My First Weigh-In (Again)

Last week, I weighed in at 332 at the doctor's office last week. Well, I weighed as soon as I got home and went with that weight since my scale is where I will weigh in most of the time. I wasn't happy with 332, but it is what it is. I weighed today and I have dropped 5 pounds. I would have loved to see a bigger number, but that wasn't my goal this week. I have had two Slim Fast shakes a day and ate whatever I wanted for dinner. My goal was just to make sure I got in the habit of drinking my shakes. Given the contents of my diet this week, I am happy with a 5 pound loss.

Blessings,

Lisa

Day 3

Day three of Slim Fast. Thus far, it isn't tasting any better. I am dealing ok, though. One big plus is this morning's fasting blood sugar was 199. It isn't the best, but it's a far cry from the 300+ fasting readings I was getting not long ago.

Lisa

This Picture

This picture. This picture was taken last night. It was my first Slim Fast shake of diet round # 4581258. I do not want to do this. My mind, body, and heart are completely against it this time. I do not want to fail, again. I don't want to hear well-meaning but irritating advice. I do not want to have people judging every bite/sip I put in my mouth. I just want to enjoy my food. 

Last July, I went to the doctor because my blood sugars were running pretty high. Right after that, my husband lost his job and our insurance. I was able to have one doctor's appointment before we were without coverage. I have periodically checked my blood sugar since then. I have gotten to the point where my blood sugar doesn't make me feel bad unless it is in the 400s. 

When Mama died, I got so angry with her for not taking better care of herself. Now, I understand the struggle she had. Sometimes you just want to be able to live a "normal" life. I want to be able to eat what I want without constantly being worried about/counting every bite that goes in my mouth. So I struggle. I want to do the right thing. I want to be healthy for my family. I don't want to die early...I just don't want to do the things that I need to do to get there. I just drank my second shake. Hopefully this will get better over time. Right now, this just sucks. 

Identity Loss

I have been composing this blog in my head for a few days now. My hope is that I can put into words what I want to say. One of the reasons I stopped blogging was because I started having trouble getting my thoughts into words on paper (or screen).

I grew up knowing I was meant to be a mama. I played with dolls from the time I was little. It was more than the usually little girl doll play. Those dolls were my BABIES. I would use my allowance to buy real diapers and human baby clothes. As I got older, I purchased full-sized strollers and carseats for my babies. I played with my dolls much longer than most girls did. It was who I was. I was born to be a mama. When I was 12, I got my first job babysitting. I was homeschooled so my schedule was more flexible than most teen sitters. Over the years, I had several kids that I helped care for. They were my babies.

In my late teen years, I joined a church and youth group. I had trouble fitting in because I didn't feel I was like them. Oh, they were good kids. I had a couple close friends during those years. My life was just in a different place. They were teens who wanted to be teens. I was sixteen and dreaming of babies, a husband and family. In my group of friends, I have always been the caregiver/mothering type. I took care of my mama, helped care for my great-aunt, and my grandparents. Now, I have my kids and my husband to care for. My dreams finally came true.

All was great for a while. Then, I lost my mama. I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. My joy vanished. Anxiety increased. I have struggled for years in my relationship with God. I am a Christian. I have been saved. I try to do what God would have me to do, but I feel like a shell of the person I was. I have given all I have to give. I try to hold it all together. I am supposed to be the strong one. I am the mama - not just to my kids, but to all of those around me. My cup is running empty with no way to fill it. I have prayed. I have asked God to restore the passion I once felt. Yet, I sit here feeling like I am letting everyone down. I am not who I was and that hurts so bad. It is hard to fill everyone else's cups when the well in your own soul is running dry. I have tried going to church. I have prayed. I have tried self-care and counseling. I sit here wondering where the answers are supposed to come from. Surely, there's something I am missing because everything I am trying isn't working. God is a good God. Even in the midst of my trials, I know that His goodness hasn't changed. I want to be the person who is as light to all. Yet, right now, I am drowning and there's no boats to save me.

Lisa

A Year in Books 2017

In 2016, I set a goal for myself to read one book a month. I go through phases where I enjoy reading and other times, not so much. Twelve sounded attainable. Well, I ended up reading 54 books. I will actually finish #55 in a couple days, but it will make the first book in a new year. So this year my goal is to read 52 books. So here we go...

1. The Forgotten Recipe By Amy Clipston
2. The Courtship Basket By Amy Clipston
3. The Cherished Quilt By Amy Clipston
4. Lottie: Bride of Delaware By Kit Morgan
5. Willow: Bride of Pennsylvania By Merry Farmer
6. Hope: Bride of New Jersey By Amelia Adams
7. Mollie: Bride of Georgia By Lorrie Farrelly
8. Edwina: Bride of Connecticut By Margaret Tanner
9. Beth: Bride of Massachusetts By Ashley Merrick
10. Adelaide: Bride of Maryland By Ciara Knight
11. Jessie: Bride of South Carolina By Rose Gordon
12. Rachel: Bride of New Hampshire By Diane Darcy
13. Katie: Bride of Virginia By Sylvia McDaniel
14. Julia: Bride of New York By Callie Hutton
15. Dacey: Bride of North Carolina By Shanna Hatfield
16. Alice: Bride of Rhode Island By Kristy McCaffrey
17. Gabrielle: Bride of Vermont By Emily Claire
18. Emma: Bride of Kentucky By Peggy Henderson
19. Lucie: Bride of Tennessee By Heidi Vanlandingham
20. Isabella: Bride of Ohio By Debra Parmley
21. Josephine: Bride of Louisiana By Cindy Caldwell
22. India: Bride of Indiana By Ashley Merrick
23. Lilly: Bride of Illinois By Linda Hubalek
24: Anna: Bride of Alabama By Lily Graison
25. Gillian: Bride of Maine By Kirsten Lynn
26. Tabitha: Bride of Missouri By Amelia Adams
27. Laurel: Bride of Arkansas By: Carra Copelin
28. Johanna: Bride of Michigan By: Clara Kincaid
29. Constance: Bride of Florida By: Patricia PacJac Carroll
30. Della: Bride of Texas By Trinty Ford
31. Hannah: Bride of Iowa By Penny Estelle
32. Roberta: Bride of Wisconsin By Kirsten Osborne
33. Leora: Bride of California By Kit Morgan
34. Darby Bride of Oregon By Bella Bowen
35. Victoria: Bride of Kansas By E.E. Burke
36. Trinity: Bride of West Virginia By Carre White
37. Genevieve: Bride of Nevada By Cynthia Woolf
38. Madeline: Bride of Nebraska By Mia Blackwood
39. Rose: Bride of Colorado By Margery Scott
40. Violet: Bride of North Dakota By Heather Horrock
41. Cora: Bride of South Dakota By Susan Horsnell
42. Grace: Bride of Montana By Debra Holland
43. Patience: Bride of Washington By Caroline Clemmons
44. Mercy: Bride of Idaho By Jacquie Rogers
45. Judith: Bride of Wyoming By Hildie McQueen
46. Lessie: Bride of Utah By Kristin Holt
47. Josie: Bride of New Mexico By Kristin Holt
48. Chevonne: Bride of Oklahoma By LeighAnn Dobbs
49. Libbie: Bride of Arizona By Linda Carroll-Bradd
50: Poppy: Bride of Alaska By Cassie Hayes
51:  Kitty, Bride of Hawaii By Janielle Daniels
52. The Beloved Hope Chest By Amy Clipston
53. An Amish Market
54. Lopsided Christmas Cake By Wanda Brunstetter
55. A Bride for Theodore By Kirsten Osbourne
56. A Bride for Kendall By Kirsten Osbourne
57. A Bride for Nolan By Cassie Hayes
58. A Bride for Joel By Amelia Adams
59. A Bride for Wesley By Kirsten Osbourne
60. A Bride for Preston By Kay P. Dawson
61. A Bride for Dermot By Cassie Hayes
62. The Matron By Kirsten Osbourne
63. Ruby By Kirsten Osbourne
64. Opal By Kirsten Osbourne
65. Sarah Jane By Kirsten Osbourne
66. Evelyn By Kirsten Osbourne
67. Penny By Kirsten Osbourne
68. Dorothy By Kirsten Osbourne
69. Betsy By Kirsten Osbourne
70. A Bride for Jonathan By Amelia C. Adams
71. Rose By Kirsten Osbourne
72. Lily By Kirsten Osbourne
73. Amaryllis By Kirsten Osbourne
74. Daisy By Kirsten Osbourne
75. Jasmine By Kirsten Osbourne
76. Hyacinth By Kirsten Osbourne
77. Voilet By Kirsten Osbourne
78. Iris By Kirsten Osbourne
79. Edna Petunia By Kirsten Osbourne
80. Mail Order Mayhem By Kirsten Osbourne
81. Mail Order Mama By Kirsten Osbourne
82. A Bride for Matthew By Kirsten Osbourne
83. Mail Order Madness By Kirsten Osbourne
84. Mail Order Mix-up By Kirsten Osbourne
85. Mail Order Mistake By Kirsten Osbourne
86. Mail Order Maternity By Kirsten Osbourne
87. Mail Order Match Maker By Kirsten Osbourne
88. Mail Order Motherhood By Kirsten Osbourne
89. Mail Order Matron By Kirsten Osbourne
90. Mail Order Meddler By Kristen Osbourne
91. A Bride for Nathaniel By Kay P. Dawson
92. Mail Order Misfit By Kirsten Osbourne
93. Gertrude By Kirsten Osbourne
94. Mail Order Minx By Kirsten Osbourne
95. Mail Order Misunderstanding By Kirsten Osbourne
96. Mail Order Misfortune By Kirsten Osbourne
97. Mail Order Melody By Kirsten Osbourne
98. Mail Order Mischief by Kirsten Osbourne
99. A Bride for Easton By Cassie Hayes
100. Mail Order Mistletoe By Kirsten Osbourne
101. Mail Order Midwife By Kirsten Osbourne
102. Mail Order Merry By Kirsten Osbourne
103. Mail Order Miracle By Kirsten Osbourne
104. Mail Order Menace By Kirsten Osbourne
105. The Escape By Kirsten Osbourne
106. The Rancher's Mail Order Bride By Kirsten Osbourne
107. The Cowboy's Mail Order Bride By Kit Morgan
108. The Drifter's Mail Order Bride By Cassie Hayes
109. A Bride for Samuel By Amelia C. Adams
110. Hope By Kirsten Osbourne
111. Bride for Robert By Kirsten Osbourne
112. Hank's Rescued Bride By Cassie Hayes
113. Benedict's Bargain Bride By Kirsten Osbourne
114. Percy's Unexpected Bride By Kit Morgan
115. The Partridge By Kit Morgan
116. The Dove By Shanna Hatfield
117. The Hens By Merry Farmer
118. The Calling Birds By Jacqui Nelson
119. The Gold Ring By Caroline Lee
120. The Swan By Piper Huguley