Real

I don't really do New Year's resolutions. Most people do not make it to February with theirs. I do like to make a few small goals of things that I'd like to see myself complete before 2015 is over, though. Ok, I guess you could call that a resolution, but I prefer my way of thinking. ;-)

This past year has been very difficult for me. It has held great challenges. I my husband left. I got to experience life as a single mom for a while. I was able to see God move in a mighty way as He restored my marriage. 2014 has been a very big year. I found out who my real friends were and who really weren't.

Somewhere along the way of my life, I have lost who I am. I have been who everyone else thought I should be.  I have been the daughter someone else thought I should be. I had such a desire to please my mom growing up, that I truly didn't discover who I was for fear of disappointing her. I'm the wife who strived to be who everyone else thought she should be. I've been the mom who tried to measure up to everyone else's expectations of perfect. I have been the friend who would never quite let people in to see who I truly was for fear of rejection. To be honest, I am just now discovering who I am. It is a battle I fight every single day. I have lived most of my life doing things I certain way, believing that it was the only right way to do things. The struggle is real, my friend.

With much encouragement from my husband, my best friend and my therapist, I am taking 2015 to discover who I am. What I really like to do. What I really think. Most importantly, who Christ wants me to be. The most damaging thing about this "perfect" life I have tried to create was that I stopped looking to God for His standards of perfection and started looking to those who I thought had it all together. The Duggar Family, the Bates Family, my friends who I thought were perfect moms and wives. Now, that is not to say that I don't have great respect for these people or families. I have spent almost two years under the leadership of Gil Bates as my pastor. His family is great and they are very godly. They are who God has called them to be. God has not called me to be Kelly or Michelle or anyone else, though. He's called me to be Lisa - wife to John and mom to twelve amazing children. He's called me to be a mom to some amazing glory babies and five amazing "earth babies." He has also called me to be me. A person who may fail miserably, but who will get back up and try again. He has called me, in all of my imperfections, to discover who I am so I can be the wife, mom, and friend He expects me to be. So this year, I am going to set out to be REAL.

Mama

When You Lose Your Joy

The last few years have been so full of ups and downs for me. Spring of 2008 we received the boys into our arms and hearts.  It was during this time of happiness six years ago that I lost Mom. She died just three days after Christmas. She was my best friend and it shook me to the very core. In the midst of grieving we welcomed Jewel-Anne (Spring 2009). Spring of 2010 we welcomed Liana and Isaiah. There has been plenty of happiness to go around. This year we are celebrating the homecoming of my husband. I have so many reasons to celebrate, but my heart still hurts. 

All of the things (not people) I love about my life no longer fill me like they used to. I am burnt out in so many ways and I don't know how to fix it. A few months ago I started counseling and it's helped, but I still feel so empty inside. My kids, while not perfect, are precious kids. My marriage is better than it's ever been. So why do I feel like this? 

What do you do when you lose your joy? I have been trying to seek God, but it's like He's hidden His face from me. I try to fill my life with things that would help me get out of this rut that I'm in, but nothing works. John has been awesome through all of this. He'll hold me and let me cry when I need to. He's trying to make sure I have more time out of the house so I can recharge. Nothing works. 

If I could have one thing for Christmas, it would be to reclaim my joy. To be able to enjoy life and embrace every moment with open arms instead of feeling panic and dread. For Christmas, I just want to be whole again. I feel so lost. 

Mama