Today should be a happy day, but instead I am sitting here with a sense of dread. You see, today is my 10th wedding anniversary. I remember almost every moment from that day. Today I should be celebrating making it longer than most couples do. Instead, I am on the track of divorce. This is not where I planned to be. I know everyone walks down the aisle thinking it will last forever. I was the one who swore that I would marry one time and it would be for life.
When John first left, my whole world fell apart. It wasn't that I was grieving for him as much as I was grieving for what would never be. I was grieving because I had failed. I grieved because my kids and I had became a statistic. Sure, I missed him, but it was a welcomed break from the trouble. I was so consumed with the anger I felt for what he was putting our kids through that I didn't have much room in my heart to miss him.
I have experienced eight month's of healing since he left. I am at a place where I am ok most days with where my life is. We are much better people and parents when we are separated than when we are together. Sure, I would love it if God decided to restore our marriage, but I'm not waiting for that to happen. I am doing the best I can to build a life for me and my kids. He will always be a part of my life because we have five beautiful children who need us to be adults for their sake.
That is why I am surprised with my emotions about today. Today, I feel like I am mourning everything again. I have shed some tears. I am trying hard not to be pulled into this pit of grief. I am fighting the impending panic attack that I can feel building. I HATE that one "simple" date on the calendar can try to undo all of the progress I have made. I know myself well enough to know that tomorrow will be back to normal, but today...I'm just not ok. As I try to be strong for my kids, all I want is my own mama. Happy anniversary to me. :-(
Mama
