A Year In Books 2018

In 2016, I started doing the "Year In Books" challenge after a friend of mine started doing it. The first year, I set a goal for myself to read twelve books. My reading desire comes in waves so I thought I could easily cover that many in a year. I ended up reading over fifty. When I was thinking about my challenge for 2017, I decided my goals would be fifty-two books. I had proven I could do at least one book a week. I surpassed that more than triple. As of now, I have read one hundred nineteen books and I still have a few days to go. For the next year, I am going to set my goal at seventy-five books. Let's see how that goes!!!

1. The Goose By Peggy L. Henderson
2. The Maid By Rachel Wesson
3. The Dancing Lady By Mimi Milan
4. The Lord By Danica Favorite
5. The Piper By Amanda McIntyre
6. The Drum By E.E. Burke
7. Bride for Malcolm By Kay Dawson
8. Bride for Colton By Cassie Hayes
9. Bride for Calvin By Amelia Adams
10. Bride for Gilbert By Kirsten Osbourne
11. Mail Order Memories By Kirsten Osbourne
12. Wyoming Wedding By Kirsten Osbourne
13. Rancher's Remorse By Merry Farmer
14. Cowboy Conundrum By Kirsten Osbourne
15. Teacher's Troublemaker By Merry Farmer
16. Baker's Bargain By Kirsten Osbourne
17. Scotsman's Siren By Merry Farmer
18. Trainer's Treat By Kirsten Osbourne
19. Veterinarian's Vixen By Merry Farmer
20. Contractor's Cookies By Kirsten Osbourne
21. Tycoon's Tryst By Merry Farmer
22. Minnie By Kirsten Osbourne
23. Bride for Andrew By Kay Dawson
24. Bartender's Beauty By Kirsten Osbourne
25. Drifter's Darling By Merry Farmer
26. Agent's Admirer By Kirsten Osbourne
27. Hairdresser's Honey By Merry Farmer
28. Pastor's Prize By Kirsten Osbourne
29.  Architect's Angel By Merry Farmer
30. Lazy Love By Kirsten Osbourne
31. Mail Order Melancholy By Kirsten Osbourne
32. Literary Love By Kirsten Osbourne
33. Lying Love By Kirsten Osbourne
34. Lost Love By Kirsten Osbourne
35. Bride for Marshall By Cassie Hayes
36. The Nanny By Kirsten Osbourne
37. The Maid By Ava Catori
38. Bride for Peter By Amelia Adams
39. The Advisor By Merry Farmer
40. Adam By Kirsten Osbourne
41. Benjamin By Amelia Adams
42. Caleb By Kirsten Osbourne
43. Daniel By Amelia Adams
44. Ephraim By Kirsten Osbourne
45. Frank By Amelia Adams
46. Gideon By Kirsten Osbourne
47. Bride for Ernest By Kirsten Osbourne
48. Conquered By Kirsten Osbourne
49. Adored By Kirsten Osbourne
50. Seduced By Kirsten Osbourne
51. Steven By Kirsten Osbourne
52. Justin By Kirsten Osbourne
53. Cody By Kirsten Osbourne
54. The Earl's Love By Kirsten Osbourne
55. The Duke's True Love By Kirsten Osbourne
56. The Prince's Charmed Love By Kirsten Osbourne
57. Bride for Aaron By Kay Dawson
58. Rocky Mountain Mornings By Kirsten Osbourne
59. Rocky Mountain Hero By Cassie Hayes
60. Rocky Mountain Soul By Kay Dawson
61. Rocky Mountain Bride By Nadia Lee
62. Rocky Mountain Promise By Ciara Knight
63. Rocky Mountain Nights By Kirsten Osbourne
64. Rocky Mountain Home By Cassie Hayes
65. Rocky Mountain Heart By Kay Dawson
66. Rocky Mountain Baby By Nadia Lee
67. Rocky Mountain Faith By Ciara Knight
68. Bride for Bryce By Cassie Hayes
69. Bride for Michael By Amelia Adams
70. Justin's Runaway Bride By Kit Morgan
71. The Marshal's Rebellious Bride By Cassie Hayes
72. Married in Montana By Kirsten Osbourne
73. Meddling in Manhattan By Kirsten Osbourne
74. Wishing in Wisconsin By Kirsten Osbourne
75. Dreaming in Dairyland By Kirsten Osbourne
76. Kissing in Kansas By Kirsten Osbourne
77. Only in Oklahoma By Kirsten Osbourne
78. Blushing in Boston By Kirsten Osbourne
79. Longing in Louisiana By Kirsten Osbourne
80. Nursing in Northlake By Kirsten Osbourne
81. Teasing in Texas By Kirsten Osbourne
82. Wooing In Wyoming By Kirsten Osbourne
83. Anxious in Atlanta By Kirsten Osbourne
84. Anchored in Alaska By Kirsten Osbourne
85. Sweethearts in South Dakota By Kirsten Osbourne
86. Treasured in Tennessee By Kirsten Osbourne
87. Forever in Florida By Keira Barton
88. Bride for Liam By Kay Dawson
89. Alexander: A Seventh Sons Novel By Kirsten Osbourne
90. Robert: A Seventh Sons Novel By Kirsten Osbourne
91. Braden: A Seventh Sons Novel By Kirsten Osbourne
92. Beatrice the Bride By Kirsten Osbourne
93. Lucky in Love By Jo Noelle
94. Rescuing the Rancher By George McVey
95. Bride for Curtis By Cassie Hayes
96. Taming the Trainer By Sara Jolene
97. Mail Order Merchant: Brides of Beckham By Kirsten Osbourne
98. Waiting on Waylon By Jo Noelle
99. Hannah the Healer By George McVey
100. Wooing the Widow By Sara Jolene
101. Bribing the Blacksmith By Amelia Adams
102. Kisses with KC By Jo Noelle
103. Bride for Richard Amelia Adams
104. Irresistible in Idaho By Keira Barton
105. Banking on Beth By George McVey
106. Captivating the Carpenter By Sara Jolene
107. Reforming the Rebel By Kirsten Osbourne
108. Tea for Two By Amelia Adams
109. Suffrage and Suitors By Jo Noelle
110. Martha By Kirsten Osbourne
111. Persuading the Preacher By George McVey
112. Healing the Hooligan By Sara Jolene
113. Nessa By Sara Jolene
114. Loving the Landlord By Amelia Adams
115. Capturing the Cook By Kirsten Osbourne
116. Learning to Love By Jo Noelle
117. Mail Order Machinations By Kirsten Osbourne
118. Mail Order Marvel By Kirsten Osbourne
119. Sweet on the Swede By George McVey
120. Loving Lily By Kirsten Osbourne
121. Courting Constance By Kirsten Osbourne
122. Text Order Bride By Kirsten Osbourne
123. All for Emma By Kirsten Osbourne
124. Bewildering the Barkeep By Sara Jolene
125. Dream Lover By Kirsten Osbourne
126. Lies By Kirsten Osbourne
127. Making Me Believe By Kirsten Osbourne
128. Making Deals By Kirsten Osbourne
129. Short-Order Sherriff By Kirsten Osbourne
130. Veterinarian's Vacation By Pamela Kelley
131. Accidental Agent By Amelia Adams
132. Whitewater Wooing By Caroline Lee
131. Accidental Agent By Amelia Adams
132. Mail Order Marm By Kirsten Osbourne
133. Defying the Darkness By Amelia Adams
134. Kennan By Kirsten Osbourne
135. Honest Horseman By Cindy Caldwell
136. Ranch's Retreat By Kirsten Osbourne
137. Nuptials In Nevada By Keira Barton
138. Bride for George By Kirsten Osbourne
139. Hattie By Kirsten Osbourne
140. Truly His Type By Jo Noelle
141. Charming Chef By Pamela Kelley
142. Taco Truck Tryst By Kirsten Osbourne
143. Nesting in North Carolina By Kirsten Osbourne
144. The Beloved Christmas Quilt By Multi Author
145. Adoring the Architect By George McVey
146. Rhyme or Reason By Amelia Adams
147. Theresa By Kirsten Osbourne
148. Katie By Kirsten Osbourne
149. Heather By Kirsten Osbourne
150. Jessica By Amelia Adams
151. Trusting the Tycoon By Marianne Spitzer
152. Gaylynn By Kirsten Osbourne
153. Ophelia By Kit Morgan
154. Rebekah By Amelia Adams
155. Tracy By Kirsten Osbourne
156. Candice By Amelia Adams
157. Marti By Kirsten Osbourne
158. Jolie By E.E. Burke

My First Weigh-In (Again)

Last week, I weighed in at 332 at the doctor's office last week. Well, I weighed as soon as I got home and went with that weight since my scale is where I will weigh in most of the time. I wasn't happy with 332, but it is what it is. I weighed today and I have dropped 5 pounds. I would have loved to see a bigger number, but that wasn't my goal this week. I have had two Slim Fast shakes a day and ate whatever I wanted for dinner. My goal was just to make sure I got in the habit of drinking my shakes. Given the contents of my diet this week, I am happy with a 5 pound loss.

Blessings,

Lisa

Day 3

Day three of Slim Fast. Thus far, it isn't tasting any better. I am dealing ok, though. One big plus is this morning's fasting blood sugar was 199. It isn't the best, but it's a far cry from the 300+ fasting readings I was getting not long ago.

Lisa

This Picture

This picture. This picture was taken last night. It was my first Slim Fast shake of diet round # 4581258. I do not want to do this. My mind, body, and heart are completely against it this time. I do not want to fail, again. I don't want to hear well-meaning but irritating advice. I do not want to have people judging every bite/sip I put in my mouth. I just want to enjoy my food. 

Last July, I went to the doctor because my blood sugars were running pretty high. Right after that, my husband lost his job and our insurance. I was able to have one doctor's appointment before we were without coverage. I have periodically checked my blood sugar since then. I have gotten to the point where my blood sugar doesn't make me feel bad unless it is in the 400s. 

When Mama died, I got so angry with her for not taking better care of herself. Now, I understand the struggle she had. Sometimes you just want to be able to live a "normal" life. I want to be able to eat what I want without constantly being worried about/counting every bite that goes in my mouth. So I struggle. I want to do the right thing. I want to be healthy for my family. I don't want to die early...I just don't want to do the things that I need to do to get there. I just drank my second shake. Hopefully this will get better over time. Right now, this just sucks. 

Identity Loss

I have been composing this blog in my head for a few days now. My hope is that I can put into words what I want to say. One of the reasons I stopped blogging was because I started having trouble getting my thoughts into words on paper (or screen).

I grew up knowing I was meant to be a mama. I played with dolls from the time I was little. It was more than the usually little girl doll play. Those dolls were my BABIES. I would use my allowance to buy real diapers and human baby clothes. As I got older, I purchased full-sized strollers and carseats for my babies. I played with my dolls much longer than most girls did. It was who I was. I was born to be a mama. When I was 12, I got my first job babysitting. I was homeschooled so my schedule was more flexible than most teen sitters. Over the years, I had several kids that I helped care for. They were my babies.

In my late teen years, I joined a church and youth group. I had trouble fitting in because I didn't feel I was like them. Oh, they were good kids. I had a couple close friends during those years. My life was just in a different place. They were teens who wanted to be teens. I was sixteen and dreaming of babies, a husband and family. In my group of friends, I have always been the caregiver/mothering type. I took care of my mama, helped care for my great-aunt, and my grandparents. Now, I have my kids and my husband to care for. My dreams finally came true.

All was great for a while. Then, I lost my mama. I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. My joy vanished. Anxiety increased. I have struggled for years in my relationship with God. I am a Christian. I have been saved. I try to do what God would have me to do, but I feel like a shell of the person I was. I have given all I have to give. I try to hold it all together. I am supposed to be the strong one. I am the mama - not just to my kids, but to all of those around me. My cup is running empty with no way to fill it. I have prayed. I have asked God to restore the passion I once felt. Yet, I sit here feeling like I am letting everyone down. I am not who I was and that hurts so bad. It is hard to fill everyone else's cups when the well in your own soul is running dry. I have tried going to church. I have prayed. I have tried self-care and counseling. I sit here wondering where the answers are supposed to come from. Surely, there's something I am missing because everything I am trying isn't working. God is a good God. Even in the midst of my trials, I know that His goodness hasn't changed. I want to be the person who is as light to all. Yet, right now, I am drowning and there's no boats to save me.

Lisa