My list...
I saw a post on a friend's blog. She got the idea from one of her friends, and I loved it! For every pound lost, give a reason to have lost that pound! Here is my list so far.
1. To live to raise my kids, not just live but be able to have a full life.
2. To be able to get pregnant without fertility drugs, without miscarriage, and without risking my life to do so.
3. To be able to play with my kids without getting out of breath.
4. Sit comfortably without pinching the nerve in my hip.
5. Walk through the pew at church without having to side step
6. Walk a mile without feeling like I'm dying.
7. I want to see my great grandchildren.
8. I want to be proud of myself.
9. I want to believe my husband when he tells me I'm gorgeous and not just believe he's saying because he feels he has to.
10. Not have my legs touch in the middle
11. To walk in a room without feeling everyone is talking about me.
12. To be able to dress up when I go out on a date with my husband.
13. To not die at the age of 61 like my mama did.
14. To avoid all the health problems my mama had.
15. To be a good role model for my children, especially my girls.
16. To get the new wardrobe my sister promised me 20 years ago if I would lose weight. She told me the other day that she still intends to make good on her promise when I lose everything I need too. (220 lbs to go).
17. To be able to use to Wii Fit. My starting weight exceeded the limit.
18. To be able to hug my husband without leaning forward.
19. To be able to be carried over the threshold for my 10th anniversary.
20. To make my mama proud of me.
21. To be able to shop and not pay extra for my clothes.
22. To have ENERGY.
23. To be able to stand and see my legs.
24. To be able to stand and see my toes!
25. To be able to carry my 7 year old without having back pain for the next day.
26. To rid myself of sleep apnea.
27. To learn how to make healthy eating choices.
28. To feel like said healthy eating isn't a punishment.
29. To no longer make excuses for my eating behavior. (working on that one now.)
30. To not get depressed when I food journal.
31. To have a normal BP.
32. To live without diabetes.
33. To go to the doctor without being lectured about losing weight.
34. To go to the beach without feeling like a freak in a bathing suit.
35. To be able to ride an airplane for the first time without needing 2 seats.
36. To be able to reach others and encourage them through their journey as well. If I can do it, ANYONE can.
37. To be able to jump.
38. To run for the first time ever.
39. To be able to fit into jeans again.
40. To be small enough to have a body fat assessment. (Not that I really want/need to know, but I'm currently over the limit for the test. 02/2012)
41. To be able to have a professional massage. (Right now when I lay on my stomach I feel like I'm going to die)
42. To ride bumper boats again.
43. To be able to weigh my toddlers on WiiFit. (Tried to do this the other day and our combined weight was too much!)
44. To no longer be the fat girl.
45. To have a lap again. (Currently my kids sit on my belly)
46. To be able to carry two of my children at one time.
47. To carry my children without my back hurting.
48. To stand through praise and worship without my back hurting.
49. To be able to make two meals out of ONE restaurant meal and still feel full.
50. To be more outgoing.
51. To walk instead of waddle.
52. When I die, I want to be able to have a normal coffin and not need 12 men to carry it.
53. To be able to try new things with my husband.
54. To be able to shop at normal clothing stores again.
55. To enjoy outdoor activities.
56. To meet my dad.
57. To out-live my dad.
58. To be able to go to the spa without breaking the table. ;-)
59. To make my dad proud of me.
60. To not be the biggest of all 8 of my siblings.
61. To wear a size 8 wedding band!
(To be Cont.)
This journey is changing me so much. Right now I am struggling to stay positive, but I will not give up. There's no going back. I look forward to updating this list again soon!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Thursday, May 31, 2012
June Fitness Tracker
JUNE FITNESS TRACKER
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MAY 31 -
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June FItness Challenges
JUNE FITNESS CHALLENGES
NUTRITION CHALLENGES
1. Drink water. Drink water. Drink Water.
2. Eat more fruit.
3. Find a low-cal snack.
4. Continue food journaling.
5. Marble Slab one time!
FITNESS CHALLENGES
1. Hit 290 before my birthday (6/28).
2. Go to the gym every day before vacation.
3. Do 3 miles on The Beast.
4. Find a weight routine to start.
5. Exercise at least one time during vacation.
SPIRITUAL / EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES
1. Find a personal bible study to do.
2. Go out on date with hubby to celebrate anniversary.
3. Meet with my Dad again.
4. Work on using quiet voices with kids/hubby.
5. MNO w/ Stephanie
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
NUTRITION CHALLENGES
1. Drink water. Drink water. Drink Water.
2. Eat more fruit.
3. Find a low-cal snack.
4. Continue food journaling.
5. Marble Slab one time!
FITNESS CHALLENGES
1. Hit 290 before my birthday (6/28).
2. Go to the gym every day before vacation.
3. Do 3 miles on The Beast.
4. Find a weight routine to start.
5. Exercise at least one time during vacation.
SPIRITUAL / EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES
1. Find a personal bible study to do.
2. Go out on date with hubby to celebrate anniversary.
3. Meet with my Dad again.
4. Work on using quiet voices with kids/hubby.
5. MNO w/ Stephanie
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Month Five Fitness Challenge Report
MAY FITNESS CHALLENGES
1. COMPLETED - I will eat more fruit.
2. COMPLETED - I will start food journaling (again).
3. COMPLETED - I will drink more water.
4. COMPLETED - I will try at least one new diet friendly recipe this month.
5. COMPLETED - I will work on decreasing my sodium intake.
6. COMPLETED - I will pray more.
7. COMPLETED - I will take one day/night each week for me to regroup and relax.
I completed seven of my challenges. Not the greatest, but I am pretty proud of myself. I am looking forward to better progress next month.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
1. COMPLETED - I will eat more fruit.
2. COMPLETED - I will start food journaling (again).
3. COMPLETED - I will drink more water.
4. COMPLETED - I will try at least one new diet friendly recipe this month.
5. COMPLETED - I will work on decreasing my sodium intake.
6. COMPLETED - I will pray more.
7. COMPLETED - I will take one day/night each week for me to regroup and relax.
I completed seven of my challenges. Not the greatest, but I am pretty proud of myself. I am looking forward to better progress next month.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
TIme for an Update
Good morning! It's been a while since I updated so I wanted to take the opportunity to do so as we close out month five. It's so hard to believe all of the changes that have taken place this month. I look forward to many, many more next month.
From a diet/exercise standpoint, I got sick this month and had gained a pound when I went in for my weigh-in. I am feeling much better and have made it to the gym most days. I have noticed a big difference on the scales too, but I will wait to post those results until weigh in. I will say I think they have rigged their scales at the clinic. I weighed at clinic when I went in for my shot yesterday (just to see where they said I was) and it weighed me almost 4 lbs more than my scales at the gym. THAT was NOT nice! IN order to get into the program you have to meet a certain BMI requirement so perhaps that is why they do it. Who knows, but I am not impressed. The past couple days I have been drinking so much water that I feel like a fish. I am hoping this helps also. I noticed a HUGE difference in my appetite though! That is a major bonus.
Yesterday, my husband treated me to a spa day. After I left the gym, I went to the spa and had an hour long massage and a facial. HEAVEN ON EARTH! I will definitely be doing that in the future! For anyone thinking of giving me a birthday present, money would be a great idea...I will thank you after my next massage. ;-)
Things with Dad are going very well. I still can't believe that this is really happening. There is so much I want to say to him. There is so much I may never have the courage to say to him. He has given me the greatest gift and that was his love and acceptance. I have talked to him a couple times since our meeting. We are going to make plans to get together to celebrate Father's Day somewhere around that time. For years I have dreamed of sitting in church with my Dad on Father's Day. I am hoping to make this dream a reality next year. I haven't asked him if he'd mind me joining him this year, but I feel like he still needs more space right now. One thing I have learned through this is that I love him enough to allow him to take his time. I don't want to push things too fast. So for this Father's Day, I will love him from afar and dream of next year.
I guess that is a pretty good summary of life for month five. Life is crazy, but very blessed. I couldn't ask for anything better.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
From a diet/exercise standpoint, I got sick this month and had gained a pound when I went in for my weigh-in. I am feeling much better and have made it to the gym most days. I have noticed a big difference on the scales too, but I will wait to post those results until weigh in. I will say I think they have rigged their scales at the clinic. I weighed at clinic when I went in for my shot yesterday (just to see where they said I was) and it weighed me almost 4 lbs more than my scales at the gym. THAT was NOT nice! IN order to get into the program you have to meet a certain BMI requirement so perhaps that is why they do it. Who knows, but I am not impressed. The past couple days I have been drinking so much water that I feel like a fish. I am hoping this helps also. I noticed a HUGE difference in my appetite though! That is a major bonus.
Yesterday, my husband treated me to a spa day. After I left the gym, I went to the spa and had an hour long massage and a facial. HEAVEN ON EARTH! I will definitely be doing that in the future! For anyone thinking of giving me a birthday present, money would be a great idea...I will thank you after my next massage. ;-)
Things with Dad are going very well. I still can't believe that this is really happening. There is so much I want to say to him. There is so much I may never have the courage to say to him. He has given me the greatest gift and that was his love and acceptance. I have talked to him a couple times since our meeting. We are going to make plans to get together to celebrate Father's Day somewhere around that time. For years I have dreamed of sitting in church with my Dad on Father's Day. I am hoping to make this dream a reality next year. I haven't asked him if he'd mind me joining him this year, but I feel like he still needs more space right now. One thing I have learned through this is that I love him enough to allow him to take his time. I don't want to push things too fast. So for this Father's Day, I will love him from afar and dream of next year.
I guess that is a pretty good summary of life for month five. Life is crazy, but very blessed. I couldn't ask for anything better.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Sunday, May 27, 2012
When Love Takes You In
When Love Takes You In - Steven Curtis Chapman
I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream
Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in
And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in
I cannot believe that the wild and crazy ride the last two months have sent me on. There are times I still have to remind myself that all of this is real. It's been two months since I watched the movie October Baby for the first time. It can't come to DVD soon enough, by the way. It's been two months since I found all of Dad's family on Facebook. And two months since I made that intial contact to my brother. I still haven't heard anymore from him since he confirmed that he was Dad's son, but maybe one day I will.
It's been about six weeks since I made the very first phone call to Dad. It took a few phone calls before I actually got to speak with him. I have hung on every conversation since then.
It's been exactly one week since I went down the road in my van trying to convince myself of all the reasons I SHOULDN'T be doing this. I finally arrived at my destination and spent the next hour trying to calm myself down. Then he walked out of his car. In an instant my whole world changed. I knew my life would change, but I never expected it to change like this. I still haven't been able to contact him again. He works on the farm a lot when he's not at his job. I have had several conversations with the women in his life. It is so interesting to find out so much about him.
It is so hard to believe that this whirlwind of a week is coming to a close. I am still in awe of God's mercies and his timing. By all accounts none of this should've happened. Finding him was a huge long shot, one that I had been searching for endlessly without result. Dad has health problems that should've kept this dream of mine from ever becoming reality. Finding him was the "easy" part. Then there is all the heart issues to consider for 7+ people. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 NKJV
Through the years I have spent a lot of time dreaming about what would happen when this time came. Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine things turning out so well. I am very excited to see what the future holds. I look forward to growing closer and getting to know each other.
I love you, Dad. I am so thankful that God chose you to be my Dad. I am thankful that after all these years that you welcomed me into your life. You will never know how much I missed you all those years or the healing that has taken place in my heart since then.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream
Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in
And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in
I cannot believe that the wild and crazy ride the last two months have sent me on. There are times I still have to remind myself that all of this is real. It's been two months since I watched the movie October Baby for the first time. It can't come to DVD soon enough, by the way. It's been two months since I found all of Dad's family on Facebook. And two months since I made that intial contact to my brother. I still haven't heard anymore from him since he confirmed that he was Dad's son, but maybe one day I will.
It's been about six weeks since I made the very first phone call to Dad. It took a few phone calls before I actually got to speak with him. I have hung on every conversation since then.
It's been exactly one week since I went down the road in my van trying to convince myself of all the reasons I SHOULDN'T be doing this. I finally arrived at my destination and spent the next hour trying to calm myself down. Then he walked out of his car. In an instant my whole world changed. I knew my life would change, but I never expected it to change like this. I still haven't been able to contact him again. He works on the farm a lot when he's not at his job. I have had several conversations with the women in his life. It is so interesting to find out so much about him.
It is so hard to believe that this whirlwind of a week is coming to a close. I am still in awe of God's mercies and his timing. By all accounts none of this should've happened. Finding him was a huge long shot, one that I had been searching for endlessly without result. Dad has health problems that should've kept this dream of mine from ever becoming reality. Finding him was the "easy" part. Then there is all the heart issues to consider for 7+ people. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 NKJV
Through the years I have spent a lot of time dreaming about what would happen when this time came. Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine things turning out so well. I am very excited to see what the future holds. I look forward to growing closer and getting to know each other.
I love you, Dad. I am so thankful that God chose you to be my Dad. I am thankful that after all these years that you welcomed me into your life. You will never know how much I missed you all those years or the healing that has taken place in my heart since then.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Saturday, May 26, 2012
The Day That Started Wrong
Last night I called Dad. He wasn't home, though. I spent the next 2 hours talking with and listening to my stepmom. I have a couple unspoken prayer requests for them. Please keep them in your prayers. She is a really sweet, tell-it-like-it-is lady. I left this conversation knowing more about Dad, my step-mom and my siblings. I had the opportunity to really get to heart issues with her as well. The overwhelming love she showed was unthinkable. She told me that she felt that if I was Dad's daughter then I was hers also. She understands how much I love Mama and would never try to take her place. It wasn't that at all. She was simply telling me that she loved me like a daughter.
Yesterday started out pretty bad. Life was great, but I just couldn't shake this negative, indecisive feeling. I finally left for the gym in the afternoon and came out feeling so much better. I am excited to return today. I feel better when I go to the gym every day. It didn't hurt that I got a nice surprise when I stepped on the scales either!
This morning has been great also. I am excited to face the day!! Life is great and getting better. ;-)
Yesterday started out pretty bad. Life was great, but I just couldn't shake this negative, indecisive feeling. I finally left for the gym in the afternoon and came out feeling so much better. I am excited to return today. I feel better when I go to the gym every day. It didn't hurt that I got a nice surprise when I stepped on the scales either!
This morning has been great also. I am excited to face the day!! Life is great and getting better. ;-)
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the
Lord your God
is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9b (NKJV)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Friday, May 25, 2012
Joy
Looking back over the past week, I am truly amazed at how much my life has changed. I can only describe it as awesome. I stand in awe of all that God has done in my life in such a short amount of time. Three months ago, this was nothing more than a dream. My dreams are now becoming a reality.
So let's talk about this for a moment. What happens when God administers healing and restoration to an area in your life? I knew that life would change when I was sitting in the van waiting to see that vehicle pull up. I figured that this was simply out of obligation and that nothing more would happen past that. When they say it's always darkest before dawn, they aren't kidding! I was driving myself into an emotional train wreck. Satan DID NOT want this meeting to take place. He kept trying to convince me to run but I refused.
The meeting was far beyond what I could've ever imagine. I wish I had been able to say more, but that just isn't who I am. I am shy when I first meet new people. I also didn't want to scare Dad off. I wish we had more time together, but I so blessed by the small amount of time we did have.
The changes didn't stop there, though. I brought them home with me. The love I have always desired to have for my father bloomed and continues to grow. The relationship with my kids is stronger.
The relationship I have with my husband has changed dramatically. We love more. We love deeper. We love less selfishly. There was a time in our relationship where John was everything to me. He was my best friend. He was my sanctuary. He was my safe place. He was my hero. No matter what happened in our lives, he was still there with arms wide open to love away the hurt. Somewhere along the way we lost that. I don't know if it was illness and caring for my mom; if it was fertility issues and miscarriages; if it was our journey through foster care and adoption; or what it was. All I know is that we'd lost our way. Too many stressful situations. Too many issues vying for our attention. I became so drained that I stopped feeding his needs and over time he stopped being able to meet my needs because he was so drained. We have spent the last week making up for all of the time we've wasted. I have peace about where we are now.
My views about myself have changed. I have been smiling more. I am happy. For the first time in my life I know what joy feels like. Those two are NOT the same either. Happiness requires that life remain perfect in order for life to be good. Kirk Franklin said it best when he said "I don't want you to just be happy because then you have to have something to be happy with. I want you to have joy, because no one can take that away." I have become excited about my weight loss journey again.
One thing that I have found through this experience is that when God brings healing, it doesn't stay in one place. It ebbs and flows to all the areas of your life. When Jesus passes by everything changes. I have witnessed a miracle and it just keeps giving.
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9b (NKJV)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Thursday, May 24, 2012
A New Day
Yesterday was such a hard, emotional day. I had an appointment to have family photos taken. It was time for new ones. I also wanted to get some taken to go along with my Dad's (saying that feels weird and awesome all at the same time) Father's Day present. We always use PictureMe for our pictures. In the 10 years we've them, I have only had a couple times when I wasn't happy with the shots. Yesterday, we walked in to find that our favorite photographer was gone. I suspected that would be coming soon because she was starting to do some stuff on the side. Now I am kicking myself for not getting her number. I knew things would be wild, but this woman seriously had no business taking pictures of ANYONE. They were totally horrible. There was not ONE pose that was worth keeping. We spent over an hour there. I felt bad because she had spent so much time with us, but I wasn't about to pay for the pictures she had taken. I walked out without buying anything. She kept trying to get me to keep a few and reschedule another session. My kids were tired and over it at that point.
I was so upset last night because we weren't able to get good pictures. I always use PM because I can get a CD of everything and have great pictures to load online. I wasn't looking forward to going anywhere else. John, being the awesome husband he is, spent a lot of time looking up a solution for me. He found a location in Kentucky. Yes, I would've driven to Kentucky for pictures. It meant that much to me. Thankfully, I found a location in Knoxville. I hesitated to make an appointment because I didn't want a repeat of yesterday. I took the plunge and now I am glad I did. We had gorgeous family photos taken. I spent WAY too much money on them, but I wanted to make sure I had enough for everyone that would want some. Adding new family members means more pictures. Before I only had 3 siblings that wanted pictures and only 2 of them who really cared about more than one pose so it was pretty simple. This time I wanted to make sure I had plenty. (Side note: For those who are friends with me on facebook, the pictures are loaded there.) I got one gorgeous set that I will have framed as part of Dad's Father's Day present. It's going to be awesome.
Speaking of Dad's Father's Day present, I went to the Christian book store to find a new CD for the van. While I was there I found the rest of Dad's present. I will refrain from describing it here just in case anyone who knows him may read here, but I was very impressed. I hope he likes it. It is hard to shop for him because I simply haven't had the chance to get to know enough about him, yet. I also put a lot of pressure on myself because this was the first one we would celebrate together. I was pleased with what I chose though. I think he'll like it. I hope so, anyway.
My husband has taken over doing our lawn this year so today, I picked up part of his Father's Day present as well. He got his gift early, though. I am getting him a used riding lawn mower, but parts of our yard he can't do with a riding mower so I purchased him a nice push mower and a weed eater. He will also inherit my old computer as soon as my new one arrives.
In the midst of all of this, we went to lunch at Chili's today. I love their grilled chicken and steamed broccoli. I was given the opportunity to bless someone else. Giving back to others makes me feels so good. In fact, my oldest was with me when this happened. We had a nice discussion why we are put on this earth. He told me that he believes God put him here to help others. He has his moments were he is totally a typical 7 year old who is all about himself and down right rude. Most of the time, though, he is so kind and considerate. He is wise beyond his years. He would do anything to help another person. He will donate his allowance to sick kids. He tells me all the time that he wants to make gifts for the children's shelter. He teaches me so much about life and what God expects of us. I am so blessed.
Yesterday, was so hard because it was the first bad day since meeting Dad. I had been on Cloud 9 ever since. I know that this relationship isn't the answer to all of my problems, but it was just a hard blow going from so many good days to a completely no good day. God's mercies are new every morning, though. I am so thankful for that.
I was going to try to make it back to the gym tonight, but it's late enough now that I am not sure I will make it. If I do, it will be a late night trip. I will definitely be heading back in the morning, though. I have missed the hot tub and long, quiet (oh the quiet) showers. I am even starting to miss The Beast. Wow, I really have changed a lot in the last 5 months. ;-)
I pray that you realize how blessed you are. Just think of all of the blessings we miss because they don't come wrapped up in neat little packages the way we expect them to be. I pray that as I grow in Christ that I lose the infantile mentality that keeps me from blessings just because my prayers aren't answered the way I want them to be.
I was so upset last night because we weren't able to get good pictures. I always use PM because I can get a CD of everything and have great pictures to load online. I wasn't looking forward to going anywhere else. John, being the awesome husband he is, spent a lot of time looking up a solution for me. He found a location in Kentucky. Yes, I would've driven to Kentucky for pictures. It meant that much to me. Thankfully, I found a location in Knoxville. I hesitated to make an appointment because I didn't want a repeat of yesterday. I took the plunge and now I am glad I did. We had gorgeous family photos taken. I spent WAY too much money on them, but I wanted to make sure I had enough for everyone that would want some. Adding new family members means more pictures. Before I only had 3 siblings that wanted pictures and only 2 of them who really cared about more than one pose so it was pretty simple. This time I wanted to make sure I had plenty. (Side note: For those who are friends with me on facebook, the pictures are loaded there.) I got one gorgeous set that I will have framed as part of Dad's Father's Day present. It's going to be awesome.
Speaking of Dad's Father's Day present, I went to the Christian book store to find a new CD for the van. While I was there I found the rest of Dad's present. I will refrain from describing it here just in case anyone who knows him may read here, but I was very impressed. I hope he likes it. It is hard to shop for him because I simply haven't had the chance to get to know enough about him, yet. I also put a lot of pressure on myself because this was the first one we would celebrate together. I was pleased with what I chose though. I think he'll like it. I hope so, anyway.
My husband has taken over doing our lawn this year so today, I picked up part of his Father's Day present as well. He got his gift early, though. I am getting him a used riding lawn mower, but parts of our yard he can't do with a riding mower so I purchased him a nice push mower and a weed eater. He will also inherit my old computer as soon as my new one arrives.
In the midst of all of this, we went to lunch at Chili's today. I love their grilled chicken and steamed broccoli. I was given the opportunity to bless someone else. Giving back to others makes me feels so good. In fact, my oldest was with me when this happened. We had a nice discussion why we are put on this earth. He told me that he believes God put him here to help others. He has his moments were he is totally a typical 7 year old who is all about himself and down right rude. Most of the time, though, he is so kind and considerate. He is wise beyond his years. He would do anything to help another person. He will donate his allowance to sick kids. He tells me all the time that he wants to make gifts for the children's shelter. He teaches me so much about life and what God expects of us. I am so blessed.
Yesterday, was so hard because it was the first bad day since meeting Dad. I had been on Cloud 9 ever since. I know that this relationship isn't the answer to all of my problems, but it was just a hard blow going from so many good days to a completely no good day. God's mercies are new every morning, though. I am so thankful for that.
I was going to try to make it back to the gym tonight, but it's late enough now that I am not sure I will make it. If I do, it will be a late night trip. I will definitely be heading back in the morning, though. I have missed the hot tub and long, quiet (oh the quiet) showers. I am even starting to miss The Beast. Wow, I really have changed a lot in the last 5 months. ;-)
I pray that you realize how blessed you are. Just think of all of the blessings we miss because they don't come wrapped up in neat little packages the way we expect them to be. I pray that as I grow in Christ that I lose the infantile mentality that keeps me from blessings just because my prayers aren't answered the way I want them to be.
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the
Lord your God
is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9b (NKJV)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Twists and Turns
Side note: I am doing my best to protect the privacy of my new family while remaining true to honest blogging. I don't want to use their names here to respect their privacy.
My life has taken interesting twists and turns lately. What I am finding interesting is how I am dealing with it all. Usually when anything really emotional happens in my life I turn to food. It's something I still struggle with. Right now though, during one of the most emotional times of my life, that is far from the truth. The other night we went out for Japanese. Where I would normally eat everything on my plate, I ended up having about half of it left. Yesterday, while we were at the mall I had a pretzel and a half. For dinner I had a salad and a half piece of fish. While I am enjoying this new turn of events, I know I did not getting enough calories yesterday. My appetite is just gone. I got a very interesting surprise this week. Monday while we were at the mall John bought me a temporary wedding ring to wear until I can get my old ones sized. I haven't had a ring on my finger since the day they fell off in the shower. I went into Kay's Jewelers and looked at rings. When I found one we had my finger sized. In 2003, when we bought my wedding set, my rings were sized at 11. Last year my fingers would get so swollen that I couldn't get them off. When she asked me what size I needed I told her that I would probably wear a 10. She looked at me like I had 4 heads and said there was no way. When all was said and done I left the store with the biggest smile on my face. I now wear a size 8.5. I could almost fit in the 8 but I wanted to make sure I didn't get it too tight. Score!!! I have never worn a size that small.
I have been struggling with fear so much lately. As I sat waiting for Dad to show up on Sunday, so many things went through my mind. Here I was, minutes from changing my life forever, and all I could think about was turning around and running in the opposite direction. Obviously, I stayed and it was wonderful. None of the things I had worried about had come true. Yesterday, I faced another fear. One of my sister's had given me her phone number and the number for our other sister. I went to Wal-mart to get outfits for our pictures. I had decided I was going to call Dad and my sisters when I came out. I changed my mind about calling Dad. I want to make sure I give him enough time to process things. I called the sister I hadn't spoken with first. She didn't answer so I left a message telling her who I was and that I just wanted to take a moment to talk and introduce myself.
Then I called the other sister. This is the sister I met Sunday. I wanted to make sure that she didn't mistake my quietness for rudeness. She assured me that she didn't feel that way at all. I shared my heart about some of the emotions and fears I had before I contacted Dad. My intentions were never to hurt anyone. I had been so afraid that would happen. I was never niave enough to believe that I would have a prodigal experience. I knew there would be emotions that everyone would have to deal with. Once I got past the fears of how Dad would react, my next concern was that of my new siblings. This was almost enough to keep me from contacting him at all. Sis agreed with me that we all had things to process, but then she reminded me of something Dad had said about all of it and it made me feel so much better.
I was never sure what to expect when I met everyone. I can tell you, this wasn't at all what I expected. I have never met a group of people who have shown the love of Christ more than these people have. There are so many reasons why they could've, should've, would've turned me away. There are so many reasons that hurt and anger could've reigned over this situation. They haven't shown me ANYTHING except grace. Dad was honest with me and said he wasn't sure how to do this, but neither I am. He had every right to be angry with me for turning his life upside down, but he didn't. His wife and my siblings could've done the same thing, but they have been so kind. I can tell you this would've turned out far differently if they weren't Christians.
As parents, we spend our lives praying that we've done right by our kids. As Christian parents, we do our best and pray that it is enough. Dad has every reason to be proud of the job he has done with his oldest children. They speak more of HIS CHARACTER than any words ever could. If I can raise my children as well as my parents raised their kids then I will do a fantastic job.
My life has taken interesting twists and turns lately. What I am finding interesting is how I am dealing with it all. Usually when anything really emotional happens in my life I turn to food. It's something I still struggle with. Right now though, during one of the most emotional times of my life, that is far from the truth. The other night we went out for Japanese. Where I would normally eat everything on my plate, I ended up having about half of it left. Yesterday, while we were at the mall I had a pretzel and a half. For dinner I had a salad and a half piece of fish. While I am enjoying this new turn of events, I know I did not getting enough calories yesterday. My appetite is just gone. I got a very interesting surprise this week. Monday while we were at the mall John bought me a temporary wedding ring to wear until I can get my old ones sized. I haven't had a ring on my finger since the day they fell off in the shower. I went into Kay's Jewelers and looked at rings. When I found one we had my finger sized. In 2003, when we bought my wedding set, my rings were sized at 11. Last year my fingers would get so swollen that I couldn't get them off. When she asked me what size I needed I told her that I would probably wear a 10. She looked at me like I had 4 heads and said there was no way. When all was said and done I left the store with the biggest smile on my face. I now wear a size 8.5. I could almost fit in the 8 but I wanted to make sure I didn't get it too tight. Score!!! I have never worn a size that small.
I have been struggling with fear so much lately. As I sat waiting for Dad to show up on Sunday, so many things went through my mind. Here I was, minutes from changing my life forever, and all I could think about was turning around and running in the opposite direction. Obviously, I stayed and it was wonderful. None of the things I had worried about had come true. Yesterday, I faced another fear. One of my sister's had given me her phone number and the number for our other sister. I went to Wal-mart to get outfits for our pictures. I had decided I was going to call Dad and my sisters when I came out. I changed my mind about calling Dad. I want to make sure I give him enough time to process things. I called the sister I hadn't spoken with first. She didn't answer so I left a message telling her who I was and that I just wanted to take a moment to talk and introduce myself.
Then I called the other sister. This is the sister I met Sunday. I wanted to make sure that she didn't mistake my quietness for rudeness. She assured me that she didn't feel that way at all. I shared my heart about some of the emotions and fears I had before I contacted Dad. My intentions were never to hurt anyone. I had been so afraid that would happen. I was never niave enough to believe that I would have a prodigal experience. I knew there would be emotions that everyone would have to deal with. Once I got past the fears of how Dad would react, my next concern was that of my new siblings. This was almost enough to keep me from contacting him at all. Sis agreed with me that we all had things to process, but then she reminded me of something Dad had said about all of it and it made me feel so much better.
I was never sure what to expect when I met everyone. I can tell you, this wasn't at all what I expected. I have never met a group of people who have shown the love of Christ more than these people have. There are so many reasons why they could've, should've, would've turned me away. There are so many reasons that hurt and anger could've reigned over this situation. They haven't shown me ANYTHING except grace. Dad was honest with me and said he wasn't sure how to do this, but neither I am. He had every right to be angry with me for turning his life upside down, but he didn't. His wife and my siblings could've done the same thing, but they have been so kind. I can tell you this would've turned out far differently if they weren't Christians.
As parents, we spend our lives praying that we've done right by our kids. As Christian parents, we do our best and pray that it is enough. Dad has every reason to be proud of the job he has done with his oldest children. They speak more of HIS CHARACTER than any words ever could. If I can raise my children as well as my parents raised their kids then I will do a fantastic job.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
A Parent's Unselfish Love
I am writing this at 4:49 AM. I have already been up an hour. What is up with this? About a month ago (maybe longer) I ended up not sleeping at all one night and have had problems sleeping at night since then. This mama normally has no problems sleeping whatsoever. I will say that it's given me plenty of time to think.
I have had such a whirlwind couple of days. I have spent a lot of time thinking over the past. I am so thankful that my mother chose the high road where I was concerned. These days you see women who are more than willing to rip their ex's/ children's fathers to shreds with no thought of what it does to their child. Men are the same way. My Mama never said bad things about my Daddy. The subject of Dad never really came up unless I brought it up, but when it did she always said she hoped that I would be able to meet him one day if that was what I wanted. The flip side of this, I expected that I would her bad things about Mama when I met Daddy. That couldn't have been further from the truth. He was very surprised to hear she had passed away. He was apologetic. I am so thankful that he, too, has chosen the high road. Mom was my best friend. I know that she wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for me. We all have pasts and we all make mistakes, but I know every choice she made was out of love for me.
I have been floating in the clouds since meeting my Dad. All of these years I have envisioned what meeting him would be like. I knew when I started this journey to a new me that I would eventually be facing this issue. Never in my wildest dreams, did I envision this. I pictured trying to find peace with what happened and moving on with my life. As I sat in the van waiting for him to arrive Sunday, I envisioned every single way things could've went wrong. Then he pulled in and I seen him. All of a sudden this peace washed over me. All of the fear, alright most of the fear, washed away. This man stepped outside of his comfort zone and welcomed me into his life so I could find peace and healing. I will forever feel gratitude to him because of this.
Month 5 of my journey has held the most change for me so far. There is an enormous weight that has been lifted from my heart. This weight won't show on the scales, but it's been the most important "weight loss." My life has been changed forever.
I find myself constantly amazed and in awe of everything that has happened. God's perfect timing is one thing that still leaves me scratching my head. I struggled for so long with trying to find Dad. When the time was right, God orchestrated everything to flow so smoothly. I think of all of the people out there searching for their birth parents who never find them. I think of my own children who will one day make the choice of finding their birth parents or not. More than once I have asked God "Why me?" What did I do to deserve this happy beginning? What did I do to deserve parents who loved me enough to put my needs ahead of their own? God loved me so much that He was willing to move on my behalf.
Last night, I shared those feelings with my husband. For those of you who know me, things DO NOT come easy for me. I have had to fight for everything I have. I love my husband with all of my heart, but we never had that fairytale romance. We've had our share of problems, but we always work through them as they come along. I had to fight to get my kids. Fertility problems that has led me to have to say good-bye far too early to over half of my children. Adoptions that caused me to fight for my babies from the moment they were placed in my arms. Everything I have is because I fought to have it. This is reason why God's love for me is so hard to comprehend. It is given freely with no strings attached. I am so thankful for the stubborn, never quit attitude that was given to me by my Mom, and probably Dad too. It has made me who I am.
Now, I find myself trying to figure out how to navigate the days ahead. Everything is still so surreal. I don't know how to start a parent/child relationship when that child is an adult. I am also trying to find balance. I want to give space, but not so much that it seems like I don't care. Where is the balance? No one knows. Neither of us have ever been in this position and we will just have to find what works for us.
God, I stand in awe of Your love for me. I feel so unworthy of the blessings that You've given me. Thank you for this miracle. Please give me wisdom as we all move forward. Give me the right words to speak. Give all of us peace as we begin to navigate this new part of our journey. I am so grateful for my parents. Thank You for picking the best ones for me. Thank You for their sacrafice, and their unselfish love for me. Thank You for healing and restoration. Amen
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9b (NKJV)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
I have had such a whirlwind couple of days. I have spent a lot of time thinking over the past. I am so thankful that my mother chose the high road where I was concerned. These days you see women who are more than willing to rip their ex's/ children's fathers to shreds with no thought of what it does to their child. Men are the same way. My Mama never said bad things about my Daddy. The subject of Dad never really came up unless I brought it up, but when it did she always said she hoped that I would be able to meet him one day if that was what I wanted. The flip side of this, I expected that I would her bad things about Mama when I met Daddy. That couldn't have been further from the truth. He was very surprised to hear she had passed away. He was apologetic. I am so thankful that he, too, has chosen the high road. Mom was my best friend. I know that she wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for me. We all have pasts and we all make mistakes, but I know every choice she made was out of love for me.
I have been floating in the clouds since meeting my Dad. All of these years I have envisioned what meeting him would be like. I knew when I started this journey to a new me that I would eventually be facing this issue. Never in my wildest dreams, did I envision this. I pictured trying to find peace with what happened and moving on with my life. As I sat in the van waiting for him to arrive Sunday, I envisioned every single way things could've went wrong. Then he pulled in and I seen him. All of a sudden this peace washed over me. All of the fear, alright most of the fear, washed away. This man stepped outside of his comfort zone and welcomed me into his life so I could find peace and healing. I will forever feel gratitude to him because of this.
Month 5 of my journey has held the most change for me so far. There is an enormous weight that has been lifted from my heart. This weight won't show on the scales, but it's been the most important "weight loss." My life has been changed forever.
I find myself constantly amazed and in awe of everything that has happened. God's perfect timing is one thing that still leaves me scratching my head. I struggled for so long with trying to find Dad. When the time was right, God orchestrated everything to flow so smoothly. I think of all of the people out there searching for their birth parents who never find them. I think of my own children who will one day make the choice of finding their birth parents or not. More than once I have asked God "Why me?" What did I do to deserve this happy beginning? What did I do to deserve parents who loved me enough to put my needs ahead of their own? God loved me so much that He was willing to move on my behalf.
Last night, I shared those feelings with my husband. For those of you who know me, things DO NOT come easy for me. I have had to fight for everything I have. I love my husband with all of my heart, but we never had that fairytale romance. We've had our share of problems, but we always work through them as they come along. I had to fight to get my kids. Fertility problems that has led me to have to say good-bye far too early to over half of my children. Adoptions that caused me to fight for my babies from the moment they were placed in my arms. Everything I have is because I fought to have it. This is reason why God's love for me is so hard to comprehend. It is given freely with no strings attached. I am so thankful for the stubborn, never quit attitude that was given to me by my Mom, and probably Dad too. It has made me who I am.
Now, I find myself trying to figure out how to navigate the days ahead. Everything is still so surreal. I don't know how to start a parent/child relationship when that child is an adult. I am also trying to find balance. I want to give space, but not so much that it seems like I don't care. Where is the balance? No one knows. Neither of us have ever been in this position and we will just have to find what works for us.
God, I stand in awe of Your love for me. I feel so unworthy of the blessings that You've given me. Thank you for this miracle. Please give me wisdom as we all move forward. Give me the right words to speak. Give all of us peace as we begin to navigate this new part of our journey. I am so grateful for my parents. Thank You for picking the best ones for me. Thank You for their sacrafice, and their unselfish love for me. Thank You for healing and restoration. Amen
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9b (NKJV)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A Miracle In The Making
Oh where to start this post. Let's go back for a moment. Over the years I had always wondered about my Dad. I knew his name, where he worked, his wife's name and his oldest son's name. I knew he had 4 kids before I was born. The cool thing was that I made # 5 for both mom and dad. I really wanted to meet him, but I never wanted to do anything that would hurt mom or make her think that I was trying to say she didn't do a good job raising me. Years went by. I attempted to reach out right before my wedding, hoping that one day he'd want a relationship with me and would regret missing this. God had other plans though. Years went by and I still wondered where I came from. When we got involved in foster care, again this stirring in my soul rose and I wanted to find my Dad. As I fell in love with my children, again I wondered. I can say that I don't think there's been a day that's went by in the last 4 years that I haven't thought about and wondered what he was doing. When Mom passed away the stirring intensified. For the first time I felt like I could search without feeling guilty. The problem with this was that my fountain of information was no longer here. I took the minimal information I had and searched. I would search until it became too painful to continue. Then, I would put it out of my mind again.
Throughout the years I have had a sea of emotions. I wanted to meet my dad to build a relationship with him. I wanted to meet my siblings. At the same time I wondered why he had chosen to be a part of their lives and not mine. That led to feelings of shame and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be his daughter. I felt like there was something wrong with me or that I was unloveable. When I would share these feelings with a couple of close friends, their response was always the same, "His choices had nothing to do with you. You are a great person." Their words were kind and I should've taken heed of them, but I still couldn't resist the urge to question why.
A couple months ago I seen a preview for a movie called October Baby. I thought it looked like a nice Christian movie that I would one day like to see. Then a dear friend of mine e-mailed me about the movie and was asking everyone to try to see it opening weekend. I decided I would go see it. I couldn't find anyone to go see it with me so I made plans for John to stay home with the kids and I went to see it by myself. Let me make this clear, I had no real clue what this movie was about. I was simply going to see it to support Christian media.
I arrived at the movie and the theater was packed. I like to have a couple chairs free around me when I go, but there were so many people there this stranger set right next to me. I remember thinking that I should've waited to come when it would be less crowded. Then the movie started. There might have been 5-10 minutes of the whole movie that my eyes weren't filled with tears. The movie is about this girl who finds out that her birth mother tried to abort her while she was in the womb. The main character is the product of a failed abortion. The movie takes you through the emotional journey of her finding out she was adopted, then searching for her birth mom, finding her and getting rejected by her birth mom. The story is one of healing and forgiveness. I cried like a baby. Again, those feelings begin to resurface.
After the movie, I walked to the van and just prayed that God would open the doors for me to one day meet my dad. I asked God to work on his heart to make him receptive to me. One of the biggest concerns wasn't so much for his heart, or even mine. The hearts of my siblings were all I could think about. What would this to do them? How would they feel? If I were in their shoes how would I feel? At this point I still couldn't drive. I felt so shakey, if I'd driven home I would've had an accident. After sitting there and pouring out my heart to God for what seemed like an eternity, I felt God speak to me and tell me to go home and start searching again. God, I have done that before. I don't have the info to find him. The urging of the Holy Spirit continued to minister to my heart. My parents were both older (for the time I was born) when they had me. Losing Mom so early in my life made me realize just how fleeting life is. Despite the potential heart break, I knew I didn't want to spend the next 50-60 years with unanswered questions. I didn't want to wait until my only option of seeing him was to stand over his casket, knowing I could never have the answers because I was too afraid to go after them.
I got home and started searching again. I was certain I was about to do nothing more than break my heart. I searched for Dad....nothing....The brother, nope. Nothing there either. I went through pages of results and was finding nothing I considered useful. I had a constant conversation going on with God during these moments. Lord, you told me to do this so I will obey you. (Yes, I did.) When I started the next search for my brother and found nothing I said, God you know that I don't want to get my heart broken. (Yes, child. Keep going). Then I searched for the wife. At this point, I am so grateful that God, my Heavenly Father and Creator, holds me in His hands and understands my heart far better than I do. To anyone else I would've looked incredibly rude. It took a couple pages to find his wife. I was half-way down page 3 when I stopped and told God "This isn't funny. Why are you allowing me to experience so much pain. I will NEVER find him!" Then I stumbled on the words that made me new it was her. She had retired from the prison they (mom, dad and wife) had all worked at. I opened her profile and was greeted by all kinds of scripture. There were no pictures, though. I searched through her friends list. I searched for Dad and nothing. Then I searched for brother again. Nothing. This time I searched for his last name....Then it appeared, my brother's name. I clicked on his profile. I seen a picture of him and his wife on his wedding day. I sat there dumbfounded for the longest time. Then I looked through his relationships list. I seen two women listed as sisters. One whose maiden name was listed. Then I seen the other brother listed on one of their profiles. I was unsure how everyone fell. The same night I worked up the courage to contact the brother. He confirmed I had the right person, but I never heard from him after that. I think I contacted one of the sisters but never heard anything from her.
I was talking to a friend of mine who offered to help me search. I gave her the info I had and within 5 minutes she started sending me info. She sent me a link to an obituary for my uncle who had passed away in January. I was in tears over this info, sad I wouldn't get to meet him, but thrilled because I was one step closer. As I sat there flooded with emotion she sends me another message with an address and a phone number. Could this really be true???? I sat with the info for nearly a week before I called. I called on Friday evening after I drove to the gym, but there was no answer. I called the next day, but again there was no answer. I called back midday on Monday and finally B (wife) answered. I asked for Dad and she told me he was at work and wanted to know who I was. I figured if I told her that he'd never call me back so I told her I needed to speak to him directly and asked when would be a good time to call back. She told me and so I called back. I didn't get the warm welcome I had hoped for, but I didn't really expect that either. He asked for a month to think about things and asked me to call again. When I made that second phone call to him, I tried to remain grounded. I was scared he'd decided that he didn't wish to pursue a relationship with me. The answer I got was quite the opposite. He said he would meet with me and we made plans for me to call him at a later time to set up a meeting.
That meeting happened today. I got there an hour early. I waited and with each passing moment I felt like I was going to throw up. What if he didn't like me? What if this was the only time I'd ever see him. What if he didn't want to see me again? I worked myself into a needless stress headache. As I sat there 2:20 came. 2:26...2:30...He wasn't there. I was so sure he wasn't coming. I had my own little emotional hell on earth going on. No matter how bad I'd like to deny it, I have always desired the approval of my Dad. I have always wanted to know that he would be proud of the woman I've become. I have always been a stand-on-my-own-two-feet kind of person so this has been so hard for me.
He showed up only a couple minutes late. He brought his wife and one of his daughters with him. In a way I am glad he did. Most of you won't believe this, but I am actually quite shy when I meet new people. We all talked for nearly an hour. I listened more than I talked, because I was in awe of what was really happening. I felt like I was on the outside looking in and watching this beautiful thing come to pass. All of the dreams, prayers, hopes that I had all these years were playing out right before my eyes. I asked him if he was mad that I contacted him and he told me no. We talked about my 3 other siblings that weren't with him. We talked about some medical history stuff. As I listened to his voice I found myself wanting to capture everything that was happening in this moment. All of the questions I had didn't matter one little bit. All of the hurt, the fear, was gone. Then I showed him pictures of the kids. Then he asked if he could have a picture taken with me. This was a huge thing for me because I was hoping I could get one with him but unsure how to ask for one. My sister took a couple of pictures with my camera and then she took some with her own. It meant more than I could ever express to you to know that he cared enough to want a picture taken with me. Before he left he hugged me and told me to call him any time. I assured him that offer went both ways. He told me we could get together for dinner sometime in the near future if I wanted to. Then we all go into our vehicles and left.
I am so thankful that God has brought this man into my life. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me and continued to urge my heart when it wanted to quit. I am in awe how things played out. My search for him this time was no different than all the other times. The difference was that this was God's timing. Everything, while emotionally charged, came so easy. The last couple months have been one major emotional roller coaster, but every tear shed, every ounce of emotion was all worth it. I would do it all a million times over. I look forward to seeing Dad again and getting to know more about him. I look forward to eventually meeting more of my new family and building relationships with them. All of that will take time though.
One thing that I have learned from all of this is that God can bring healing to the most broken places. The past is the past for a reason. Is my father a perfect person? No, but neither am I. We all make mistakes. The questions are still there, but they are no longer important. Perhaps one day we will come to a point where he feels comfortable sharing more with me, but until the day comes that he does (if ever), I am just content in this moment. I am awe struck. I have a Daddy. One who cared enough to meet me. One who cared enough to want a picture with me. One who cared enough to embrace me and give me a hug. Today, he didn't slam the door in my face. He showed me love in the only way he knew how. I am so blessed.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Throughout the years I have had a sea of emotions. I wanted to meet my dad to build a relationship with him. I wanted to meet my siblings. At the same time I wondered why he had chosen to be a part of their lives and not mine. That led to feelings of shame and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be his daughter. I felt like there was something wrong with me or that I was unloveable. When I would share these feelings with a couple of close friends, their response was always the same, "His choices had nothing to do with you. You are a great person." Their words were kind and I should've taken heed of them, but I still couldn't resist the urge to question why.
A couple months ago I seen a preview for a movie called October Baby. I thought it looked like a nice Christian movie that I would one day like to see. Then a dear friend of mine e-mailed me about the movie and was asking everyone to try to see it opening weekend. I decided I would go see it. I couldn't find anyone to go see it with me so I made plans for John to stay home with the kids and I went to see it by myself. Let me make this clear, I had no real clue what this movie was about. I was simply going to see it to support Christian media.
I arrived at the movie and the theater was packed. I like to have a couple chairs free around me when I go, but there were so many people there this stranger set right next to me. I remember thinking that I should've waited to come when it would be less crowded. Then the movie started. There might have been 5-10 minutes of the whole movie that my eyes weren't filled with tears. The movie is about this girl who finds out that her birth mother tried to abort her while she was in the womb. The main character is the product of a failed abortion. The movie takes you through the emotional journey of her finding out she was adopted, then searching for her birth mom, finding her and getting rejected by her birth mom. The story is one of healing and forgiveness. I cried like a baby. Again, those feelings begin to resurface.
After the movie, I walked to the van and just prayed that God would open the doors for me to one day meet my dad. I asked God to work on his heart to make him receptive to me. One of the biggest concerns wasn't so much for his heart, or even mine. The hearts of my siblings were all I could think about. What would this to do them? How would they feel? If I were in their shoes how would I feel? At this point I still couldn't drive. I felt so shakey, if I'd driven home I would've had an accident. After sitting there and pouring out my heart to God for what seemed like an eternity, I felt God speak to me and tell me to go home and start searching again. God, I have done that before. I don't have the info to find him. The urging of the Holy Spirit continued to minister to my heart. My parents were both older (for the time I was born) when they had me. Losing Mom so early in my life made me realize just how fleeting life is. Despite the potential heart break, I knew I didn't want to spend the next 50-60 years with unanswered questions. I didn't want to wait until my only option of seeing him was to stand over his casket, knowing I could never have the answers because I was too afraid to go after them.
I got home and started searching again. I was certain I was about to do nothing more than break my heart. I searched for Dad....nothing....The brother, nope. Nothing there either. I went through pages of results and was finding nothing I considered useful. I had a constant conversation going on with God during these moments. Lord, you told me to do this so I will obey you. (Yes, I did.) When I started the next search for my brother and found nothing I said, God you know that I don't want to get my heart broken. (Yes, child. Keep going). Then I searched for the wife. At this point, I am so grateful that God, my Heavenly Father and Creator, holds me in His hands and understands my heart far better than I do. To anyone else I would've looked incredibly rude. It took a couple pages to find his wife. I was half-way down page 3 when I stopped and told God "This isn't funny. Why are you allowing me to experience so much pain. I will NEVER find him!" Then I stumbled on the words that made me new it was her. She had retired from the prison they (mom, dad and wife) had all worked at. I opened her profile and was greeted by all kinds of scripture. There were no pictures, though. I searched through her friends list. I searched for Dad and nothing. Then I searched for brother again. Nothing. This time I searched for his last name....Then it appeared, my brother's name. I clicked on his profile. I seen a picture of him and his wife on his wedding day. I sat there dumbfounded for the longest time. Then I looked through his relationships list. I seen two women listed as sisters. One whose maiden name was listed. Then I seen the other brother listed on one of their profiles. I was unsure how everyone fell. The same night I worked up the courage to contact the brother. He confirmed I had the right person, but I never heard from him after that. I think I contacted one of the sisters but never heard anything from her.
I was talking to a friend of mine who offered to help me search. I gave her the info I had and within 5 minutes she started sending me info. She sent me a link to an obituary for my uncle who had passed away in January. I was in tears over this info, sad I wouldn't get to meet him, but thrilled because I was one step closer. As I sat there flooded with emotion she sends me another message with an address and a phone number. Could this really be true???? I sat with the info for nearly a week before I called. I called on Friday evening after I drove to the gym, but there was no answer. I called the next day, but again there was no answer. I called back midday on Monday and finally B (wife) answered. I asked for Dad and she told me he was at work and wanted to know who I was. I figured if I told her that he'd never call me back so I told her I needed to speak to him directly and asked when would be a good time to call back. She told me and so I called back. I didn't get the warm welcome I had hoped for, but I didn't really expect that either. He asked for a month to think about things and asked me to call again. When I made that second phone call to him, I tried to remain grounded. I was scared he'd decided that he didn't wish to pursue a relationship with me. The answer I got was quite the opposite. He said he would meet with me and we made plans for me to call him at a later time to set up a meeting.
That meeting happened today. I got there an hour early. I waited and with each passing moment I felt like I was going to throw up. What if he didn't like me? What if this was the only time I'd ever see him. What if he didn't want to see me again? I worked myself into a needless stress headache. As I sat there 2:20 came. 2:26...2:30...He wasn't there. I was so sure he wasn't coming. I had my own little emotional hell on earth going on. No matter how bad I'd like to deny it, I have always desired the approval of my Dad. I have always wanted to know that he would be proud of the woman I've become. I have always been a stand-on-my-own-two-feet kind of person so this has been so hard for me.
He showed up only a couple minutes late. He brought his wife and one of his daughters with him. In a way I am glad he did. Most of you won't believe this, but I am actually quite shy when I meet new people. We all talked for nearly an hour. I listened more than I talked, because I was in awe of what was really happening. I felt like I was on the outside looking in and watching this beautiful thing come to pass. All of the dreams, prayers, hopes that I had all these years were playing out right before my eyes. I asked him if he was mad that I contacted him and he told me no. We talked about my 3 other siblings that weren't with him. We talked about some medical history stuff. As I listened to his voice I found myself wanting to capture everything that was happening in this moment. All of the questions I had didn't matter one little bit. All of the hurt, the fear, was gone. Then I showed him pictures of the kids. Then he asked if he could have a picture taken with me. This was a huge thing for me because I was hoping I could get one with him but unsure how to ask for one. My sister took a couple of pictures with my camera and then she took some with her own. It meant more than I could ever express to you to know that he cared enough to want a picture taken with me. Before he left he hugged me and told me to call him any time. I assured him that offer went both ways. He told me we could get together for dinner sometime in the near future if I wanted to. Then we all go into our vehicles and left.
I am so thankful that God has brought this man into my life. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me and continued to urge my heart when it wanted to quit. I am in awe how things played out. My search for him this time was no different than all the other times. The difference was that this was God's timing. Everything, while emotionally charged, came so easy. The last couple months have been one major emotional roller coaster, but every tear shed, every ounce of emotion was all worth it. I would do it all a million times over. I look forward to seeing Dad again and getting to know more about him. I look forward to eventually meeting more of my new family and building relationships with them. All of that will take time though.
One thing that I have learned from all of this is that God can bring healing to the most broken places. The past is the past for a reason. Is my father a perfect person? No, but neither am I. We all make mistakes. The questions are still there, but they are no longer important. Perhaps one day we will come to a point where he feels comfortable sharing more with me, but until the day comes that he does (if ever), I am just content in this moment. I am awe struck. I have a Daddy. One who cared enough to meet me. One who cared enough to want a picture with me. One who cared enough to embrace me and give me a hug. Today, he didn't slam the door in my face. He showed me love in the only way he knew how. I am so blessed.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Thursday, May 17, 2012
May's Progress Report
It seems weird to be doing this post so early in the month, but I always do it after I go to clinic. This has NOT been a good month for me. I was sick, sick, sick. Then found out we were pregnant and lost Chloe. I bled like I was dying for a week and before that I'd been spotting for another week. I haven't been able to get to the gym like I wanted to. And I could sit here and list a million other excuses. The truth of the matter is that I failed this month. I actually gained a pound instead of losing. The nurse at the clinic acted like it was no big deal. She said it could've been water weight.
While I am disappointed, I won't let it stop me from pressing forward. In addition to my meds and shots, I am now taking T-3. I am hoping this makes a big difference. I am back at the gym, also. I am doing my best to go every day between now and the time we leave for vacation. I am praying that really pays off for me. Because of vacation, I won't be weighing in for 6 weeks instead of the usual 4. I am hoping to bring in really good numbers next time. Anyway, here is my progress chart for month 5.
While I am disappointed, I won't let it stop me from pressing forward. In addition to my meds and shots, I am now taking T-3. I am hoping this makes a big difference. I am back at the gym, also. I am doing my best to go every day between now and the time we leave for vacation. I am praying that really pays off for me. Because of vacation, I won't be weighing in for 6 weeks instead of the usual 4. I am hoping to bring in really good numbers next time. Anyway, here is my progress chart for month 5.
Date: May 16, 2012
Weight: 299 (+1 pound)
Resting Heart Rate (See below for instructions): 80
Circumference Measurements (See below for instructions):
Neck: 17 inches
Waist: 60 inches
Hips: 61 inches
Thigh: 49.5 inces
Chest: 51 inches
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Weight: 299 (+1 pound)
Resting Heart Rate (See below for instructions): 80
Circumference Measurements (See below for instructions):
Neck: 17 inches
Waist: 60 inches
Hips: 61 inches
Thigh: 49.5 inces
Chest: 51 inches
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Monday, May 14, 2012
Monday Morning
Monday mornings are always fun. It's back to the gym for me today. Wednesday is weigh-in day for me. I am looking into a new workout program. Something has to give. While I am trying to be proud of myself for what I have lost, I still feel like I could be doing more.
Let's talk about some body changes I have going on. I measured myself for May and I have lost a total of 16 inches since I started. That is a great accomplishment for this yo-yo dieter. However, when I turn my arms a certain way, my fore arms look like a tiny little bull dog. I have rolls of skin that are just there. I realize I should've been working out my arms since the beginning, but I didn't. I have purchased me a pair of shorts to wear under my skirt so I can use some of the machines. My intentions are to work out at least 5 days a week for the next 4 weeks.
We are leaving for vacation in 4 weeks and I would love to be at least 10 lbs smaller by then. I may not hit that goal, but I will try as hard as I can get there. We are going to have a blast and I want to know that I have worked hard to enjoy a break. The kids will enjoy it and that makes it worth it. I have made sure the places we are staying at have a gym so I can try to catch a couple work outs.
Today will be a good day. I am determined it will be. I hope you have a great day also!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Let's talk about some body changes I have going on. I measured myself for May and I have lost a total of 16 inches since I started. That is a great accomplishment for this yo-yo dieter. However, when I turn my arms a certain way, my fore arms look like a tiny little bull dog. I have rolls of skin that are just there. I realize I should've been working out my arms since the beginning, but I didn't. I have purchased me a pair of shorts to wear under my skirt so I can use some of the machines. My intentions are to work out at least 5 days a week for the next 4 weeks.
We are leaving for vacation in 4 weeks and I would love to be at least 10 lbs smaller by then. I may not hit that goal, but I will try as hard as I can get there. We are going to have a blast and I want to know that I have worked hard to enjoy a break. The kids will enjoy it and that makes it worth it. I have made sure the places we are staying at have a gym so I can try to catch a couple work outs.
Today will be a good day. I am determined it will be. I hope you have a great day also!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mothers' Day and a Funeral
I will start out by saying I have great kids and they are my reason for living. They made cards for me. They got me a book and a candle, but more importantly they gave the sweetest hugs and "I love you" 's. That means more to me than anything else.
All that being said, I hate this stinkin' day. It reminds me that I am now an orphan. My mama left and my father isn't here either. This day reminds me of all that I am missing now that she's gone. It also reminds me that over half of my children aren't here with me.
I woke up this morning with the intentions of going to church. The kids ended up having tummy troubles this morning. We had to rush to the store because we needed diapers. Then we went to the grave yard to take flowers for mama and to bury Chloe. This special day shouldn't include trips to the grave yard. It's just wrong!!!!
We sang and prayed over our precious baby. We lowered her tiny casket into the ground and we said "see you soon." She is beautiful. I know she's sitting in my mama's arms right now being rocked and comforted by the same arms who comforted me for 25 years. If she can't be in my arms, there's no other place I'd rather my babies be.
I asked my husband to make spaghetti for me for dinner tonight. Since I have started dieting, I haven't been able to have really good spaghetti. So tonight he made it...after I chopped everything that went in it...then he needed my help with a couple other things. I didn't care to help him. However in the end my plate was dumped because someone wasn't paying attention to what they were doing. Oh well, I saved some calories I guess. This weekend has been so hard and I am glad to see it go. I hope this week is better.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
All that being said, I hate this stinkin' day. It reminds me that I am now an orphan. My mama left and my father isn't here either. This day reminds me of all that I am missing now that she's gone. It also reminds me that over half of my children aren't here with me.
I woke up this morning with the intentions of going to church. The kids ended up having tummy troubles this morning. We had to rush to the store because we needed diapers. Then we went to the grave yard to take flowers for mama and to bury Chloe. This special day shouldn't include trips to the grave yard. It's just wrong!!!!
We sang and prayed over our precious baby. We lowered her tiny casket into the ground and we said "see you soon." She is beautiful. I know she's sitting in my mama's arms right now being rocked and comforted by the same arms who comforted me for 25 years. If she can't be in my arms, there's no other place I'd rather my babies be.
I asked my husband to make spaghetti for me for dinner tonight. Since I have started dieting, I haven't been able to have really good spaghetti. So tonight he made it...after I chopped everything that went in it...then he needed my help with a couple other things. I didn't care to help him. However in the end my plate was dumped because someone wasn't paying attention to what they were doing. Oh well, I saved some calories I guess. This weekend has been so hard and I am glad to see it go. I hope this week is better.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Friday, May 11, 2012
Chloe Elizabeth...Too Beautiful for Earth
WARNING: THIS WILL BE A VERY GRAPHIC POST. CONTINUE READING WITH CAUTION.
Today started out as a good day. I got up this morning and I had stopped bleeding. I have been spotting/bleeding for two weeks now. I spotted for a week before I started my period (or I thought that was what it was.) I normally have heavy periods, but this was above and beyond normal for me.
Today is Isaiah's birthday so we've been out and about a lot. I wasn't too surprised when I came home and noticed I had started bleeding again. We got the kids put to bed. John had taken Isaiah to the living room to rock him while I got Liana to sleep. I was sitting here doing some stuff online when I felt like I had passed a blood clot. I have done this so much over the years. I know what they feel like. I got up to go to the bathroom but stopped to wake John up who had fallen asleep with our birthday boy. As he got up to put Little Man in bed, I headed to the bathroom to clean up.
What I found wasn't the results of a blood clot. I found my child. Three weeks ago I swore I had ovulated, but put the idea out of my mind when I started spotting and then ultimately started my period. The baby was very, very tiny obviously, but everything was there.
Right now I feel kind of numb. I haven't made it past the stage where I am just thankful that God chose to bless us, yet again with another angel baby. My heart is sad because I want to be able to hold this precious one that shouldn't have come so soon. God has a purpose for my child's life though and for that I praise Him.
We have chosen to name our daughter Chloe Elizabeth which means God is my oath blooming. She was so precious and way too delicate for earth. I can't think of a more precious Mother's Day gift from my Daddy than to become a Mama again.
Lord, thank You so much for trusting me, yet again, with one of Your most precious gifts. Please hold her and take care of her. Tell her about me as I would've told her about You. I love you both so much.
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Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama.
Today started out as a good day. I got up this morning and I had stopped bleeding. I have been spotting/bleeding for two weeks now. I spotted for a week before I started my period (or I thought that was what it was.) I normally have heavy periods, but this was above and beyond normal for me.
Today is Isaiah's birthday so we've been out and about a lot. I wasn't too surprised when I came home and noticed I had started bleeding again. We got the kids put to bed. John had taken Isaiah to the living room to rock him while I got Liana to sleep. I was sitting here doing some stuff online when I felt like I had passed a blood clot. I have done this so much over the years. I know what they feel like. I got up to go to the bathroom but stopped to wake John up who had fallen asleep with our birthday boy. As he got up to put Little Man in bed, I headed to the bathroom to clean up.
What I found wasn't the results of a blood clot. I found my child. Three weeks ago I swore I had ovulated, but put the idea out of my mind when I started spotting and then ultimately started my period. The baby was very, very tiny obviously, but everything was there.
Right now I feel kind of numb. I haven't made it past the stage where I am just thankful that God chose to bless us, yet again with another angel baby. My heart is sad because I want to be able to hold this precious one that shouldn't have come so soon. God has a purpose for my child's life though and for that I praise Him.
We have chosen to name our daughter Chloe Elizabeth which means God is my oath blooming. She was so precious and way too delicate for earth. I can't think of a more precious Mother's Day gift from my Daddy than to become a Mama again.
Lord, thank You so much for trusting me, yet again, with one of Your most precious gifts. Please hold her and take care of her. Tell her about me as I would've told her about You. I love you both so much.
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Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
A Mother's Blessings
Three years ago tomorrow my little family lined up in our pew to "celebrate"
Mothers' Day. I won the flowers for the "young" mothers' category. Our pastor
brought all of the winners up front and he commented about that being my first
official Mothers' Day, as we had completed the boys' adoption the month before.
I will never forget that day. I was one huge bundle of emotions. As much as I
was trying to hold it together for my kids, all I could focus on was how it was
just another first without my own Mama.
The flowers were such a bittersweet
gift but I wanted NOTHING to do with them. Mother's Day flowers were "cursed" in
our family. The last time someone in my family won flowers for Mother's Day was in 1988. I was 4 years old and we lined the pew as a measure to appease my grandmother. Mama won flowers for having the most children (5) in church that morning. After church, Mama and my brother rode home together and I rode home with my sisters. Mama and Paul got home and Paul made a comment about beating Kathy home...a few more minutes pass and we still hadn't made it home. Then Mama got a phone call. All 3 of her daughters were hurt in a car wreck. An older lady pulled out in front of us and hit Kathy's car. Kathy sustained the most minor injuries. I think Cindy was pretty hurt. My injuries didn't seem too bad, but they wouldn't find out until later about my broken pelvis or my brain tumor. They said that the nurses thought Cindy had lost her mind because she kept going on and on about where the flowers were. (She had been holding them when we wrecked.) I don't believe in luck so I know that flowers have no bad omen or karma or anything to them. Still, this gift was just a reminder of what happened then and that I was celebrating this normally wonderful day without my own Mama. So we took my flowers to the grave yard and left them with someone who really deserved them!
Little did I know, as I accepted those flowers from our Pastor that morning just what was about to unfold in my life. Forty-eight hours later I was in bed fighting the urge to want to sleep all day while my children watched Disney. John made them breakfast before he left for work that morning and we were all snuggled on my bed while I pretended to sleep. Little did I know what God had in store. around 10:15 that morning I got a phone call from a lady who said she was from placement. She told me they had a newborn baby girl who they wanted to place with us. Uh? What? I must be dreaming! I tried to listen as they gave me the details... Once I realized this was real, then I couldn't pay attention because I was too excited. I finally got off the phone with her and was told to wait for a call from the case worker to tell us when to meet her at the hospital. I got off the phone and told the boys. Landon wasn't really sure what I was saying. Sam looked up at me and said "OH MOMMY!!! God has answered my prayers!" Trying to be the good little foster/adoptive Mama and step out of faith for a moment I told him "Son, we don't know if we are going to get to keep her." He touched my arm and said "Mom, I prayed and God answered my prayers. She is OUR baby. Believe me, God's got this." Sometimes if I wasn't staring right at home I would never believe he was a child.
John rushes home and gets pulled over for speeding through our sleepy little town, at the end of our road no less. The cop let him go when he explained the situation. He called me and said "Look out the window." The boys got all excited about how Daddy was going to get arrested and all I could think of was how we couldn't afford a speeding ticket.
That afternoon I finally got to see our baby girl. Birth mom met us at the hospital and she held her the whole time. As much as I wanted to hold her, I knew this young woman needed this time to come to terms with this seperation. There was some things the hospital would require I be trained in before they would release Jewel-Anne so I had to come back the next day to pick her up. John had to go into work that day, so my sister came to the hospital with me to sit with the boys. I got to sit in the nursery at the hospital and snuggle with my new baby for almost an hour before the doctor was available to train me how to give her medicine. I didn't mind one bit. It was bittersweet to watch these nurses say good-bye to her. They sent her home with all kinds of baby clothes they had bought her. She spent her first 13 days of life with these women. They loved her like she was their own. I am so thankful for those women.
We finally get ready to leave and I take the bags down to the van. I am greeted by 3 people demanding to know where the baby is. "She will be down in a minute," I tell them. I gave my sister instructions to pull around to Discharge and we would meet her there. I go back into the hospital for the last time knowing I would be leaving with my baby. The nurse escorts us out and my sister (who was blessed with long legs and arms buckles Jewel-Anne into the van. Sam is drooling over Jewel-Anne and Landon finally realized what is happening. He looks at the nurse and says "Excuse me, Ma'am, but we don't need a baby. You need to take her back upstairs where she belongs!" Three years later he still has a mouth that can make me blush with embarrassment when he speaks. You NEVER know what is going to come out of his mouth!
When I stood in church crying over what I had lost...God knew what I was about to gain! Seven weeks prior when I was in near panic attack mode as I walked into the court house to complete the adoption of our boys, God was saying "You don't know it, yet, but something big is about to happen and she will be wonderful!" Four months prior when we were on our way to church not knowing that I would never again hear my Mama tell me that she loved me again, God knew that this little bundle of Sugar and Spice needed her Grammie's loving arms to hold her and her sister before they entered this world. Eternal life was the best gift God could give my Mama in that moment. She had suffered so long. He took her when He did so she could hold my babies before I could. "Out of these ashes Beauty will rise." My babies were God's gift to me to remind me that I still had a future and a purpose to fulfill on this earth. At the time, I didn't understand why I was saying it because I never expected us to have anymore children. On the way to the grave yard in that lonely funeral procession I remember telling John that if we ever had a baby girl I was naming her after Mama. In that moment, God knew. When we celebrated our first Christmas with the boys and our last one with Mama, God knew and He made it a perfect one.
What if I hadn't been willing to listen to the voice that told me to trust God with the size of our family? What if I would've allowed the brokenness to win in the midst of my grief for my son? What if we hadn't started our classes in November and would've waited until next year like I had planned? What if God hadn't placed J in our lives to talk to me and listen when this broken woman spoke of her desire to hold and care for a child so bad? What if J hadn't listened to the Voice of God? What if the women at Choices Resource Center hadn't been willing to listen to the crazy lady weep for almost an hour on the phone because she feared her dreams would never be a reality? What if A (a fellow foster/adoptive mom) hadn't been willing to listen or offer advice when I called her because the woman I spoke with at Choices told me A could help me. What if we had said "God we don't want sick babies" instead of saying "God we told You we would trust You..." What if we said we only want 1 child, newborn only? What if we had closed our home after the boys? What if, nine months later we hadn't made the changes to expand our license for more children? What if I had said I couldn't handle 2 infants, though there were times I wondered how far off the deep end I had went? What if I would've said 3 under 14 months was too much? You see, in the midst of all this grieving I had been doing for the last few years, each event was a stepping stone to get me where I am going. Each angel stirred my Mama's Heart to push for another blessing. Absolutely none of this happened by chance or surprised God. Each heartbreak He bent down to hold me and whisper in my ear "It's not over yet. Push forward. Keep going. He's worth it. She's worth it. They're all worth it. I have blessings in store for you that you can't even begin to comprehend right now baby girl. Don't give up now! Don't you even think about quitting on me!"
When I stood in church crying over what I had lost...God knew what I was about to gain! Seven weeks prior when I was in near panic attack mode as I walked into the court house to complete the adoption of our boys, God was saying "You don't know it, yet, but something big is about to happen and she will be wonderful!" Four months prior when we were on our way to church not knowing that I would never again hear my Mama tell me that she loved me again, God knew that this little bundle of Sugar and Spice needed her Grammie's loving arms to hold her and her sister before they entered this world. Eternal life was the best gift God could give my Mama in that moment. She had suffered so long. He took her when He did so she could hold my babies before I could. "Out of these ashes Beauty will rise." My babies were God's gift to me to remind me that I still had a future and a purpose to fulfill on this earth. At the time, I didn't understand why I was saying it because I never expected us to have anymore children. On the way to the grave yard in that lonely funeral procession I remember telling John that if we ever had a baby girl I was naming her after Mama. In that moment, God knew. When we celebrated our first Christmas with the boys and our last one with Mama, God knew and He made it a perfect one.
What if I hadn't been willing to listen to the voice that told me to trust God with the size of our family? What if I would've allowed the brokenness to win in the midst of my grief for my son? What if we hadn't started our classes in November and would've waited until next year like I had planned? What if God hadn't placed J in our lives to talk to me and listen when this broken woman spoke of her desire to hold and care for a child so bad? What if J hadn't listened to the Voice of God? What if the women at Choices Resource Center hadn't been willing to listen to the crazy lady weep for almost an hour on the phone because she feared her dreams would never be a reality? What if A (a fellow foster/adoptive mom) hadn't been willing to listen or offer advice when I called her because the woman I spoke with at Choices told me A could help me. What if we had said "God we don't want sick babies" instead of saying "God we told You we would trust You..." What if we said we only want 1 child, newborn only? What if we had closed our home after the boys? What if, nine months later we hadn't made the changes to expand our license for more children? What if I had said I couldn't handle 2 infants, though there were times I wondered how far off the deep end I had went? What if I would've said 3 under 14 months was too much? You see, in the midst of all this grieving I had been doing for the last few years, each event was a stepping stone to get me where I am going. Each angel stirred my Mama's Heart to push for another blessing. Absolutely none of this happened by chance or surprised God. Each heartbreak He bent down to hold me and whisper in my ear "It's not over yet. Push forward. Keep going. He's worth it. She's worth it. They're all worth it. I have blessings in store for you that you can't even begin to comprehend right now baby girl. Don't give up now! Don't you even think about quitting on me!"
I am so thankful to our birth mothers. When they knew they couldn't care for my kids, they made the decision to give them a better life. Everyone knows the stigma that is attached to birth moms who have been through the system. My children each have had rough starts because of choices made before they were born. Some people choose the angry route and think what terrible women they are. I can't think that way. The role they played in my children's lives are just as important as my own, for without them my children wouldn't be here. They gave me gifts that no one else on earth could ever give me. They each loved their children or else my children wouldn't be here. I am so thankful that they chose life for my babies.
God, thank you so much for my Blessings. I am so thankful that out of all the women on earth, or that You could've chosen to create, You picked ME to raise and nurture them. Sometimes I feel so inadequate, but I so thankful that You see what I can't. Please give me the wisdom I need so that even when I fail, they can see You through my mess. Give me the courage and the strength to face each challenge head on. Help me to put aside selfishness and help me to put them before my own needs and desires. Lord, when the day comes for me to leave this world, let me do so knowing that I did everything to ensure that my children knew just how much I loved them. May that love be so strong that it will flood the lives my grandchildren for generations to come. Please help me to always understand that there is nothing on this earth that I will ever do that is more important than instilling love into my kids. God I have failed You and I have failed them in so many ways, yet each of You are full of forgiveness. Thank You for never giving up on me. Amen.
God, thank you so much for my Blessings. I am so thankful that out of all the women on earth, or that You could've chosen to create, You picked ME to raise and nurture them. Sometimes I feel so inadequate, but I so thankful that You see what I can't. Please give me the wisdom I need so that even when I fail, they can see You through my mess. Give me the courage and the strength to face each challenge head on. Help me to put aside selfishness and help me to put them before my own needs and desires. Lord, when the day comes for me to leave this world, let me do so knowing that I did everything to ensure that my children knew just how much I loved them. May that love be so strong that it will flood the lives my grandchildren for generations to come. Please help me to always understand that there is nothing on this earth that I will ever do that is more important than instilling love into my kids. God I have failed You and I have failed them in so many ways, yet each of You are full of forgiveness. Thank You for never giving up on me. Amen.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Dear PCOS (TMI)
Dear PCOS, you have changed my life in many ways. I haven't found one single thing I like about you. You are that terrible relative that everyone doesn't even have the desire to pretend to like because they hate you so. Just go away. Die a slow, painful death because we don't want you...
REASONS I HATE PCOS
1. Fertility Problems - You have tried to steal my greatest desire and the highest calling placed on me by God!
2. I have horrible periods because of you. They are painful, messy and leave me homebound. NO ONE understands this unless they too are cursed with this lovely PCOS side effect. I can't stand up without having the "water breaking" effect. Blood goes everywhere. (Did I mention I HATE you?)
3. I am currently bleeding and have bled so much that I can't even pick up my own kids now because I don't have the strength to do so.
4. Losing weight is much harder because of you. It seems no matter how hard I work it's never enough!
5. Diabetes!
6. Hormonal issues are evil!!
This list will be continued, I'm sure!
REASONS I HATE PCOS
1. Fertility Problems - You have tried to steal my greatest desire and the highest calling placed on me by God!
2. I have horrible periods because of you. They are painful, messy and leave me homebound. NO ONE understands this unless they too are cursed with this lovely PCOS side effect. I can't stand up without having the "water breaking" effect. Blood goes everywhere. (Did I mention I HATE you?)
3. I am currently bleeding and have bled so much that I can't even pick up my own kids now because I don't have the strength to do so.
4. Losing weight is much harder because of you. It seems no matter how hard I work it's never enough!
5. Diabetes!
6. Hormonal issues are evil!!
This list will be continued, I'm sure!
Friday, May 4, 2012
April's Photographic Progress
I am totally way behind in posting photos. These were taken in April.
62 pounds gone!!!
62 pounds gone!!!
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