So I had a crazy moment a few minutes ago. I had checked my blood sugar but didn't have a pen to journal it. When I got back with the pen I picked up my phone and couldn't figure out why I couldn't find my blood sugar. A couple minutes later I realized I had my phone and not my glucose monitor.
That got me to thinking, "Is there an app for that?" There really is! Google Play Store has several apps for glucose monitoring. I found three that were free. If you are looking for something to make tracking a bit easier, there you go!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Waiting
I haven't written in a while because I didn't want to express my feelings in such a public way right now. So far 2013 has sucked! I am so tired of my life being so up in the air. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own body and it won't stop failing me. Every time I try to do much more than sit still, I am reminded why I was sitting in the first place. My body starts to rebel. My heart races. My chest hurts. My littles have picked up a lovely habit of running out the door or running off while we are trying to get from the house to the car. I cannot chase them. Thank God the boys can catch them for me. What kind of Mama does that make me?
I have had my echo and stress test done. I made it to the third stage of stress test and had to stop. The machine was going so fast I couldn't keep up with it. I felt bad enough until she told me that she was about to stop me anyway because I was having episodes of tachycardia. Then, I felt worse. I am 29 and I am falling apart.
Emotionally, I am spent. I hadn't heard anything from the cardiologist and since my appt wasn't until March, I called him. Once he looked at my test results he moved my appointment up with his nurse practitioner. I want answers but I am scared to find out what the answers will be. No matter what happens I just want the reassurance that I will live to raise my babies. I would love to live to a nice old age, but my main goal is to live to raise my babies. That statement makes me want to throw up though. I cannot tell you how many times I heard my mama tell the story where she said the same thing to her mama. Mamaw told her "you'll live to raise that baby." That is about all she lived, though. That's just not enough for me.
I just want to sit down and cry for a really long, long time. I spent so much time trying to get healthy and all of this had to start happening. I just want to get back to the gym. I need a way to work off all of this negative energy. I need to turn my MP3 player up to "evil 11" and forget my troubles while I slay a beast. I need some time where I can just forget everything and just relax. For now, I am here nursing a headache and counting the minutes until bedtime so I can sleep. I am soooooo tired anymore.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
I have had my echo and stress test done. I made it to the third stage of stress test and had to stop. The machine was going so fast I couldn't keep up with it. I felt bad enough until she told me that she was about to stop me anyway because I was having episodes of tachycardia. Then, I felt worse. I am 29 and I am falling apart.
Emotionally, I am spent. I hadn't heard anything from the cardiologist and since my appt wasn't until March, I called him. Once he looked at my test results he moved my appointment up with his nurse practitioner. I want answers but I am scared to find out what the answers will be. No matter what happens I just want the reassurance that I will live to raise my babies. I would love to live to a nice old age, but my main goal is to live to raise my babies. That statement makes me want to throw up though. I cannot tell you how many times I heard my mama tell the story where she said the same thing to her mama. Mamaw told her "you'll live to raise that baby." That is about all she lived, though. That's just not enough for me.
I just want to sit down and cry for a really long, long time. I spent so much time trying to get healthy and all of this had to start happening. I just want to get back to the gym. I need a way to work off all of this negative energy. I need to turn my MP3 player up to "evil 11" and forget my troubles while I slay a beast. I need some time where I can just forget everything and just relax. For now, I am here nursing a headache and counting the minutes until bedtime so I can sleep. I am soooooo tired anymore.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Cycles...TMI
I started my cycle today. That makes my last cycle 24 days long. A normal cycle is 28 days long. Normal for me is 45-60 days long these days. Not sure what is up. For those reading this wondering why I am putting such private info online, I use this blog to help me track things. I have looked back several times to see a pattern in different things. Anyway, there you go.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Tomorrow Is The Day
Tomorrow is my appointment with the cardiologist. I will also have my MRI done tomorrow to make sure everything is going well with my shunt. The MRI doesn't worry me at all. For some reason, I have perfect peace about the head stuff. It's the heart stuff that worries me.
Today, I have been sitting on the border of Heaven on Earth and Hell on Earth. My life could change in a mighty way tomorrow. As much as I'd like to say that I have the faith to know that my body is whole, I don't. I am very scared. I have played the "what if" game all day with myself. I realize I am probably worrying over nothing, but should something be wrong tomorrow there is so much stuff I will have to think of and decide. I know the One who can make me whole, though.
This morning I took a few minutes to get out of the house and grab a bite of lunch. While I was sitting there the song "Life Like You Were Dying" came on the radio. I have never liked that song because it is such a sad, sad song. Most people see it as a happy song because he was finally able to do all of the stuff he'd been putting off. When I hear that song I think "How on earth could I possibly cram enough memories into such a short amount of time to last my kids a lifetime?" Things change when you are a parent. Perhaps I'm just weird, but that is where my mind goes.
I shared my thoughts with someone today and that person looked at me and said "don't you have any faith?" I pray that God protects them from anything serious ever happening to them because I don't want them to have to understand what it feels like to be faced with what I am facing. I am struggling so hard right now and didn't really need to be kicked when I am down. Yes, I have faith. I know that whatever comes my way tomorrow that God is to be praised for it. If He chooses to allow me to be sick to bring Him glory then so be it. If He chooses to heal me in my sleep tonight and I never have any other problems again then so be it.
On another note, my poor husband has had to endure much of what he doesn't want to talk about. To discuss these things when we are going through something potentially major makes the topic that much more real. We have put off talking about the hard stuff because it's never fun to face. There are decisions that need to be made no matter what the outcome is. We purchased burial plots when Mom passed away so that is settled. As for funeral arrangements, I could care less. Put me in a pine box if you wish. I don't want to be cremated. There's also a certain funeral home I don't want to go to. Other than that, it doesn't matter to me. We need to make out a will. We need to decide who should get the kids should both of us pass before they are grown. That is the hardest thing. Five kids are a lot to take on. As parents we do our best to make the right choices for our kids. We would want our children to continue to homeschool and to go to be raised in a Christ-centered home. There are just a lot of factors that go into choosing someone, but I know that no one would do it exactly as I would. More than anything I just want someone who would help our kids remember us and who would take good care of them. There are a couple small things I have that I would want the kids to have when they get older. It's simply decisions that need to be made regardless because none of us are promised tomorrow. I want to make sure my wishes are known.
I think this might possibly be my most depressing blog yet. Yay me. Anyway, I will update more tomorrow, or whenever I know more. Thank you everyone for the prayers.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Today, I have been sitting on the border of Heaven on Earth and Hell on Earth. My life could change in a mighty way tomorrow. As much as I'd like to say that I have the faith to know that my body is whole, I don't. I am very scared. I have played the "what if" game all day with myself. I realize I am probably worrying over nothing, but should something be wrong tomorrow there is so much stuff I will have to think of and decide. I know the One who can make me whole, though.
This morning I took a few minutes to get out of the house and grab a bite of lunch. While I was sitting there the song "Life Like You Were Dying" came on the radio. I have never liked that song because it is such a sad, sad song. Most people see it as a happy song because he was finally able to do all of the stuff he'd been putting off. When I hear that song I think "How on earth could I possibly cram enough memories into such a short amount of time to last my kids a lifetime?" Things change when you are a parent. Perhaps I'm just weird, but that is where my mind goes.
I shared my thoughts with someone today and that person looked at me and said "don't you have any faith?" I pray that God protects them from anything serious ever happening to them because I don't want them to have to understand what it feels like to be faced with what I am facing. I am struggling so hard right now and didn't really need to be kicked when I am down. Yes, I have faith. I know that whatever comes my way tomorrow that God is to be praised for it. If He chooses to allow me to be sick to bring Him glory then so be it. If He chooses to heal me in my sleep tonight and I never have any other problems again then so be it.
On another note, my poor husband has had to endure much of what he doesn't want to talk about. To discuss these things when we are going through something potentially major makes the topic that much more real. We have put off talking about the hard stuff because it's never fun to face. There are decisions that need to be made no matter what the outcome is. We purchased burial plots when Mom passed away so that is settled. As for funeral arrangements, I could care less. Put me in a pine box if you wish. I don't want to be cremated. There's also a certain funeral home I don't want to go to. Other than that, it doesn't matter to me. We need to make out a will. We need to decide who should get the kids should both of us pass before they are grown. That is the hardest thing. Five kids are a lot to take on. As parents we do our best to make the right choices for our kids. We would want our children to continue to homeschool and to go to be raised in a Christ-centered home. There are just a lot of factors that go into choosing someone, but I know that no one would do it exactly as I would. More than anything I just want someone who would help our kids remember us and who would take good care of them. There are a couple small things I have that I would want the kids to have when they get older. It's simply decisions that need to be made regardless because none of us are promised tomorrow. I want to make sure my wishes are known.
I think this might possibly be my most depressing blog yet. Yay me. Anyway, I will update more tomorrow, or whenever I know more. Thank you everyone for the prayers.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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