WARNING: THIS WILL BE A VERY GRAPHIC POST. CONTINUE READING WITH CAUTION.
Today started out as a good day. I got up this morning and I had stopped bleeding. I have been spotting/bleeding for two weeks now. I spotted for a week before I started my period (or I thought that was what it was.) I normally have heavy periods, but this was above and beyond normal for me.
Today is Isaiah's birthday so we've been out and about a lot. I wasn't too surprised when I came home and noticed I had started bleeding again. We got the kids put to bed. John had taken Isaiah to the living room to rock him while I got Liana to sleep. I was sitting here doing some stuff online when I felt like I had passed a blood clot. I have done this so much over the years. I know what they feel like. I got up to go to the bathroom but stopped to wake John up who had fallen asleep with our birthday boy. As he got up to put Little Man in bed, I headed to the bathroom to clean up.
What I found wasn't the results of a blood clot. I found my child. Three weeks ago I swore I had ovulated, but put the idea out of my mind when I started spotting and then ultimately started my period. The baby was very, very tiny obviously, but everything was there.
Right now I feel kind of numb. I haven't made it past the stage where I am just thankful that God chose to bless us, yet again with another angel baby. My heart is sad because I want to be able to hold this precious one that shouldn't have come so soon. God has a purpose for my child's life though and for that I praise Him.
We have chosen to name our daughter Chloe Elizabeth which means God is my oath blooming. She was so precious and way too delicate for earth. I can't think of a more precious Mother's Day gift from my Daddy than to become a Mama again.
Lord, thank You so much for trusting me, yet again, with one of Your most precious gifts. Please hold her and take care of her. Tell her about me as I would've told her about You. I love you both so much.
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Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Friday, May 11, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
All Because of You
Dearest Jeremiah,
Today is your three month angelversary. I find it so very hard to live each day without thinking about how you should still be growing in my belly. Very soon we would've been finding out that you were indeed a boy. Your brothers and sisters would help us pick out a new crib, clothes, and toys for you. I can just imagine them getting to hold you for the first time. I know they would've wanted to hold you all the time.
I struggle to come to terms with the fact that there are so many things I will never get to experience with you. I will never feel your tiny body rest against my chest. I will never get to see your first steps, hear your first words, see you live life. No wedding day. No first kiss.
Oh but what I gained! I got to see you. I held you. I kissed you. Even though it was sad, I was able to bury you with grace and dignity that you deserved. Daddy dug your grave and placed your precious little coffin into the ground. We cried together. We celebrated your life and thanked God for giving you to us. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Praise be unto the Lord."
All Because of You
By Lisa Eastman
April 13, 2012
Because of you, my precious Jeremiah David, I am Mama to eleven,
Because of you, my heart grew bigger,
Because of you, I realized just how much God loves me,
All because of you.
Because of you, my heart is healing,
Because of you, I weep with joy,
Because of you, I look forward to tomorrow for it brings me closer to you,
All because of you.
Because of you, we have one more reason to look forward to Heaven
Because of you, Heaven is sweeter
Because of you, the angels rejoice
All because of you.
Because of you, on January morning my life changed forever,
Because of you, I realize just how much of a gift each day really is,
Because of you, I learned to love life again.
All bcause of you.
Love you forever,
Mama
Today is your three month angelversary. I find it so very hard to live each day without thinking about how you should still be growing in my belly. Very soon we would've been finding out that you were indeed a boy. Your brothers and sisters would help us pick out a new crib, clothes, and toys for you. I can just imagine them getting to hold you for the first time. I know they would've wanted to hold you all the time.
I struggle to come to terms with the fact that there are so many things I will never get to experience with you. I will never feel your tiny body rest against my chest. I will never get to see your first steps, hear your first words, see you live life. No wedding day. No first kiss.
Oh but what I gained! I got to see you. I held you. I kissed you. Even though it was sad, I was able to bury you with grace and dignity that you deserved. Daddy dug your grave and placed your precious little coffin into the ground. We cried together. We celebrated your life and thanked God for giving you to us. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Praise be unto the Lord."
All Because of You
By Lisa Eastman
April 13, 2012
Because of you, my precious Jeremiah David, I am Mama to eleven,
Because of you, my heart grew bigger,
Because of you, I realized just how much God loves me,
All because of you.
Because of you, my heart is healing,
Because of you, I weep with joy,
Because of you, I look forward to tomorrow for it brings me closer to you,
All because of you.
Because of you, we have one more reason to look forward to Heaven
Because of you, Heaven is sweeter
Because of you, the angels rejoice
All because of you.
Because of you, on January morning my life changed forever,
Because of you, I realize just how much of a gift each day really is,
Because of you, I learned to love life again.
All bcause of you.
Love you forever,
Mama
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Jeremiah Daniel
DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.
Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure
I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run
I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.
I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.
A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.
I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.
Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.
I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.
John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.
God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.
Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown
"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"
Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure
I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run
I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.
I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.
A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.
I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.
Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.
I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.
John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.
God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.
Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown
"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"
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