I have been composing this blog in my head for a few days now. My hope is that I can put into words what I want to say. One of the reasons I stopped blogging was because I started having trouble getting my thoughts into words on paper (or screen).
I grew up knowing I was meant to be a mama. I played with dolls from the time I was little. It was more than the usually little girl doll play. Those dolls were my BABIES. I would use my allowance to buy real diapers and human baby clothes. As I got older, I purchased full-sized strollers and carseats for my babies. I played with my dolls much longer than most girls did. It was who I was. I was born to be a mama. When I was 12, I got my first job babysitting. I was homeschooled so my schedule was more flexible than most teen sitters. Over the years, I had several kids that I helped care for. They were my babies.
In my late teen years, I joined a church and youth group. I had trouble fitting in because I didn't feel I was like them. Oh, they were good kids. I had a couple close friends during those years. My life was just in a different place. They were teens who wanted to be teens. I was sixteen and dreaming of babies, a husband and family. In my group of friends, I have always been the caregiver/mothering type. I took care of my mama, helped care for my great-aunt, and my grandparents. Now, I have my kids and my husband to care for. My dreams finally came true.
All was great for a while. Then, I lost my mama. I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. My joy vanished. Anxiety increased. I have struggled for years in my relationship with God. I am a Christian. I have been saved. I try to do what God would have me to do, but I feel like a shell of the person I was. I have given all I have to give. I try to hold it all together. I am supposed to be the strong one. I am the mama - not just to my kids, but to all of those around me. My cup is running empty with no way to fill it. I have prayed. I have asked God to restore the passion I once felt. Yet, I sit here feeling like I am letting everyone down. I am not who I was and that hurts so bad. It is hard to fill everyone else's cups when the well in your own soul is running dry. I have tried going to church. I have prayed. I have tried self-care and counseling. I sit here wondering where the answers are supposed to come from. Surely, there's something I am missing because everything I am trying isn't working. God is a good God. Even in the midst of my trials, I know that His goodness hasn't changed. I want to be the person who is as light to all. Yet, right now, I am drowning and there's no boats to save me.
Lisa
