Oh the changes over the last 4 months. This year started out so promising. We had insurance. We were going to try to have a baby. Things were really looking up. Then, we got bad news from the doctor. He wouldn't even try to help us conceive. My PCP tried to help us and that ended abruptly when I had a reaction to the birth control pills to try to regulate my period. From there it just went crazy. I spent most of January either in the doctor's office or the ER. The doctor thought I had a heart problem. That turned into the thought that I had GERD. The ER had already ruled out any lung issues. Finally, after 4 months they have decided to treat me for anxiety issues. The doctor called in some meds that I started yesterday. So far I am not liking the side effects. Yesterday, I spent most of the day feeling like my head was in the clouds. I called the pharmacist that confirmed my side effects were normal. Today, I woke up so weepy. I couldn't look at anyone or start talking without crying like crazy. I finally ended up having an asthma attack before all was said and done. I know it will take a while for the medicine to take effect so we have to wait it out.
Life has been the same for so long I didn't think there was any way I could possibly have anxiety issues. It made no sense why everything came on all at once either. I guess my body had just had enough stress. This has been difficult to swallow. Aunt Flossie took "nerve pills" but I never new exactly what they were for. Mom had some issues with depression and anxiety and was treated for it. I am not sure why this diagnosis was so hard for me to swallow. I just feel like I am broken person. I have this whole list of things that made this so hard to accept. I have many friends who struggle with emotional issues and I don't think less of them at all. I have always been more critical on myself than I am others, though. There is so much swirling through my head, but I am just not ready to put it on paper. I have always forced myself to be honest on this blog. It was my way to hold myself accountable. So I have written this entry to do just that.
I want to thank those who have prayed for me, for those who are in my inner circle and given me support, to those who have been my sounding board and those who are always there when I need you. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Big Day
Today was a big day for our family, though. Sam lost another tooth. We were getting ready to leave to go to my friend Amy's house. This tooth had been loose for about a month, but it was so small I couldn't pull it. He grinds his teeth so most of the tooth was gone. I finally wrapped some fishing line around it and pulled it. It look almost 10 minutes to do. I don't know who cried more - Sam or me. I am extra emotional right now as I started my cycle this week.
We have officially begun Birthdaypalooza at our house. Everyone in our family has a birthday between March and August. Mom's and Aunt Flossie's are in March. We still celebrate their birthdays. Landon, John and Jewel-Anne will celebrate their birthdays this month. Isaiah's is in May. June is our anniversary as well as Liana and my birthdays. Sam's is the last one and his is in August. By August, I am sick of birthday cake! Landon's birthday is next so we are planning his Mommy Date for his special day. In our family they get a party/family dinner (usually a combined party for the month) and then we have a special day on their birthday. Landon wants Chinese food so I will honor his request.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Happy Birthday Aunt Flossie
Happy Birthday to one of the greatest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Today, my Aunt Flossie would be turning 96. Up until about a year before she died, she was the fiestiest, most able bodied person I knew. At 90+ years I would've put her up against ANYONE I know. She grew up in a day when people truly believed that if you didn't work, you didn't eat.
I have so much respect for this great lady. She helped raise me when I was young. When I was in public school she is the one who made me breakfast and met me when I got off the bus. She taught me most of what I knew about God. There was no one more faithful than she was. Of all the good things I am today, she is responsible for a lot of them.
Happy Birthday, Aunt Flossie!!! I miss you more than I thought was possible. Thank you for all you gave to me - the time and the love you sowed into my life. I have no doubt that your mansion in glory is spectacular because of all the good you did here on earth. I love you!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
I have so much respect for this great lady. She helped raise me when I was young. When I was in public school she is the one who made me breakfast and met me when I got off the bus. She taught me most of what I knew about God. There was no one more faithful than she was. Of all the good things I am today, she is responsible for a lot of them.
Happy Birthday, Aunt Flossie!!! I miss you more than I thought was possible. Thank you for all you gave to me - the time and the love you sowed into my life. I have no doubt that your mansion in glory is spectacular because of all the good you did here on earth. I love you!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Thursday, March 21, 2013
When the Warm Fuzzies Fly South for the Winter
A few moments ago I found a link to a blog that talked about some hard issues. The author was an adoptive mama of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder - RAD. http://lisa-overcomingmyself.blogspot.com/2011/07/to-mothers-of-unattached-children.html. I felt like I could've written her post word for word. My reply to her inspired this blog post.
When we started our journey into foster care, I was such a broken person. I had already experienced five miscarriages. I thought I would never be a Mama to earth blessings. As much as I wanted to save the world, selfishly I wanted to fulfill my own desires to be a mama. I started out with all these warm fuzzy feelings, but they not my reality most days. Foster parenting is hard, but it has its own rewards. I wouldn't change my life for the world, because I love my children, but it is HARD. The moment they bring the child into your home, you have hopes of helping that child heal. You do your best to help them and finally adoption day comes. I think every adoptive parent experiences that sigh of relief when everything is final.
What happens when the warm fuzzies fly south for the winter? What happens when your beloved darling turns into the incredible hulk and you hear things coming out of their mouth that would make the toughest, emotionless man melt into a puddle of tears? What do you do then?
The first time I heard "I hate you! I don't want to live with you. I want to go live with my birth parents. You don't love me." come one child's mouth I locked myself in my room and cried like a teenage girl who had lost her first boyfriend to a cheerleader. I had done all I could do to help my children understand that they are loved. I have tried to make adoption this really beautiful thing for my children. Their stories don't include all the bad things that happened prior to us. When they ask why they can't live with their birth parents we give them age appropriate facts, but we always try to reassure to them that they are exactly where God wants them to be right now. I tell them often that I feel blessed to be their Mama and I do. Out of all the women in the world, God could've easily chosen someone else. Despite all of my hard work to show them how much we love them, my child was screaming words no child should ever say, but most do. Now it's something I hear on a weekly basis. Every time this child doesn't get his way, the attack starts. I am sad to say that I have finally gotten accustomed to this battle of tongue. Well, as much as any mother could get used to those heart breaking words spewing from her child's mouth.
I have found that my journey is a very lonely one. Most people do not understand what it feels like to hear your child act this way so often. Everyone means well when they try to reassure you that everything will be fine, but they don't realize that they are telling me that my feelings are completely wrong or that I shouldn't take things so personally. In the times that I don't allow something to get to me or react in a way that doesn't give in to the child's tantrums then I am judged then too. Because of this I have closed myself off to many people. I can be friendly with almost anyone, but I don't allow very many people inside. It is hard to handle other's criticism when I am struggling to help my child. It's one thing to parent when you don't have all the answers. It's quite another when you feel like you don't have ANY of the answers.
I have found that the solutions are as numerous as there are children. As frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, I have learned that this road is something that my family has to travel together. No one has the answers. We will discover them as we go - together. And that is ok. Until then, we pray for spring.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
When we started our journey into foster care, I was such a broken person. I had already experienced five miscarriages. I thought I would never be a Mama to earth blessings. As much as I wanted to save the world, selfishly I wanted to fulfill my own desires to be a mama. I started out with all these warm fuzzy feelings, but they not my reality most days. Foster parenting is hard, but it has its own rewards. I wouldn't change my life for the world, because I love my children, but it is HARD. The moment they bring the child into your home, you have hopes of helping that child heal. You do your best to help them and finally adoption day comes. I think every adoptive parent experiences that sigh of relief when everything is final.
What happens when the warm fuzzies fly south for the winter? What happens when your beloved darling turns into the incredible hulk and you hear things coming out of their mouth that would make the toughest, emotionless man melt into a puddle of tears? What do you do then?
The first time I heard "I hate you! I don't want to live with you. I want to go live with my birth parents. You don't love me." come one child's mouth I locked myself in my room and cried like a teenage girl who had lost her first boyfriend to a cheerleader. I had done all I could do to help my children understand that they are loved. I have tried to make adoption this really beautiful thing for my children. Their stories don't include all the bad things that happened prior to us. When they ask why they can't live with their birth parents we give them age appropriate facts, but we always try to reassure to them that they are exactly where God wants them to be right now. I tell them often that I feel blessed to be their Mama and I do. Out of all the women in the world, God could've easily chosen someone else. Despite all of my hard work to show them how much we love them, my child was screaming words no child should ever say, but most do. Now it's something I hear on a weekly basis. Every time this child doesn't get his way, the attack starts. I am sad to say that I have finally gotten accustomed to this battle of tongue. Well, as much as any mother could get used to those heart breaking words spewing from her child's mouth.
I have found that my journey is a very lonely one. Most people do not understand what it feels like to hear your child act this way so often. Everyone means well when they try to reassure you that everything will be fine, but they don't realize that they are telling me that my feelings are completely wrong or that I shouldn't take things so personally. In the times that I don't allow something to get to me or react in a way that doesn't give in to the child's tantrums then I am judged then too. Because of this I have closed myself off to many people. I can be friendly with almost anyone, but I don't allow very many people inside. It is hard to handle other's criticism when I am struggling to help my child. It's one thing to parent when you don't have all the answers. It's quite another when you feel like you don't have ANY of the answers.
I have found that the solutions are as numerous as there are children. As frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, I have learned that this road is something that my family has to travel together. No one has the answers. We will discover them as we go - together. And that is ok. Until then, we pray for spring.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)