Midnight Ramblings

It is well after midnight and I have no idea why I am still awake. I have so many things that are waiting for me in the morning. The kids will be up before I know it, but yet I cannot find sleep. My mind just will not turn off.

There are so many good things going on right now. I just have this unsettling feeling. I think it stems from the fact that today was the anniversary of me walking into the doctor's office, and later the ER where I was told that the doctor was certain I had congestive heart failure. Thankfully, that wasn't the case, but that time in my life was very scary. Unfortunately, it would take months to figure out that I wasn't dying. For those who do not know, this was one of the contributing factors to Mama's death.

It isn't too surprising to find out that this was also the time where we found out that I had anxiety issues. I was a fairly new Mom. I had 5 babies. And this doctor who had spent less than an hour with me had told me I was suffering from a deadly illness. Yep, that pretty much settles it for you. I think that would break the strongest person.


On to better news, my husband and I will be going on our first mini-vacation alone since we had kids. We took a few short overnight/weekend stays when Mom was still with us, prior to having kids. A couple summers ago, we were able to get away for the weekend thanks to my sisters keeping our children. This is also the first vacation we have had since my husband and I reunited. We are both looking forward to it. Our children are staying with their friends. We know that they will be well taken care of and will have tons of fun. It is hard to think of being away from them, but I know this time will be as good for them as it is for us.

This is the time of year that I love and I dread all at the same time. It's tax season. It's also curriculum purchase time. I have had curriculum anxiety since we first started homeschooling. When I homeschooled, we used Abeka for a while. Then, we used School of Tomorrow. We started both of the oldest boys out with Abeka. Then, we switched to an online curriculum called Easy Peasy. The kids loved the curriculum, but it just wasn't working well for me, so we are going back to books this year. I wish that there was a local place where you could go in and see all of the different curriculums and get a chance to check them out. One of the things I'm starting to realize is that I cannot box my kids in. What may work well for one, does not necessarily work well for the other. Unfortunately, this is a very expensive, non-refundable lesson.

One of the joys of CFS is that sometimes your mind just goes completely blank. Unfortunately, that is where I am right now so I'm going to close this. Goodnight all.

Blessings,

Lisa

Meeting My Sister

Thanks to CFS brain fog, I am having a bit of trouble remembering all of the details. I sat down Sunday to write this, but couldn't piece it together just right so now I'm trying to go back and edit it.

For years, I have dreamed of meeting my siblings on my Dad's side of the family.  I remember being young and playing scenarios in my head of what it would be like to be a part of their family. The desire to be a part of their family only grew as I met Dad. Still, I was determined to take things as slowly as I needed to in order to make things easier for them.

I remember the day I decided I was going to start searching for Dad again. It was after watching the movie October Baby. When the movie was over, I sat in the parking lot in my van while I sobbed and prayed. I asked God if it was really His will for me to find Dad. Immediately after I felt the peace to search for him,  I prayed that God would minimize the pain inflicted on my siblings. I have eight siblings. Each parent had two girls and two boys before I came along. I didn't want my mom's kids to feel like I was dishonoring her memory. I also didn't want to cause pain to Dad's kids either. I wasn't naive enough to believe that there wouldn't be pain involved, but I was determined to make things as easy as I could.

My sister Suzie (Dad's daughter) has a gospel music group that she sings with. Each month, the group has a concert that they hold. I had been trying to attend for months. Last month, I was heart broken that I wasn't able to find a sitter for my kids. My sister Cindy told me that she would keep them for me so I could go in January.

The concert was this past Saturday. I was very excited to finally be able to meet Suzie. We have been facebook friends for a while, but this was the first time we would actually meet in person. I spent most of Saturday morning and afternoon feeling so ill. I was nervous beyond belief. Everything I had wished, hoped and prayed for was finally coming through. I kept freaking out thinking she would hate me. I cannot tell you the number of times I decided I wasn't going. One nasty habit I am trying to break free of is assuming the worst will happen. In many ways, it was just easier to believe that she would hate me. I knew what would happen then. We would part ways and that would be that. (Now, I want to stop and say that my feelings during those moments do not reflect anything toward Suzie. I have enjoyed getting to know her so far. I have always had problems with self-esteem, though. The last two years that has gotten a lot worse.)



I finally made it to the parking lot. I felt frozen when I first arrived. I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. It was one of those life changing moments. I knew that my life was about to change. I prayed and asked God for peace before I finally went in. We said hello and talked for a few moments before the concert started and for a bit afterwards. I was able to get a picture with both of my sisters. It was a very sweet moment for me.


Suzie is such a sweetheart. I know my entrance into her life two years ago wasn't easy, she has handled it with grace. She's always been kind to me and for that I am grateful. She has handled things far better than most people would. Thank you, Suzie for allow me a place in your heart and life.


Meeting her was something I had dreamed of most of my life. Even before I had contact with Dad, Mom had told me bits and pieces about his  my family. I had spent years praying that God would bring us together and He answered that prayer. It certainly didn't happen in my timing, but God orchestrated it to happen just the way He meant for it to. Due to a mistake on my part, I've also been able to meet another family member as well. It's been a roller coaster of a weekend, but I am so grateful. I am thankful that God allowed us to meet. I'm glad that He placed people around me that would be the push I needed to go through with this.



Suzie has a gospel music group called Victorious Ministries. They are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!  They were even better than the couple videos I had seen. If you are local then you definitely need to go see them. If you aren't, you should order their CDs. To learn more about Victorious Ministries visit their facebook page Victorious Ministries. Like their page to get updates about their travel dates. They have a monthly singing in Rockwood, Tennessee. They also have other travel dates. You will be blessed when you hear them.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


Blessings,

Lisa

Here We Go Again 2015

It's 2015. It's been six years since I started my weight loss journey. I've had some successes but mostly failures. However, I believe that you aren't a failure until you refuse to get back up. I think it's been about three years since I started going to the weight loss clinic. Last year, I had my doctor to write me a prescription for some Phentermine, which is what was prescribed at the weight loss clinic. I took almost all of a prescription, but then I stopped. My weight has been slowly creeping up to my original weight. When I walked into the weight loss clinic the first time, my weight was 326. (Which until yesterday, I didn't realize the significance of that number in my life. 3/26 was Mama's birthday.)

 

Yesterday, I weighed and had my blood pressure taken at Wal-mart. Of course, there's always room for error with those machines, but it said I was 323. Still under my clinic starting weight, and under my highest weight (360) but way too high. My blood pressure was something like 148/82.

 

 

I knew my weight was going up. I am back to the point that my belly sits under the steering wheel. I think one of the first big goals that I made was to be able to drive without having my belly touch the steering wheel. I am sadden and sick of what I've done to myself. I swore I would never be back to this place, but when you have an emotional eating disorder, that is what happens. I eat to find comfort. I eat when I'm bored, I eat when...well, there's not a reason I can find that I won't eat.  Then, afterwards I feel horrible. I feel horrible because I ate too much. I feel horrible because I let this have power over me. If you would have asked me 6 years ago if I had an eating disorder, I would've said no. The longer I am on this journey, I am finding out stuff I never knew. I can no longer sugar coat things in an effort to save my pride because it is killing me.

 

One of the things that have stopped me was not being able to afford the foods that I need to lose weight. Well it is tax season and time to start again. Since healthy living is so much more than just eating right, I'm starting now to get my mind in preparation for it.

 

A big change that is taking place this time is that John is going to join me. He went to the doctor the other day and his weight was 318. His blood pressure, which wasn't as high as mine, was still higher than it needs to be. The sad thing is that we are both on blood pressure medication. Our blood pressure was a "medicated" blood pressure. I wouldn't want to see what it would be if we weren't on medication. So he's decided to join me on this journey.

 

I have such a love-hate relationship with my weight. I love food. I don't LIKE  food. I LOVE it. I love it like a family member. There are things that I like that are healthy, but most of my comfort foods are not. I have conquered this battle before. I know what lies before me and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to choosing veggies instead of cookies; protein instead of carbs, etc. None of that is appealing to me. Do you know what IS appealing, though? Fitting in my vehicle without being uncomfortable; being able to shop for clothes and know that I don't have to go to a specialty shop to get a t-shirt that fits right. Most importantly, the thought of LIVING is the most appealing. Living to raise our kids. Living to see our grandchildren. Living long enough to take care of our parents when that time comes. I want to do more than just survive. I want to live a life that makes me happy.

 

I will update more as we start our healthy eating journey, but this is the starting post.

 

 

Lisa's Weight : 323 (estimate until I get a scale for the house)

John's Weight 318 (weighed at the doctor)

 

 

Blessings,

 

Mama

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be

Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.


This precious old hymn is one of my favorites. As I begin a new year, this is what brings me comfort. For I know that whatever I face this year, God will be there with me. He is always faithful and merciful. I have struggled a lot since my mom passed away. The spiritual struggles have been the ones that have been the hardest to deal with. I got saved at the age of 11. There were plenty of trials along my way, but something about Mom's death shook me so hard that I sort of lost my way. Did I stop believing in God? No. I have always known that He was there. I just don't feel His presence like I used to. I don't have joy like I used to. I feel like He has turned His face from me. I have prayed for forgiveness for whatever is keeping me from Him, but to no avail. This is just a trial. It is a spiritual battle. All Christians go through them, I am no exception. This year, I will constantly remember that God is always there. Even if I cannot feel Him, He is still there. His word promises that He will never leave nor forsake me. I will stand on that no matter what I "feel."


Blessings,

Mama