The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
[Chorus]
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Chorus
Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Chorus
Where to begin? Today turned out to be pretty rotten. John got home and I found a friend request from an old acquaintance in both of our accounts. I accepted and immediately it started. We had things to do today so that meant leaving. It rained all day. My windshield wipers broke. I made it to the gym and walked a mile. I didn't even want to do that. My heart just isn't in it right now. I finished the mile and rewarded myself with a long, hot shower and a good cry. My entire body aches for what should be. As I was leaving the gym, I ran into an old friend, who looked straight at me then continued to walk as if I wasn't there.
I have entered that angry phase of grief. My husband did something that drove me crazy today and I told him I was going to do some very ungodly and down right mean things to him if he didn't stop it. The worst part was that I was serious when I said it. I had a couple other conversations where I just felt like banging my head on the wall when I was finished. This process isn't new to me. Unfortunately these emotions and stages of grief will recycle themselves in my life for a while.
Right now nothing feels right. I feel like I am just expected to get back up and live life as if Jeremiah never existed. I want people to know about him. I want to feel like his life made a difference in this world. A friend asked me if I would be content if I knew that God's only purpose for Jeremiah's life was to show His love for ME. I would like to say yes and I guess that really is the answer.
I just hate this unspoken code that angel parents are supposed to follow. We aren't supposed to speak of our children in public or in front of others because they may become uncomfortable. That isn't right! All parents are proud of their children. We are no exception. I love and am proud of Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael and Jeremiah just as much as I do Sam, Landon, Jewel-Anne, Liana and Isaiah.
I also hate that I feel the need to apologize to everyone for the way I am feeling. I don't mean to be snippy or have emotions that swing faster than the ones on a children's playground. I hate that I feel like I did something wrong because I know this wasn't my fault. I hate this emptiness I feel. I hate feeling like I let my husband down again. I hate looking into his eyes and seeing what he's going through. I wish he would talk to me, but that's just not the way he works. I know he is processing this too, but I just can't handle watching him go into survival/denial mode. I need to know that my son made a difference in his father's life. It's not that he is unkind or cold hearted.. He just deals with things in a way that I can't understand.
For me, I bury myself in my grief until I am ready to come out of it. I don't want to be around anyone but can't stand to be alone either. This is such a nasty and evil process. I hate this part of grief. It's the part no one understands and very few try to. Those who do try to are like diamonds, rare and precious. I appreciate each of you.
For those of you asking, I'm not ok. I feel like I will never be ok again. My life has changed. My heart feels like it's never going to heal, my body feels so empty, my arms ache to hold my precious boy. The only thing that brings comfort to me is that God has him and I will see him (all of them) again. Spiritually, I am thankful that God blessed me again with another child. I would honestly go through this process 10 million times over if I had to. Jeremiah is worth every ounce of pain, every tear, every sleepless night. He is so worth the wait, but that doesn't make THIS part of the journey any easier.
I won't apologize for where this blog has went in the last few days. I started this blog to help me with my journey to a healthier me. I never thought this would be part of the journey, but it is now. I wanted to help someone realize that they were not alone. Maybe these posts will help others going through the same thing, but even if they don't this is my way to process what I am going through. I won't apologize for that.
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