Grief

November 4, 2013 I began a new chapter in my life.  I wasn't asked if I wanted to go on this journey.  No one seemed to care what my opinion was of the matter.  That didn't change the fact that I was placed on this journey - a journey I never thought I'd ever take.  I have spent the last month hiding in shame, but I'm tired of feeling guilty for the choice of another.  I will not carry that guilt any longer.

One month and two days ago, my husband left me.  He walked out and said he didn't love me anymore.  He calls to check on the kids.  We chat now and again about things we have to talk about, but that is the extent of our relationship.  Over the past month we've done a couple counseling sessions.  Thus far, they haven't helped anything.  My husband says, and it seems to be true, that we get along much better when we are apart than when we are together.  

I look back and wonder how we got to this place.  We would be celebrating our tenth year wedding anniversary next June.  We have really struggled throughout those years.  We've had some really hard times.  We went through many miscarriages,  infertility, fertility treatments, deaths of close family members, in addition to all the other things life has thrown at us.  We always came out on the other side of things.  We were always together and stronger because of the blows life threw at us.  He always told me that he'd never leave me.  Stupidly, I believed him.  

As a Christian, I have really struggled with what to do next.  My mother was raised to believe that divorce was Biblically wrong.  In fact, she stayed in a physically abusive marriage for a very long time because of how she was raised.  She always said that the only time divorce was morally ok was in the instance of physical abuse or adultery.  So I have spent the last month picturing myself being alone for the rest of myself growing old...alone.  Even if I didn't feel the way I do about marriage, no one wants a woman who has a pre-made family. 

A month later, life is starting to resemble a new normal.  There are still moments that are very emotionally intense for me - today being one of them.  My kids have moments - almost daily - where they cry like crazy.  There is nothing that I can do but hold them and reassure them that they are loved and always will be.  Day by day we are making it.  We are getting stronger.  In the mean time it is ok to be broken.  

Through this I have lost some friends.  I have gained some new ones.  Some that I never thought would stand by me have become closer than I ever imagined.  I have learned that grieving is a process.  Separation/Divorce is very much like a death and has to be grieved as such.  Some people cannot handle how ugly and dirty that grief is.  Grief isn't pretty, at least it isn't for me.  A lot of people just expect you to pick up and move on and I'm just not there yet.  One day I will get there, but today isn't that day. 

I would appreciate prayers for us.  We are all dealing with this in the best way we can.  I'm thankful to those who have been there.  You'll never know how much your love and kindness means to me. 

Eleven Years Ago Today

Today was a very special day for me.  It marked the 11th anniversary of mine and my husband's first date.  I woke up this morning before he got home and day dreamed all morning about what I was doing 11 years ago at that very minute.  I remember most of it like it was yesterday.  I remember getting ready for church.  I remember riding to church with my friend James'.  I remember the first time I seen him that morning.  He sat with his arm around me all through service while I fought the urge to puke the whole time. My nerves were going crazy.  

We had a very typical, teenage first date.  We went out to Burger King for lunch.  Then we went to see a movie.  Afterwards, we sat and talked for the longest time before we went back to church for the evening.  I feel in love with him that day.  I knew we would one day be married.  

The past eleven years have had many ups and downs in them.  Mom's health was already declining when I met John.  About seven months after our first date we moved to Georgia so Mom could be closer to my sister.  John came with us, although, that kind of surprised me.  It wasn't long after we arrived that Mama had a heart attack.  Over the course of a month or two she'd had a heart attack, open heart surgery and an amputation.  It was quickly determined that John would need to quit his job to care for her because neither my sister or I could lift her.  Over the next few years he was always willing to do whatever needed to be done.  When we moved back to TN, we made the decision that  he'd go back to work right after our wedding.  He took a night time job so he could be home during the day to transport Mom, now a double amputee and wheelchair bound, to all of her appointments.  I cannot count the number of days he got very little to no sleep.  

Then the  kids came along.  Before we got involved in foster care we had 4 miscarriages and have sense had 3 more.  There were years of fertility treatments.  Tons of parenting classes for foster care.  Endless phone calls and tears with me crying because I was so stressed out.  Through it all he was there with me and was my rock.  

After Mama passed away, I didn't know how I would  make it.  I don't remember a lot from that time, but I remember collapsing in Walgreen's parking lot in tears.  I remember being at the grave yard and refusing to leave.  Everyone was trying to make me get up, but he just put his jacket around me and let me stay until I was ready to go.  He stayed up nights with me as I cried until I could cry no more. He reassured me that, no I would never forget her.  

He has held me when I cried, held my hair as I dealt with the battles of morning sickness, encouraged me when I felt unworthy, and rejoiced with me in the good times.  The last eleven years have held a lifetime of changes.  Most of those changes would've sent any other man running for the hills, yet he has stayed.  That is not to say our marriage is without it's trouble.  We have sure had our share of that, but John has been faithful to be there. In a world that is constantly changing, he is there...even when I don't want him to be. ;-)  

If I could go back and do it all over again, there are a whole lot of things I would change.  People I would've left behind sooner than what I did.  There are relationships I would've severed a lot sooner than I did because they were toxic for my marriage.  Despite the things I would change, one thing is certain - I wouldn't change the life I have built with my husband for anything.  

I seen a quote on facebook the other day that said "I married a sinner and so did my spouse."  I am so glad John has been faithful to love me through my own imperfections.  I really don't know what I would do without him. 

Today, his gift to me was amazing.  He worked last night so when he got home I went to the pharmacy to pick up his medicine and stopped by Walmart.  His anniversary gift from me was a pack of gum.  His gift to me was much more sacrificial.  Even though he was very tired, he knew that I was having a bad day and he let me nap while he stayed awake with the kids.  He made dinner for them tonight so I wouldn't have to.  I realize we've reached the status of "old married couple" now because this is the way we choose to celebrate.  There was nothing he could've given me that meant more than a lazy day at home where I could rest.   

Blessings, 

Mama

My Love Dare Experience

I am going to be very open for a moment.  Have you ever known me to be anything different?  Growing up, I dreamed of being the submissive housewife and mother.  I wanted to save my first kiss and virginity for my husband.  In my heart I wanted to do all the right things.  Then my heart was deceived.  I still longed for those things, but impurity was a far easier choice.  The farther I moved from God's desires for my life the easier it became to measure my life by an unholy standard.


John and I have been together for ten years, married for eight.  During this time we have struggled in a lot of different areas. I wasn't a virgin when we started dating.  I wish I could say that was a mistake I had made only one time, but it wasn't.  Because of this, I personally have a lot of guilt and self-hatred.  I have begged and pleaded with God to make things right, and fix the problems we have had.... but He never seemed to answer.  I took matters into my own hands.  I demanded that John change the things that bothered me.  Some stuff was justified and really needed to be changed.  Other things were just irritations I had.  Still, nothing I did mattered.  He refused to change for me.  Of course, being that holy Christian, I took this as a sign that my own heart needed to change, right?  Unfortunately, I was too stubborn and too selfish for that.  In fact, most of what led us to this place was my own selfishness anyway.


A few years ago I met a friend that I became very close too.  I have met many wonderful people through this friend.  One in particular I became facebook friends with for a while but deleted her because she posted a lot of things that convicted me about my position in our marriage.  God still sent messengers my way to trying to bring me back to the place He wanted me to be.


Forty days ago, I bought a copy of The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick.  I didn't have a whole lot of expectations of this journey.  Boy was I wrong!  I have made my way through this book.  The first few days were done half-heartedly, but somewhere along the way I noticed that I was changing.  Somewhere along the way my heart started returning to home.  I am not where I want to be, even now.  Our problems weren't created overnight and it won't be fixed that way either.

I am so thankful to God for giving me a second chance.  I am thankful that John is still willing to work with me.  God meant for marriage to be a life-long commitment. Some people take that too lightly.  I was one of them.  I am thankful I realized that before it was too late!!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Vacation Day 2 - Happy Anniversary

I didn’t get to sleep until 3 AM ”last night.”  The hot tub jets felt so nice.  John even enjoyed himself and he isn’t a hot tub person.  We talked for a long time.  Finally, we got out and went to bed.  He rubbed my feet and I fell asleep.  My eyes popped open at 6:15 and I woke him up to wish him a Happy Anniversary.  Landon got up a few minutes later.  Now, they are outside walking the dog.  The goal is to be out of the cabin by 8:30.  When they come in I am going to grab a quick shower before I wake everyone else up for breakfast.  Landon’s first words this morning were “Mommy, you said we needed to leave by 8 for Disney (aka Dolly Wood).  LOL 

Today,  John  and I have been married for 8 years, but together 10.  That is no small feat.  Most people don’t stay together that long.  It has been rough at times, but we still held on.  There were times when I wanted to walk away, and I am sure he did too, but God told us we weren’t supposed to do that.  God intended marriage to be for life, not just when it feels good or when things are easy. 

How do you sum up 10 years worth of love?  This man has stood by me through so much.  Mama’s health was slowly declining when we met.  We had only been together for 7 months when we moved to Georgia.  She had a heart attack, open heart surgery, an amputation and another “minor” (in comparison) surgery within 4 months.  Those days were rough.  We also said goodbye to Madison during all of this.  After 6 months we decided the best thing for Mama was to come back to Tennessee, so we did.  John proposed to me right before we left Georgia.  In between all of the trips to the doctor with Mama we managed to plan a wedding.  Shortly before the wedding, Mama had her second amputation.  We decided in GA that John would stay home with Mama because he could physically care for her better than I could.  After we got married John started working nights so he could be there if we needed him while she was awake.  We endured 2 years of night shift.   I hated it.  Here I was a newlywed, and only shared my bed with my husband 2 nights a week.  It was rough, but I thank God that we survived.  In 2006, John started working at US Cellular.  It was a great job with wonderful insurance. 

In 2007, we had already had 4 miscarriages so we sought help from a fertility specialist.  We spent the next year and a half year going through 2 doctors and many fertility treatments.  We had another miscarriage (Michael) and were obviously crushed.  I told John I wanted to look into adoption when we were ready.  In the mean time we continued fertility treatments.  In November we started foster parent classes. 

March 2008, our beautiful boys came home.  We had it rough with them too.  Foster Care isn’t for whimps!  It was well worth it though.  We went for the ride of our lives.  In June we decided to stop fertility treatments and prayed that God would allow us to keep our boys.  Mom passed away nine months after the boys arrived.  Again, the roller coaster that is my life took a turn. 

The next couple years were rough as I navigated all of the firsts of loss.  The one “first” I never thought I’d have to experience, though was a new baby.  God showed off and has given us 3 new babies since then. 

We’ve been through so much together.  Stuff that almost broke us, and would’ve broken most people, but we survived.  I am so thankful that God has always reminded us why He put us together.  I look into the eyes of my husband and I can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t love him.  I look at my kids and know this is where I want to be.  I am so blessed.  We are far from perfect, but we are improving.  I am excited to spend the rest of my life with this man.  I love you Honey.   Happy Anniversary. 

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. - Song of Solomon 6:3a

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama