The last year of my life has been such a roller coaster. From the lowest of lowest, to the highest of highs and lots in the middle. John and I separated in November of last year. I didn't think I would ever recover from that. Then, when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. Finally, I started healing. After much prayer, God restored my marriage. I cannot express to you how happy this made me.
The year has also brought my stress and anxiety level to the highest place I have remember it being ever. After increasing my medication and still having increasing anxiety attacks, I decided to try therapy. I searched and searched for a just the right therapist. I wanted a woman who was a Christian. Surprisingly, that is hard to find. I found one, but she didn't take my insurance. I was very disappointed to find out I couldn't see her. Then, God led me to another lady. I understand now why I couldn't see the first one. This therapist is an amazing person. She is a Christian. Our personalities mesh so well. I am so thankful that God withholds what we THINK we want to give us what we need.
The first few sessions I have had with her have been very difficult. Digging into your mind and bringing up issues you have tried to bury for so long is very painful. There have been times when I decided I didn't want to go back. Even though I am miserable and know that I cannot go on like this, the misery I am in seemed like a better alternative than the misery caused by confronting my issues. I am not quitting, though.
My first two assignments from her have been surprisingly difficult. The first one was to sit down and write a letter to someone. In this letter I had to write about the things I would say to them if they were in front of me. It took me over three hours to write the letter because it was such an emotional process for me. I would write a while. Then, stop and cry a while. Then I'd write a while. Let's not forget to throw in the occasional panic attack caused from it. It took me two weeks to get the letter to where I wanted it. Yesterday, I read the letter to my therapist. It was very healing, but there is still work to be done. Please pray for me as I take the next steps in the process of healing.
The other assignment I had was completely separate from the first. Well, sort of. She wants me to work on self care. She wants me to start writing in a journal. She also wants me to start scheduling time for myself. Time to just get out of the house and go do something that I want to do. Things that will reduce my anxiety. Things that will make me happy.
That kind of brings me to the point of this blog. I realize how stupid this sounds, but I have no idea who I am. I know I am Lisa. I know that I am a wife and a mom. That's just it. My entire life has been spent wrapped up in being something for someone else. I was young when my grandparents died, but I remember caring for them. I took care of my mom when she was sick. I helped take care of Aunt Flossie. I am a wife. I am a mom. There are all these labels that are attached to me, but when I strip away all those labels, I couldn't tell you who I am or what I like. Now, I am starting a quest to find out who I really am. I am still a wife, mom, sister, friend. I am happy to be all of those things, but I want to find out who Lisa is.
I like to read. When I find a good book, I will read until the end, only stopping for life. I like to sing, although I sound like Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. Beyond that, most of the things I enjoy are wrapped up in someone else. My journey will begin by finding new hobbies, doing new things, meeting new people. No, I am not going through a midlife crisis. I have just spent most of my life as such a homebody that I am going to get out more and live life. Carpe Diem.
