November 4, 2013 I began a new chapter in my life. I wasn't asked if I wanted to go on this journey. No one seemed to care what my opinion was of the matter. That didn't change the fact that I was placed on this journey - a journey I never thought I'd ever take. I have spent the last month hiding in shame, but I'm tired of feeling guilty for the choice of another. I will not carry that guilt any longer.
One month and two days ago, my husband left me. He walked out and said he didn't love me anymore. He calls to check on the kids. We chat now and again about things we have to talk about, but that is the extent of our relationship. Over the past month we've done a couple counseling sessions. Thus far, they haven't helped anything. My husband says, and it seems to be true, that we get along much better when we are apart than when we are together.
I look back and wonder how we got to this place. We would be celebrating our tenth year wedding anniversary next June. We have really struggled throughout those years. We've had some really hard times. We went through many miscarriages, infertility, fertility treatments, deaths of close family members, in addition to all the other things life has thrown at us. We always came out on the other side of things. We were always together and stronger because of the blows life threw at us. He always told me that he'd never leave me. Stupidly, I believed him.
As a Christian, I have really struggled with what to do next. My mother was raised to believe that divorce was Biblically wrong. In fact, she stayed in a physically abusive marriage for a very long time because of how she was raised. She always said that the only time divorce was morally ok was in the instance of physical abuse or adultery. So I have spent the last month picturing myself being alone for the rest of myself growing old...alone. Even if I didn't feel the way I do about marriage, no one wants a woman who has a pre-made family.
A month later, life is starting to resemble a new normal. There are still moments that are very emotionally intense for me - today being one of them. My kids have moments - almost daily - where they cry like crazy. There is nothing that I can do but hold them and reassure them that they are loved and always will be. Day by day we are making it. We are getting stronger. In the mean time it is ok to be broken.
Through this I have lost some friends. I have gained some new ones. Some that I never thought would stand by me have become closer than I ever imagined. I have learned that grieving is a process. Separation/Divorce is very much like a death and has to be grieved as such. Some people cannot handle how ugly and dirty that grief is. Grief isn't pretty, at least it isn't for me. A lot of people just expect you to pick up and move on and I'm just not there yet. One day I will get there, but today isn't that day.
I would appreciate prayers for us. We are all dealing with this in the best way we can. I'm thankful to those who have been there. You'll never know how much your love and kindness means to me.
A LOVED ONE KNEW HE'D REACHED THE END OF LIFE'S JOURNEY, BUT HE'D BEEN HOLDING TO GOD'S HAND A LONG, LONG TIME AND AS I KNELT BESIDE HIS BED, MY HEART WAS THRILLED AT WHAT HE SAID," IF I GO, OR IF I STAY, THE VICTORY IS MINE."
NONE OF US REALLY KNOWS ABOUT TOMORROW, WE MUST PREPARE TO GO TO HEAVEN ANY DAY BUT WHILE WE'RE HERE LET'S TRUST THE LORD, HE'LL LEAD US SAFE TO OUR REWARD AND BY HIS GRACE, WE'LL BE A WINNER EITHER WAY
(CHORUS) I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY, IF I GO OR IF I STAY FOR I'LL STILL HAVE MY JESUS EACH PASSING DAY I'LL HAVE MY HEALING HERE BELOW, OR LIFE FOREVER IF I GO OH PRAISE THE LORD, I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY. Last month, my sister's beloved dog died. Most of my siblings on my mother's side do not have children. Their pets are their babies. My children love their "cousins" and have grieved for this precious dog. It's brought up quite the discussions with my oldest two. My oldest son feels that his brother always gets his prayers answered and has all the "luck". He feels that anything he wishes or prays for will render the opposite. He was talking to me again today asking why Kaley had to die. He said when she started getting sick that he prayed for God to heal her. Then he said, "I did the same with Grammie and she died, too." What he doesn't understand, at nine years old, is that his prayers for Grammie and Kaley's healing were answered. They just weren't answered in the way he hoped they would be. As Christians, we don't want our children to grow up always getting what they want and never experiencing hardships. The hardships teach us so much about God's love. Even though, I sometimes ask the very same questions he asks. While nothing bad comes from my Father, I know that God hand-picks the trials He allows me to face. He does this with my best interest in mind to, among many things, draw my heart closer to His. I want my children to understand that God doesn't allow sorrow because He is cruel, but only to purify us. Still, that is a hard lesson for a child to learn. That is a hard lesson for me to learn at 30 years old. When mom first passed, and even now, I know that God could've chosen to heal my mama here. Oh now much better that would've been for ME and for my family. God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to take her instead. It hurts, oh how it hurts, but He knows what is best. There wasn't a day before or since her passing, that I have walked alone. I believe that God knew every step I would take long before any of it happened. No matter where I go, He's already there preparing the way for me. I have learned that no matter what, God is faithful. Even when we can't understand, He is still there. It hurts my Mama's heart to see my babies suffer so, but I try to make sure I use these times as teaching moments and surround them with my love. I know that all I lack, God will surely fill in those gaps. HIS love and HIS understanding are always enough.
for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: - Philippians 4:11b & 13 NIV Blessings, Mama
If you could see me now...you'd see joy and laughter in my eyes I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place
I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.
If you could see me now... Even though you are looking through a broken heart You wouldn't bring me back to where you are.. I'm dancing on a star
If you could see me now... We're all eating cake and ice cream Oops I got some chocolate on my wings It's a party just for me.
Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him
If you could see me now I'd tell you That you're up here way too soon And God still has some things for you to do And I'll see you when you're through
Yesterday marked one week since we last held our precious Jeremiah. We said "see you soon" all too soon. It was a pretty gentle day. I ended up babysitting for a friend while she went out to celebrate her birthday with her husband. I guess that was a gift from God because I didn't have the opportunity to just sit and think.
I miss him so much. There is so much we should be doing to prepare for his arrival. Blankets to make, little clothes to buy. Toys the kids would pick out for their brother. My expanding belly that would be getting kicked like crazy soon.
None of that will ever be, though. It was all cut too short. Never will I know his kicks. I won't hear his first cries. I must wait to find out all his favorite things to do. I won't see him play sports in the front yard with the boys. I won't get to take him to church and have everyone trying to hold him. He was so beautiful! I wish everyone could've seen him. I regret not taking pictures of him. I want to be able to see him again. Now all have are the memories.
Sleep hasn't come easy this week. I am exhausted. My days are running together. So much heartache. Night time is the WORST time to be alone with my thoughts. All of my should've, could've, would've beens seem to haunt me. Guilt tears my soul into. I KNOW the truth, but I still search for someone to blame for this. No one else is to blame so surely I did something. Maybe it's because I was a bad person or something.
Jeremiah is a gift to us. He was a promise to us. We feel so heartbroken because we can't see the other side of this. Yet, we still feel so blessed to be the ones God chose to be Jeremiah's parents. I know he's up there having the time of his life. He doesn't want to see us crying. One day our broken hearts will heal. One day the pain of our loss won't be so great. We will be able to see nothing but the beauty of this. We just aren't there yet.
Earlier this week a friend of mine miscarried also. This friend was so precious and comforting to me when we told everyone about Jeremiah. In my worst nightmare, I never dreamed that she would be joining me on this terrible journey. Please keep her in your prayers.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face, I hear you laughin' in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the story that had just begun, But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one could take your place. An' sometimes I wonder, Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams? Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you, An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the story that had just begun, But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one could take your place. An' sometimes I wonder, Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today. Today, today, today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.
I miss my son. I want to hold him. I feel like I am dying inside. Heaven seems a million years away right now. I long to hold his newborn body against my chest. I want to sing him lullabies. I want to comfort him when he cries. I want to watch him grow. Would he look like me or John? Would he be meek and mild like Isaiah was when he was an infant or strong willed like Liana? Would he like video games like Daddy? Would he love reading like Mama? What kind of man would he be? Would he want a family? What would he name his children? His children. My grand children. The ones I feel should be but never will.
Jeremiah's days weren't cut short. He lived every mili-second that God had planned for him. Yet, I still feel like I have been robbed of these things. Right now I can't help but focus on the things I am missing. My heart aches, When I close my eyes I can still see him laying on my hand. I still can feel what it was like placing pieces of a baby planet in his coffin and laying him in there. Placing him in the ground and watching as my husband buried this precious baby in the ground. Walking away and leaving the graveyard with empty hands. I find myself touching my empty belly only to be snapped back into the painful reality that is my life now. Empty belly. Empty arms...empty cradle...
I know Jeremiah is in the best place ever right now. I know that Jesus is rocking him. He is with his brothers and sisters. He's with his grammie and mamaw...all of his great and great-great aunts and uncles. He longs for nothing. He is loved by all in Heaven and on earth. I feel so selfish though because they get to snuggle with him. They get to take care of him. All of these thoughts make me want to strap on my two year old personality and scream about how unfair it all is.
I am so glad that my Daddy understands this heart He gave me better than I do. I am so glad that He is willing to give me the gifts that He knows will break my heart for a period of time. I am truly not angry with God. I am so grateful for the gift of my son. I would go through this pain a million times over for each one of them. I am so glad that He doesn't fault me for grieving. He loves me when I feel unloveable. He cries with me when I cry. He weeps with me. Even when I am at my worst He still holds me and tells me He loves me and all of this will be ok in time. He will never leave me. He just allows me to climb in His lap and holds me rocking me - HIS CHILD - the way I long to rock Jeremiah. My anger, grief, pain, and love just makes Him hold me tighter.
Knowing how much I hurt in this moment, I still hope God blesses us again. I pray our next child lives a long life, but even if God chooses to take the next one I will endure this again because THAT child is worth it also. We will welcome all the blessings God has for us whether they come from my womb or adopted, whether He chooses to take them before they walk this earth or whether they will one day stand next to our graves and grieve for us. Each of them are worth every tear I've shed, every smile they have given me, every moment of emptiness I feel.
I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place How did my heart become so lifeless and cold Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core I can't fake it anymore.
chorus: Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea You have a way of turning winter to spring Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2: Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus
The last couple days have been the hardest. It is very hard when you are around those who have different grieving styles than you. It's hard to understand what they are thinking and feeling. My husband grieves so differently from me. He is able to flip a switch and just shut it all off. I choose to submerge myself into grief's pit of hell. I live there until I am ready to start healing. With him, he refused to talk about what happened. lt took 8 years before he would talk about our oldest angels. We had a major breakthrough/breakdown last year. He let it all out. It was difficult. It was messy. It was faith challenging. It was also beautiful.
Everyone grieves differently. I have said it time and time again. I stand by that. Everyone should also be able to grieve the way they see fit. I stand by that. As a wife who is more outwardly emotional, it was hard to watch my husband do this. I felt like he was just trying to avoid our children. In my eyes he was trying to avoid Jeremiah's existence. I think that was killing me more than what I was going through.
The past couple days have led me down to a very dark place. I have said and thought things about my husband that were completely awful. I am not a perfect wife and will never claim to be. I have said unkind things to my husband before...the darkest part of this was this time I actually meant what I was saying. Tuesday I had suggestions that I go to the gym to get out of the house. Everyone thought the time away would help me feel better. It sounded like a good idea until I got there and got on the treadmill. The longer I walked and had time with my feelings the madder I got with those around me.
I found the above song yesterday. I love the ballad version of this song. It's slow and seems to come from the heart of one who has experienced a great grief. It completely describes how I feel today. "I'm at a loss for words there's nothing to say." The chorus to this song has been my prayer lately. Only God can fill the emptiness I feel. God will make something beautiful out of my suffering. God will heal the hurt and anger I feel inside.
I will take responsibility for how I feel. Some people are just cold and heartless, thiough. I have discovered that once again through this process. I have to get to the place where I can let go. I'm not there yet. I will get there, but I haven't made it there yet. "I know I should be walking on the water, showing no fear and moving in faith but I can barely keep my head above the waves that threaten me with death."
Today seems like a better day. John gave me a precious gift this morning that I will cherish for all of my days. Grief is a process. Most people think you go through each stage and are done with it. I'm here to tell you that you cycle through the stages only to do it all again. Some days will be filled with nothing but tears....others with nothing but anger...some with only bittersweet happiness. Then there are those days where you will go through the entire grief process at least once all in one day. There is no set way to do this. You just take each moment as it comes because a whole day is too much to think about right now.
The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know I'm alive But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made I try to keep warm but I just grow colder I feel like I'm slipping away
[Chorus] After all this has passed I still will remain After I've cried my last There'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me The best I can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened I know that I will when I look back someday And see how You've brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames
Chorus
Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me) Trying to hold to what I can't see I forgot how to hope This night's been so long I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Chorus
Where to begin? Today turned out to be pretty rotten. John got home and I found a friend request from an old acquaintance in both of our accounts. I accepted and immediately it started. We had things to do today so that meant leaving. It rained all day. My windshield wipers broke. I made it to the gym and walked a mile. I didn't even want to do that. My heart just isn't in it right now. I finished the mile and rewarded myself with a long, hot shower and a good cry. My entire body aches for what should be. As I was leaving the gym, I ran into an old friend, who looked straight at me then continued to walk as if I wasn't there.
I have entered that angry phase of grief. My husband did something that drove me crazy today and I told him I was going to do some very ungodly and down right mean things to him if he didn't stop it. The worst part was that I was serious when I said it. I had a couple other conversations where I just felt like banging my head on the wall when I was finished. This process isn't new to me. Unfortunately these emotions and stages of grief will recycle themselves in my life for a while.
Right now nothing feels right. I feel like I am just expected to get back up and live life as if Jeremiah never existed. I want people to know about him. I want to feel like his life made a difference in this world. A friend asked me if I would be content if I knew that God's only purpose for Jeremiah's life was to show His love for ME. I would like to say yes and I guess that really is the answer.
I just hate this unspoken code that angel parents are supposed to follow. We aren't supposed to speak of our children in public or in front of others because they may become uncomfortable. That isn't right! All parents are proud of their children. We are no exception. I love and am proud of Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael and Jeremiah just as much as I do Sam, Landon, Jewel-Anne, Liana and Isaiah.
I also hate that I feel the need to apologize to everyone for the way I am feeling. I don't mean to be snippy or have emotions that swing faster than the ones on a children's playground. I hate that I feel like I did something wrong because I know this wasn't my fault. I hate this emptiness I feel. I hate feeling like I let my husband down again. I hate looking into his eyes and seeing what he's going through. I wish he would talk to me, but that's just not the way he works. I know he is processing this too, but I just can't handle watching him go into survival/denial mode. I need to know that my son made a difference in his father's life. It's not that he is unkind or cold hearted.. He just deals with things in a way that I can't understand.
For me, I bury myself in my grief until I am ready to come out of it. I don't want to be around anyone but can't stand to be alone either. This is such a nasty and evil process. I hate this part of grief. It's the part no one understands and very few try to. Those who do try to are like diamonds, rare and precious. I appreciate each of you.
For those of you asking, I'm not ok. I feel like I will never be ok again. My life has changed. My heart feels like it's never going to heal, my body feels so empty, my arms ache to hold my precious boy. The only thing that brings comfort to me is that God has him and I will see him (all of them) again. Spiritually, I am thankful that God blessed me again with another child. I would honestly go through this process 10 million times over if I had to. Jeremiah is worth every ounce of pain, every tear, every sleepless night. He is so worth the wait, but that doesn't make THIS part of the journey any easier.
I won't apologize for where this blog has went in the last few days. I started this blog to help me with my journey to a healthier me. I never thought this would be part of the journey, but it is now. I wanted to help someone realize that they were not alone. Maybe these posts will help others going through the same thing, but even if they don't this is my way to process what I am going through. I won't apologize for that.
DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.
Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure
I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good And Jesus I was wondering if You would...
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close Let him sit upon Your knee And tell him all the things we would teach him about You Whisper in his ear one more simple truth Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do Longing just to hold him like other mothers do And Lord I know You're faithful Your hand of grace I have known But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close Let him sit upon Your knee And tell him all the things we would teach him about You Whisper in his ear one more simple truth Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done I know that I will understand and to him I will run
I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things You've taught him about You He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.
I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.
A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.
I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has failed me 6 times now.
Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.
I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.
John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.
God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.
Jeremiah Daniel Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown
"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"
