I have moments where everything just starts flooding my mind. Today as I was driving down the interstate I heard an ambulance. As always, I looked to see which direction the sirens were coming from so I could move if necessary. I seen it was traveling in the opposite direction so I was ok. Or was I?
All at once, these memories start flooding my mind. I see her lifeless body lying on the bed. I see my husband pounding on her chest as my children scream in terror. I remember pulling into the driveway moments before after calling her for what seemed like forever. In my heart I knew she was gone. Time moves forward a bit and there's a police officer trying to calm me as the EMTs work on this lifeless body. The next second I am transported to the ER where I hear my siblings sobbing.
Almost 5 years later one little thing takes my mind back to one of the worst moments of my life. Even as I write this I can still smell "death". I can feel her cold, dead body under my hand as I try to will her to wake up and try to figure out how I will go on from here. I feel my husband's hands prying mine away from hers and almost push me out of the room.
As I try to force myself to forget all of the things that plague my mind so I can make it home, the memories just keep coming. Songs, caskets, grave sites, flowers, heart-broken little boys who will never be the same. I don't think I ever loved my husband more than in those moments. I truly could not have made it without him.
Do you know what is like to have a panic attack? They are scary enough normally, but when you are driving they are even scarier. I didn't want my kids to see me fall apart so I did what I had to make it home safely. Now, I sit here and try to remain calm so my body stops trying to betray me.
Weight Loss Mama
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