You Are Not An Accident

A couple nights ago I was looking for a poem for Mom's slide show and found this in my old myspace account.  God ordered my steps to find it that night.  For most of my life I have struggled with thinking I was an accident because my parents weren't married and never intended to have me.  I know there are others who struggle with their self-worth so I am sharing it here.  I hope it speaks to you like it did to me.




You are not an accident.  You are who you are for a reason.  You're part of an intricate plan.  You're a precious and perfectly unique design, called to be God's special man or woman.  You look like you do for a reason.  God makes no mistakes.  He knit you together within your mother's womb.  You're just what he wanted to make.  The parents He gave you were the ones He has chosen for you.  And no matter how you feel, they were custom designed with God's plan in mind.  They bear the the Master's seal.  The trauma you have faced wasn't easy.  God wept that you hurt so, but it was allowed to shape your heart so that you could grow into His likeness.  Yes, you are who are for a reason. You've been formed by the Master's Rod.




Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Heath and Fitness Goals for 2013

Goals 2013
(I am keeping my weight loss goals here from last year as well.)


Weight Goals

1. MET - Lose 5 lbs
2. MET -Lose 10% of my original weight - 36 lbs
3. MET - Lose 50 lbs
4. Lose 20% of my original weight - 72 lbs
5. Lose 75 lbs
6. Lose 100 lbs
7. Lose 30% of my original weight - 108 lbs
8. Lose 125 lbs. - That will be a whole person!
9. Lose 40% of my original weight - 144 lbs
10. Lose 150 lbs
11. Lose 175 lbs
12. Lose 50% of my original weight - 180 lbs
13. Lose 200 lbs
14. Lose 60% of my original weight - 216 lbs
15. Lose 225 lbs
16. Lose 250 lbs (That's two whole people!)
17. Lose 70% of my original weight - 252 lbs
18. Lose 260 lbs.



Clothing Size Goals


Shirts

2XL shirts
1XL shirts
Large shirts
Medium shirts

Pants

22/24 pants/skirts
20 pants/skirts
18 pants/skirts
16 pants/skirts
14 pants/skirts




Health Goals


1. Get my cholesterol to a normal level (unsure where it is now)
2. Maintain a healthy blood pressure
3. No more than 30 day cycles
4. Pregnancy



Fitness goals


1. Make it to the gym at least 3 times a week consistently
2. Be able to do 3 miles on TB
3. Be able to do 4 miles on TB
4. Start weight lifting
5.


Misc. Goals

1. Sit in vehicle without my stomach touching the steering wheel
2. Be able to ride bumper boats again
3. Be able to hug my husband without leaning forward. ;-)
4. Consistently read my Bible
5. Make it to church every week



(UPDATED: 12/29/12)


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)

Clinic Anniversary

Yesterday was my one year clinic anniversary.  The year has had its ups and downs. I am not where I'd hoped to be, but it's been a good year. I am blessed far beyond what I deserve. My kids are healthy, despite the colds they have right now. I am far healthier than I was this time a year ago. My marriage is in a better state than I was a year ago. Though, the past six months I haven't done nearly as well as I could have. I have gained weight the last couple months. That has been very hard to swallow. Still, I promised myself I would be honest in this blog and I am. This morning I weighed 306.2. I am so mad at myself, but there were warnings along the way. There were gentle reminders that I needed to reign back in. Let's see what goals I have accomplished this year, though.

This is a list of my misc. goals divided into categories. As time goes on
I'm sure I'll add more, but this is my starter list.

Weight Goals

1. Lose 5 lbs (met)
2. Lose 10% of my original weight - 36 lbs (met)
3. Lose 50 lbs (met)


Clothing Size Goals

Shirts

3XL shirts (met)

Health Goals

1. Normal BP (met)
2. Consistent Normal Blood Sugar (met)
3. Normal Periods (better, but not there yet)

Fitness goals

1. Be able to walk without getting blisters on my feet (met)
2. Be able to walk 2 miles without feeling like I'm dying. (met)
3. Be able to walk 2.5 MPH - 2.4 most of my walk now (met)
4. Be able to walk 2.5 miles (met)
5. Be able to walk 3 miles in an hour or less (met)


Misc Goals
1. Be able to wear seatbelt in vehicle. (met)

And So It Hits

The day started with the kids having their favorite breakfast - Poptarts.  I try to keep it very simple on Sunday mornings.  The less I expect on Sunday mornings the better off we all are.  We all got showered and dressed.  I tried to find a moment to send one of our birth moms a letter.  Each Christmas I try to send her a note just to thank her for the gift she gave me.  I didn't get the letter completed so I will take care of that tonight. 


We went to church for Sunday School.  The kids did pretty well through that part of service pretty well.  A few days ago, one of my children decided it'd be great fun to bend my glasses a million different ways.  Amazingly, they didn't break.  I did my best to bend them back into shape - you learn a few things as the mama of 5 rough housers - but it just wasn't good enough.  We went to the mall to have an early lunch and get my glasses fixed.  Then it was off to take John to work.


The kids and I spent our afternoon celebrating Christmas with my side of the family.  We all had a great time. My kids were spoiled.  Jewel-Anne even brought home a few parting gifts.  She received a purse for Christmas.  She needed something to put in her purse so she snuck some of Cindy's doggy toys home with her.  Apparently, we are going to have to start checking her purse and pockets before we leave. LOL  When we got home we decorated the kids banks they got and put their money in it.  Afterwards it was time for a small snack and bedtime.  They are all snoozing now. 


I am sitting here in the quiet.  The only noises I hear are the smoke alarm (it beeps every few seconds to let me know it's still there) and the occasional bark from the dog.  I crave the quiet normally, but tonight it is simply too much.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  I have a good husband, wonderful kids, lots of extended family.  I am getting to build a relationship with my Dad and his wife.  There should be no reason to feel down, but I do.  Four Christmases without her and hopefully I'll be blessed with many more on this earth.  Four years of growing into motherhood.  Three extra little faces around the tree.  All I can think about is how she should be here with us.  I know God had His reasons for letting her go home when she did.  I would never EVER bring her back to this world of pain and suffering, but oh how I miss her.


I am so thankful for the TRUE meaning of this season.  I am just ready to be done with the commercialism of it for this year.  If it wasn't for the kids, the tree would already be down.  It will come down Wednesday, though.  Half the lights are already blown anyway.  Christmas Tuesday.  Mama's Glory Anniversary Friday.  I pray that the day comes that every Christmas isn't overshadowed by her death.  I have done my best to hold it together this year for my kids, but I can't do it tonight.  Tomorrow, I will paint on a happy face as we go about our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day activities.  Tomorrow, I will make sure the kids know that I love and care for them.  Tonight, though... Tonight, I will cry.


Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5 (NKJV)


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

The Gift

 

My Precious Daddy

My Sweet Bonus Mama



What is on your wish list for Christmas?  When asked this question most people could name an extensive (and expensive) list very quickly!  My Christmas list usually consists of things no one can buy me.  I want my Mama back.  I want to see my Daddy.  I want more children.  I want to see myself the way God sees me.  I'm not asking for much, am I? 


Today I received my Christmas present from God early this year.  I have been trying to make plans with Dad for the longest time.  When I could, he couldn't.  When he could, I couldn't.  The timing just wasn't right.  I have spent many days crying in the arms of my husband because this journey is such a hard one.  I am such a passionate person and when I love, I love deeply.  I have done my best not to be pushy either.  The last seven months have been one wild, emotionally-charged roller coaster. Over the past month I had talked to Dad a couple times.  He was going to be on vacation this week so we'd made tentative plans for this week.  I called him last night hoping we could plan something.  He told me that he'd look at their schedule and asked me to call again this morning.  I did just that.  We decided to meet for lunch.  That gave me an little more than an hour to shower, get dressed, go to the bank, stop at the Christian bookstore (forgot his copy of October Baby) and get to the restaurant.  I showed up a few minutes after 11 and thought for sure I was late.  I wasn't late. I was actually 20 minutes early.  Oops! On the way to meet them I kept praying God would allow us to have a pleasant visit.  God granted my wish.


They arrived and we ordered our food.  I had two gift bags with me because we hadn't seen each other since May.  I had Father's Day, Birthday and Christmas stuff for him and birthday and Christmas presents for Bonus Mama. We talked for the longest time after we finished eating.  I couldn't have asked for a better visit.  He hugged me twice and we got pictures together.  It was everything I could've dreamed of.  We said good-bye all too soon, though.  After they left, I had a couple of business calls to return so I did that.  Then I ran over to Books-A-Million to look around.  While I was there, I ran into them again.  We discussed books for a little while.  I found out that Bonus Mama likes Amish books. She also recommended a couple books for me.  I am excited to read them.


Yes, dear friends, my gift came early this year.  It didn't come in the form of presents wrapped under the tree.  It came after almost three decades of prayer.  It came seven months after this journey started.  It came dressed in jeans and a button down shirt.  The greatest gift I could've received this year was my Daddy.  He is worth every minute I have waited. He is worth every second I have spent in prayer.  This blessing is worth every tear I have shed and I would do it all again for just one moment with him. 


God, thank you for the blessing you have given me in Dad and his wife.  No matter what anyone says, every little girl wants the love of her daddy.  I am thankful that Bonus Mama has been so understanding through all of this and treats me so well.  I love them so much.  Please bless them in the coming year for all of the kindness they have shown to me.  Please give them good health for whatever time we all have left here on this earth.  Give me patience and help our relationship to grow. In Jesus name, Amen.

Granting Grace for Myself

I have finally finished all of my Christmas Shopping!!!  The kids will like what I got them.  (Believe it or not, Isaiah is the hardest to shop for.)  I am really impressed with John's gift! Gift Cards for Dad and Bonus Mama. I hate that I don't know them better.  Gift Cards are so impersonal.  Shopped for my siblings on Mom's side.  Everything is wrapped.  My box wasn't big enough to hold everything so the gifts are sitting on the coffee table in the living room.  Every day I hear "Mommy, is it "Chrisum" yet?"  Not yet, Liana. Soon, it will be.


I have really been struggling with getting into the mood to celebrate this year.  I am so thankful for my kids, but getting into the spirit of Christmas has been sooooo difficult this year.  I hate that every time Christmas comes I am haunted with memories of years past and visions of what I believe things should look like now.  My table is missing Grammie stories, 14 little hands and feet.  I am at a low point and I am just ready for this season to be behind me.  This isn't at all what God wants for me.  It's not what Mama wants for me either. 


I have been beating myself up for a month for not sticking to my diet.  I have had enough of that mental and physical torture.  I am giving myself a 3 week vacation.  Whatever goes into my mouth will not make me feel guilty.  I won't allow it.  This may not be the best way to deal with things, but it is what I have chosen to do.


On a brighter note, I received a couple suprises this weekend.  My dear, precious friend Stephanie sent me a Christmas card.  She made me cry. ;-)  I also received a card from Dad and Bonus Mama. The first ever gift/card from them.  I will cherish it.  I didn't really expect to get one of them.  Dad seems to  be the typical man who doesn't think about those things.  My thanks goes out to Bonus Mama for remembering me. 


I suppose that is all for now.  I am not sure I will be blogging for the rest of the year.  So just in case I don't "see" you before then - May God bless you with the merriest of Christmases.  I hope we all pause to thank God for His Christmas Gift to us.  That Gift is no longer a baby in a manger.  He grew up, was beaten and died on the Cross for the whole world's sins.  Now He lives forever more.  May we always remember that Christ is the reason for the season.  Please keep the CT shooting victims' families in your prayers.  Their tables will be very lonely this year, too.



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

The Joy and Sorrow of Christmas

I remember making a statement a couple months ago about having 45ish day cycles.  Of course the moment I notice this, this would change.  This morning I woke up bleeding.  Last cycle was 65 days long.  Bleh!


I certainly hope that PMS was the reason behind all of these crazy emotions I have been having.  If so then there is hope that life will become normal again.  Of course my normal would look anything but normal to most people.  ;-)  I am supposed to meet with Dad next week so it would be nice to feel normal when I do it.


Christmas is such a hard time for me.  Before the boys came into our lives, I always decorated the house the first weekend in November.  I did it because Mama loved Christmas so.  I also knew by the time Thanksgiving rolled around that I would be in no mood for the jolly season.  Christmas was bittersweet even then.  I made everything as perfect as possible for Mama, but I was dying inside.  I  just couldn't find the joy in the season when my arms were so empty.  It doesn't help matters that Elijah's due date is just after Christmas.  I struggle with knowing that there should be 24 little hands unwrapping presents, making cookies and helping Mama decorate.  Instead 14 of them will be decorating in Heaven this year. 


I am so thankful that Christ came to earth as a baby, bled and died on the cross for my sins as an adult and rose from the grave.  His life and death would've taken place even if I was the only one who needed Him.  It is really hard to separate the real reason from the commercialism of it all.  I wish I could be one of those people who looked back with a tear of joy in my eye and remember all of the good without the sadness.  I am not there, yet.  I will be one day, but today isn't the day.  When I think of Christmas I think of Christ, yes, but I also think of Mama not being here any longer and all of the things my babies are missing.  Isn't it funny how we, as Glory Mommies, think of all the stuff our Glory Babies are missing?  Yet if we stop and think about it, would we really want them to experience it all?  God's plan is perfect and His purpose was true for each of my kids.  He didn't want them to experience the sin of this fallen world.  He loved both of us enough to spare those seven of the heartbreak this world gives.  So I will pick myself up, finish the Christmas shopping I have to do, watch movies and bake cookies with my kids.  We will read the Christmas Story of Jesus' birth and celebrate the heart of Christmas.

Preparing for a Busy Week

Today has been a pretty good day.  This morning we got dressed for church, made breakfast and headed out the door.  My awesome husband made a mad dash into Walgreens for Jolly Ranchers.  Bonus Mama told me a few months ago, that if I would keep candy in their mouths  that my children wouldn't be able to talk through service.  God love her; she was right!  We still have the occasional outburst from Little Man, but  that is about it.  Now I know giving them a lot of candy isn't good for them.  I will do it if that's what it takes for the  next year or two to get them to sit through service, though.  I am not usually a candy person, but I can't seem to stay away from the green apple and watermelon Jolly Ranchers right now.  I had the pleasure of having a conversation with a lady at church.  She has such a sweet family.  I'm rather quiet at church and feel like I have to stay with the kids so I don't get around and socialize much.  She sat down beside me and we chatted for a while.  God knew I needed that this morning.  I look forward to getting to know her better.


We took John to work after church and we came home for a while.  I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine.  We talked for over an hour.  I got off the phone with her and went about my business.  Then, like a ton of bricks, this overwhelming sadness hit me.  A few days ago a friend of mine made a graphic for my Glory Babies.  It is beautiful.  I realized I hadn't uploaded it to facebook so I did.  That lead to me going to youtube and listening to some of the songs in my Glory Babies playlist.  Most days I do fine.  Things this seasons, haven't plagued me too badly.  Today it just hit me.  There's so much that I would be doing with them right now.  It is in these times of grief that my spirit looks up to my Heavenly Father and says "But I will still trust You."  Unless you have had a child die, you can't understand the pain that goes along with it - a pain like none other.  After I got the kids to bed tonight I walked out of the room to do a couple things.  As I left, the song "Finally Home" came on the TV.  This has become one of many of my "Mama" songs.


When we got to church tonight, we found out that a dear family in our church had a car accident.  The wife and daughter were fine, but Dad was taken to the hospital.  Please keep the Greene Family in your prayers.  We know that God is in control and will see Mr. Greene through whatever is going on with him.


Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day.   There are just a few days left in this year.  Our insurance will become effective mid-December, but since nothing life threatening is going on I am saving all of our all of our appointments until January.  I am going to start making appointments tomorrow, though.  There's so many things that I have let slide over the past few years.  Now is the time to get it all taken care of.  I will need to see my PCP (gotta find one) first.  I need to track down my neurology records from my childhood.  I am praying that God will allow me to be able to see the doctor who did my surgery when I was younger.  The last time I talked to them, they said he wasn't accepting patients, then.


Finding a new neurologist scares me.  I was talking with my friend, Amy, this afternoon and this subject came up.  I want to be in the hands of someone who knows what they are doing - no matter what kind of doctor I require.  There is room for exception sometimes.  I don't need a world renowned primary doctor.  I know enough about my health to know when things don't seem right and can seek a second opinion.  Being  a hydrocephalus patient who hasn't been checked out in nearly two decades, there's always the possibility that I may need to have my shunt replaced.  Should that happened, I want the best there is.  I want to know that while I'm laying on the table with someone hacking into my brain that I am not going to wake up paralyzed or  worse because of someone's carelessness.  The second doctor would be my reproductive doctors.  I want someone who knows their stuff.  I am twenty-nine.  My husband and I want a large family.  I want to keep my ovaries and uterus and I want them to work.  I also want to make sure that my doctor is as on-board with helping me get pregnant as I am.  If s/he isn't invested in my care like they should be, then they have no business having my fertility in their hands.  If you think about it tomorrow please say a prayer that God will lead me to all of the right people.  I want to have peace with the choices I make.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Climbing Back on the Saddle

I have been meaning to sit down all week and write this, but I just haven't done it.  So I have made some progress.  I made it back to the gym this week.  I was able to make it in twice.  The first day I only made it twelve minutes, but I made it twenty minutes the next time.  I could've lasted a lot longer, but my ankle is still sore.  A couple weeks ago I fell.  My ankle hurts when I walk on it now.  We are still waiting for our insurance to kick in with John's new job, but right now I can tolerate it.


There are a lot of different factors that have kept me from the gym lately.  John and I sat down and discussed how my health and weight loss has to be a priority for both of us.  We faced hard facts that if I don't do this I will die.  I don't mean to sound so morbid, but that's the harsh reality of it all. It's not like I am 10 lbs overweight. I am almost 3 times the size of what I need to be.


This week has been good and crazy and frightening and every emotion known to man.  Yesterday started off great. I was headed for the gym when I got up.  John had to run to Walmart. I ended up leaving later than what I wanted to so I didn't have time for the gym.  John told me to go have a relaxing lunch before work.  I called Bonus Mama to confirm their address for Christmas cards. I ended up being on the phone with her for over an hour.  I love our chats.  She told me Dad wasn't feeling good, though.  He has been sick.  It breaks my heart because we aren't to the place where my presence would be a great comfort to him.  Right now, that's the only place I want to be. 


It also takes me back to the days when Mama was sick.  I always swore that I would remember the good times I had with her and not focus on the bad, but sometimes it's hard not to go back to that place of suffering.  For now all, all I can do is pray that Dad will get over this little bump in the road and that God will give me peace and comfort.  I don't know how to be the daughter that doesn't "fix" things. 


John had no sooner got to work than I had to call him home.  Jewel-Anne and Liana were playing and racing through the house.  Jewel-Anne stopped but Liana didn't. Jewel-Anne hit the hardwood and busted her nose.  I couldn't get the bleeding to stop so we went to the ER.  She's fine but it took forever to get the official OK.  We went to dinner and to look at Christmas lights before we came home.  I think that eased her suffering a bit. ;-)

This morning we had a great time at church.  In a couple weeks, the kids are going to be in our church's Christmas program.  This will be the first year that my big boys get to participate in the church program.  I am excited for them.


I hope everyone has a great week.  Live it to the fullest!

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

December Tattle (Er...I Mean Weigh-In)

Date: December 2, 2012

Weight: 296.6 (done at home)

Blood Pressure:127/66

Resting Heart Rate (See below for instructions): 88

Circumference Measurements

Neck: 16.75 inches
 

Waist: 59 inches

Hips: 64 inches 

Thigh: 54 inches

Chest: 51 inches

Alright now there's the seriousness of it all. Measurements don't lie. I decided to get lazy and my measurements prove it. Here we go again. This time for real!!