I am going to be very open for a moment. Have you ever known me to be anything different? Growing up, I dreamed of being the submissive housewife and mother. I wanted to save my first kiss and virginity for my husband. In my heart I wanted to do all the right things. Then my heart was deceived. I still longed for those things, but impurity was a far easier choice. The farther I moved from God's desires for my life the easier it became to measure my life by an unholy standard.
John and I have been together for ten years, married for eight. During this time we have struggled in a lot of different areas. I wasn't a virgin when we started dating. I wish I could say that was a mistake I had made only one time, but it wasn't. Because of this, I personally have a lot of guilt and self-hatred. I have begged and pleaded with God to make things right, and fix the problems we have had.... but He never seemed to answer. I took matters into my own hands. I demanded that John change the things that bothered me. Some stuff was justified and really needed to be changed. Other things were just irritations I had. Still, nothing I did mattered. He refused to change for me. Of course, being that holy Christian, I took this as a sign that my own heart needed to change, right? Unfortunately, I was too stubborn and too selfish for that. In fact, most of what led us to this place was my own selfishness anyway.
A few years ago I met a friend that I became very close too. I have met many wonderful people through this friend. One in particular I became facebook friends with for a while but deleted her because she posted a lot of things that convicted me about my position in our marriage. God still sent messengers my way to trying to bring me back to the place He wanted me to be.
Forty days ago, I bought a copy of The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. I didn't have a whole lot of expectations of this journey. Boy was I wrong! I have made my way through this book. The first few days were done half-heartedly, but somewhere along the way I noticed that I was changing. Somewhere along the way my heart started returning to home. I am not where I want to be, even now. Our problems weren't created overnight and it won't be fixed that way either.
I am so thankful to God for giving me a second chance. I am thankful that John is still willing to work with me. God meant for marriage to be a life-long commitment. Some people take that too lightly. I was one of them. I am thankful I realized that before it was too late!!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Friday, November 23, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
November Thankfulness
This is my list of things I am thankful for this month. There are way too many to list here, but these are the ones I chose to highlight.
November 1st - This month I am participating in "30 Days
of Thankfulness." Each day I will be posting one thing I am thankful for.
Today I am thankful that God thought I was worth the sacrifice of sending His
only Son to die for my sins. I think of all the times when I felt defeated or
frustrated during the adoption process with our kids. What we have to sacrifice
today is nothing compared to the price that OUR adoption cost. Thank You God,
for thinking that a sinner like me was worth being part of your
family.
November 2nd - Today I am thankful for Jesus. The old
song says "Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe." God sent Christ to earth to
DIE for my sins. At any point along the way, Jesus could've stopped and said "I
don't FEEL like going to the cross. I didn't do anything, but they are punishing
me for the sins of others." He chose the cross, though. I pray that I learn to
be that unselfish with my life. "Greater love has no one than
this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends." - John
15:13
November 3rd - Today I am thankful for my Mama. She
spent her life trying to make my life better. This year has been full of
information that has challenged the way I saw her, news that shattered
everything I thought I knew. I know she loved me and I know she did her best to
raise me right. I am thankful that she chose life for me. I am thankful for
the 25 years God blessed me with this incredible lady.
November 4th - Today I am thankful for my Daddy. It has
been a wild year. When I made last year's list, never in my wildest dreams did
I imagine the miracle was about to take place in my life. I am thankful that
God brought my Daddy "home" to me. I am thankful that my Daddy was willing to
accept me and start building a relationship with me. I am blessed beyond
measure.
November 5th - Today I am thankful for my husband. We've
had so many ups and downs throughout our relationship, but he is a good man who
works hard to provide for his family. I love him and I am happy that God chose
him for me.
November 6th - Today I am thankful for my Glory Babies.
You guys shaped my life in ways I never imagine. The emotional journey that has
accompanied your births has made my question so many things about God and my
life, but I would never change a thing. I am so thankful that God chose ME to
be your Mama. Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael, Jeremiah and Chloe -
Mama loves you so much! I know you will have the Happiest Thanksgiving and
Merriest Christmas of all because you are celebrating with Jesus!
November 7th - Today I am thankful for Sam. My first
earth baby. He burst into my world full of life and sweetness one March day 4
years ago. He is such a great little boy. His heart is as big as anyone I've
ever met before. He would do anything to help someone. He is the child who
continuously tells me he wants to take his piggy bank to "the shelter" for the
kids who need food and toys. His first Christmas with us he filled up 3 large
garbage bags of toys to donate to other children. He teaches me so much about
how God loves us. I am blessed beyond measure that God chose me to be Sam's
Mama.
November 8th - Today I am thankful Landon. He is so
full of life and spunk! He is my "cat." He rarely let's you know his love for
you. He makes you work for his affection. That makes me appreciate his love so
much because I HAVE to WORK for the "I love you's" I get from him. He is my
comic relief, the source of my gray hair, and the joy of my life. I couldn't
imagine life without him. I am so thankful God chose me to be his
Mama.
November 9th - Today I am thankful for Jewel-Anne. She
was my first little unexpected blessing. There are so many things she does that
reminds me of Mama. She even has Mama's feet. She is my first infant. She
taught me about determination. When she was born she struggled for every single
milestone she would reach, but she did it! She is the ultimate sweetheart. She
always has a smile on her face and is such a cuddle bug. She gave me the gift I
never thought I'd have on earth - bringing a child home from the hospital and
raising it. For years I prayed for 3 AM feedings and boy, did she grant that
wish!
November 10th - Today I am thankful for Liana. You
have been my little spunky bundle of joy since you walked into my life. You are
the little Mama that helps me keep the ship running. You are amazing and I
can't wait to see what God has in store for you. I am blessed to be called your
Mama.
November 11th - Today I am thankful for Isaiah. You
amaze me so much, Little Man. You teach me so much about how we are to love
God. When I look into your eyes, I am amazed that someone could trust or
believe in me so much.
November 12th - Today I am thankful for Aunt Flossie.
You were just like a grandmother to me. The person I am today, at least the
good things, is because of the things you taught me. Thank you for being
willing to spend your retirement loving and nurturing someone who often didn't
appreciate the sacrifice. It took becoming a parent to really understand all
you did for me. Thank you so much for loving me!
November 13th - Today I am thankful for Suzie, Sandy,
Donny and Pete (Dad's kids) - Thank you so much for sharing Dad with me. I know
that none of this is easy for you guys either, but I am thankful that God has
given me the opportunity to get to know you. I look forward to spending the
rest of our lives making up for the 29 years we missed.
November 14th - Today I am thankful for my other set of
siblings - Earl, Kathy, Cindy and Paul (Mom's kids) - Life hasn't always been
the greatest between us, but I am glad God blessed me with you guys. I love
you!
November 15th - Today I am thankful for my church. I
have finally found a place that feels like home and I am so thankful for that.
God has blessed me so much through my pastor and his family. I pray that their
ministry continues to grow and prosper as God would have it to.
November 16th - Today I am thankful for my friendships.
God has blessed me with some wonderful friends. Some who have stayed for a
season and those who have stayed "forever." Each one of you have taught me so
much about life. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for each of you.
November 17th - Today I am thankful for a special friend,
Stephanie McKinney. She is always there to listen to me, lift me up, and smack
me around when I need it. God has blessed me beyond measure with this incredible
person. I love you so much!
November 18th - Today I am thankful for Christmas
decorations, movies, treats and all the things we know as Christmas. I love the
sounds and smells of this season.
November 19th - Today I am thankful for memories. It is
what makes me be able to enjoy this season without Mama here to enjoy it with
us.
November 20th - Today I am thankful for God's
blessings. As the song says "there's a roof up above me, I have a good place to
sleep, there's food on my table and shoes on my feet." I am so thankful that God
has always met my NEEDS. Money may get tight from time to time but I've never
known what it means to truly struggle. My kids have food, clothing and
shelter. That is a lot more than a lot of people have today.
November 21st - Today I am thankful for my MP3 player.
You provide a great workout distraction! My mind is grateful to you!
November 22nd - Today I am thankful for turkey and
broccoli casserole! Yum!!!
November 23rd - Today I am thankful for leftovers. You
are so bad for my waist-line, but oh so good for my taste buds!
November 24th - Today I am thankful for service men and
women. Thank you for all you do to protect our freedoms. Thank you for
spending your holidays fighting to keep us safe instead of with your families
where you'd rather be.
November 25th - Today I am thankful for peanut butter
cookies! You are my favorite dessert. I really like it when you are full of
honey roasted peanuts. *Note to anyone thinking of what to get me for Christmas
- I would appreciate your gift of peanut butter cookies!*
November 26th - Today I am thankful for my favorite
authors - Amy Clipston, Beth Wiseman, Cindy Woodsmall and Wanda Brunstetter! I
love getting lost in the stories you share. Your characters become like family
to me.
November 27th - Today I am thankful for the God-given
ability to homeschool my children. I wouldn't trade this gift for the whole
world!
November 28th - Today I am thankful for music! It
gives memories, lifts my moods and brings so much to my family. Thank you to my
favorite artists too!
November 29th - Today I am thankful for our police
officers, fire fighters and EMTs. Thank you for helping keep us safe!
November 30th - Today I am thankful for the fact that
there are only 25 more days until Jesus's Birthday!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Accountability
Clumsy
By Chris Rice
You'd think I'd have it right by now
By Chris Rice
You'd think I'd have it right by now
Been practicing for thirty years
I should've walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doing here
Reaching out for that same ole piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo lose
Somebody tell me what's a boy supposed to do
I get so clumsy, I get so foolish
I get so stupid then I feel so useless
But You're saying You Love me
And You're still gonna hold me
And You want to be near me
Cause You're making me holy
Still making me holy, yeah
I'm gonna get it right this time
I'll be strong and I'll make You proud
I've prayed that prayer a thousand times
And the rooster crows and my tears roll down again
But You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never be good enough
And that You're not gonna let that come between us.
I get so clumsy, I get so foolish
I get so stupid then I feel so useless
But You're saying You Love me
And You're still gonna hold me
And You want to be near me
Cause You're making me holy
Still making me holy, yeah
From where I stand Your holiness is up so high
I could never reach it.
My only hope is to fall on Jesus
I get so clumsy, I get so foolish
I get so stupid then I feel so useless
But You're saying You Love me
And You're still gonna hold me
And You want to be near me
Cause You're making me holy
Still making me holy, yeah
I have been half-heartedly trying for the past 6 months to get the passion back that I felt for this journey in the beginning. Once the newness wore off it was harder and harder. Trouble set in and life got in the way. Now here I am. I am determined that things are going to change, though. I have said that a lot for the last couple months.
God has been dealing with me a lot lately about where my heart is. Our new church has been challenging me a lot about where I am in my life. My heart, my priorities, my life - none of these are in the right place right now. When Mom died, I became so hardened to life. She was the one thing in my life that was always there and now she was gone. Here I was, in the midst of a troubled marriage, with two little beings who depended on me for everything and my entire existence was changed. All my life I was someone's care taker. When I was young, I always worried about Mama. I was Mother Hen to all of the kids around me. When I was in youth group I was the one the kids came to for gum or candy. I worked in the nursery. I just have a heart to take care of people. Who takes care of you when you're too busy taking care of everyone else?
My spiritual life has suffered. "I don't have the time" has become an excuse I use quite often. I am supposed to lead my kids in the way of God but how can I do that if I am not following Him like I should? How can He replenish my spiritual fuel tank, if I am not plugged into Him? My priorities are all messed up. I am rarely home in the evenings because I leave almost as soon as John gets home. I have hid from my life long enough. Now it is time to do things the right way. Surrender isn't something I do easily. I don't think any human naturally surrenders. God gave us free will and a spirit that wants to fight for what's right. The problem comes when we stop looking to God to tell us what is right and start looking toward others and our own human nature.
But what would happen if I trusted the One who knows me best because He created me and knows the desires of my heart far better than I ever will? What would happen if I gave him everything? What would He do if I stayed on the altar and stopped jumping off The Potter's Wheel? How would my life change if I live with total abandon for what others think? If I stopped putting human desires above God's will for my life? What would happen if I lived with wreckless abandon and became totally sold out for Christ? As a teenager I knew what that picture looked like. I don't believe it would look the same as it would if I did it right now. I cannot go live in the mission field. I am not in a place right now to open a house for unwed mothers wanting to give their babies up for adoption. What would this picture look like right now? Fear of the unknown is what keeps me frozen right where I am. Fear is what keeps me from doing what God wants me to. Fear is what keeps me from living and doing what God has called me to. Fear is Satan's vehicle used to keep me from reaching God's potential for my life. The sad thing is that I handed him the keys and told him to lead me and I'd follow. (Ouch! That sounds horrible for a Christian to admit, but it's the truth.)
I want my life to be an example of Christ. I want to be someone who finds her self-worth in Christ and not other people's opinions or things. I want my kids to grow up with a clear sense of who they are in Christ and that will only happen if they are taught the right way.
I wrote this to keep me accountable. I need a spiritual parent/friend/etc to keep me accountable for where I am. I need someone who constantly challenges me to be God's best for me. I ask that you pray for me to be. Please pray that I will step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to be surrounded by the people that God will place in my life help encourage me.
I have been half-heartedly trying for the past 6 months to get the passion back that I felt for this journey in the beginning. Once the newness wore off it was harder and harder. Trouble set in and life got in the way. Now here I am. I am determined that things are going to change, though. I have said that a lot for the last couple months.
God has been dealing with me a lot lately about where my heart is. Our new church has been challenging me a lot about where I am in my life. My heart, my priorities, my life - none of these are in the right place right now. When Mom died, I became so hardened to life. She was the one thing in my life that was always there and now she was gone. Here I was, in the midst of a troubled marriage, with two little beings who depended on me for everything and my entire existence was changed. All my life I was someone's care taker. When I was young, I always worried about Mama. I was Mother Hen to all of the kids around me. When I was in youth group I was the one the kids came to for gum or candy. I worked in the nursery. I just have a heart to take care of people. Who takes care of you when you're too busy taking care of everyone else?
My spiritual life has suffered. "I don't have the time" has become an excuse I use quite often. I am supposed to lead my kids in the way of God but how can I do that if I am not following Him like I should? How can He replenish my spiritual fuel tank, if I am not plugged into Him? My priorities are all messed up. I am rarely home in the evenings because I leave almost as soon as John gets home. I have hid from my life long enough. Now it is time to do things the right way. Surrender isn't something I do easily. I don't think any human naturally surrenders. God gave us free will and a spirit that wants to fight for what's right. The problem comes when we stop looking to God to tell us what is right and start looking toward others and our own human nature.
But what would happen if I trusted the One who knows me best because He created me and knows the desires of my heart far better than I ever will? What would happen if I gave him everything? What would He do if I stayed on the altar and stopped jumping off The Potter's Wheel? How would my life change if I live with total abandon for what others think? If I stopped putting human desires above God's will for my life? What would happen if I lived with wreckless abandon and became totally sold out for Christ? As a teenager I knew what that picture looked like. I don't believe it would look the same as it would if I did it right now. I cannot go live in the mission field. I am not in a place right now to open a house for unwed mothers wanting to give their babies up for adoption. What would this picture look like right now? Fear of the unknown is what keeps me frozen right where I am. Fear is what keeps me from doing what God wants me to. Fear is what keeps me from living and doing what God has called me to. Fear is Satan's vehicle used to keep me from reaching God's potential for my life. The sad thing is that I handed him the keys and told him to lead me and I'd follow. (Ouch! That sounds horrible for a Christian to admit, but it's the truth.)
I want my life to be an example of Christ. I want to be someone who finds her self-worth in Christ and not other people's opinions or things. I want my kids to grow up with a clear sense of who they are in Christ and that will only happen if they are taught the right way.
I wrote this to keep me accountable. I need a spiritual parent/friend/etc to keep me accountable for where I am. I need someone who constantly challenges me to be God's best for me. I ask that you pray for me to be. Please pray that I will step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to be surrounded by the people that God will place in my life help encourage me.
And let
us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not
lose heart. - Galatians 6:9 NKJV
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
A1C - November 2012
Confession Time
My healthy eating has went out the window for the past couple months. I knew I was doing it. I cared more than I would have a year ago but not enough to stop. I thought as long as I ate one meal a day that I could eat whatever I wanted. That worked fine as long as I was eating healthy 99 % of the time. My weight has went up and down and up again. I do not want to be a yo-yoer any longer.
Sam came out of my room a few minutes ago and brought me one of my at-home a1c kits. I tested it and it was 6.0. It is still relatively good for a diabetic, but it isn't near as good as what I had when I went to the doctor last time. I won't be going back to the doctor until January. I am due to go back in December, but why waste the deductible? Due to me forgetting my meds, I will have enough to get me through.
That brings me to my next point. I cannot remember to take my medicine to save my life. Before I got my new phone, I had a reminder to take my medicine each night. Now I keep forgetting to set my reminder. Ironic, huh? Alright I stopped long enough to set my alarm to take my meds. I should be good to go.
Here we go again!!
My healthy eating has went out the window for the past couple months. I knew I was doing it. I cared more than I would have a year ago but not enough to stop. I thought as long as I ate one meal a day that I could eat whatever I wanted. That worked fine as long as I was eating healthy 99 % of the time. My weight has went up and down and up again. I do not want to be a yo-yoer any longer.
Sam came out of my room a few minutes ago and brought me one of my at-home a1c kits. I tested it and it was 6.0. It is still relatively good for a diabetic, but it isn't near as good as what I had when I went to the doctor last time. I won't be going back to the doctor until January. I am due to go back in December, but why waste the deductible? Due to me forgetting my meds, I will have enough to get me through.
That brings me to my next point. I cannot remember to take my medicine to save my life. Before I got my new phone, I had a reminder to take my medicine each night. Now I keep forgetting to set my reminder. Ironic, huh? Alright I stopped long enough to set my alarm to take my meds. I should be good to go.
Here we go again!!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
From the Outside Looking In
Lyrics to Broken (Beautiful) :
I am the product of a broken/blended (whatever you want to call it) family of thirteen children. Now, I didn't grow up in my Dad's family, but they are still my family. I am the youngest out of all 13. I grew up with Mom's kids. Mom's second youngest child is 13 years older than me. Just when she was nearing the parenting finish line, I was the little surprise. I guess the age difference is one of the reasons why I feel the way I do. My oldest brother has children that are all less than 10 years younger than I am. In fact, I have a great nephew who is only 4 months younger than Jewel-Anne. We are just in different seasons in our lives. While I was in diapers, they were in high school. When I was in elementary school my brother was having babies. I am not sure whether this is the reason I feel the way I do or not.
In sixteen days I will celebrate the 6 month "anniversary" of meeting Dad. I have enjoyed many phone calls with Dad and my Bonus Mama, but I have only seen them one time. I am still waiting for the right time to meet my "new" siblings. My sisters S and S seem to be very sweet people from what I have seen so far. I have no idea what they feel about me. It is for this reason, I have a hard time contacting them. I don't want them to feel like they have to try to like me just to be nice. When I met Dad my two biggest fears were that 1) He would hate me and reject me or 2) He would pretend to love me no matter how he felt about me just to be nice.
Right now my closest link to Dad's side of the family is watching my sisters sing each week on their church's TV program. Each week I get to watch one or both of them singing praises to the Lord. They are wonderful singers. I love to listen to them. It is a bittersweet experience that I have each week. This is the only link I have to them right now. I enjoy being able to experience time learning about them without all of the "awkward-ness" of our situation. The down-side is that it makes me feel like this is the closest I will ever get to them. Will I ever know what it's like to sit down and have a meal with them? Will I ever know what it is like to go to church with them? Will I ever celebrate holidays, birthdays or special events with them?
Most of my life I have felt like I was on the outside of life looking in. I felt that way with Mom's kids. I felt that way in elementary school. I REALLY felt that way in youth group as a teen and even as an adult. I felt that way when I worked outside the home. I have always felt that way with my husband's birth family. I feel like the only place I really belong is being Mama to my precious babies. I feel that way with Dad's kids, too. It's nothing they have done. It's nothing anyone else has done. I think it's just me. You know, there is a scene in October Baby where she's at the doctor and is talking about some of the emotions she feels and to be honest I can relate to a lot of them. I feel like I am just existing on borrowed time and always in someone else's way. I hate that feeling, BTW. If I had things my way, I would live my life not caring about what anyone else thought or whether they liked me. There was a brief time in my life that I got to experience that freedom that comes from not caring what others thought. I have done everything to try to regain that feeling again. Nothing has brought it back though.
I am not really expecting advice or answers. Lisa is perfectly fine. I am just pouring out words onto this virtual sheet of paper. I wish life were different, but this is the road God has chosen for me to travel. Are there lessons along the way I am supposed to learn? I am sure there are. Are there others who will be inspired by the crazy war that goes on between my ears? I doubt it, but I will choose to be obedient just in case there is meaning to all this madness.
Weight Loss Mama
We're broken in two with love as an anchor
There's nothing to do but give in, give in
Mirror less eyes give off a reflection
The moonlight is fair as we rise again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
We're giving into sweet desperation
When all this is through, we'll give in, give in
Channels of grace give off the aroma
Of love mixed with pain and hope raised again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
Yeah
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
There's nothing to do but give in, give in
Mirror less eyes give off a reflection
The moonlight is fair as we rise again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
We're giving into sweet desperation
When all this is through, we'll give in, give in
Channels of grace give off the aroma
Of love mixed with pain and hope raised again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
Yeah
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
I am the product of a broken/blended (whatever you want to call it) family of thirteen children. Now, I didn't grow up in my Dad's family, but they are still my family. I am the youngest out of all 13. I grew up with Mom's kids. Mom's second youngest child is 13 years older than me. Just when she was nearing the parenting finish line, I was the little surprise. I guess the age difference is one of the reasons why I feel the way I do. My oldest brother has children that are all less than 10 years younger than I am. In fact, I have a great nephew who is only 4 months younger than Jewel-Anne. We are just in different seasons in our lives. While I was in diapers, they were in high school. When I was in elementary school my brother was having babies. I am not sure whether this is the reason I feel the way I do or not.
In sixteen days I will celebrate the 6 month "anniversary" of meeting Dad. I have enjoyed many phone calls with Dad and my Bonus Mama, but I have only seen them one time. I am still waiting for the right time to meet my "new" siblings. My sisters S and S seem to be very sweet people from what I have seen so far. I have no idea what they feel about me. It is for this reason, I have a hard time contacting them. I don't want them to feel like they have to try to like me just to be nice. When I met Dad my two biggest fears were that 1) He would hate me and reject me or 2) He would pretend to love me no matter how he felt about me just to be nice.
Right now my closest link to Dad's side of the family is watching my sisters sing each week on their church's TV program. Each week I get to watch one or both of them singing praises to the Lord. They are wonderful singers. I love to listen to them. It is a bittersweet experience that I have each week. This is the only link I have to them right now. I enjoy being able to experience time learning about them without all of the "awkward-ness" of our situation. The down-side is that it makes me feel like this is the closest I will ever get to them. Will I ever know what it's like to sit down and have a meal with them? Will I ever know what it is like to go to church with them? Will I ever celebrate holidays, birthdays or special events with them?
Most of my life I have felt like I was on the outside of life looking in. I felt that way with Mom's kids. I felt that way in elementary school. I REALLY felt that way in youth group as a teen and even as an adult. I felt that way when I worked outside the home. I have always felt that way with my husband's birth family. I feel like the only place I really belong is being Mama to my precious babies. I feel that way with Dad's kids, too. It's nothing they have done. It's nothing anyone else has done. I think it's just me. You know, there is a scene in October Baby where she's at the doctor and is talking about some of the emotions she feels and to be honest I can relate to a lot of them. I feel like I am just existing on borrowed time and always in someone else's way. I hate that feeling, BTW. If I had things my way, I would live my life not caring about what anyone else thought or whether they liked me. There was a brief time in my life that I got to experience that freedom that comes from not caring what others thought. I have done everything to try to regain that feeling again. Nothing has brought it back though.
I am not really expecting advice or answers. Lisa is perfectly fine. I am just pouring out words onto this virtual sheet of paper. I wish life were different, but this is the road God has chosen for me to travel. Are there lessons along the way I am supposed to learn? I am sure there are. Are there others who will be inspired by the crazy war that goes on between my ears? I doubt it, but I will choose to be obedient just in case there is meaning to all this madness.
Weight Loss Mama
Thursday, November 1, 2012
National Adoption Month
Over the years I have met some pretty fantastic people all because of adoption! Some I would've never known, some I've known only through facebook, some I would've known but not been able to understand what they were going through. The case workers, attorneys, GALs (some more beloved than others), friends and family. I am thankful for those who cared for my kids before they came to me. Thank you to J and R who stepped up to care for Sam and Landon. Thank you to the nurses at MMC who cared for Jewel-Anne. Thank you to the countless people who stood up to love on Liana as she made her journey home to us. Thank you to the awesome staff at FSRM and ETCH for caring for Isaiah and for the excellent treatment I received during the time I spent with him there. Thank you to the staff of Choices Resource Center. Thank you to a special lady named Amy Rigmy. Your foster care adoption story helped me know we were doing the right thing. Even though we've only had a couple conversations over the years I think of you and pray for you often. Thank you to our birth mothers - without your willingness to give our children life, I wouldn't be able to call them my own. You've given me the greatest gift one woman can give to another. I will never be able to express my gratitude to you enough.
There are a some special people I have to thank as well. Thank you to our friend Jeff Stroud. You stepped up and helped us get the ball rolling. God used you to speak to us saying "It's time." You helped us get started on the path to adoption. Without you we wouldn't have Sam and Landon. God planned their story down to the minute so much that if we'd waited ANY time, we wouldn't have got to be their parents.
Thank you to Stephanie. In the time I have known you, you have been a great source of strength, information and love for me. You've kicked my behind when I let others walk all over me. You helped me find the courage to fight even harder for my kids. You are the one person on this earth who truly understands this journey because you are fighting it right here, two steps ahead of me! I am thankful for all the people in my life who have prayed us through this, but to have someone who completely understands where you are in invaluable. You are always there for me and my family when we need you. You care for my babies just like I would.
Thank you to John. You stood by me through miscarriage after miscarriage. You were strong for me when I couldn't be. You were willing to go on this long, wild rollercoaster called DCS Adoption. You sat in classes with me amidst the tears still fresh from grief. Five different times I called you at work to tell you that God had blessed us with another child. You walked through the door with a smile on your face and no idea how our lives had just changed. ;-) You have been here every step of the way. I know that there is no one else I'd rather have taken this journey with. I love you.
Thank you to our precious Glory Babies. Without each of you, I wouldn't be the Mama I am today. Thank you to Michael. God timed your entrance to our lives perfectly. OUR plan had been to wait until the following year to start the adoption process. God gave us you to interrupt our plans. Days after we found out that you'd gone to Heaven, I told your Daddy that after we'd had a little while to heal, I wanted to start classes. You were looking out for your brothers even then.
Most of all, thank You God for loving me, my husband and my kids enough to adopt each of us! Thank you for all of the people known and unknown who played a part in our journey. Thank You for extending grace through the pain and tears, strength for my weakness and for caring for my babies even before I could. Thank You so much for not giving me what I thought was my idea of perfect. My arms would be so empty if I had waited for that to happen. I am thankful you know what is best for me.
Adoption has touched my life in so many ways. I am so thankful God placed me on this journey. The road has been long, and often difficult, but there is nothing that compares to the rewards I've been given. If you are sitting there and have been thinking about adoption, the time is now! Please don't wait a moment longer. There are over a million children waiting to find their forever homes. Private Adoption is wonderful, but DCS kids are some of the most amazing little people. They deserve to have love, too! I have done 3 infant placements and I cannot imagine my life without them. Equally as special, though is my the adoption of my big boys'. Older kids deserve to be loved just as much as the babies. I challenge you today to let God out of the box you have placed Him in. Release Him from your idea of perfect and say "yes" to His desire to bless you. You won't regret it. If you are ready to say yes, but don't know where to start, please email me. I want to pray for you and help you get started.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. - James 1:27
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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