I know lately it seems that I have strayed from the "weight loss" part of this blog, but I am a very emotional person and emotional eating is a huge reason I am where I am today. I use this blog as my outlet. It is my therapy, if you will.
Tonight, I went out with my dear friend Stephanie. We had a great time and we talked a lot. I did most of the talking, which is weird. I can blog/fb until my fingers fall off. When it comes to face to face communication, forget about it! She said something to me that really clicked. When I got home, John said almost exactly the same thing she said.
Today was Dad's birthday. On my way home from the gym, I called to wish him a happy birthday. We had a great conversation about farming and canning vegetables. Today, his wife had him helping her can tomatoes. That's not exactly the chore I would've chosen for MY birthday, but he was doing it with a great heart. When we were finished, I wished him Happy Birthday again and we hung up.
It's so funny because we have came to our first milestone. The first couple calls I was so gaurded about when I would call him. There were only certain times I would call because I just knew that things were going to go badly. I wouldn't call him before I went into the gym because if I did then it would ruin my work out. Working out is a huge MENTAL thing for me. If I am not focused, I don't do as well. I wouldn't call him while I was driving because I wanted to make sure I didn't run off the road because of something one of us said. I can't have peaceful conversations at home, period. My children are loud and like to take the time to demonstrate their lungs' ability to function the second I get on the phone. There were all these rules I had in place before I would call him. Today, I finished what I was doing at the gym and noticed I had to be home soon to meet Stephanie. I called Dad while on the way home. That might not seem like much to anyone else (other than to say how horrible I am for being on the phone while driving), but the fact that I trusted things to go well was huge for me.
I have this huge problem with letting people into my little circle. If you want to get to know me then that is great, but there aren't too many people that I allow to see all of the skeletons in my closet. In my experience, when I let someone in I have always regretted it later. If I don't let others get too close, or show them who I really am inside, then they can't hurt me. John told me tonight and said "You need to have more faith. If you never trust someone enough to let them in, you will never have the chance to be proven wrong." I have lived most of my life by keeping people at arm's length for fear of getting hurt. The flip side of this is that I have missed out on so much because I never gave people the chance to prove me wrong. Sadly, most of the people I chose to let in only fed into my theory and I was always left broken hearted.
I am a broken woman. A woman who would do almost anything to help someone else, but to trust someone else to meet MY needs? Yeah, forget about it! Don't let anyone in...no one needs to get too close...no one gets hurt. This is not the person I want to be. It's not healthy. It's certainly not the place to be when given a great blessing like I have been blessed with. I do not want to enter a relationship with my Dad and new siblings with this huge chip on my shoulder.
So now make the journey toward healing. I struggle with how much to say...when to say it... I am so afraid of scaring him off. The irony of all of this is that I will miss so much, simply because I was afraid to put myself out there. I have already missed 29 years with this man. I don't want to miss one more second. I will always long for the 29 years we missed, but I don't want to look back and say that I wasted the time I did have. I have stood by one casket filled with regrets and "what ifs" and their companions - should've/could've/would've. Years from now, I don't want to stand by another grave knowing I let fear stand in the way of building a real relationship with my father. Now all I need to do is stand up to these giants and move forward. That part will be a little more difficult so please pray for me.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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