Today was a very rotten, no good day. John worked last night and I didn't sleep well. The morning went fine until about I got out of bed. ;-) Then, the problems started. I didn't want my mood to effect everyone else so I stayed gone most of the day.
I decided to go to the movies to see Just Like Us. From the description of the movie, it sounded like something up my alley. I had seen previews for it before. It is about this man whose father dies and he finds out that he has a sister he never knew of. Dad leaves instructions for him to give the sister a gift, but things get complicated as the movie goes on. It sounded kind of similar to my story. Mom dies...I find Dad...yadda, yadda. As the movie progressed you realize how bad movie dad really is. Neither of my parents were/are bad people so then the movie just kind of made me angry. I believe that everything happens for a reason. There was a quote in the movie that really spoke to me. The daughter in this movie said something to the effect of "You know, you always ask what it was that YOU did to make them choose this. Why is it that we never ask what THEY did?" I am totally the person who takes blame and judgement (self inflicted and other wise) for the choices of others. Why wasn't I good enough? Oh if only I had done this....well what if I do this will...
I sat in the parking lot crying until my eyes hurt. I texted my husband a few times and my poor friend Stephanie (sorry, Steph!). I began questioning a lot of things and going to that no-so-happy place. I drove to Staples. I tried to compose myself before I walked in, but my efforts were in vain. It seemed that everything I looked at made me cry. Notebooks, pens, computer software. I am sure the cashier thought I was a crazy lady.
I made it back to the van, put on a CD and cried some more. Through my tears I sat down and wrote letters to both of my parents. Letters that will never be seen by either of them, but I needed to process. I love both of them dearly. They are both incredible people. Out of all of the people God could've chosen to be my parents, he chose two of the greatest. I would be lying if I said I understood the choices they made though. One I can't talk to because she's no longer on this side of Heaven. The other parent can't really give me the answers I seek either.
One of the things I did was made a list of things that I needed to say to/hear or receive from Dad. Through everything today, I just wanted to start driving and not stop until I got to his doorstep. I wanted to collapse in his arms and just cry until I felt better. And I need to be able to do it without him looking at me like I have 5 heads! We just aren't there, yet. That is one of the things I miss most about Mom. John tries, but we have kids who always demand our attention. When the day is done I just want to rest.
I started cramping again tonight. Today is CD 14 with no sign of ovulation so I'm not sure what is going on with my crazy body. I wish there was rhyme or reason to its madness though!
Tomorrow is a new, and hopefully a better, day. I am going to go to bed and try to rest as I watch Army Wives.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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