You Are Not An Accident

A couple nights ago I was looking for a poem for Mom's slide show and found this in my old myspace account.  God ordered my steps to find it that night.  For most of my life I have struggled with thinking I was an accident because my parents weren't married and never intended to have me.  I know there are others who struggle with their self-worth so I am sharing it here.  I hope it speaks to you like it did to me.




You are not an accident.  You are who you are for a reason.  You're part of an intricate plan.  You're a precious and perfectly unique design, called to be God's special man or woman.  You look like you do for a reason.  God makes no mistakes.  He knit you together within your mother's womb.  You're just what he wanted to make.  The parents He gave you were the ones He has chosen for you.  And no matter how you feel, they were custom designed with God's plan in mind.  They bear the the Master's seal.  The trauma you have faced wasn't easy.  God wept that you hurt so, but it was allowed to shape your heart so that you could grow into His likeness.  Yes, you are who are for a reason. You've been formed by the Master's Rod.




Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Heath and Fitness Goals for 2013

Goals 2013
(I am keeping my weight loss goals here from last year as well.)


Weight Goals

1. MET - Lose 5 lbs
2. MET -Lose 10% of my original weight - 36 lbs
3. MET - Lose 50 lbs
4. Lose 20% of my original weight - 72 lbs
5. Lose 75 lbs
6. Lose 100 lbs
7. Lose 30% of my original weight - 108 lbs
8. Lose 125 lbs. - That will be a whole person!
9. Lose 40% of my original weight - 144 lbs
10. Lose 150 lbs
11. Lose 175 lbs
12. Lose 50% of my original weight - 180 lbs
13. Lose 200 lbs
14. Lose 60% of my original weight - 216 lbs
15. Lose 225 lbs
16. Lose 250 lbs (That's two whole people!)
17. Lose 70% of my original weight - 252 lbs
18. Lose 260 lbs.



Clothing Size Goals


Shirts

2XL shirts
1XL shirts
Large shirts
Medium shirts

Pants

22/24 pants/skirts
20 pants/skirts
18 pants/skirts
16 pants/skirts
14 pants/skirts




Health Goals


1. Get my cholesterol to a normal level (unsure where it is now)
2. Maintain a healthy blood pressure
3. No more than 30 day cycles
4. Pregnancy



Fitness goals


1. Make it to the gym at least 3 times a week consistently
2. Be able to do 3 miles on TB
3. Be able to do 4 miles on TB
4. Start weight lifting
5.


Misc. Goals

1. Sit in vehicle without my stomach touching the steering wheel
2. Be able to ride bumper boats again
3. Be able to hug my husband without leaning forward. ;-)
4. Consistently read my Bible
5. Make it to church every week



(UPDATED: 12/29/12)


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)

Clinic Anniversary

Yesterday was my one year clinic anniversary.  The year has had its ups and downs. I am not where I'd hoped to be, but it's been a good year. I am blessed far beyond what I deserve. My kids are healthy, despite the colds they have right now. I am far healthier than I was this time a year ago. My marriage is in a better state than I was a year ago. Though, the past six months I haven't done nearly as well as I could have. I have gained weight the last couple months. That has been very hard to swallow. Still, I promised myself I would be honest in this blog and I am. This morning I weighed 306.2. I am so mad at myself, but there were warnings along the way. There were gentle reminders that I needed to reign back in. Let's see what goals I have accomplished this year, though.

This is a list of my misc. goals divided into categories. As time goes on
I'm sure I'll add more, but this is my starter list.

Weight Goals

1. Lose 5 lbs (met)
2. Lose 10% of my original weight - 36 lbs (met)
3. Lose 50 lbs (met)


Clothing Size Goals

Shirts

3XL shirts (met)

Health Goals

1. Normal BP (met)
2. Consistent Normal Blood Sugar (met)
3. Normal Periods (better, but not there yet)

Fitness goals

1. Be able to walk without getting blisters on my feet (met)
2. Be able to walk 2 miles without feeling like I'm dying. (met)
3. Be able to walk 2.5 MPH - 2.4 most of my walk now (met)
4. Be able to walk 2.5 miles (met)
5. Be able to walk 3 miles in an hour or less (met)


Misc Goals
1. Be able to wear seatbelt in vehicle. (met)

And So It Hits

The day started with the kids having their favorite breakfast - Poptarts.  I try to keep it very simple on Sunday mornings.  The less I expect on Sunday mornings the better off we all are.  We all got showered and dressed.  I tried to find a moment to send one of our birth moms a letter.  Each Christmas I try to send her a note just to thank her for the gift she gave me.  I didn't get the letter completed so I will take care of that tonight. 


We went to church for Sunday School.  The kids did pretty well through that part of service pretty well.  A few days ago, one of my children decided it'd be great fun to bend my glasses a million different ways.  Amazingly, they didn't break.  I did my best to bend them back into shape - you learn a few things as the mama of 5 rough housers - but it just wasn't good enough.  We went to the mall to have an early lunch and get my glasses fixed.  Then it was off to take John to work.


The kids and I spent our afternoon celebrating Christmas with my side of the family.  We all had a great time. My kids were spoiled.  Jewel-Anne even brought home a few parting gifts.  She received a purse for Christmas.  She needed something to put in her purse so she snuck some of Cindy's doggy toys home with her.  Apparently, we are going to have to start checking her purse and pockets before we leave. LOL  When we got home we decorated the kids banks they got and put their money in it.  Afterwards it was time for a small snack and bedtime.  They are all snoozing now. 


I am sitting here in the quiet.  The only noises I hear are the smoke alarm (it beeps every few seconds to let me know it's still there) and the occasional bark from the dog.  I crave the quiet normally, but tonight it is simply too much.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  I have a good husband, wonderful kids, lots of extended family.  I am getting to build a relationship with my Dad and his wife.  There should be no reason to feel down, but I do.  Four Christmases without her and hopefully I'll be blessed with many more on this earth.  Four years of growing into motherhood.  Three extra little faces around the tree.  All I can think about is how she should be here with us.  I know God had His reasons for letting her go home when she did.  I would never EVER bring her back to this world of pain and suffering, but oh how I miss her.


I am so thankful for the TRUE meaning of this season.  I am just ready to be done with the commercialism of it for this year.  If it wasn't for the kids, the tree would already be down.  It will come down Wednesday, though.  Half the lights are already blown anyway.  Christmas Tuesday.  Mama's Glory Anniversary Friday.  I pray that the day comes that every Christmas isn't overshadowed by her death.  I have done my best to hold it together this year for my kids, but I can't do it tonight.  Tomorrow, I will paint on a happy face as we go about our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day activities.  Tomorrow, I will make sure the kids know that I love and care for them.  Tonight, though... Tonight, I will cry.


Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5 (NKJV)


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

The Gift

 

My Precious Daddy

My Sweet Bonus Mama



What is on your wish list for Christmas?  When asked this question most people could name an extensive (and expensive) list very quickly!  My Christmas list usually consists of things no one can buy me.  I want my Mama back.  I want to see my Daddy.  I want more children.  I want to see myself the way God sees me.  I'm not asking for much, am I? 


Today I received my Christmas present from God early this year.  I have been trying to make plans with Dad for the longest time.  When I could, he couldn't.  When he could, I couldn't.  The timing just wasn't right.  I have spent many days crying in the arms of my husband because this journey is such a hard one.  I am such a passionate person and when I love, I love deeply.  I have done my best not to be pushy either.  The last seven months have been one wild, emotionally-charged roller coaster. Over the past month I had talked to Dad a couple times.  He was going to be on vacation this week so we'd made tentative plans for this week.  I called him last night hoping we could plan something.  He told me that he'd look at their schedule and asked me to call again this morning.  I did just that.  We decided to meet for lunch.  That gave me an little more than an hour to shower, get dressed, go to the bank, stop at the Christian bookstore (forgot his copy of October Baby) and get to the restaurant.  I showed up a few minutes after 11 and thought for sure I was late.  I wasn't late. I was actually 20 minutes early.  Oops! On the way to meet them I kept praying God would allow us to have a pleasant visit.  God granted my wish.


They arrived and we ordered our food.  I had two gift bags with me because we hadn't seen each other since May.  I had Father's Day, Birthday and Christmas stuff for him and birthday and Christmas presents for Bonus Mama. We talked for the longest time after we finished eating.  I couldn't have asked for a better visit.  He hugged me twice and we got pictures together.  It was everything I could've dreamed of.  We said good-bye all too soon, though.  After they left, I had a couple of business calls to return so I did that.  Then I ran over to Books-A-Million to look around.  While I was there, I ran into them again.  We discussed books for a little while.  I found out that Bonus Mama likes Amish books. She also recommended a couple books for me.  I am excited to read them.


Yes, dear friends, my gift came early this year.  It didn't come in the form of presents wrapped under the tree.  It came after almost three decades of prayer.  It came seven months after this journey started.  It came dressed in jeans and a button down shirt.  The greatest gift I could've received this year was my Daddy.  He is worth every minute I have waited. He is worth every second I have spent in prayer.  This blessing is worth every tear I have shed and I would do it all again for just one moment with him. 


God, thank you for the blessing you have given me in Dad and his wife.  No matter what anyone says, every little girl wants the love of her daddy.  I am thankful that Bonus Mama has been so understanding through all of this and treats me so well.  I love them so much.  Please bless them in the coming year for all of the kindness they have shown to me.  Please give them good health for whatever time we all have left here on this earth.  Give me patience and help our relationship to grow. In Jesus name, Amen.

Granting Grace for Myself

I have finally finished all of my Christmas Shopping!!!  The kids will like what I got them.  (Believe it or not, Isaiah is the hardest to shop for.)  I am really impressed with John's gift! Gift Cards for Dad and Bonus Mama. I hate that I don't know them better.  Gift Cards are so impersonal.  Shopped for my siblings on Mom's side.  Everything is wrapped.  My box wasn't big enough to hold everything so the gifts are sitting on the coffee table in the living room.  Every day I hear "Mommy, is it "Chrisum" yet?"  Not yet, Liana. Soon, it will be.


I have really been struggling with getting into the mood to celebrate this year.  I am so thankful for my kids, but getting into the spirit of Christmas has been sooooo difficult this year.  I hate that every time Christmas comes I am haunted with memories of years past and visions of what I believe things should look like now.  My table is missing Grammie stories, 14 little hands and feet.  I am at a low point and I am just ready for this season to be behind me.  This isn't at all what God wants for me.  It's not what Mama wants for me either. 


I have been beating myself up for a month for not sticking to my diet.  I have had enough of that mental and physical torture.  I am giving myself a 3 week vacation.  Whatever goes into my mouth will not make me feel guilty.  I won't allow it.  This may not be the best way to deal with things, but it is what I have chosen to do.


On a brighter note, I received a couple suprises this weekend.  My dear, precious friend Stephanie sent me a Christmas card.  She made me cry. ;-)  I also received a card from Dad and Bonus Mama. The first ever gift/card from them.  I will cherish it.  I didn't really expect to get one of them.  Dad seems to  be the typical man who doesn't think about those things.  My thanks goes out to Bonus Mama for remembering me. 


I suppose that is all for now.  I am not sure I will be blogging for the rest of the year.  So just in case I don't "see" you before then - May God bless you with the merriest of Christmases.  I hope we all pause to thank God for His Christmas Gift to us.  That Gift is no longer a baby in a manger.  He grew up, was beaten and died on the Cross for the whole world's sins.  Now He lives forever more.  May we always remember that Christ is the reason for the season.  Please keep the CT shooting victims' families in your prayers.  Their tables will be very lonely this year, too.



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

The Joy and Sorrow of Christmas

I remember making a statement a couple months ago about having 45ish day cycles.  Of course the moment I notice this, this would change.  This morning I woke up bleeding.  Last cycle was 65 days long.  Bleh!


I certainly hope that PMS was the reason behind all of these crazy emotions I have been having.  If so then there is hope that life will become normal again.  Of course my normal would look anything but normal to most people.  ;-)  I am supposed to meet with Dad next week so it would be nice to feel normal when I do it.


Christmas is such a hard time for me.  Before the boys came into our lives, I always decorated the house the first weekend in November.  I did it because Mama loved Christmas so.  I also knew by the time Thanksgiving rolled around that I would be in no mood for the jolly season.  Christmas was bittersweet even then.  I made everything as perfect as possible for Mama, but I was dying inside.  I  just couldn't find the joy in the season when my arms were so empty.  It doesn't help matters that Elijah's due date is just after Christmas.  I struggle with knowing that there should be 24 little hands unwrapping presents, making cookies and helping Mama decorate.  Instead 14 of them will be decorating in Heaven this year. 


I am so thankful that Christ came to earth as a baby, bled and died on the cross for my sins as an adult and rose from the grave.  His life and death would've taken place even if I was the only one who needed Him.  It is really hard to separate the real reason from the commercialism of it all.  I wish I could be one of those people who looked back with a tear of joy in my eye and remember all of the good without the sadness.  I am not there, yet.  I will be one day, but today isn't the day.  When I think of Christmas I think of Christ, yes, but I also think of Mama not being here any longer and all of the things my babies are missing.  Isn't it funny how we, as Glory Mommies, think of all the stuff our Glory Babies are missing?  Yet if we stop and think about it, would we really want them to experience it all?  God's plan is perfect and His purpose was true for each of my kids.  He didn't want them to experience the sin of this fallen world.  He loved both of us enough to spare those seven of the heartbreak this world gives.  So I will pick myself up, finish the Christmas shopping I have to do, watch movies and bake cookies with my kids.  We will read the Christmas Story of Jesus' birth and celebrate the heart of Christmas.

Preparing for a Busy Week

Today has been a pretty good day.  This morning we got dressed for church, made breakfast and headed out the door.  My awesome husband made a mad dash into Walgreens for Jolly Ranchers.  Bonus Mama told me a few months ago, that if I would keep candy in their mouths  that my children wouldn't be able to talk through service.  God love her; she was right!  We still have the occasional outburst from Little Man, but  that is about it.  Now I know giving them a lot of candy isn't good for them.  I will do it if that's what it takes for the  next year or two to get them to sit through service, though.  I am not usually a candy person, but I can't seem to stay away from the green apple and watermelon Jolly Ranchers right now.  I had the pleasure of having a conversation with a lady at church.  She has such a sweet family.  I'm rather quiet at church and feel like I have to stay with the kids so I don't get around and socialize much.  She sat down beside me and we chatted for a while.  God knew I needed that this morning.  I look forward to getting to know her better.


We took John to work after church and we came home for a while.  I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine.  We talked for over an hour.  I got off the phone with her and went about my business.  Then, like a ton of bricks, this overwhelming sadness hit me.  A few days ago a friend of mine made a graphic for my Glory Babies.  It is beautiful.  I realized I hadn't uploaded it to facebook so I did.  That lead to me going to youtube and listening to some of the songs in my Glory Babies playlist.  Most days I do fine.  Things this seasons, haven't plagued me too badly.  Today it just hit me.  There's so much that I would be doing with them right now.  It is in these times of grief that my spirit looks up to my Heavenly Father and says "But I will still trust You."  Unless you have had a child die, you can't understand the pain that goes along with it - a pain like none other.  After I got the kids to bed tonight I walked out of the room to do a couple things.  As I left, the song "Finally Home" came on the TV.  This has become one of many of my "Mama" songs.


When we got to church tonight, we found out that a dear family in our church had a car accident.  The wife and daughter were fine, but Dad was taken to the hospital.  Please keep the Greene Family in your prayers.  We know that God is in control and will see Mr. Greene through whatever is going on with him.


Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day.   There are just a few days left in this year.  Our insurance will become effective mid-December, but since nothing life threatening is going on I am saving all of our all of our appointments until January.  I am going to start making appointments tomorrow, though.  There's so many things that I have let slide over the past few years.  Now is the time to get it all taken care of.  I will need to see my PCP (gotta find one) first.  I need to track down my neurology records from my childhood.  I am praying that God will allow me to be able to see the doctor who did my surgery when I was younger.  The last time I talked to them, they said he wasn't accepting patients, then.


Finding a new neurologist scares me.  I was talking with my friend, Amy, this afternoon and this subject came up.  I want to be in the hands of someone who knows what they are doing - no matter what kind of doctor I require.  There is room for exception sometimes.  I don't need a world renowned primary doctor.  I know enough about my health to know when things don't seem right and can seek a second opinion.  Being  a hydrocephalus patient who hasn't been checked out in nearly two decades, there's always the possibility that I may need to have my shunt replaced.  Should that happened, I want the best there is.  I want to know that while I'm laying on the table with someone hacking into my brain that I am not going to wake up paralyzed or  worse because of someone's carelessness.  The second doctor would be my reproductive doctors.  I want someone who knows their stuff.  I am twenty-nine.  My husband and I want a large family.  I want to keep my ovaries and uterus and I want them to work.  I also want to make sure that my doctor is as on-board with helping me get pregnant as I am.  If s/he isn't invested in my care like they should be, then they have no business having my fertility in their hands.  If you think about it tomorrow please say a prayer that God will lead me to all of the right people.  I want to have peace with the choices I make.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Climbing Back on the Saddle

I have been meaning to sit down all week and write this, but I just haven't done it.  So I have made some progress.  I made it back to the gym this week.  I was able to make it in twice.  The first day I only made it twelve minutes, but I made it twenty minutes the next time.  I could've lasted a lot longer, but my ankle is still sore.  A couple weeks ago I fell.  My ankle hurts when I walk on it now.  We are still waiting for our insurance to kick in with John's new job, but right now I can tolerate it.


There are a lot of different factors that have kept me from the gym lately.  John and I sat down and discussed how my health and weight loss has to be a priority for both of us.  We faced hard facts that if I don't do this I will die.  I don't mean to sound so morbid, but that's the harsh reality of it all. It's not like I am 10 lbs overweight. I am almost 3 times the size of what I need to be.


This week has been good and crazy and frightening and every emotion known to man.  Yesterday started off great. I was headed for the gym when I got up.  John had to run to Walmart. I ended up leaving later than what I wanted to so I didn't have time for the gym.  John told me to go have a relaxing lunch before work.  I called Bonus Mama to confirm their address for Christmas cards. I ended up being on the phone with her for over an hour.  I love our chats.  She told me Dad wasn't feeling good, though.  He has been sick.  It breaks my heart because we aren't to the place where my presence would be a great comfort to him.  Right now, that's the only place I want to be. 


It also takes me back to the days when Mama was sick.  I always swore that I would remember the good times I had with her and not focus on the bad, but sometimes it's hard not to go back to that place of suffering.  For now all, all I can do is pray that Dad will get over this little bump in the road and that God will give me peace and comfort.  I don't know how to be the daughter that doesn't "fix" things. 


John had no sooner got to work than I had to call him home.  Jewel-Anne and Liana were playing and racing through the house.  Jewel-Anne stopped but Liana didn't. Jewel-Anne hit the hardwood and busted her nose.  I couldn't get the bleeding to stop so we went to the ER.  She's fine but it took forever to get the official OK.  We went to dinner and to look at Christmas lights before we came home.  I think that eased her suffering a bit. ;-)

This morning we had a great time at church.  In a couple weeks, the kids are going to be in our church's Christmas program.  This will be the first year that my big boys get to participate in the church program.  I am excited for them.


I hope everyone has a great week.  Live it to the fullest!

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

December Tattle (Er...I Mean Weigh-In)

Date: December 2, 2012

Weight: 296.6 (done at home)

Blood Pressure:127/66

Resting Heart Rate (See below for instructions): 88

Circumference Measurements

Neck: 16.75 inches
 

Waist: 59 inches

Hips: 64 inches 

Thigh: 54 inches

Chest: 51 inches

Alright now there's the seriousness of it all. Measurements don't lie. I decided to get lazy and my measurements prove it. Here we go again. This time for real!!

My Love Dare Experience

I am going to be very open for a moment.  Have you ever known me to be anything different?  Growing up, I dreamed of being the submissive housewife and mother.  I wanted to save my first kiss and virginity for my husband.  In my heart I wanted to do all the right things.  Then my heart was deceived.  I still longed for those things, but impurity was a far easier choice.  The farther I moved from God's desires for my life the easier it became to measure my life by an unholy standard.


John and I have been together for ten years, married for eight.  During this time we have struggled in a lot of different areas. I wasn't a virgin when we started dating.  I wish I could say that was a mistake I had made only one time, but it wasn't.  Because of this, I personally have a lot of guilt and self-hatred.  I have begged and pleaded with God to make things right, and fix the problems we have had.... but He never seemed to answer.  I took matters into my own hands.  I demanded that John change the things that bothered me.  Some stuff was justified and really needed to be changed.  Other things were just irritations I had.  Still, nothing I did mattered.  He refused to change for me.  Of course, being that holy Christian, I took this as a sign that my own heart needed to change, right?  Unfortunately, I was too stubborn and too selfish for that.  In fact, most of what led us to this place was my own selfishness anyway.


A few years ago I met a friend that I became very close too.  I have met many wonderful people through this friend.  One in particular I became facebook friends with for a while but deleted her because she posted a lot of things that convicted me about my position in our marriage.  God still sent messengers my way to trying to bring me back to the place He wanted me to be.


Forty days ago, I bought a copy of The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick.  I didn't have a whole lot of expectations of this journey.  Boy was I wrong!  I have made my way through this book.  The first few days were done half-heartedly, but somewhere along the way I noticed that I was changing.  Somewhere along the way my heart started returning to home.  I am not where I want to be, even now.  Our problems weren't created overnight and it won't be fixed that way either.

I am so thankful to God for giving me a second chance.  I am thankful that John is still willing to work with me.  God meant for marriage to be a life-long commitment. Some people take that too lightly.  I was one of them.  I am thankful I realized that before it was too late!!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

November Thankfulness

This is my list of things I am thankful for this month.  There are way too many to list here, but these are the ones I chose to highlight.

November 1st - This month I am participating in "30 Days of Thankfulness." Each day I will be posting one thing I am thankful for. Today I am thankful that God thought I was worth the sacrifice of sending His only Son to die for my sins. I think of all the times when I felt defeated or frustrated during the adoption process with our kids. What we have to sacrifice today is nothing compared to the price that OUR adoption cost. Thank You God, for thinking that a sinner like me was worth being part of your family.

November 2nd - Today I am thankful for Jesus. The old song says "Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe." God sent Christ to earth to DIE for my sins. At any point along the way, Jesus could've stopped and said "I don't FEEL like going to the cross. I didn't do anything, but they are punishing me for the sins of others." He chose the cross, though. I pray that I learn to be that unselfish with my life. "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends." - John 15:13

November 3rd - Today I am thankful for my Mama. She spent her life trying to make my life better. This year has been full of information that has challenged the way I saw her, news that shattered everything I thought I knew. I know she loved me and I know she did her best to raise me right. I am thankful that she chose life for me. I am thankful for the 25 years God blessed me with this incredible lady.

November 4th - Today I am thankful for my Daddy. It has been a wild year. When I made last year's list, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the miracle was about to take place in my life. I am thankful that God brought my Daddy "home" to me. I am thankful that my Daddy was willing to accept me and start building a relationship with me. I am blessed beyond measure.

November 5th - Today I am thankful for my husband. We've had so many ups and downs throughout our relationship, but he is a good man who works hard to provide for his family. I love him and I am happy that God chose him for me.

November 6th - Today I am thankful for my Glory Babies. You guys shaped my life in ways I never imagine. The emotional journey that has accompanied your births has made my question so many things about God and my life, but I would never change a thing. I am so thankful that God chose ME to be your Mama. Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael, Jeremiah and Chloe - Mama loves you so much! I know you will have the Happiest Thanksgiving and Merriest Christmas of all because you are celebrating with Jesus!

November 7th - Today I am thankful for Sam. My first earth baby. He burst into my world full of life and sweetness one March day 4 years ago. He is such a great little boy. His heart is as big as anyone I've ever met before. He would do anything to help someone. He is the child who continuously tells me he wants to take his piggy bank to "the shelter" for the kids who need food and toys. His first Christmas with us he filled up 3 large garbage bags of toys to donate to other children. He teaches me so much about how God loves us. I am blessed beyond measure that God chose me to be Sam's Mama.

November 8th - Today I am thankful Landon. He is so full of life and spunk! He is my "cat." He rarely let's you know his love for you. He makes you work for his affection. That makes me appreciate his love so much because I HAVE to WORK for the "I love you's" I get from him. He is my comic relief, the source of my gray hair, and the joy of my life. I couldn't imagine life without him. I am so thankful God chose me to be his Mama.

November 9th - Today I am thankful for Jewel-Anne. She was my first little unexpected blessing. There are so many things she does that reminds me of Mama. She even has Mama's feet. She is my first infant. She taught me about determination. When she was born she struggled for every single milestone she would reach, but she did it! She is the ultimate sweetheart. She always has a smile on her face and is such a cuddle bug. She gave me the gift I never thought I'd have on earth - bringing a child home from the hospital and raising it. For years I prayed for 3 AM feedings and boy, did she grant that wish!

November 10th - Today I am thankful for Liana. You have been my little spunky bundle of joy since you walked into my life. You are the little Mama that helps me keep the ship running. You are amazing and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you. I am blessed to be called your Mama.

November 11th - Today I am thankful for Isaiah. You amaze me so much, Little Man. You teach me so much about how we are to love God. When I look into your eyes, I am amazed that someone could trust or believe in me so much.

November 12th - Today I am thankful for Aunt Flossie. You were just like a grandmother to me. The person I am today, at least the good things, is because of the things you taught me. Thank you for being willing to spend your retirement loving and nurturing someone who often didn't appreciate the sacrifice. It took becoming a parent to really understand all you did for me. Thank you so much for loving me!

November 13th - Today I am thankful for Suzie, Sandy, Donny and Pete (Dad's kids) - Thank you so much for sharing Dad with me. I know that none of this is easy for you guys either, but I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to get to know you. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives making up for the 29 years we missed.

November 14th - Today I am thankful for my other set of siblings - Earl, Kathy, Cindy and Paul (Mom's kids) - Life hasn't always been the greatest between us, but I am glad God blessed me with you guys. I love you!

November 15th - Today I am thankful for my church. I have finally found a place that feels like home and I am so thankful for that. God has blessed me so much through my pastor and his family. I pray that their ministry continues to grow and prosper as God would have it to.

November 16th - Today I am thankful for my friendships. God has blessed me with some wonderful friends. Some who have stayed for a season and those who have stayed "forever." Each one of you have taught me so much about life. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for each of you.

November 17th - Today I am thankful for a special friend, Stephanie McKinney. She is always there to listen to me, lift me up, and smack me around when I need it. God has blessed me beyond measure with this incredible person. I love you so much!

November 18th - Today I am thankful for Christmas decorations, movies, treats and all the things we know as Christmas. I love the sounds and smells of this season.

November 19th - Today I am thankful for memories. It is what makes me be able to enjoy this season without Mama here to enjoy it with us.

November 20th - Today I am thankful for God's blessings. As the song says "there's a roof up above me, I have a good place to sleep, there's food on my table and shoes on my feet." I am so thankful that God has always met my NEEDS. Money may get tight from time to time but I've never known what it means to truly struggle. My kids have food, clothing and shelter. That is a lot more than a lot of people have today.

November 21st - Today I am thankful for my MP3 player. You provide a great workout distraction! My mind is grateful to you!

November 22nd - Today I am thankful for turkey and broccoli casserole! Yum!!!

November 23rd - Today I am thankful for leftovers. You are so bad for my waist-line, but oh so good for my taste buds!

November 24th - Today I am thankful for service men and women. Thank you for all you do to protect our freedoms. Thank you for spending your holidays fighting to keep us safe instead of with your families where you'd rather be.

November 25th - Today I am thankful for peanut butter cookies! You are my favorite dessert. I really like it when you are full of honey roasted peanuts. *Note to anyone thinking of what to get me for Christmas - I would appreciate your gift of peanut butter cookies!*

November 26th - Today I am thankful for my favorite authors - Amy Clipston, Beth Wiseman, Cindy Woodsmall and Wanda Brunstetter! I love getting lost in the stories you share. Your characters become like family to me.

November 27th - Today I am thankful for the God-given ability to homeschool my children. I wouldn't trade this gift for the whole world!

November 28th - Today I am thankful for music! It gives memories, lifts my moods and brings so much to my family. Thank you to my favorite artists too!

November 29th - Today I am thankful for our police officers, fire fighters and EMTs. Thank you for helping keep us safe!

November 30th - Today I am thankful for the fact that there are only 25 more days until Jesus's Birthday!   

Accountability

Clumsy 
By Chris Rice

You'd think I'd have it right by now

Been practicing for thirty years

I should've walked a thousand miles

So what am I still doing here

Reaching out for that same ole piece of forbidden fruit

I slip and fall and I knock my halo lose

Somebody tell me what's a boy supposed to do

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

I'm gonna get it right this time

I'll be strong and I'll make You proud

I've prayed that prayer a thousand times

And the rooster crows and my tears roll down again

But You remind me You made me from the dust

And I can never, no never be good enough

And that You're not gonna let that come between us.

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

From where I stand Your holiness is up so high

I could never reach it.

My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah


I have been half-heartedly trying for the past 6 months to get the passion back that I felt for this journey in the beginning.  Once the newness wore off it was harder and harder.  Trouble set in and life got in the way.  Now here I am.  I am determined that things are going to change, though.  I have said that a lot for the last couple months.


God has been dealing with me a lot lately about where my heart is.  Our new church has been challenging me a lot about where I am in my life.  My heart, my priorities, my life - none of these are in the right place right now.  When Mom died, I became so hardened to life.  She was the one thing in my life that was always there and now she was gone.  Here I was, in the midst of a troubled marriage, with two little beings who depended on me for everything and my entire existence was changed.  All my life I was someone's care taker.  When I was young, I always worried about Mama.  I was Mother Hen to all of the kids around me. When I was in youth group I was the one the kids came to for gum or candy. I worked in the nursery.  I just have a heart to take care of people.  Who takes care of you when you're too busy taking care of everyone else?


My spiritual life has suffered.  "I don't have the time" has become an excuse I use quite often.  I am supposed to lead my kids in the way of God but how can I do that if I am not following Him like I should?  How can He replenish my spiritual fuel tank, if I am not plugged into Him?  My priorities are all messed up.  I am rarely home in the evenings because I leave almost as soon as John gets home.  I have hid from my life long enough.  Now it is time to do things the right way.  Surrender isn't something I do easily.  I don't think any human naturally surrenders.  God gave us free will and a spirit that wants to fight for what's right.  The problem comes when we stop looking to God to tell us what is right and start looking toward others and our own human nature.


But what would happen if I trusted the One who knows me best because He created me and knows the desires of my heart far better than I ever will?  What would happen if I gave him everything?  What would He do if I stayed on the altar and stopped jumping off The Potter's Wheel?  How would my life change if I live with total abandon for what others think?  If I stopped putting human desires above God's will for my life?  What would happen if I lived with wreckless abandon and became totally sold out for Christ?  As a teenager I knew what that picture looked like.  I don't believe it would look the same as it would if I did it right now.  I cannot go live in the mission field. I am not in a place right now to open a house for unwed mothers wanting to give their babies up for adoption.  What would this picture look like right now?  Fear of the unknown is what keeps me frozen right where I am.  Fear is what keeps me from doing what God wants me to.  Fear is what keeps me from living and doing what God has called me to.  Fear is Satan's vehicle used to keep me from reaching God's potential for my life.  The sad thing is that I handed him the keys and told him to lead me and I'd follow.  (Ouch!  That sounds horrible for a Christian to admit, but it's the truth.)


I want my life to be an example of Christ.  I want to be someone who finds her self-worth in Christ and not other people's opinions or things.  I want my kids to grow up with a clear sense of who they are in Christ and that will only happen if they are taught the right way.


I wrote this to keep me accountable.  I need a spiritual parent/friend/etc to keep me accountable for where I am.  I need someone who constantly challenges me to be God's best for me.  I ask that you pray for me to be.  Please pray that I will step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to be surrounded by the people that God will place in my life help encourage me.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. - Galatians 6:9 NKJV



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

A1C - November 2012

Confession Time

My healthy eating has went out the window for the past couple months.  I knew I was doing it.  I cared more than I would have a year ago but not enough to stop.  I thought as long as I ate one meal a day that I could eat whatever I wanted.  That worked fine as long as I was eating healthy 99 % of the time.  My weight has went up and down and up again.  I do not want to be a yo-yoer any longer.


Sam came out of my room a few minutes ago and brought me one of my at-home a1c kits. I tested it and it was 6.0.  It is still relatively good for a diabetic, but it isn't near as good as what I had when I went to the doctor last time.  I won't be going back to the doctor until January.  I am due to go back in December, but why waste the deductible? Due to me forgetting my meds, I will have enough to get me through.


That brings me to my next point.  I cannot remember to take my medicine to save my life.  Before I got my new phone, I had a reminder to take my medicine each night.  Now I keep forgetting to set my reminder. Ironic, huh? Alright I stopped long enough to set my alarm to take my meds.  I should be good to go.


Here we go again!!

From the Outside Looking In

Lyrics to Broken (Beautiful) :

We're broken in two with love as an anchor
There's nothing to do but give in, give in

Mirror less eyes give off a reflection

The moonlight is fair as we rise again



Oh, can we move on, can we move on

From the love we've left behind?

Oh, can we move on, can we move on

From the love we'll never find?



We're giving into sweet desperation

When all this is through, we'll give in, give in

Channels of grace give off the aroma

Of love mixed with pain and hope raised again



Oh, can we move on, can we move on

From the love we've left behind?

Oh, can we move on, can we move on

From the love we'll never find?



The world is broken in too many pieces

But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful

My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries

But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful



Oh, can we move on, can we move on

From the love we've left behind?

Oh, can we move on, can we move on

From the love we'll never find?

Yeah


The world is broken in too many pieces

But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful

My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries

But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful

I am the product of a broken/blended (whatever you want to call it) family of thirteen children.  Now, I didn't  grow up in my Dad's family, but they are still my family.  I am the youngest out of all 13.  I grew up with Mom's kids.  Mom's second youngest child is 13 years older than me.  Just when she was nearing the parenting finish line, I was the little surprise.  I guess the age difference is one of the reasons why I feel the way I do.  My oldest brother has children that are all less than 10 years younger than I am.  In fact, I have a great nephew who is only 4 months younger than Jewel-Anne.  We are just in different seasons in our lives.  While I was in diapers, they were in high school.  When I was in elementary school my brother was having babies.  I am not sure whether this is the reason I feel the way I do or not.


In sixteen days I will celebrate the 6 month "anniversary" of meeting Dad.  I have enjoyed many phone calls with Dad and my Bonus Mama, but I have only seen them one time.  I am still waiting for the right time to meet my "new" siblings.  My sisters S and S seem to be very sweet people from what I have seen so far.  I have no idea what they feel about me.  It is for this reason, I have a hard time contacting them.  I don't want them to feel like they have to try to like me just to be nice.  When I met Dad my two biggest fears were that 1) He would hate me and reject me or 2) He would pretend to love me no matter how he felt about me just to be nice.


Right now my closest link to Dad's side of the family is watching my sisters sing each week on their church's TV program.  Each week I get to watch one or both of them singing praises to the Lord.  They are wonderful singers.  I love to listen to them.  It is a bittersweet experience that I have each week.  This is the only link I have to them right now.  I enjoy being able to experience time learning about them without all of the "awkward-ness" of our situation.  The down-side is that it  makes me feel like this is the closest I will ever get to them.  Will I ever know what it's like to sit down and have a meal with them?  Will I ever know what it is like to go to church with them?  Will I ever celebrate holidays, birthdays or special events with them?


Most of my life I have felt like I was on the outside of life looking in.  I felt that way with Mom's kids.  I felt that way in elementary school.  I REALLY felt that way in youth group as a teen and even as an adult.  I felt that way when I worked outside the home.  I have always felt that way with my husband's birth family.  I feel like the only place I really belong is being Mama to my precious babies.  I feel that way with Dad's kids, too.   It's nothing they have done.  It's nothing anyone else has done.  I think it's just me.  You know, there is a scene in October Baby where she's at the doctor and is talking about some of the emotions she feels and to be honest I can relate to a lot of them.  I feel like I am just existing on borrowed time and always in someone else's way.  I hate that feeling, BTW.  If I had things my way, I would live my life not caring about what anyone else thought or whether they liked me.  There was a brief time in my life that I got to experience that freedom that comes from not caring what others thought.  I have done everything to try to regain that feeling again.  Nothing has brought it back though.


I am not really expecting advice or answers.  Lisa is perfectly fine.  I am just pouring out words onto this virtual sheet of paper.  I wish life were different, but this is the road God has chosen for me to travel.  Are there lessons along the way I am supposed to learn?  I am sure there are.  Are there others who will be inspired by the crazy war that goes on between my ears? I doubt it, but I will choose to be obedient just in case there is meaning to all this madness.


Weight Loss Mama

National Adoption Month

 

 

November is National Adoption Month!  I am so extremely thankful for my precious babies that God brought to me through adoption.  In a couple days we will celebrate Liana and Isaiah's adoption anniversary.  It's hard to believe that it's only been a year since their adoption.  Even harder to believe is the fact that just 5 years ago, Mom, John and I were sitting in a classroom preparing to welcome Sam and Landon into our lives.  We had no idea where our lives were about to take us, but I am so thankful we said "Yes Lord!"  What would've happen if we had denied the gift because they weren't in our TIMING or wrapped up in the pretty little BOX we'd asked God for?


Over the years I have met some pretty fantastic people all because of adoption!  Some I would've never known, some I've known only through facebook, some I would've known but not been able to understand what they were going through.  The case workers, attorneys, GALs (some more beloved than others), friends and family.  I am thankful for those who cared for my kids before they came to me.  Thank you to J and R who stepped up to care for Sam and Landon.  Thank you to the nurses at MMC who cared for Jewel-Anne.  Thank you to the countless people who stood up to love on Liana as she made her journey home to us.  Thank you to the awesome staff at FSRM and  ETCH for caring for Isaiah and for the excellent treatment I received during the time I spent with him there.  Thank you to the staff of Choices Resource Center.  Thank you to a special lady named Amy Rigmy.  Your foster care adoption story helped me know we were doing the right thing.  Even though we've only had a couple conversations over the years I think of you and pray for you often.  Thank you to our birth mothers - without your willingness to give our children life, I wouldn't be able to call them my own.  You've given me the greatest gift one woman can give to another.  I will never be able to express my gratitude to you enough. 


There are a some special people I have to thank as well.  Thank you to our friend Jeff Stroud.  You stepped up and helped us get the ball rolling.  God used you to speak to us saying "It's time."  You helped us get started on the path to adoption.  Without you we wouldn't have Sam and Landon.  God planned their story down to the minute so much that if we'd waited ANY time, we wouldn't have got to be their parents.


Thank you to Stephanie.  In the time I have known you, you have been a great source of strength, information and love for me.  You've kicked my behind when I let others walk all over me.  You helped me find the courage to fight even harder for my kids.  You are the one person on this earth who truly understands this journey because you are fighting it right here, two steps ahead of me!  I am thankful for all the people in my life who have prayed us through this, but to have someone who completely understands where you are in invaluable.  You are always there for me and my family when we need you. You care for my babies just like I would.


Thank you to John.  You stood by me through miscarriage after miscarriage.  You were strong for me when I couldn't be.  You were willing to go on this long, wild rollercoaster called DCS Adoption.  You sat in classes with me amidst the tears still fresh from grief.  Five different times I called you at work to tell you that God had blessed us with another child.  You walked through the door with a smile on your face and no idea how our lives had just changed. ;-)  You have been here every step of the way.  I know that there is no one else I'd rather have taken this journey with.  I love you.


Thank you to our precious Glory Babies.  Without each of you, I wouldn't be the Mama I am today.  Thank you to Michael.  God timed your entrance to our lives perfectly.  OUR plan had been to wait until the following year to start the adoption process.  God gave us you to interrupt our plans.  Days after we found out that you'd gone to Heaven, I told your Daddy that after we'd had a little while to heal, I wanted to start classes.  You were looking out for your brothers even then. 


Most of all, thank You God for loving me, my husband and my kids enough to adopt each of us!  Thank you for all of the people known and unknown who played a part in our journey.  Thank You for extending grace through the pain and tears, strength for my weakness and for caring for my babies even before I could.  Thank You so much for not giving me what I thought was my idea of perfect.  My arms would be so empty if I had waited for that to happen.  I am thankful you know what is best for me. 


Adoption has touched my life in so many ways.  I am so thankful God placed me on this journey.  The road has been long, and often difficult, but there is nothing that compares to the rewards I've been given.  If you are sitting there and have been thinking about adoption, the time is now! Please don't wait a moment longer.  There are over a million children waiting to find their forever homes.  Private Adoption is wonderful, but DCS kids are some of the most amazing little people.  They deserve to have love, too!  I have done 3 infant placements and I cannot imagine my life without them.  Equally as special, though is my the adoption of my big boys'.  Older kids deserve to be loved just as much as the babies.  I challenge you today to let God out of the box you have placed Him in.  Release Him from your idea of perfect and say "yes" to His desire to bless you.  You won't regret it.  If you are ready to say yes, but don't know where to start, please email me.   I want to pray for you and help you get started. 


Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. - James 1:27


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

A Discussion about Grandkids from an Eight Year Old's Perspective

We just finished putting theChristmas tree together. All the kids are asleep except for Sam. Sam and Dad were talking about grandkids. I asked Sam how many grandkids he was going to give me.

Sam: Ah about 99 or 100.
John: Oh really? What do you think your wife will say about that?
S: I think she will say I need to hire about a thousand babysitters. Then again she might just do the Tangled thing and hit me in the head with a frying pan.
J: when do you plan on telling her about your plan?
S: After kid number 84. I don't want to scare her too early!

Day 1 Take 2 - Getting Back to the Gym

Good morning world!  Today is the day to make all things new so that is what I am doing!  I stopped by McDonalds this morning to get John and the kids breakfast.  I decided I wanted something too so I ordered two McGriddles.  The ironic part is that I don't even really care for them that much!  This is one of the many reasons I don't eat breakfast!


Yesterday was very hard for me.  I tried to talk to John about some things on my heart but kept picking all the wrong times to talk to him.  We never really got to have the heart to heart I wanted.  What I did get were a lot of hurt feelings that weren't even really all his fault.  Sometimes getting that alone time is hard when you have so many little ones all vying for Daddy's attention.  By the time bedtime rolled around I was to tired to think.


The gym is an area where Satan chooses to make his battle field.  Guilt is something I struggle with so much.  There's the guilt I feel because I leave my kids.  There's the guilt I feel because John ends up having to do everything and doesn't get a break.  There's all the time I have with my thoughts.  My mind is a terrible, horrible place.  It's so easy to avoid the thoughts I have when I am constantly distracted, but The Beast and hot tub provide nothing to distract me.  It is the place where I come together with my greatest hopes and fears, joys and pains, happiness and heart aches.  I try to use this time to push into God's presence, but I feel like I can't quite get there.  While there is lots of apprehension about going back, I will do it.  And you know what?  I KNOW that once I get there that
I will feel so good about myself because I faced my fears - I fought The Beast and won!  There isn't a whole lot that feels better than proving to myself that I CAN do this.  I know I can. 


Right now I am sitting right at 1100 calories.  That leaves me with enough calories for a healthy salad after I go to the gym tonight.  I am looking forward to the gym but not the pain that come with those first few visits.  I don't enjoy the pain I feel right now either so I will do what is necessary to make that stop - like staying away from the McGriddles! ;-)

Getting Back Up

I have made several posts over the last couple weeks completely disgusted with myself because I had lost my drive to proceed with this journey.  I knew I needed to do it.  I wanted to do it.  I guess I just thought it wasn't that big of a problem.  I knew I was gaining weight, but I didn't realize exactly how much.  Today I walked into clinic with Landon, who had a doctor's appointment this morning also, to get my shot.  I decided I would get my medicine today.  I haven't really been taking it like I am supposed to.  I had thought about waiting until I had lost back down to where I was so I would only have gained a couple pounds.  The more I thought about it, I would rather face the music and have the praise later for losing again. 

296...

296...

296!!!!

 

 

To think that a year ago that would've been a beautiful number to see.  I remember when I first seen that number, how excited I was.  Now that same number makes me feel like such a failure. For anyone keeping track here, I have gained 12 pounds since my last clinic weigh-in.  I feel terrible, stupid, and a whole host of other things that I have allowed myself to do this, but what's done is done. I could continue to harp on myself for what I HAVEN'T done. However, I am chosing to extend grace and forgiveness to my human self and move forward.  So that is what I will do.  I have church tonight, but then it's back to the gym again. 

 

 

I knew something was up because I had stopped moving enough for my body to start hurting when I move around.  My walking up the steps nearly kill my knees.  I know what I have to look forward to.  I ask that each of you pray for me.  If you see that I haven't blogged much or that I am slacking PLEASE say something to me.  I'd rather have my feelings hurt than to end up back where I was. 

 

 

I am actually looking forward to seeing what the next  month will bring.  YOU should look forward to lots of whiny facebook statuses and blog posts about TB again.  I am excited about those nice, hot showers full of water pressure that is to die for!  The hot tub has been calling to me for a long time.  LOL  In all seriousness though, I feel better when I am working out.  Please pray for strength and wisdom to work through all of the aches and pains!

 

 

 

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. - Galatians 6:9 NKJV

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama



Accepting Who I Am

For the longest time I have tried to make me fit into the box that everyone said I should belong in.  Everyone longs for acceptance.  Everyone wants to be loved.  Everyone wants to be liked by their peers, family, co-workers, etc. In my teen years I had built up such walls that I didn't really care what others thought about me.  I wish I could say that was still true. 

Somewhere along the way I started caring what others thought about me.  I wanted to be the parent that everyone looked up to.  I wanted to be the parent who had everything together and whose children never talked back to her, always behaved, and were always respectful toward others.  I mean, who really DOESN'T want these things?  I think everyone wants to be the one other parents dream about being.  I have made myself miserable with this image that the average person will never measure up to.  One of my "go to" people for parenting advice is Jimbob and Michelle Duggar.  They are wonderful Christian parents who never yell or lose their temper with their kids.  Everyone who watches them will attest to the wonderful parents they are.  Then I look at myself. 


Last night, our Pastor preached on being the person God created YOU to be.  He told a story of his own children.  One of them is very  musically talented, while another is a wonderful home-maker.  Neither of them were happy with what they had because they were too focused on what they weren't.  It wasn't until they both embraced the people God created THEM to be that they were truly happy.  Boy, could I ever relate to that.  


When I look at myself I focus on what I am not.  I am not the most patient person.  I am a mom who has 5 kids living at home.  We homeschool, too.  Most days I sit and think "wow, I wish I had it together like Mrs. So and So.  I wish that my kids behaved better.  I wish they didn't want to scream all the time.  My house is one of the noisest around. It doesn't matter if they are happy, sad, mad, scared, etc. They just like to scream! I do my best to curb the noise, but it just doesn't happen.  I stopped calling people because of a comment a friend made one day while I was on the phone with them. 


My kids wear me out! I love them to death.  I wouldn't change ANYTHING big about my life.  Sure I wish my house was quieter, but I have learned to embrace the noise.  I spent many years with a clean, quiet house with very empty arms.  I remember when we were doing foster care that I would have to schedule visits first thing in the morning or else my house would be a disaster.  I tried to schedule visits when John would be home because I couldn't have a conversation otherwise.  My kids are just little balls of energy who love almost anyone and feed off each others' behavior. 


Late last year there wasn't a day that went by that John didn't come home from work to me in tears because I was so emotionally spent.  Between case workers, therapies, appts, court dates, not to mention being the mom to 5 under 8 (including an infant and 2 toddlers) I just couldn't take it anymore.  I nearly killed myself trying to take care of everything because I wanted to be the wife whose husband came home and didn't have any responsibilities.  The past several weeks I have been going out every single night after John gets home.  He takes care of dinner and bedtime.  I usually grab something for dinner and read, do my Bible study, make my weekly call to Dad/Bonus Mama.  I take some time just to unwind from the day.  Most of the time my husband is very understanding and encouraging of this.  He has his moments where he just needs my help that night so I will come home and help out. 


Yes, I wish that I was the wife/mom who never needed a break.  I am just not that person.  It is ok to have help.  It's ok to expect my husband to help care for OUR kids.  It's ok that my kids are a little more lively than the average children.  They are awesome kids, even if they don't fit into someone's (or even my own) mold of the perfect child!   My goal in life is only to please God.  If I do that then everything else will fall into place. 


So here is my confession!  I am a Christian Mama who is a slight control freak.  (I am having to learn to let go of that control that I *think* I have. I am learning I am in control of nothing besides my own actions.)  I am get my hair done (although my hair dresser would say not nearly often enough), my nails done, have massages and goes out each night to unwind.  My husband and kids help with the chores.  I love my family to death.  There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them.  After allowing myself to get so stressed out that I live in pain daily, I am learning to extend some grace to myself.  It's ok to take care of myself.  If you are the kind of person who would judge me for that then please understand I am a work in progress.  I am not who I want to be, but I am changing into the person God wants me to be.  All of the other expectations just don't matter!

Searching for Home

My family has been looking for a church for a while now.  We are members of a fantastic church, but we've felt that God was calling us in a different direction for a while now.  We've checked out a couple different churches, but none of them felt like home. 



We had a discussion about what we NEEDED (wouldn't compromise) from a church and then there was what we WANTED (would be nice, but not necessary) from a church.  For our family we NEEDED a church that understood and respected our decision to worship as a family.  When I was growing up, we didn't even sit with our friends at church. We stayed together as a family.  I feel like God intended for the family to be together during worship.  It is our responsibility to raise our children in the Lord, so why would I send them off to someone else for them to be taught without me?  Our number one priority was to find a church that understood respected encouraged us to be the ones making these decisions.  I have no problems with children's church for those who choose to use it, but it shouldn't be forced on those who choose to "pew-parent" either!


The church we found absolutely had to preach the Bible on every subject.  Today's pastors seem to preach a water-down, make sure we don't hurt our offering with a little bit of the truth, gospel.  The Bible says you are either cold or hot.  The Bible is very clear about what is wrong and what is right. We needed a church that would tell us the truth even if it didn't feel good or even if it did hurt this week's offering.


During this discussion, I told John that we would know that we were where God wanted us because when we walked in, it would feel like home!  Now, home isn't the place where you go and everyone agrees with you.  It isn't the place you go where everyone is exactly like you.  Just like our family, we knew that there would be disagreements from time to time, feelings would be hurt, and we wouldn't always be told what we wanted to hear.  It would be the place where we go when we needed truth, where we were loved and accepted for who we are as humans and the place that helped us grow stronger.  It is a place where my children (who are tiny humans who don't pay tithes) would be respected as much as the man who stands up on Sunday morning and puts a grand into the offering plate.


Our list of wants could've been extensive, but they really weren't.  Good praise and worship music would be nice, a cry room would be nice, etc. Again, these were just wants, though.  They wouldn't be the deciding factor of whether we chose to stay at a church. 


Last Sunday, I sat down at my computer and was checking my e-mail.  I'm subscribed to Gil and Kelly Bates' blog.  The blog stated that they had started a church.  For those of you who do not know them, they are a precious local family who homeschool.  They have a rather large, conservative family.  I really admire them.  Even though I'd never met them before, they are someone I've looked up to for a long time.  Mama Kelly has all of the attributes I hope to have when I "grow up."  While no one is perfect, she always seems to be able to give a kind answer to anyone.  Not only that, but these parents are homeschooling veterans.  I feel like I could learn so much from them.  I immediately told John what I had found and told him we must check it out.  Saturday night, we called the hotel they are currently holding services at to find out what time service started.  We were never able to get a clear answer, really. 


We ended up showing up super early for church.  We had a lot of time to fellowship with everyone before Sunday School.   Sunday school was great.  It was simple enough so that it spoke to the kids, but was also geared toward the adults.  The Pastor asked questions and Sam actually answered one of them.  After the lesson was over, Kelly (the pastor's wife) came up to Sam and told him how proud she was for knowing the answer and for being brave enough to give it. (Oh she has only begun to discover the bravery of my children's mouths!)  One of their daughters sat in front of our family.  She was so kind to my children.  She asked me if Landon could sit with her.  I told her no because he doesn't tend to behave well enough to sit with anyone else.  She looked at him and made him promise that he would behave so he could sit with her next week.  It just amazed me that someone so young, who doesn't even know my family, was showing love to my children.  I have said it time and time again, the way to my heart is through my children.  Be kind to them and you will make a friend that no one could love you better, but if you hurt them you better pray for God's help because you will see Mama Bear.  Service was much the same way as Sunday School.  Music wasn't typical praise and worship music like we are used too.  It is the country, Baptist church music that I grew up on.  The hearts of those who were leading the music was amazing, though.  The sermon, like the Sunday School message, was on a level where the children could understand it but the adults didn't get lost in the simplicity of it either. The Pastor gave us a homework assignment for the month.  We are supposed to be memorizing Psalm 100.  It has been amazing to see my children working to memorize the scripture.  Liana has even been trying to do it with us.  Today I got a really cute video of her repeating Psalm 100:1. 


John and I have talked a lot since Sunday.  I won't say that we are 100 % sure we will stay, simply because it takes time to truly find that out.  I will say that I got the answer I was looking for, though.  We walked in and immediately felt like we were home.  It is rather intimidating to be around someone I look up to that much.  I often wonder what someone like that would think of me when I am at my rope's end and I yell at my kids, or the fact that my house probably won't be spotless for the next 18 years, the fact that my kids behave less than perfect 99 % of the time, etc.  Even with all of that, I still felt at home.  That was a feeling that I had hoped for, but never truly expected God to give me from anywhere I went.  In my 29 years, I haven't found a whole lot of places that feel like home.  I am still amazed when God decides to show off and bless me like that even when He doesn't have, too.  I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for our family.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

The Heart of A Child's Worship

I am listening to some of my music on itunes this morning.  I am sitting in the living room with Liana.  Landon's doing chores.  Sam and Isaiah are playing in their room. Jewel-Anne is still sleeping.  Mama is enjoying the semi-quietness of my house before the chaos begins - the calm before the storm.  I was checking some emails and messing around on facebook.


The song Completely came through my playlist I looked up to say something to Landon and what I seen brought tears to my eyes.  My precious little girl, eyes closed and arms stretched toward Heaven was dancing to and singing with the music.  Sometimes I forget that my babies aren't babies anymore.  Even the smallest ones are growing and understanding more. 


It's moments like this, after hard days, that God uses to humble me.  What, on this earth, was God thinking when He blessed me with these precious little ones?  I am so unworthy to be their Mama.I will never understand why God chose ME for this great task. He, who sees my past, present and future thought that I was the perfect person for the job? 


God, did You realize how I would daily fail at this task?  (He whispers "Lisa, I created YOU.  I knew you before I formed you.  I know you better now, than you will ever know yourself. Of course I knew you would fail.)


Didn't You realize that I wasn't equipped to be everything they needed me to be?  (In Your weakness, I will be your strength.  My grace is sufficient to make up for your faults.  I have the power to supply everything you need to help ME shape their lives into what they need to be.)


I don't deserve the love they show me.  No matter how much I fail, they are forgiving and love me in a way that a can't be described as anything but amazing.  Being their Mama has taught me far more about God's love for His children that I could've ever learn any other way.  They daily teach me how we are to approach God, our Heavenly Father.  They teach me about faith, how to trust and how to love.   I think they are teaching me far more than I will ever be able to teach them.  I am so thankful for them.


Lord, I will never understand how or why you chose ME to be their Mama, but I am so thankful that You don't see me as I see me.  Please help me to be all I need to meet their needs.  Apart from You I cannot complete the task You have set before me.  Please give me a limitless supply of strength, wisdom and patience!  Help me to remember to stop and think before I speak when I am angry.  Help me to find more ways to show them how much I love them.  Help me to speak to and capture their hearts.  Help me draw closer to You so that I can lead them to You also.  I want them to be followers of You, good parents and a friend to those who need one.  I want them to come to You because of my example and not inspite of it.  Thank you for loving me enough to bless me so much. Amen.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Landon's Missing Tooth

Yesterday was crazy, crazy, crazy!  Did I mention that it was C-R-A-Z-Y?  Each morning John meets his friend at the hotel so he can ride to work with him.  Sometimes I drive him.  Sometimes he walks the mile so I don't have to get the kids out in the mornings.  Yesterday was his first pay day from the job so I chose to take him to the hotel.  We went to the ATM, filled the van with gas and stopped at McDonalds for breakfast.  The guy ended up over sleeping so I ended up taking him to work.  By the time I got home I forgot to give Landon his medicine until 11 AM.


Work was incredibly busy yesterday.  I scheduled four people before lunch.  In the middle of this I was doing school work with all of the kids, making lunch, etc.  You know, all of the stuff that forms the job of being a Mama.  Around 4, I stepped outside to take a call from my boss.  I sent the kids to play in the girls' room.  I was outside for about 10 minutes when Sam and Landon rushed to the door.  Sam looked like he was about to meet death row.  Landon was grinning like he had just won a shopping spree at ToysRUs.  It was then I noticed that Landon's tooth was missing.  I immediately hung up the phone to find out what was going on. 


Last year, Liana bought a set of pool floaties with her allowance.  They stay in her toy box and she plays "swimming" with them often.  Landon was blowing one of them up.  Sam jumped off the toy box at that moment and landed on the float knocking Landon's tooth out.  Sam immediately started apologizing.  I told him that I knew it was an accident and that he wasn't in trouble.  Landon, still grinning, looks at me and says "You owe me money now!" 


This is totally the story of my life.  This will definitely be a story that we will remember.  "Normal" doesn't exist in my life, at least not the way everyone else would define it.  That's ok with me, though.  Normal is boring!  My days are anything but boring! ;-)


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

The Ups and Downs of This Journey

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10715;47/st/20120908/n/Headache+Ticker/k/422b/age.png"></a>

I had this really long blog post (do I know how to do any other type) typed out and some how I lost it.


I am sitting here with a confession to make.  I have really struggled the last few months.  I gained some of my weight back, but now I am in the process of losing again.  I had gained back up to 292 but I am currently 287 so that is good.  That is what I will focus on.  I am still losing.  I stumbled, but I've picked back up again. 


I really started struggling sometime between March and May.  Life was pretty mild back in March, but when I seen the movie October Baby.  All of the emotions that I had been suppressing for 28 years came flooding to the surface and I was an emotional mess.  I created this emotional hell where I would meet this man who hated me even though he was supposed to love me.  The flipside of this nightmare was that he would love me and everyone else would hate me.  Even now I am still struggling to see where I fit into his life.  He is a great man.  It's all just really weird.  This is only the tip of the iceberg with my stress though.  Family, jobs, financies, and a host of other things plague my thoughts.  It's a never ending movie that I cannot turn off. 


So now I set here trying to navigate through all of this.  I need to get back into a healthier routine.  I looked back at my weight tracker today.  I was sure I would be disappointed.  A couple days before I met Dad I was at 304.  Today I am at 287.  I have lost 17 lbs in the last 4.5 months.  It's not the greatest, but I will own it.  I am proud I did that well.  I have lost a couple pounds this week alone when I didn't think I would.


Last week, as part of my new routine, John made me go out each evening.  I left when he got home and took some time to de-stress.  I have been going to Waffle House.  It's by far not the healthiest choice, but it is what I have been wanting.  I have been taking a book and my new Bible Study by Beth Moore along with  me.  I set there for a couple hours and just enjoy the time I have away from everything.  It is not as quiet as I could have if I went somewhere else, but the noise doesn't bother me too much.  Even with me eating more carbs than I would like, I have still lost 2 lbs this week.  That is pretty good for me.


For those of you keeping track, I am still housing this headache.  This is INSANITY, but I am thankful for the days when the pain isn't as intense!


I ask for your prayers.  I really need the strength right now.  Thank you so much to those who have stuck by me and have been an encouragement to me.  You are amazing.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama