Diabetes Report

Just a quick note before going to bed.  This is the way I keep track of things.  I haven't been good about watching what I've been eating.  Eating is my way of coping with things so that explains some things.  My A1C is currently 7.9 right now.  I have got to get this taken care of.

Grief

November 4, 2013 I began a new chapter in my life.  I wasn't asked if I wanted to go on this journey.  No one seemed to care what my opinion was of the matter.  That didn't change the fact that I was placed on this journey - a journey I never thought I'd ever take.  I have spent the last month hiding in shame, but I'm tired of feeling guilty for the choice of another.  I will not carry that guilt any longer.

One month and two days ago, my husband left me.  He walked out and said he didn't love me anymore.  He calls to check on the kids.  We chat now and again about things we have to talk about, but that is the extent of our relationship.  Over the past month we've done a couple counseling sessions.  Thus far, they haven't helped anything.  My husband says, and it seems to be true, that we get along much better when we are apart than when we are together.  

I look back and wonder how we got to this place.  We would be celebrating our tenth year wedding anniversary next June.  We have really struggled throughout those years.  We've had some really hard times.  We went through many miscarriages,  infertility, fertility treatments, deaths of close family members, in addition to all the other things life has thrown at us.  We always came out on the other side of things.  We were always together and stronger because of the blows life threw at us.  He always told me that he'd never leave me.  Stupidly, I believed him.  

As a Christian, I have really struggled with what to do next.  My mother was raised to believe that divorce was Biblically wrong.  In fact, she stayed in a physically abusive marriage for a very long time because of how she was raised.  She always said that the only time divorce was morally ok was in the instance of physical abuse or adultery.  So I have spent the last month picturing myself being alone for the rest of myself growing old...alone.  Even if I didn't feel the way I do about marriage, no one wants a woman who has a pre-made family. 

A month later, life is starting to resemble a new normal.  There are still moments that are very emotionally intense for me - today being one of them.  My kids have moments - almost daily - where they cry like crazy.  There is nothing that I can do but hold them and reassure them that they are loved and always will be.  Day by day we are making it.  We are getting stronger.  In the mean time it is ok to be broken.  

Through this I have lost some friends.  I have gained some new ones.  Some that I never thought would stand by me have become closer than I ever imagined.  I have learned that grieving is a process.  Separation/Divorce is very much like a death and has to be grieved as such.  Some people cannot handle how ugly and dirty that grief is.  Grief isn't pretty, at least it isn't for me.  A lot of people just expect you to pick up and move on and I'm just not there yet.  One day I will get there, but today isn't that day. 

I would appreciate prayers for us.  We are all dealing with this in the best way we can.  I'm thankful to those who have been there.  You'll never know how much your love and kindness means to me. 

Understanding God's Love Through Sorrow

WINNER EITHER WAY 


A LOVED ONE KNEW HE'D REACHED THE END OF LIFE'S JOURNEY, 
BUT HE'D BEEN HOLDING TO GOD'S HAND A LONG, LONG TIME 
AND AS I KNELT BESIDE HIS BED, 
MY HEART WAS THRILLED AT WHAT HE SAID," 
IF I GO, OR IF I STAY, THE VICTORY IS MINE." 


NONE OF US REALLY KNOWS ABOUT TOMORROW, 
WE MUST PREPARE TO GO TO HEAVEN ANY DAY 
BUT WHILE WE'RE HERE LET'S TRUST THE LORD, 
HE'LL LEAD US SAFE TO OUR REWARD 
AND BY HIS GRACE, WE'LL BE A WINNER EITHER WAY 

(CHORUS) 
I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY, IF I GO OR IF I STAY 
FOR I'LL STILL HAVE MY JESUS EACH PASSING DAY 
I'LL HAVE MY HEALING HERE BELOW, OR LIFE FOREVER IF I GO 
OH PRAISE THE LORD, I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY.



Last month, my sister's beloved dog died.  Most of my siblings on my mother's side do not have children.  Their pets are their babies.  My children love their "cousins" and have grieved for this precious dog.  It's brought up quite the discussions with my oldest two.  My oldest son feels that his brother always gets his prayers answered and has all the "luck". He feels that anything he wishes or prays for will render the opposite. 


He was talking to me again today asking why Kaley had to die.  He said when she started getting sick that he prayed for God to heal her.  Then he said, "I did the same with Grammie and she died, too." What he doesn't understand, at nine years old, is that his prayers for Grammie and Kaley's healing were answered. They just weren't answered in the way he hoped they would be. 


As Christians, we don't want our children to grow up always getting what they want and never experiencing hardships. The hardships teach us so much about God's love.  Even though, I sometimes ask the very same questions he asks.  While nothing bad comes from my Father,  I know that God hand-picks the trials He allows me to face. He does this with my best interest in mind to, among many things, draw my heart closer to His. I want my children to understand that God doesn't allow sorrow because He is cruel, but only to purify us.  Still, that is a hard lesson for a child to learn.  That is a hard lesson for me to learn at 30 years old. 


When mom first passed, and even now, I know that God could've chosen to heal my mama here. Oh now much better that would've been for ME and for my family. God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to take her instead. It hurts, oh how it hurts, but He knows what is best. There wasn't a day before or since her passing, that I have walked alone. I believe that God knew every step I would take long before any of it happened. No matter where I go, He's already there preparing the way for me. 


I have learned that no matter what, God is faithful. Even when we can't understand, He is still there. It hurts my Mama's heart to see my babies suffer so, but I try to make sure I use these times as teaching moments and surround them with my love. I know that all I lack, God will surely fill in those gaps. HIS love and HIS understanding are always enough. 

for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: - Philippians 4:11b & 13 NIV 


Blessings, 

Mama

Pastors

While it's a cute cartoon, it strikes a chord with me. I wonder if his pastor would search for him if he only gave $500 or even $100 a year? What if all he could afford was $1 a year? Some churches get so wrapped up in the finances that they fail to remember that they are supposed to love everyone. Regardless of how much that person contributes to the pastor's salary.

 

Now please don't get me wrong. I know that a church needs money to help others in the world. I believe a pastor's family should be taken well care of by his congregation. I believe everyone should give what they can, to the church in tithes and offerings. I just don't believe a person should be judged by the amount they are able/willing to give a church.

 

My pastor is an amazing pastor. He works very hard through his business. He works very hard with and for his family. He takes care of the congregation through sermons and helping those who need it. I have no idea how much he gets paid or even if he does at this point because we are such a small church. However, what I do know is that he serves faithfully each time we meet as well as the needs we have throughout the week. I am blessed to be part of his flock. I have finally found love from a pastor. He has taken care of my family. He loves my family and treats us like we are HIS family.

 

 

I will admit that I went into this church with a huge chip on my shoulder. Church had never been kind to me. I never really fit in at any of the churches I went too. Growing up, my mom had issues because our pastor had left while my grandmother was terribly sick. He went on vacation and wasn't there to preach her funeral. The next church I went to was a good church but I just didn't fit in. The next one was where I met my husband, where all of my children were dedicated. It was the church I was attending when my mom passed away. John and I were a young couple who had five kids and very little money. We gave, but not to the capacity of others. When we left that church our pastor or his staff didn't know my children's names even though he had dedicated all off them.

 

 

When we found OUR church we had been searching for "home" for about six months. I fully expected our (now) pastor to be just like the others. But he isn't. He is loving. He welcomes my children into worship service. He doesn't believe that children should be separated from their parents where they aren't seen OR heard. He has taken us in and treated us the way a pastor should. I am so thankful that God brought us to this place of healing.

 

 

I understand it takes all kinds. Some people don't mind a pastor who is out of touch with his congregation. For my family, though, we desire that closeness with our church family. When my husband was sick, earlier this year, our church family took care of us. They visited my husband in the hospital. They brought meals to us once he was home. They really take care of each other. They have restored my faith in the human church. Today, I can say with absolute certainty that if I were lost, my pastor would be looking for me and give all he had to find me. It's a great feeling to be home.

 

 

Blessings,

 

Mama

TMI ALERT: Cycle Info

I chart, but just chart my period days. It gets so emotionally draining to temp and all that other stuff when your cycles are anything but regular. Right now I am just trying to find out more about my body. That being said....

I started today. My last cycle was 45 days long. For some reason I thought it was much longer. I had a weird couple days prior to that where I spotted, but it was totally weird. Anyway. Here we go again.

Here is a story I posted on FB earlier today.

I have to share this story with you. I had to make an emergency run to Walmart to pick up some *ahem* woman stuff *cough* because I had none on hand. I had all of the babies in one cart and Sam was pushing Landon in another one. So as I'm walking back to the register, Isaiah picks up a box and says "Mommy, dis got candy in it?" I responded, "No Son, that's not candy. It's for Mommy." There was an older lady who was in the aisle at the time and she was trying to hide her laughter. At that point he looks at her and says, "Girl, Mommy's buying us gum. Dere's gum in dis box!!!" And he did that to every woman we passed. The poor guy at the register was turning about 20 different shades of red by the time we made it through his line. *note to self* Do not take Isaiah to buy that stuff anymore.


Blessings, 

Mama

Broken

I am sitting here right now with my heart hurting.  All day long I haven't felt right.  I have been fighting off a migraine.  I had John to rub my shoulders. He went to buy me some new pillows hoping that might help. I spent most of the afternoon with a towel over my head to block out the light and trying to stay as still as possible.  Finally, I got up and went to get some medication and had a pedicure.  My beloved manicurist, Jenny, did some pressure point massaging that helped tremendously.  I went to grab a bite to eat then settled in to our bedtime routine.


Then I checked my messages and found out some horrible news.  News that simply makes me want to cry, which I am, and news that makes my chest feel like there's a two ton elephant sitting on it.  News that I don't want to have to tell my husband when he wakes up from work, but I have to.  Before I share this news with you, I have to go back in our story a couple months ago.


A few months ago, a very dear friend of mine, who happens to be like a daughter to me, lost her father. He died of cancer.  I have grieved for the loss of my friend, and tried to help this sweet young woman grieve the loss of her dad.  A couple months ago, she found out that she was pregnant with twins.  She has two kids of her own already and felt she couldn't raise these two.  After much prayer and consideration, we (she, John and myself) decided we would adopt the babies.  John and I had been trying to figure out the finances of the legal process.


This afternoon I was notified that she lost the babies.  My heart aches.  I ache for the lost dream of holding these precious babies.  I ache for a friend who is more like a daughter to me than anything else.  My heart aches because I know what she is going through.  I ache because distance separates us just enough that I cannot be with her at this time.  It just isn't right.  No one should have to go through the pain of losing a child (let alone two) like that.  I am balancing between wanting to scream like mad and wanting to cry.


Please pray for this dear young woman as she grieves the loss of these babies. Birth moms are awesome people.  They prepare to give their precious child(ren) to another woman to love and care for all of its days.  Yet, when the unthinkable happens, they still grief the loss of their child.

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  -  Matt. 19:14

Blessing,

Mama

Homesick

I have moments where everything just starts flooding my mind.  Today as I was driving down the interstate I heard an ambulance. As always, I looked to see which direction the sirens were coming from so I could move if necessary.  I seen it was traveling in the opposite direction so I was ok. Or was I?


All at once, these memories start flooding my mind.  I see her lifeless body lying on the bed.  I see my husband pounding on her chest as my children scream in terror.  I remember pulling into the driveway moments before after calling her for what seemed like forever. In my heart I knew she was gone. Time moves forward a bit and there's a police officer trying to calm me as the EMTs work on this lifeless body.  The next second I am transported to the ER where I hear my siblings sobbing.


Almost 5 years later one little thing takes my mind back to one of the worst moments of my life.  Even as I write this I can still smell "death".  I can feel her cold, dead body under my hand as I try to will her to wake up and try to figure out how I will go on from here. I feel my husband's hands prying mine away from hers and almost push me out of the room.


As I try to force myself to forget all of the things that plague my mind so I can make it home, the memories just keep coming.  Songs, caskets, grave sites, flowers, heart-broken little boys who will never be the same. I don't think I ever loved my husband more than in those moments.  I truly could not have made it without him.


Do you know what is like to have a panic attack?  They are scary enough normally, but when you are driving they are even scarier.  I didn't want my kids to see me fall apart so I did what I had to make it home safely.  Now, I sit here and try to remain calm so my body stops trying to betray me.








Weight Loss Mama

Embarrassing Weight Loss Moments

So let's be honest here. I have been less than faithful with my weight loss journey lately. So imagine my surprise when the events of the day took place. Needless to say, I was so embarrassed!


This morning I had to be in Knoxville very early.  Of course this would be the morning I overslept. LANDON even overslept.  That is totally unusual.  So we all get up and rush out the door.  Since I've gained some weight back I have gotten out some of my old clothes. This morning I had put a pair of cloth shorts on.


We do what we need to do and I go to drop John off at his car so he can go to work. We stopped at the gas station.  I get out of the van and as I stand up my shorts hit the ground. Now they didn't seem that loose this morning as I was in a  hurry, but they hit the concrete really easily. I was humiliated.  I pulled up my shorts and prayed no one seen me.  I spent the rest of my time trying not to make eye contact with anyone.


Blessings,

Mama

Scary Thoughts

The thought just hit me today. I have 4 years until I have a teen in the house. Six until I have two teens in the house. Nine until I have 4 teens in the house. And a mere ten until there are FIVE teenage kids living in my house. Lord, give me the grace and wisdom to prepare my children to stand for You. Help me to lead and guide them in a way that would bring You glory. Help me to teach them to make decisions that would bring delight to Your heart. Help me to lead them as long as I need to. Help me to let go when the time is right. Above all else God, please guard their hearts that they may follow your ways every step they take. Amen.


Blessings,

Mama

Why We Homeschool

Everyone asks why we don't utilize the public school system. There are many, many reasons why we don't, but here are a few.

(PLEASE NOTE: While we feel that homeschooling is what is best for our family we do not feel that everyone should be forced to homeschool. I do not think our family is superior to yours. Everyone must choose what is right for their family. This is simply what is right for us.)

1. I love my children. I know that while homeschooling isn't right for everyone, it is most certainly the best for our family.

2. I love watching my children as they "get" a new concept.

3. I love the sibling interaction my kids have. All siblings have disagreements, but they are truly each others' best friends and I love that.

4. My son has ADHD, while we do medicate him, he would not do well in a traditional classroom setting.

5. I can tailor our lesson plans to fit the interests of my children.

6. My goals for my children are as follows, a) love God with all their  heart, soul and mind. b) Family should be their second priority.  Education comes second to all of that. If I don't have their hearts then I haven't done my job. If my children are the smartest people in the world, but don't know Jesus then I have failed.

7. I can't imagine sending my children off to spend their most impressionable years in the hands of another adult.

8. My children do not belong to Ceasar!

9. I would miss the hugs and kisses.

10. This is what God desires for our family.

11. My husband does not have a traditional work schedule. If we didn't homeschool, my children would never see their father.

12. The things they are teaching in schools today is C-R-A-Z-Y!! I do not want the government indoctrinating my children.

13. I don't want my children being fed lies, such as our ancestors were monkeys.

14. I want my children to have a Biblical education, one that centers around the Word of God. Text books are great learning tools, but our education MUST be based on the Bible.

15. My family lives in a very protective bubble. I do my best to shelter the hearts of my children. I do not want them learning to curse or do other things that are way  too age inappropriate for them. There were things that went on in my school (I went to elementary school) that wasn't fit for an adult!

16. I wouldn't trust a stranger to care for my children, yet I am expected to send my children off to complete strangers to care for them for hours on end each day.

17. Have you watched the news lately? Between school shootings, kidnappings and teachers coming up molesting these kids schools just simply aren't safe anymore.


(This post will be continually updated.)

High

I have not been the best person at managing my diabetes in the past. This morning I checked my blood sugar and it was over 200 fasting. Um....what???? This is totally not normal for me.  Of course, when my life started going crazy I chose to live in denial instead of facing what was going on with my body.  I am trying to do better now. I always take my medicine at night and I don't wake up high.  I normally wake up low. I checked it mid morning and it is coming down, but it's coming down slowly.


Until I started trying to get healthy a few years ago, I never paid attention to the things my body was telling me in relation to my diabetes.  It is amazing to be able to look and say "hey, I know why I feel this way."  I'm still in the learning process.  The only "high" symptom I had was a headache.


I take Metformin to manage my diabetes.  I am not on insulin so there's nothing I can really do when my blood sugar goes high.  I just have to try to eat healthy and wait it out.  I am thankful that I do not require insulin at this point, but it shoots my anxiety through the roof when I have a day like today. Of course that only helps my blood sugar stay elevated.  It's a vicious cycle.


Blessings,

Mama

Water, Water, Water

Life is pretty much the same from day to day.  I am not exercising.  John's work schedule has changed so I can't go to the gym right now.  I can't go out walking because my kids run off when I try that.  My goal is to make it back to the gym by Labor day, but that's going to take some work on my part.


In the mean time I'm trying to focus on dietary changes.  Yesterday wasn't the greatest but I did make it under my calorie goal, though.  For my birthday this year, my brother got me a gift card to Cracker Barrel.  Yesterday, I treated myself to some fried shrimp. I did manage to drink a gallon of water, though.


So let's talk about water for a minute.  I've heard that you're supposed to drink at least half your weight in water. That would put me at 160 ounces a day.  That sounds like a lot, though.  What are your thoughts?  In the end, I know I'm not drinking enough water and that I need to drink more.  Anything I can do to move more toward that goal would be helpful.  I think that's about all for now.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

That Was Harsh

Well that was wonderful. I stepped on the scales and my weight was 323.2.  Yep.  I am beyond disappointed in myself.  I've got to get my life back in order so I can get back to the gym.

Eleven Years Ago Today

Today was a very special day for me.  It marked the 11th anniversary of mine and my husband's first date.  I woke up this morning before he got home and day dreamed all morning about what I was doing 11 years ago at that very minute.  I remember most of it like it was yesterday.  I remember getting ready for church.  I remember riding to church with my friend James'.  I remember the first time I seen him that morning.  He sat with his arm around me all through service while I fought the urge to puke the whole time. My nerves were going crazy.  

We had a very typical, teenage first date.  We went out to Burger King for lunch.  Then we went to see a movie.  Afterwards, we sat and talked for the longest time before we went back to church for the evening.  I feel in love with him that day.  I knew we would one day be married.  

The past eleven years have had many ups and downs in them.  Mom's health was already declining when I met John.  About seven months after our first date we moved to Georgia so Mom could be closer to my sister.  John came with us, although, that kind of surprised me.  It wasn't long after we arrived that Mama had a heart attack.  Over the course of a month or two she'd had a heart attack, open heart surgery and an amputation.  It was quickly determined that John would need to quit his job to care for her because neither my sister or I could lift her.  Over the next few years he was always willing to do whatever needed to be done.  When we moved back to TN, we made the decision that  he'd go back to work right after our wedding.  He took a night time job so he could be home during the day to transport Mom, now a double amputee and wheelchair bound, to all of her appointments.  I cannot count the number of days he got very little to no sleep.  

Then the  kids came along.  Before we got involved in foster care we had 4 miscarriages and have sense had 3 more.  There were years of fertility treatments.  Tons of parenting classes for foster care.  Endless phone calls and tears with me crying because I was so stressed out.  Through it all he was there with me and was my rock.  

After Mama passed away, I didn't know how I would  make it.  I don't remember a lot from that time, but I remember collapsing in Walgreen's parking lot in tears.  I remember being at the grave yard and refusing to leave.  Everyone was trying to make me get up, but he just put his jacket around me and let me stay until I was ready to go.  He stayed up nights with me as I cried until I could cry no more. He reassured me that, no I would never forget her.  

He has held me when I cried, held my hair as I dealt with the battles of morning sickness, encouraged me when I felt unworthy, and rejoiced with me in the good times.  The last eleven years have held a lifetime of changes.  Most of those changes would've sent any other man running for the hills, yet he has stayed.  That is not to say our marriage is without it's trouble.  We have sure had our share of that, but John has been faithful to be there. In a world that is constantly changing, he is there...even when I don't want him to be. ;-)  

If I could go back and do it all over again, there are a whole lot of things I would change.  People I would've left behind sooner than what I did.  There are relationships I would've severed a lot sooner than I did because they were toxic for my marriage.  Despite the things I would change, one thing is certain - I wouldn't change the life I have built with my husband for anything.  

I seen a quote on facebook the other day that said "I married a sinner and so did my spouse."  I am so glad John has been faithful to love me through my own imperfections.  I really don't know what I would do without him. 

Today, his gift to me was amazing.  He worked last night so when he got home I went to the pharmacy to pick up his medicine and stopped by Walmart.  His anniversary gift from me was a pack of gum.  His gift to me was much more sacrificial.  Even though he was very tired, he knew that I was having a bad day and he let me nap while he stayed awake with the kids.  He made dinner for them tonight so I wouldn't have to.  I realize we've reached the status of "old married couple" now because this is the way we choose to celebrate.  There was nothing he could've given me that meant more than a lazy day at home where I could rest.   

Blessings, 

Mama

Flare

The past two weeks I have felt really good.  I've had a bit of tiredness, but all in all things were pretty good for me.  I was getting really excited.


Today we had some errands to run and had planned to head to Gatlinburg for the day. I should've known better. I woke up and felt like I couldn't move.  All I wanted to do was stay in bed.  That wasn't an option, though. I got up and got a shower, got the kids ready and we were on our way.  By the time I had finished running my errands, I looked at John and told him I jut couldn't make the trip to Gatlinburg.


We decided to try to take the kids to see Turbo.  That didn't go well either.  Jewel-Anne and Isaiah decided they were allergic to sitting in their seats so we got a refund, bought a couple DVDs at Walmart and came home.


I had hoped that I would be able to get to bed early.  It's Saturday so I had to stay up to wake John up for work.  The kids decided that Mama didn't need to rest.  Isaiah fought sleep like crazy tonight.  Jewel-Anne and Liana wouldn't sit still so they went to play in their room for a bit.  It was so past Jewel-Anne's bedtime that she crawled onto my bed and passed out.  Now, Liana is laying on my bed watching Lilo and Stitch.


I have realized I am having a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) flare up.  It's amazing how you don't realize that things are improving until they start to decline again.  I had finally got to the point where I could walk without being out of breath after two steps.  Today, I had John to drop me off at the door of the mall. I didn't even make it across the sidewalk without being winded. While out today, I found that the simplest tasks required way more brain power than usual.


CFS is a monster that does not like to be messed with.  When I try to fight against it, my body rebels against me.  My hope is that this newest flare will be short-lived and I can get back to normal very soon.  I do not have time for this.  There's too much stuff to be done that only I can do.  I'm going to make this week as simple as possible, though. Hopefully, after a couple days of rest things will start to improve.


Blessings,

Mama

Looking Back

Wow, what would I do without facebook for pictures? I am sitting here going back through some of my old ones. How did my babies get so big?  It seems like just yesterday I was nearly in tears because the case worker was late bringing Sam and Landon to us. Then the page turns and it seems like just yesterday since I disrupted everyone's day to help bring Jewel-Anne home. Just yesterday when I called John to tell him he had yet another daughter and Liana came quietly into our lives. (That is the only placement I accepted without discussing it with him). It seems like just yesterday I was sitting at my child's birthday party being torn into because I couldn't see Isaiah yet. Once they let me have him, I held him for hours in the hospital, just the two of us until my sister showed up. Where did the time go and how did my babies get so BIG? Sam is going to be nine in less than a month. Landon is seven. Jewel-Anne and Liana are FOUR and Isaiah is three. How did that happen?

Life isn't always easy, but I am so thankful that God chose me to be their mama. I am still in awe that of all the women He could choose, He thought I was the right one. I feel so ill-equipped sometimes. More times than I care to admit, I am lost in a sea of choices and I don't know if I'm making the right one. I just have to trust that God's grace will cover my mistakes and that my kids will turn out to be well-rounded individuals who love God first and foremost whether it is because of or in spite of me.  But I hope it is because of me.  It is overwhelming to know that every choice I make is shaping the character of these five precious beings.  It fills my heart with joy to see them finally learn something that I have been trying to teach them.  It breaks my heart when they pick up on the bad qualities I have.


The past few weeks have been very stressful in our house.  I have been guilty of not being on top of things like I should.  There are a lot of deep-rotted heart issues going on in our family and I'm struggling with getting to the bottom of them.  Ok, that is a lie.  I am struggling with how to even begin to address them because nothing I have tried so far is working.  Some things I know the cause of.  Some things are pretty easy fixes.  Some things I can't do a thing about.  Then there's the category of things that Mama has no clue how to fix.  It is times like these that I miss my own Mama the most.  I need her wise counsel.  I'm sure she would be as lost as I am, but it makes me feel better to think she would have all the answers.


I am dealing with own issues in the midst of all of this.  I'm sure that doesn't help the issues the kids are going through.  Tonight I started The Love Dare Parent's Edition.  I am hoping that helps me reconnect with my kids and work on my own heart issues.  I want to be the Mama these kids deserve.  Right now I feel a little like I'm sure David did when he stood up against the Giant.


Lord, thank you for the beautiful blessings you have entrusted me with.  I ask that You please forgive me for the times I have failed You.  Please forgive me for all of the times I've strayed from the path that You've set before me and tried to do things my own way.  Please help me to realign my priorities with Yours.  Please help me to show my husband and kids that they come second, only to You.  Forgive me of my selfishness and pride.  Forgive me for taking the lazy way out in the times that You had something better in mind.  Lord I ask that You would give me the wisdom and courage to do what is necessary to win the hearts of my family.  In Jesus Name, Amen.


Blessings,

Lisa

Time for a New Plan

Last year life changed for me when I met my dad.  I started dealing with a bunch of emotional stuff and food became my go-to friend as always. I was barely hanging on to my weight loss plans.  January came and I got the news that the fertility specialist wouldn't work with us and my world fell apart.  My whole reason for wanting to be healthy was for my kids.  My driving force for losing weight was to become pregnant and those dreams came crashing down.  Life started happening and my health went crazy...stress and anxiety are very, very bad for a woman who finds comfort in eating.  When I first started having panic attacks and the doctor thought it was my heart, he told me to come home and "rest as much as possible" until my cardiology appointment.  Here I am, months after seeing the cardiologist, and I've become a huge couch potato.


I have gained back most of my weight (if not more) I lost.  I'm not sure because my scale needs new batteries.  The real eye opener came the other day when my smaller clothes started getting snug and bending over started to hurt again.  My knees and joints hurt.  I am pretty much miserable.  However, I don't have the means to get to the gym and it's too hot to exercise outside.


So how I can I fix my problems?  I'm really not looking for lectures about how I can do things differently.   I know I could go walking with the kids.  I know there are ways I could do this at home.  I also know there is a computer, tv, couch and a bed that far outweigh my desire to exercise.  I need to go back to the gym and start making better food choices. That is really the only this will ever work for me.  I cannot do it at home.  I just can't.


I know I need to be healthy for my living kids. But right now that isn't motivation because I AM here now.  My motivation comes from my desire to get pregnant.  I lost 75 lbs because I wanted to become pregnant. It took me two years to do it but I did it.  It kept me in the area of the straight and narrow.  I didn't always make the best choices, but I made far better ones than I am now.


I love kids and I want a bigger family.  I want to be able to decide whether or not I can have more children and not have to seek approval from the state.  I want this to be able to be a decision between God, my husband and me.  I would love to adopt again in the future, but my desire to be pregnant isn't just about having a child. It's about proving that my body didn't fail me.  All the way through the Bible you read of God blessing couples with children and not just young women either.  There's Sarah who was close to a hundred. There was Hannah who was infertile.  She prayed and believed God for a child and He granted her request. This is a faith thing for me.  I have struggled so hard with knowing that God has the ability to fix this area for me, but knowing that He hasn't yet makes me feel like I must be some horrible person.  Rationally, I know better, but that doesn't change the way I feel.


Because of John's work schedule, he will not be able to watch the kids so I am going to have to find a way for them to have child care while I am at the gym.  I think the gym provides child care, but I will have to look into it.  Anyway, that is where I am right now.  I will try to update more often.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Symptoms

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is classified as

The kind of fatigue sleep cannot cure: Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) is the common name for a group of significantly debilitating medical conditions characterized by persistent fatigue and other specific symptoms that lasts for a minimum of six months in adults (and 3 months in children or adolescents. The fatigue is not due to exertion, not significantly relieved by rest, and is not caused by other medical conditions. Symptoms of CFS include malaise after exertion; unrefreshing sleep, widespread muscle and joint pain, sore throat, headaches of a type not previously experienced, cognitive difficulties, chronic and severe mental and physical exhaustion. Additional symptoms may be reported, including muscle weakness, increased sensitivity to light, sounds and smells, orthostatic intolerance, digestive disturbances, depression, painful and often slightly swollen lymph nodes, cardiac and respiratory problems." 

As I look over these symptoms I realize I am almost a classic textbook case.  Of the above symptoms the only ones I don't have is the  is the sensitivity to light and sounds, fever and depression.  


Mid  to late last year, I started experiencing this "foggy" feeling.  It seemed that no matter what I did I couldn't think clearly and I would get "lost in thought" trying to remember what I was trying to do.  There is a running "joke" between John and I that if I interrupt him that he just lets me talk because I will forget what I am trying to say before he's finished talking.  I can be in mid conversation about something then suddenly can't remember what I was talking about.  While I didn't tell anyone at the time, this is one of the reasons I wanted to have the MRI done.  


It is nice to finally start getting answers, but it's very overwhelming, too.   I kept holding out hope that one day everything will just go away.  While I hold to the faith that God can heal me, I also believe that He will use this to help teach me something or to help others.  Which ever way He decides, I know that way is best.  

So now I am trying to get settled into my new normal.   I am trying to learn to rest when I need to and try not to do too much.  I feel very guilty for not being able to do more, but it isn't for lack of desire.  I am trying to find ways to spend time with those who matter most while still allowing me to remain in a comfortable activity level.  I am having to learn to let go of others expectations of me also.  It is ok to say no - in fact it is healthy.  Those who matter will understand and everyone else will get over it, right? ;-) 

Those are my thoughts.  I will close for now because it's getting closer to bed time and  the kids are going to watch a movie.  


Blessings, 

Mom of Many

How Do I Just Walk Away?

Stepping out in faith is so hard.  Even when you know that God is calling you to something better, you still long to go back to what is familiar.   Facebook can be such a great blessing, but it often makes me long for what was.  I long for the relationships that God delivered me from.  The places and people of yesterday are not bad at all.  God has just led us down a different bath.


I was looking through a friend's photos today.  I seen a lot of pictures of people from our old church.  Some of them I've been blessed to keep in touch with through facebook and others I have a stronger relationship with and I talk to them quite often or we hang out together.  Other people are just a distant memory.


There are times in my life where I long to be that person that everyone likes.  I want to be the popular, Christian who is very outgoing.  I long to be the person who is missed when she doesn't show up for church. I want to fit into the mold to make THAT relationship work because I desire that person's love and affection.    But would I be willing to sacrificed all that I am to get that?  Do I so desperately seek that person/group of people's attention that I am willing to change to fit into their mold of perfect?  I spent many years trying to do just that.  I became very miserable and bitter.


The answers are really easy when you hear God speak.  There was an event that occurred that made us leave our old church.  We don't harbor resentment toward any of them, but it was clear to us that God was calling us in a new direction.  We are very happy in our current church.  Despite everything, I miss those people. They were my church family for over 14 years.  I met nearly all of my friends there.  It's the place I met my husband.  It's the place that every one of my children were dedicated in.  It's the place my son was baptized at.  When it all came down to it and we left, hardly anyone noticed we were gone.  That is sad.


God has called me to something different, though.  At this moment in my life, I am not exactly sure what that is.  Walking away is hard.  Walking away and not looking back is almost impossible for me.   I am a cyber stalker.  It is so easy to check up on those from my past.  It's easy to dwell on what went wrong, why we drifted apart, why God called us to go separate ways.  No matter what happened, the past is the past and I need to leave it there.  I feel like the Israelites as  God led them to the Promise Land.  When they were in the middle of the wilderness and had nothing to trust but God for their provision, how many of them wanted to turn around and go back to the place God had just called them from?  They had a promise straight from God that better things were in store for them, yet they wanted to run back to captivity.  So the question I am trying to answer right now is why do I struggle so hard with wanting to be where I am not wanted?  Why do I struggle to hang onto, and pour into, a relationship that is completely one-sided?  How do I let go and just walk away?


Blessings,

Mom of Many

Yet Another Diagnosis (And An Anniversary)

Let's start out with the good news. The good news is today is the anniversary of the day I met Dad. In fact, as I type this, it is 5 minutes after I first laid eyes on him.  The first meeting was very awkward, but I was in pure bliss just knowing that I was so close to him.  This year has been a wild ride.  I am hoping that the next year brings us even closer together.  I have been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I haven't talked to him in a long time. I hope to find a spare moment to call him this week.  I am so thankful to have him in my life.  I love him and my Bonus Mama so much.


In other news, I went back to the doctor again this morning.  Let's back track for a moment.  Last week, I decided to do something stupid.  I went outside and tried to mow the yard.  I made about two strips into the yard and had to get John to come out and help me back into the house.  I could not walk. I was breathing so hard and my legs felt like they were able to give out under me.  I didn't think I'd make it back into the house. John almost had to carry me.  I immediately made an appointment with the doctor. When I seen him this morning, he said the x-ray they did last time was fine.  I have a rash on my ankle that he gave me some medication for.  He also said at this point he's ready to call what I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  He gave me some medicine to see if this helps and then we'll go from there.


In the mean time I am beat and counting down the minutes until bedtime - only 5 more hours to go. This is seriously crazy.  I want to be able to enjoy my life again.  I am so tired of being tired.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Maam

The Story of The Birthday Cake

Today is Isaiah's birthday. I am a creature of habit and always order the same cake every time changing only the decorations - white cake with whipped white frosting.  I always order the cake from the exact same place.  No one in our extended family likes this cake so we were going to have the cake at home, after lunch.


I walked into the store with my son, wearing his super hero costume he got for his birthday and went to the bakery.  I got the ice cream and told the lady which cake I needed to pick up.  She brought it out and it was bigger than it was supposed to be.  I told her that.  The bakery manager was super nice and let me have the bigger cake at the cheaper price.  We took the cake home and headed to lunch.


After lunch we came home and went to cut the cake.  I noticed it was traditional icing which I cannot stand.  I called the bakery back and they said they'd make me another one.   I sent John to pick it up and left the house to meet him on his way to work.  I got the cake and went home.  We sang happy birthday again and I cut the bigger cake for the kids. When I cut into the smaller (new) cake I found that it was chocolate.  At this point I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  Two different cake and I still didn't get a piece.  I called to ask a friend if they wanted some of the massive amounts of cake.  She declined so I called Stephanie.  Sure, she wanted some.  I went to get diapers to change the littles.  All of a sudden, I here something fall.  My sweet little princess, who has been having birthday envy since April decided to throw the cake on the floor.  It fell out of the box and landed icing first on the floor.


Despite all of this, Isaiah had a fantastic birthday.  I cannot believe my baby is 3.  It seemed like just yesterday I was waiting to hold him.  We knew about him for almost a week before we were able to pick him up from the hospital.  After an unexpected complication, he ended up in the NICU.  I am so thankful for the staff that took care of my baby. The first night, I arrived at the hospital and I held him for the longest time.  Because he was in the NICU, I had to spend the night at the hospital doing all of his care before they would release him.  I sat and snuggled with him for hours.  Later that evening, my sister Kathy brought me a bite to eat and she held him for over an hour.  After that it was just me and him again.  I will never forget our ride home.   He scared me to death.  He didn't like his carseat.  I hadn't gotten even half way home before I had to stop and check on him.  Those first few months, his cry sounded like a little cat's cry.  It freaked me out.  After that I made it home.


I will never forget the first time, he met Liana.  John had all 4 of the other kids while I was at the hospital.  Liana was excited to see Mama until she noticed what I had in my arms.  She was in her high chair eating lunch.  I held Isaiah up for her to see.  She took one look at him and burst into tears.   She couldn't understand why Mama brought another baby home.  I laughed until I cried.  After she realized that Mama and Daddy had enough love for all of them, she latched on to him and became Mama Hen.  Every night before bed, she had to hold him.  It got to the point where he'd arch his back and knock her over.  She still insisted on holding him before bed, though.  All of the kids loved him, but he's always been Liana's little doll.


Isaiah, I love you so much.  I am so glad God chose me to be your mama.  You are my little ray of sunshine. Happy Birthday, Baby Boy!

Another Tired Day

I am having a bad day.  I am so tired it isn't funny.  I am exhausted to the point I can barely function.  I am counting down the hours to bedtime, and it has nothing to do with my children.  I just want to sleep.  I have never known what it feels like to be this tired before and just when I think I couldn't be anymore tired I find that I am.


I feel so guilty for complaining.  My husband works two jobs and never gets the rest he needs.  I feel like I don't have the right to complain about how I feel.  I started the year off with so many fun things I wanted to do with the kids this summer.  Now, I don't know how I will be able to do any of it.


Our anniversary is coming up next month.  There is an Amish play I want to go see.  We have sitters for the kids (thanks to my sisters) and it's the first time we'll actually spend a night alone since we got the kids.  Well, really longer because Mama lived with us before that. I think it's been since 2006.  I am excited about it, but I keep thinking about the long, drive to Indiana and the long drive back.  John and I talked this morning about doing something more local. I know I will regret not going to see this play, though.


I want my life back.  I want to be able to play with my kids more.  I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel energized for the rest of the day.  I want to be able to go to the gym.  I want to be able to enjoy life again.  I want a diagnosis so I can be given a treatment plan for recovery.  I want to be me...


Weight Loss Mama

I Am Tired

This is a blog that I hoped I wouldn't have to write.  I was hoping that we'd have a diagnosis by now and have a plan to solve my problem, but that isn't the case.  I am so tired I can barely move.  I have been on medicines to treat anxiety for almost two months now.  The first medicine didn't help, but this one seems to be.  As the fog of that is lifting, I am seeing more and more that anxiety alone is not the problem.  I will be making another appointment soon to discuss what is going on.


I am tired. I'm not talking about homeschooling-mom-of-five-kids-whose-husband-works-two-jobs tired. I am exhausted. I am sleeping very well at night, yet I still wake up tired. I do alright the first couple hours of the day, but after that I am ready to go back to bed. If I have anything planned for the day then it speeds up the process.  John has taken over cooking again.  He makes sure I have something easy or already prepared for dinner.  The kids and I have been watching a bunch of movies and chilling at home most of the time.  It's not ideal, but you do what you have to do.


I am 29 years old.  Life shouldn't be like this.  Something is wrong with me, but so far we haven't found what it is.  This goes far beyond the anxiety issue.  From that standpoint, I'm doing really well.  My thyroid was tested earlier this year, but it was fine.  With a family history of thyroid cancer, my doctor keeps a close eye on that.  I have been watching my blood pressure and it is also fine.  I desperately want to feel better.   I want the energy to be able to play with my kids and have fun.  I want to be able to be the mom I was before all this started.


Weight Loss Mama

Doctor Visits

Wednesday, I went back to the doctor.  The anxiety medicine he put me on last month did not help.  In fact, it made things worse.  I went from feeling anxious to being depressed and couldn't think straight.  I was having bad headaches again, especially when I would lay down at night.  The cloudy feeling was normal from what I understand.  At least, that's what the pharmacist said.  Still, it wasn't working for me.  I got to the point that I didn't feel safe driving.  I was crying a lot, too.  He switched my medicine and now I only take it once a day.  I am taking it at night so if there's any foggy feeling, I'll sleep through it.


They weighed me at the doctors.  I am not happy with the results.  I am a stress eater.  When the doctors started mentioning things like Congestive Heart Failure, heart problems, and the bad news from the fertility specialist was just enough to make me stop caring.  I didn't watch my diet and I haven't worked out in months.   That was a recipe for weight gain.  Right now, I just feel like I can't get up and go.  Hopefully, once my medicine starts to work I will feel more like a human again and can start exercising like I should.


I am forcing myself to slow down and to really pay attention to my body.  I am learning some of the triggers of the anxiety.  If I can figure them out then I can work on controlling my body's reaction to that stress.  It isn't fun worrying about everything and that is where I am right now. I just don't feel like I am good enough to measure up to anyone's standards.  I have to stop comparing myself to others if I want to feel better.


Yesterday, I got out of the house for a bit.  While I was driving, I heard a sermon on the life of Jesus.  The minister was talking about how it is prideful to compare ourselves to others.  He said our measuring stick should be Jesus.  Are we living up to HIS standard?  That really spoke to me.  I am trying to remember that when I want to start being so critical on myself.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

A Year Later

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my first conversation with Dad.  I remember that like it was yesterday.  It took almost two weeks from the time I started looking for him until I finally got a hold of him.  That first phone call was so scary.  It took 5 more weeks for us to finally meet, but it was the start of it all.


A lot of things have changed over the last year.  I am starting to get to know my Dad.  I have tried to give Dad the space he needed to process all of this, so things haven't progressed as much as I'd like.  I take comfort in knowing that God is in control of this situation and everything will work according to His Glory.


One thing I didn't count on was the relationship that would develop between his wife and me.  She was so accepting of my entrance to her world.  She has done nothing but show me an example of Christ's love.  No one will ever replace my Mama, but I have gladly give this lady the title of my Bonus Mama.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful lady in my life.


I have been blessed to do what a lot of people in my position never get to do.  No matter what happens, I am thankful that God gave me the opportunity to know these two incredible people.  I am a very blessed lady!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

A New Diagnosis

Oh the changes over the last 4 months.  This year started out so promising.  We had insurance.  We were going to try to have a baby.  Things were really looking up.  Then, we got bad news from the doctor.  He wouldn't even try to help us conceive.  My PCP tried to help us and that ended abruptly when I had a reaction to the birth control pills to try to regulate my period.  From there it just went crazy.  I spent most of January either in the doctor's office or the ER.  The doctor thought I had a heart problem.  That turned into the thought that I had GERD.  The ER had already ruled out any lung issues.  Finally, after 4 months they have decided to treat me for anxiety issues.  The doctor called in some meds that I started yesterday.  So far I am not liking the side effects.  Yesterday, I spent most of the day feeling like my head was in the clouds.  I called the pharmacist that confirmed my side effects were normal.  Today, I woke up so weepy.  I couldn't look at anyone or start talking without crying like crazy.  I finally ended up having an asthma attack before all was said and done. I know it will take a while for the medicine to take effect so we have to wait it out.


Life has been the same for so long I didn't think there was any way I could possibly have anxiety issues.  It made no sense why everything came on all at once either.  I guess my body had just had enough stress.  This has been difficult to swallow.  Aunt Flossie took "nerve pills" but I never new exactly what they were for.  Mom had some issues with depression and anxiety and was treated for it.  I am not sure why this diagnosis was so hard for me to swallow.  I just feel like I am broken person.  I have this whole list of things that made this so hard to accept.  I have many friends who struggle with emotional issues and I don't think less of them at all.  I have always been more critical on myself than I am others, though. There is so much swirling through my head, but I am just not ready to put it on paper.  I have always forced myself to be honest on this blog.  It was my way to hold myself accountable.  So I have written this entry to do just that.


I want to thank those who have prayed for me, for those who are in my inner circle and given me support, to those who have been my sounding board and those who are always there when I need you.  I appreciate it more than you will ever know.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Big Day

Today was a big day for our family, though. Sam lost another tooth. We were getting ready to leave to go to my friend Amy's house. This tooth had been loose for about a month, but it was so small I couldn't pull it. He grinds his teeth so most of the tooth was gone. I finally wrapped some fishing line around it and pulled it. It look almost 10 minutes to do. I don't know who cried more - Sam or me. I am extra emotional right now as I started my cycle this week.


We have officially begun Birthdaypalooza at our house. Everyone in our family has a birthday between March and August. Mom's and Aunt Flossie's are in March. We still celebrate their birthdays. Landon, John and Jewel-Anne will celebrate their birthdays this month. Isaiah's is in May. June is our anniversary as well as Liana and my birthdays. Sam's is the last one and his is in August. By August, I am sick of birthday cake! Landon's birthday is next so we are planning his Mommy Date for his special day. In our family they get a party/family dinner (usually a combined party for the month) and then we have a special day on their birthday. Landon wants Chinese food so I will honor his request.

Happy Birthday Aunt Flossie

Happy Birthday to one of the greatest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Today, my Aunt Flossie would be turning 96.  Up until about a year before she died, she was the fiestiest, most able bodied person I knew.  At 90+ years I would've put her up against ANYONE I know.  She grew up in a day when people truly believed that if you didn't work, you didn't eat.


I have so much respect for this great lady.  She helped raise me when I was young.  When I was in public school she is the one who made me breakfast and met me when I got off the bus.  She taught me most of what I knew about God.  There was no one more faithful than she was.  Of all the good things I am today, she is responsible for a lot of them.


Happy Birthday, Aunt Flossie!!! I miss you more than I thought was possible.  Thank you for all you gave to me - the time and the love you sowed into my life.  I have no doubt that your mansion in glory is spectacular because of all the good you did here on earth. I love you!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

When the Warm Fuzzies Fly South for the Winter

A few moments ago I found a link to a blog that talked about some hard issues.  The author was an adoptive mama of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder - RAD. http://lisa-overcomingmyself.blogspot.com/2011/07/to-mothers-of-unattached-children.html.  I felt like I could've written her post word for word.  My reply to her inspired this blog post.


When we started our journey into foster care, I was such a broken person.  I had already experienced five miscarriages.  I thought I would never be a Mama to earth blessings.  As much as I wanted to save the world, selfishly I wanted to fulfill my own desires to be a mama.  I started out with all these warm fuzzy feelings, but they not my reality most days.  Foster parenting is hard, but it has its own rewards.  I wouldn't change my life for the world, because I love my children, but it is HARD. The moment they bring the child into your home, you have hopes of helping that child heal.  You do your best to help them and finally adoption day comes.  I think every adoptive parent experiences that sigh of relief when everything is final.


What happens when the warm fuzzies fly south for the winter?  What happens when your beloved darling turns into the incredible hulk and you hear things coming out of their mouth that would make the toughest, emotionless man melt into a puddle of tears?  What do you do then?


The first time I heard "I hate you! I don't want to live with you. I want to go live with my birth parents. You don't love me." come one child's mouth I locked myself in my room and cried like a teenage girl who had lost her first boyfriend to a cheerleader.  I had done all I could do to help my children understand that they are loved.  I have tried to make adoption this really beautiful thing for my children.  Their stories don't include all the bad things that happened prior to us. When they ask why they can't live with their birth parents we give them age appropriate facts, but we always try to reassure to them that they are exactly where God wants them to be right now.  I tell them often that I feel blessed to be their Mama and I do.  Out of all the women in the world, God could've easily chosen someone else. Despite all of my hard work to show them how much we love them, my child was screaming words no child should ever say, but most do.  Now it's something I hear on a weekly basis.  Every time this child doesn't get his way, the attack starts.  I am sad to say that I have finally gotten accustomed to this battle of tongue.  Well, as much as any mother could get used to those heart breaking words spewing from her child's mouth.


I have found that my journey is a very lonely one.  Most people do not understand what it feels like to hear your child act this way so often.  Everyone means well when they try to reassure you that everything will be fine, but they don't realize that they are telling me that my feelings are completely wrong or that I shouldn't take things so personally.  In the times that I don't allow something to get to me or react in a way that doesn't give in to the child's tantrums then I am judged then too.  Because of this I have closed myself off to many people.  I can be friendly with almost anyone, but I don't allow very many people inside.  It is hard to handle other's criticism when I am struggling to help my child.  It's one thing to parent when you don't have all the answers.  It's quite another when you feel like you don't have ANY of the answers.


I have found that the solutions are as numerous as there are children.  As frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, I have learned that this road is something that my family has to travel together.  No one has the answers.  We will discover them as we go - together.  And that is ok.  Until then, we pray for spring.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

There's an App for That

So I had a crazy moment a few minutes ago. I had checked my blood sugar but didn't have a pen to journal it.  When I got back with the pen I picked up my phone and couldn't figure out why I couldn't find my blood sugar. A couple minutes later I realized I had my phone and not my glucose monitor.


That got me to thinking, "Is there an app for that?"  There really is!  Google Play Store has several apps for glucose monitoring.  I found three that were free.  If you are looking for something to make tracking a bit easier, there you go!

Waiting

I haven't written in a while because I didn't want to express my feelings in such a public way right now.  So far 2013 has sucked!  I am so tired of my life being so up in the air.  I feel like I am a prisoner in my own body and it won't stop failing me.  Every time I try to do much more than sit still, I am reminded why I was sitting in the first place.  My body starts to rebel.  My heart races.  My chest hurts.  My littles have picked up a lovely habit of running out the door or running off while we are trying to get from the house to the car.  I cannot chase them.  Thank God the boys can catch them for me.  What kind of Mama does that make me?


I have had my echo and stress test done.  I made it to the third stage of stress test and had to stop.  The machine was going so fast I couldn't keep up with it.  I felt bad enough until she told me that she was about to stop  me anyway because I was having episodes of tachycardia. Then, I felt worse.  I am 29 and I am falling apart.


Emotionally, I am spent.  I hadn't heard anything from the cardiologist and since my appt wasn't until March, I called him. Once he looked at my test results he moved my appointment up with his nurse practitioner.  I want answers but I am scared to find out what the answers will be.  No matter what happens I just want the reassurance that I will live to raise my babies. I would love to live to a nice old age, but my main goal is to live to raise my babies.  That statement makes me want to throw up though.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard my mama tell the story where she said the same thing to her mama.  Mamaw told her "you'll live to raise that baby."  That is about all she lived, though.  That's just not enough for me.


I just want to sit down and cry for a really long, long time.  I spent so much time trying to get healthy and all of this had to start happening.  I just want to get back to the gym.  I need a way to work off all of this negative energy.  I need to turn my MP3 player up to "evil 11" and forget my troubles while I slay a beast.  I need some time where I can just forget everything and just relax.  For now, I am here nursing a headache and counting the minutes until bedtime so I can sleep.  I am soooooo tired anymore.


Blessings,


Weight  Loss Mama

Cycles...TMI

I started my cycle today.  That makes my last cycle 24 days long.  A normal cycle is 28 days long.  Normal for me is 45-60 days long these days.  Not sure what is up.  For those reading this wondering why I am putting such private info online, I use this blog to help me track things.  I have looked back several times to see a pattern in different things. Anyway, there you go.

Tomorrow Is The Day

Tomorrow is my appointment with the cardiologist.  I will also have my MRI done tomorrow to make sure everything is going well with my shunt.  The MRI doesn't worry me at all.  For some reason, I have perfect peace about the head stuff.  It's the heart stuff that worries me.


Today, I have been sitting on the border of Heaven on Earth and Hell on Earth.  My life could change in a mighty way tomorrow.  As much as I'd like to say that I have the faith to  know that my body is whole, I don't.   I am very scared.  I have played the "what if" game all day with myself.  I realize I am probably worrying over nothing, but should something be wrong tomorrow there is so much stuff I will have to think of and decide.  I know the One who can make me whole, though. 


This morning I took a few minutes to get out of the house and grab a bite of lunch.  While I was sitting there the song "Life Like You Were Dying" came on the radio.  I have never liked that song because it is such a sad, sad song.  Most people see it as a happy song because he was finally able to do all of the stuff he'd been putting off.  When I hear that song I think "How on earth could I possibly cram enough memories into such a short amount of time to last my kids a lifetime?"  Things change when you are a parent.  Perhaps I'm just weird, but that is where my mind goes.


I shared my thoughts with someone today and that person looked at me and said "don't you have any faith?"  I pray that God protects them from anything serious ever happening to them because I don't want them to have to understand what it feels like to be faced with what I am facing. I am struggling so hard right now and didn't really need to be kicked when I am down.  Yes, I have faith.  I know that whatever comes my way tomorrow that God is to be praised for it.  If He chooses to allow me to be sick to bring Him glory then so be it.  If He chooses to heal me in my sleep tonight and I never have any other problems again then so be it.


On another note, my poor husband has had to endure much of what he doesn't want to talk about.  To discuss these things when we are going through something potentially major makes the topic that much more real. We have put off talking about the hard stuff because it's never fun to face.  There are decisions that need to be made no matter what the outcome is.  We purchased burial plots when Mom passed away  so that is settled.  As for funeral arrangements, I could care less.  Put me in a pine box if you wish.  I don't want to be cremated.  There's also a certain funeral home I don't want to go to.  Other than that, it doesn't matter to me.    We need to make out a will.  We need to decide who should get the kids should both of us pass before they are grown.  That is the hardest thing.  Five kids are a lot to take on.  As parents we do our best to make the right choices for our kids.  We would want our children to continue to homeschool and to go to be raised in a Christ-centered home.  There are just a lot of factors that go into choosing someone, but I know that no one would do it exactly as I would.  More than anything I just want someone who would help our kids remember us and who would take good care of them.  There are a couple small things I have that I would want the kids to have when they get older.  It's simply decisions that need to be made regardless because none of us are promised tomorrow.  I want to make sure my wishes are known.


I think this might possibly be my most depressing blog yet.  Yay me.  Anyway, I will update more tomorrow, or whenever I know more.  Thank you everyone for the prayers.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

And So The Saga Continues...

Sunday, as I was taking John to work, I started having a stabbing pain in my heart area.  That scared me bad enough that I got my sister to keep the kids and I went to the ER.  The ER doctor said I was too young to be having heart problems.  He assured me I was fine and sent me home.


Today started out super early.  John had to come home two hours early in order for me to get everywhere I needed to be in time.  The neurosurgeon I seen has been at the same for the last three decades.  I went to that hospital and walked around to find that he had moved to another hospital.  When I finally made it to the correct hospital I was in such a hurry I forgot to notice where I parked so I searched for 30 minutes to find my van when I came out.


Neurosurgeon has ordered an MRI for next Tuesday. I also have my cardiology appointment this day.  Dermatologist said nothing was "remarkable." PCP said "It is heart related until we prove otherwise. I don't believe it's stress. It's not your gall bladder either.   Apparently, they did lab work concerning my gall bladder and it was normal as well. The doctor gave me a lovely little present to take home for 24 hours. It is itchy and scratchy and I hate it! He is making me wear a heart monitor.  He had the nurse to check my blood pressure sitting and standing. Apparently it is supposed to go down when you stand up. Mine did the opposite of that, though! Go figure! The thought of my body doing what it is supposed to do is kind of laughable at this point.


The doctor told me that heart problems at my age are almost always electrical versus plumbing issues. Apparently, that is supposed to bring me comfort.  I guess it does in a way, but at the same time, heart issues are still super scary.  The fear of that surely isn't helping my blood pressure none.  He is putting me on a mild blood pressure pill and wants me to take it until I see the cardiologist.  He said that they would decide from there whether I would continue taking it or not.


So that's the story.  Still no answers, but I will be having an MRI next week.  Hopefully, I'll be having the echo-cardiogram as well.  In the mean time we sit and wait.  2013 really needs to shape up.  I hope that the rest of my year doesn't look as lovely as the first couple months are!


One really cool thing happened today, though.  While I was at the neurosurgeon's office, I was reading one of Wanda Brunstetter's books.  While I was getting checked in one of the office ladies noticed the book.  We had a good conversation about Amish fiction writers.  I introduced her to Beth Wiseman and Amy Clipston too.


It's almost bedtime here so I need to go.  John is going to try to get a nap before work because we have a second round of appointments tomorrow.  Thank God, none of those are for me!  Those are all big boy appointments.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Cycles

And just like that...as if I didn't have ENOUGH going on...my wacky body decided to start my period! Hopefully it will be a light one...It is time to get up for church and I'm sitting here cramping.  I just want to go back to sleep!

The past cycle was 47 days long.  That makes 8 cycles since I started getting healthy.  Of all times for my body to start to regulate itself.  If only this could've happened years ago! Of course this is ME we're talking about.  I don't do anything when I'm supposed, too.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

God Will Make a Way

God Will Make A Way
By Janet Paschal

Must have felt strange to end up stranded between an army and the seaThey must have felt forsaken wondering why God wasn't all He said He'd beWhen your back's against the wallIt's the hardest place of allBut somewhere between provisions and impossibility

God will make a wayWhen there seems to be no wayForever He is faithfulHe will make a roadWhen you bear a heavy loadI know, God will make a way

When a wall of circumstances leaves you crying in the nightAnd you struggle til your strength is almost goneGod will gently hold you in the shelter of His heartAnd carve a road for you to carry on.So carry on




Thanks to all of my babies I have lost a lot of my CDs.  They have either been broken or truly lost.  This morning I was really blessed when Isaiah came through the door carrying my MP3 player.  As I went through it searching for some healing music, I came across Bill and Gloria Gaither's Hawaiian Homecoming. This was always one of my favorites.  I found the above song on this CD.  It has such a beautifully, soothing melody to it.  It is so comforting. 


As I sang to the top of my lungs with the music, I noticed myself getting out of breath far quicker than usual.  I looked around at my precious babies.  It saddens and scares me to not be able to pick up my kids right now.  I hate being stuck in bed most of the time.  I have struggled a lot with what God is trying to teach me through this.  I know He has a reason for all of this.  All I keep thinking is that last Tuesday, God wasn't surprised by any of this.  He knew about it before it happened.  He knows what the outcome will be.  He knows what the treatment will be.  


It is really hard not to go to the bad place of what might be when I think of all that is going on with me.  I watched my Mama struggle for years with heart problems.  I woke up many nights with her walking the floor because she couldn't get any relief for the pain she was feeling.  Then I remember how angry I was when she died because she chose not to take care of herself.  Here I am trying to do what is best for my body so I can live a long life to raise my babies.  I want to do more than just raise my babies.  I want to live to see my great, great grandchildren.  I realize that may sound really dramatic to most people, especially since I haven't seen the doctor yet.  I am just being honest here.  It is where my mind wants to wonder.  That is why I am comforted by songs such as this.  God has promised that He will be with me and that HE will make a way for me to get through this. 


When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you. Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored, And I have loved you; Therefore I will give men for you, And people for your life. - Isaiah 43:2 & 4 NKJV

Blessings,  


Weight Loss Mama