Broken

I am sitting here right now with my heart hurting.  All day long I haven't felt right.  I have been fighting off a migraine.  I had John to rub my shoulders. He went to buy me some new pillows hoping that might help. I spent most of the afternoon with a towel over my head to block out the light and trying to stay as still as possible.  Finally, I got up and went to get some medication and had a pedicure.  My beloved manicurist, Jenny, did some pressure point massaging that helped tremendously.  I went to grab a bite to eat then settled in to our bedtime routine.


Then I checked my messages and found out some horrible news.  News that simply makes me want to cry, which I am, and news that makes my chest feel like there's a two ton elephant sitting on it.  News that I don't want to have to tell my husband when he wakes up from work, but I have to.  Before I share this news with you, I have to go back in our story a couple months ago.


A few months ago, a very dear friend of mine, who happens to be like a daughter to me, lost her father. He died of cancer.  I have grieved for the loss of my friend, and tried to help this sweet young woman grieve the loss of her dad.  A couple months ago, she found out that she was pregnant with twins.  She has two kids of her own already and felt she couldn't raise these two.  After much prayer and consideration, we (she, John and myself) decided we would adopt the babies.  John and I had been trying to figure out the finances of the legal process.


This afternoon I was notified that she lost the babies.  My heart aches.  I ache for the lost dream of holding these precious babies.  I ache for a friend who is more like a daughter to me than anything else.  My heart aches because I know what she is going through.  I ache because distance separates us just enough that I cannot be with her at this time.  It just isn't right.  No one should have to go through the pain of losing a child (let alone two) like that.  I am balancing between wanting to scream like mad and wanting to cry.


Please pray for this dear young woman as she grieves the loss of these babies. Birth moms are awesome people.  They prepare to give their precious child(ren) to another woman to love and care for all of its days.  Yet, when the unthinkable happens, they still grief the loss of their child.

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  -  Matt. 19:14

Blessing,

Mama

Homesick

I have moments where everything just starts flooding my mind.  Today as I was driving down the interstate I heard an ambulance. As always, I looked to see which direction the sirens were coming from so I could move if necessary.  I seen it was traveling in the opposite direction so I was ok. Or was I?


All at once, these memories start flooding my mind.  I see her lifeless body lying on the bed.  I see my husband pounding on her chest as my children scream in terror.  I remember pulling into the driveway moments before after calling her for what seemed like forever. In my heart I knew she was gone. Time moves forward a bit and there's a police officer trying to calm me as the EMTs work on this lifeless body.  The next second I am transported to the ER where I hear my siblings sobbing.


Almost 5 years later one little thing takes my mind back to one of the worst moments of my life.  Even as I write this I can still smell "death".  I can feel her cold, dead body under my hand as I try to will her to wake up and try to figure out how I will go on from here. I feel my husband's hands prying mine away from hers and almost push me out of the room.


As I try to force myself to forget all of the things that plague my mind so I can make it home, the memories just keep coming.  Songs, caskets, grave sites, flowers, heart-broken little boys who will never be the same. I don't think I ever loved my husband more than in those moments.  I truly could not have made it without him.


Do you know what is like to have a panic attack?  They are scary enough normally, but when you are driving they are even scarier.  I didn't want my kids to see me fall apart so I did what I had to make it home safely.  Now, I sit here and try to remain calm so my body stops trying to betray me.








Weight Loss Mama

Embarrassing Weight Loss Moments

So let's be honest here. I have been less than faithful with my weight loss journey lately. So imagine my surprise when the events of the day took place. Needless to say, I was so embarrassed!


This morning I had to be in Knoxville very early.  Of course this would be the morning I overslept. LANDON even overslept.  That is totally unusual.  So we all get up and rush out the door.  Since I've gained some weight back I have gotten out some of my old clothes. This morning I had put a pair of cloth shorts on.


We do what we need to do and I go to drop John off at his car so he can go to work. We stopped at the gas station.  I get out of the van and as I stand up my shorts hit the ground. Now they didn't seem that loose this morning as I was in a  hurry, but they hit the concrete really easily. I was humiliated.  I pulled up my shorts and prayed no one seen me.  I spent the rest of my time trying not to make eye contact with anyone.


Blessings,

Mama

Scary Thoughts

The thought just hit me today. I have 4 years until I have a teen in the house. Six until I have two teens in the house. Nine until I have 4 teens in the house. And a mere ten until there are FIVE teenage kids living in my house. Lord, give me the grace and wisdom to prepare my children to stand for You. Help me to lead and guide them in a way that would bring You glory. Help me to teach them to make decisions that would bring delight to Your heart. Help me to lead them as long as I need to. Help me to let go when the time is right. Above all else God, please guard their hearts that they may follow your ways every step they take. Amen.


Blessings,

Mama