We're broken in two with love as an anchor
There's nothing to do but give in, give in
Mirror less eyes give off a reflection
The moonlight is fair as we rise again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
We're giving into sweet desperation
When all this is through, we'll give in, give in
Channels of grace give off the aroma
Of love mixed with pain and hope raised again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
Yeah
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
There's nothing to do but give in, give in
Mirror less eyes give off a reflection
The moonlight is fair as we rise again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
We're giving into sweet desperation
When all this is through, we'll give in, give in
Channels of grace give off the aroma
Of love mixed with pain and hope raised again
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we've left behind?
Oh, can we move on, can we move on
From the love we'll never find?
Yeah
The world is broken in too many pieces
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries
But the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful
I am the product of a broken/blended (whatever you want to call it) family of thirteen children. Now, I didn't grow up in my Dad's family, but they are still my family. I am the youngest out of all 13. I grew up with Mom's kids. Mom's second youngest child is 13 years older than me. Just when she was nearing the parenting finish line, I was the little surprise. I guess the age difference is one of the reasons why I feel the way I do. My oldest brother has children that are all less than 10 years younger than I am. In fact, I have a great nephew who is only 4 months younger than Jewel-Anne. We are just in different seasons in our lives. While I was in diapers, they were in high school. When I was in elementary school my brother was having babies. I am not sure whether this is the reason I feel the way I do or not.
In sixteen days I will celebrate the 6 month "anniversary" of meeting Dad. I have enjoyed many phone calls with Dad and my Bonus Mama, but I have only seen them one time. I am still waiting for the right time to meet my "new" siblings. My sisters S and S seem to be very sweet people from what I have seen so far. I have no idea what they feel about me. It is for this reason, I have a hard time contacting them. I don't want them to feel like they have to try to like me just to be nice. When I met Dad my two biggest fears were that 1) He would hate me and reject me or 2) He would pretend to love me no matter how he felt about me just to be nice.
Right now my closest link to Dad's side of the family is watching my sisters sing each week on their church's TV program. Each week I get to watch one or both of them singing praises to the Lord. They are wonderful singers. I love to listen to them. It is a bittersweet experience that I have each week. This is the only link I have to them right now. I enjoy being able to experience time learning about them without all of the "awkward-ness" of our situation. The down-side is that it makes me feel like this is the closest I will ever get to them. Will I ever know what it's like to sit down and have a meal with them? Will I ever know what it is like to go to church with them? Will I ever celebrate holidays, birthdays or special events with them?
Most of my life I have felt like I was on the outside of life looking in. I felt that way with Mom's kids. I felt that way in elementary school. I REALLY felt that way in youth group as a teen and even as an adult. I felt that way when I worked outside the home. I have always felt that way with my husband's birth family. I feel like the only place I really belong is being Mama to my precious babies. I feel that way with Dad's kids, too. It's nothing they have done. It's nothing anyone else has done. I think it's just me. You know, there is a scene in October Baby where she's at the doctor and is talking about some of the emotions she feels and to be honest I can relate to a lot of them. I feel like I am just existing on borrowed time and always in someone else's way. I hate that feeling, BTW. If I had things my way, I would live my life not caring about what anyone else thought or whether they liked me. There was a brief time in my life that I got to experience that freedom that comes from not caring what others thought. I have done everything to try to regain that feeling again. Nothing has brought it back though.
I am not really expecting advice or answers. Lisa is perfectly fine. I am just pouring out words onto this virtual sheet of paper. I wish life were different, but this is the road God has chosen for me to travel. Are there lessons along the way I am supposed to learn? I am sure there are. Are there others who will be inspired by the crazy war that goes on between my ears? I doubt it, but I will choose to be obedient just in case there is meaning to all this madness.
Weight Loss Mama
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