Tomorrow is my appointment with the cardiologist. I will also have my MRI done tomorrow to make sure everything is going well with my shunt. The MRI doesn't worry me at all. For some reason, I have perfect peace about the head stuff. It's the heart stuff that worries me.
Today, I have been sitting on the border of Heaven on Earth and Hell on Earth. My life could change in a mighty way tomorrow. As much as I'd like to say that I have the faith to know that my body is whole, I don't. I am very scared. I have played the "what if" game all day with myself. I realize I am probably worrying over nothing, but should something be wrong tomorrow there is so much stuff I will have to think of and decide. I know the One who can make me whole, though.
This morning I took a few minutes to get out of the house and grab a bite of lunch. While I was sitting there the song "Life Like You Were Dying" came on the radio. I have never liked that song because it is such a sad, sad song. Most people see it as a happy song because he was finally able to do all of the stuff he'd been putting off. When I hear that song I think "How on earth could I possibly cram enough memories into such a short amount of time to last my kids a lifetime?" Things change when you are a parent. Perhaps I'm just weird, but that is where my mind goes.
I shared my thoughts with someone today and that person looked at me and said "don't you have any faith?" I pray that God protects them from anything serious ever happening to them because I don't want them to have to understand what it feels like to be faced with what I am facing. I am struggling so hard right now and didn't really need to be kicked when I am down. Yes, I have faith. I know that whatever comes my way tomorrow that God is to be praised for it. If He chooses to allow me to be sick to bring Him glory then so be it. If He chooses to heal me in my sleep tonight and I never have any other problems again then so be it.
On another note, my poor husband has had to endure much of what he doesn't want to talk about. To discuss these things when we are going through something potentially major makes the topic that much more real. We have put off talking about the hard stuff because it's never fun to face. There are decisions that need to be made no matter what the outcome is. We purchased burial plots when Mom passed away so that is settled. As for funeral arrangements, I could care less. Put me in a pine box if you wish. I don't want to be cremated. There's also a certain funeral home I don't want to go to. Other than that, it doesn't matter to me. We need to make out a will. We need to decide who should get the kids should both of us pass before they are grown. That is the hardest thing. Five kids are a lot to take on. As parents we do our best to make the right choices for our kids. We would want our children to continue to homeschool and to go to be raised in a Christ-centered home. There are just a lot of factors that go into choosing someone, but I know that no one would do it exactly as I would. More than anything I just want someone who would help our kids remember us and who would take good care of them. There are a couple small things I have that I would want the kids to have when they get older. It's simply decisions that need to be made regardless because none of us are promised tomorrow. I want to make sure my wishes are known.
I think this might possibly be my most depressing blog yet. Yay me. Anyway, I will update more tomorrow, or whenever I know more. Thank you everyone for the prayers.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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