As If My Life Wasn't Crazy Enough

So Friday evening my cell phone rings and it's my landlord.  We have a wonderful relationship with this man.  We have come to know and love him like family.  I have known him six years.  John has known him a bit longer though.  I remember the Christmas our heat went out and he spent Christmas morning crawling up under my house (his house, but we rent it) when he should've been spending time with his family.  That morning I shared some of my testimony with him and it really changed both of our lives.  This man is the man who helped guide us toward our journey to become foster parents.  I will forever be thankful for him every time I look into the eyes of my children.  


Anyway, I am getting off topic.  He called me Friday and he started sharing about how he is looking to cut back his hours at work and he shares some more things with me.  For the first ten minutes or so I was beginning to wonder if he realized he'd called me and not someone else.  He finally tells me he's hired someone to help take over the "grunt" work of the business but needs someone to run the business.  Since John as been looking for a job I assumed he was going to offer the position to him.  Then he tells me how much he trusts and respects me and would like to offer me the position.  After I managed to pick my jaw off the front porch, we talked a bit more.  He asked me to pray about it and said the position would be waiting on me when I was ready to give him my answer. 


I prayed all weekend, but knew from the moment I hung up that I would take the position.  I will have a home office.  I can work and still take care of my kids.  This job works around my schedule.  Thanks to technology, I can take my job with me anywhere I go.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't scary.  I am moving into a position I have never been in before.  Taking on more responsibility, which means more chaos.    So as if my life wasn't crazy enough now I am the work-at-home-homeschooling-mom to 12 precious children! 


Have you ever had one of those moments when God gave you something that you didn't even know you needed/wanted?  This was definitely one of those God things!  I am thankful that God is always watching out for me.  As the McKamey's say "Look ahead! Here comes Jesus right on time!"


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Month 7 - July Photos

July 2012 Photos


Down 76 lbs now.  It feels really good.  Excuse the expressions.  I am tired.

Sermons and Crazy Underwear Stories

For the first time in MONTHS, my family and I went to church AND I stayed through the entire sermon!!!  WSie left about 5 minutes early, but we made it!  I haven't heard a pastor preach a sermon since I went to church with my friend Stephanie a few months ago.  It was a very nice treat.  The day over all has been pretty good, too.


This weekend we went laundry crazy.  I hate doing laundry so I put it off until I can no longer put it off.  John took over the chore, but he doesn't do it the way I like.  So this weekend we sat down and we have washed about 8 loads.  It feels like we have a million more to go, but we'll get there...Maybe...LOL


Somehow Mama's clothes keep showing up in my laundry, though.  I think her clothes have been washed about 50 times since she died 4 years ago.  Even though I pack it all away, it still keeps reappearing.  So this morning I was getting dressed for church and as I was putting on my underwear, I noticed they were tight.  What was going on here? I knew I hadn't gained THAT much weight.  I looked at the size and they were a pair of Mom's size 10!!!  I am completely weirded out about other people's underwear, but these looked brand new.  I think I had washed them so they would be put back in her stuff...Anyway, now I can be the crazy underwear lady.


So now that you know my crazy little secret, let's focus on what I just said....MY behind is covered in size 10 fabric.  Yesterday was our "dating anniversary."  We have been together for 10 years.  I haven't worn size 10 since we've been together.  I am so used to buying the same sizes I always have and hiding in "clothing tents" that it really amazes me when I see smaller sizes. 


This mama is tired and my DVR has tonight's Army Wives waiting on me so I must go for now.  May God surround you with His love always!


Blessings


Weight Loss Mama

So Tired

I Made It - Becky Fender

But I want to tell you how I make it
Through those days both good and bad
Whether I'm up or whether I'm down
Whether I'm happy or whether I'm sad
How I keep a smile upon my face when my heart breaks into
I remember the promise He made to me
Come what may You'd see me through

And I will make it because God is on my side
I can take it, for in Him I'll run and hide
This will not shake me
My foundation is tried and true
This will not break me
I won't give up, I'm going through.


Today was a day that the calm in the midst of the storm.  I am thankful for that.  I needed that.  I am grateful that my Father provides what I need when I truly need it.


The battle I am facing is one of the biggest I have ever faced, but I know I can make it.  It is heart-breaking, but I know the choices I am making are the right ones.  I would be a liar if I said I had all the answers, but God confirmed that I am doing what is best.


The stress I am under is showing physically.  Emotionally and physically, I am spent.  This isn't what I thought it would be. I didn't ask for this, but it is what it is and I must face it like the woman of God I am. I will boldly face each challenge as it comes because of Christ who is within me. I will make it because God is on my side.

He's Never Too Far From Wherever You Are

Wherever You Are - The Martins

You are standing
At a crossroad
Wondering which road you should take
And you're dreading
The decision
And a possible mistake
But the will of God won't lead you
Where the grace of God can't keep you
You will never be out of His care
Remember that the Lord's already there

(chours)
Wherever you are
Wherever you're going
God is right there beside you
Seeing and knowing
Wherever you go
He already knows
What lies ahead and what's behind
You'll always find He's never too far
From wherever you are

You are waiting
To hear thunder
And see lightening in the sky
Oh, but God can
Work His wonders
Through a still small voice inside
Just keep listening and learning
And continue on your journey
Following the One who is the way
He's the only road you need to take

(chorus)




The past two weeks have been full of ups and downs.  I have tried to be silent and reflect on what God is trying to teach me through all of it.  I have spent a lot of time nestled in His Word begging for wisdom.  To be honest, I am still not sure what His plan is for all of this.   I am struggling hard to figure it all out, but trusting that He will see me through it all.  This place I am in isn't a comfortable place.  I am in a position where I am having to put aside what I want and do what is necessary. 


I sit here and I wait.  I wait to hear God speak.  I wait to hear His directions.  I wait to move.  Then I put one foot in front of the other.  That is all I can do at this point.  I just keep moving, knowing that the One who loves me most is right there with me.  I will never be able to take a step that He hasn't already made. 


The lyrics above are to one of my favorite songs.  They became even more real to my life when mom died.  When chaos reigned and I questioned what God's purpose was for taking my mom away from me.  God was there to see me through it though.  He is always faithful to see me through the tough situations.  He carries me when I am too tired to stand.  He rejoices with me I am strong enough to walk on my own.  "The will of God won't lead you where the grace of God can't keep you."


My heart is heavy tonight, but I know He will carry all of my burdens.  This is a unique place for me because I am used to being in control of  my life and always knowing what my next move will be.  Apparently, foster care taught me NOTHING. I ask that you will join me in prayer that I won't make one step without being in God's perfect will for me.  Please pray that God will remove my fears and help me to stand strong.


Thank you to each of my friends and family who are there for me. To those who have, and will continue to, lifted me up in prayer.  I feel your prayers.



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

July Weigh-In

Yesterday I went to clinic to get my prescription and weigh in. Please keep in mind that my last weigh in was only 3 weeks ago, so not quite a full month. The clinic weighed me something different and because of that I have decided to only track what I weigh when I weigh at the gym. Clinic keeps changing their scales on me so I cannot get an accurate weight. I have done super well for the last 3 weeks. I am very proud of myself.

Date: July 13, 2012

Weight: 290

Resting Heart Rate (See below for instructions): 84

Circumference Measurements (See below for instructions):

Neck: 16.5 inch (Same)

Waist: 56.25 inch  ( - 1.25 inch)

Hips: 61 inch  ( - 2.5 inch)

Thigh: 49 inch  ( - .5 inch)

Chest: 50 inch  (Same)

Blessings,


Weigh Loss Mama

Busy, Busy Week!

This week has been full of life and it's only begun.  Saturday, the AC in my van went out.  We were all miserable on the ride home.  My sister tried to add coolant, but that didn't work.  Today, I took it to the mechanic to have it looked at. After about an hour, they said the coolant fan was bad so it would have to be replaced.  I will take it in on Friday and after an insane amount of money they will fix my vehicle.  I am very thankful that we've found a good mechanic that doesn't try to cheat us.  With us both not knowing much about vehicles, it's nice to know we've found someone who will take the time to explain things to us and make sure he does right by us. 


Sunday, we skipped church because I was worried about driving the kids in the heat.  That evening we spent with my family celebrating my sister Kathy's birthday.  The kids had a great time.  Dinner was lovely.  It was nice seeing everyone. 


Yesterday, we had our first day of school for the 2012-2013 school year.  Yes, I know it's July.  Yes, I'm aware that most will be out another month.  We choose to homeschool through the hotter months, though.  We take off time in the cooler months when we can enjoy being outdoors.  We also take a month off for Christmas.  Christmas is always a hard time for all of us so we take some extra time off then. School is going well.  The kids love science.  Math, Language and Reading are things they wish I'd let them do without, but the rest of it they are loving.  Tomorrow, we will crack into the health and history.  The boys love learning about the body and all things in history.  Those have always been their favorite subjects. 


This evening I spent some time with Stephanie.  I love her to death.  What a blessing it is when God sends those people in your life who encourage and strengthen you; who aren't afraid to call you out when you go too far out of reality; who are only a phone call away when you need them.  Friends like that are hard to come by and I am so thankful for the ones he's placed in my life.  We spent the evening chatting about life and things we are going through right now.  Until I met Stephanie, I NEVER went out with friends.  I did when I was younger but not since motherhood.  She's brought me out of my shell.  She's been with me through many ups and downs.  God thank you for my friends!


I haven't been to the gym this week.  I am planning to go tomorrow.  It seems life keeps getting in the way.  I need to be able to settle back into a routine that gives me the motivation to make time for my life in the midst of all of the chaos.  I have to get back to the business side of living.  I am ready to see 270, but that won't happen unless I journey into the land of The Beast!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Yes It Was Worth It

Today started out early.  John had a job interview at 10.  We left the house before he had time to get breakfast.  My cravings started since I hadn't ate breakfast.  I don't normally eat breakfast, but I'm pretty good at avoiding temptations too.  Chick-Fil-A buscuit, a small fry and a soda.  Yes, more than half of my calories were gone for the day.  It was good, though.   One of the things that I have learned is that there are times when it IS totally worth the calories I pay to indulge in my cravings.  We are starting into month seven.  This is the longest I have ever stuck with a dietary change. Obviously, I'm doing something right.  All praise and glory belong to God though.


I had told the kids if they behaved while John was in his interview that they'd get a surprised.  We managed to have pretty decent behavior so they got their treat - lunch at CiCi's Pizza!  While we were on vacation we went to CiCi's for lunch one day.  I found out that they do low carb bowls.  This is awesome for me because I prefer toppings over the crust anyway.  It was delicious!  I had a salad, one slice of their thin crust garlic and veggie pizza and a low carb bowl.  All for under 500 calories.  Now if you are adding this up I am out of calories unless I go to the gym.


We get home and life happened.  Laundry had to be done.  The boys were working on some stuff they needed to finish before we start school Monday. (Yes, you read that right!) I didn't get out of the house until nearly five.  Because of the holiday, Clinic was closed on Wednesday.  When I stopped to get my shot, there were 7 people ahead of me.  A trip that normally would take me less than 5 minutes ended up taking nearly 45 minutes.  By the time I got out, I was no longer in the mood for the gym so I got dinner and headed home.


Dinner was supposed to be a salad from Subway.  Now I felt awful for not going to the gym and decided that I would splurge for dinner and got nachos from Taco bell and Dim Sum.  I ended up going almost 800 calories over.  I knew I would go over, but I needed to SEE it.  One of my biggest stumbling blocks wasn't cheating on my diet.  It was cheating on my food journals.  I will have days when I fall, but the important thing is that I get back up. Now if I had chosen to have my salad, I would've been FINE with my calories.  I thought about things for a while before I pulled into Taco Bell's drive-thru.  To me it was worth it. 


Tomorrow is a new day, though.  I will get back up on the trail and march on.  I am not discouraged because I know this isn't the end.  It is merely a bump in the road. 


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

The Bad Days Will Come...

Today was a very rotten, no good day.  John worked last night and I didn't sleep well.  The morning went fine until about I got out of bed. ;-) Then, the problems started.  I didn't want my mood to effect everyone else so I stayed gone most of the day. 


I decided to go to the movies to see Just Like Us.  From the description of the movie, it sounded like something up my alley.  I had seen previews for it before.  It is about this man whose father dies and he finds out that he has a sister he never knew of.  Dad leaves instructions for him to give the sister a gift, but things get complicated as the movie goes on.  It sounded kind of similar to my story.  Mom dies...I find Dad...yadda, yadda.  As the movie progressed you realize how bad movie dad really is.  Neither of my parents were/are bad people so then the movie just kind of made me angry.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  There was a quote in the movie that really spoke to me.  The daughter in this movie said something to the effect of "You know, you always ask what it was that YOU did to make them choose this. Why is it that we never ask what THEY did?"  I am totally the person who takes blame and judgement (self inflicted and other wise) for the choices of others.  Why wasn't I good enough?  Oh if only I had done this....well what if I do this will...


I sat in the parking lot crying until my eyes hurt.  I texted my husband a few times and my poor friend Stephanie (sorry, Steph!).  I began questioning a lot of things and going to that no-so-happy place.  I drove to Staples.  I tried to compose myself before I walked in, but my efforts were in vain.  It seemed that everything I looked at made me cry.  Notebooks, pens, computer software.  I am sure the cashier thought I was a crazy lady. 


I made it back to the van, put on a CD and cried some more.  Through my tears I sat down and wrote letters to both of my parents.  Letters that will never be seen by either of them, but I needed to process.  I love both of them dearly.  They are both incredible people.  Out of all of the people God could've chosen to be my parents, he chose two of the greatest.  I would be lying if I said I understood the choices they made though.  One I can't talk to because she's no longer on this side of Heaven.  The other parent can't really give me the answers I seek either. 


One of the things I did was made a list of things that I needed to say to/hear or receive from Dad.  Through everything today, I just wanted to start driving and not stop until I got to his doorstep.  I wanted to collapse in his arms and just cry until I felt better.  And I need to be able to do it without him looking at me like I have 5 heads!  We just aren't there, yet.  That is one of the things I miss most about Mom.  John tries, but we have kids who always demand our attention.  When the day is done I just want to rest. 


I started cramping again tonight.  Today is CD 14 with no sign of ovulation so I'm not sure what is going on with my crazy body.  I wish there was rhyme or reason to its madness though!


Tomorrow is a new, and hopefully a better, day.  I am going to go to bed and try to rest as I watch Army Wives.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Trust - Unhealthy Attitudes

I know lately it seems that I have strayed from the "weight loss" part of this blog, but I am a very emotional person and emotional eating is a huge reason I am where I am today.  I use this blog as my outlet.  It is my therapy, if you will. 


Tonight, I went out with my dear friend Stephanie.  We had a great time and we talked a lot.  I did most of the talking, which is weird.  I can blog/fb until my fingers fall off.  When it comes to face to face communication, forget about it!  She said something to me that really clicked.  When I got home,  John said almost exactly the same thing she said. 


Today was Dad's birthday.  On my way home from the gym, I called to wish him a happy birthday.  We had a great conversation about farming and canning vegetables.  Today, his wife had him helping her can tomatoes.  That's not exactly the chore I would've chosen for MY birthday, but he was doing it with a great heart.  When we were finished, I wished him Happy Birthday again and we hung up.


It's so funny because we have came to our first milestone.  The first couple calls I was so gaurded about when I would call him.  There were only certain times I would call because I just knew that things were going to go badly.  I wouldn't call him before I went into the gym because if I did then it would ruin my work out.  Working out is a huge MENTAL thing for me.  If I am not focused, I don't do as well.  I wouldn't call him while I was driving because I wanted to make sure I didn't run off the road because of something one of us said.  I can't have peaceful conversations at home, period.  My children are loud and like to take the time to demonstrate their lungs' ability to function the second I get on the phone.  There were all these rules I had in place before I would call him.  Today, I finished what I was doing at the gym and noticed I had to be home soon to meet Stephanie.  I called Dad while on the way home.  That might not seem like much to anyone else (other than to say how horrible I am for being on the phone while driving), but the fact that I trusted things to go well was huge for me. 


I have this huge problem with letting people into my little circle.  If you want to get to know me then that is great, but there aren't too many people that I allow to see all of the skeletons in my closet.  In my experience, when I let someone in I have always regretted it later.  If I don't let others get too close, or show them who I really am inside, then they can't hurt me.  John told me tonight and said "You need to have more faith.  If you never trust someone enough to let them in, you will never have the chance to be proven wrong."  I have lived most of my life by keeping people at arm's length for fear of getting hurt.  The flip side of this is that I have missed out on so much because I never gave people the chance to prove me wrong.  Sadly, most of the people I chose to let in only fed into my theory and I was always left broken hearted. 


I am a broken woman.  A woman who would do almost anything to help someone else, but to trust someone else to meet MY needs? Yeah, forget about it! Don't let anyone in...no one needs to get too close...no one gets hurt.  This is  not the person I want to be.  It's not healthy.  It's certainly not the place to be when given a great blessing like I have been blessed with.  I do not want to enter a relationship with my Dad and new siblings with this huge chip on my shoulder. 


So now make the journey toward healing.  I struggle with how much to say...when to say it...  I am so afraid of scaring him off.  The irony of all of this is that I will miss so much, simply because  I was afraid to put myself out there.  I have already missed 29 years with this man.  I don't want to miss one more second.  I will always long for the 29 years we missed, but I don't want to look back and say that I wasted the time I did have.  I have stood by one casket filled with regrets and "what ifs" and their companions - should've/could've/would've.  Years from now, I don't want to stand by another grave knowing I let fear stand in the way of building a real relationship with my father.  Now all I need to do is stand up to these giants and move forward. That part will be a little more difficult so please pray for me.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama