Pain in the Midst of Joy

Today is my bonus mother's birthday.  I called her this morning to wish her a happy birthday.  We had a nice conversation.  I hope she has a great birthday.  I am so thankful that God has brought her into my life.  When Mama died, she left this huge hole in my heart.  I felt so lost as a woman, as a daughter and as a Mama myself.  No one will ever take Mama's place and B wouldn't try to do that.  She has provided comfort to my weary soul, though.  In addition to having a friend to talk to she's helped bridge the gap with Dad also. 


After I talked to her for a little while, Dad walked in the house.  We talked for a few minutes.  Both of us had things to do this morning so our phone conversation was cut short.  I felt very giddy when I got off the phone.  Inside of me still lives the little girl deseperate to win her father's love and affection.  The most difficult part of the whole process is that you have two grown adults trying to navigate a relationship that is typically grown when the child is too young to talk back, voice an opinion, etc.  The conversation I had with him went really well, but it's so difficult knowing where we should be.  I struggle trying to constantly remind myself how blessed I am to have found my Dad.  We are just in this weird stage where we are both trying to find our way. 


I wish I had grown up knowing my Dad.  I wish he would've been there all my life.  I wish I could've been there when he'd gotten sick a few years ago.  I wish I could be there now.  I can't speak for him or how he feels about all of this.  I just know I feel very lonely.  In the midst of the joy, there is always pain.  Pain that longs for the should've, could've and would've of yesterday.  I wish I could break free of the chains that hold  me.  I wish I could have the boldness to say "Dad, I love you. I know this is hard for you. It is hard for me, too.  I don't want to make things harder for you, but this is what I need." 


I had a really hard day a few weeks ago.  I made a list of things that I needed from my Dad.  The list is very private and won't be shared here.  The fact is that I will probably never share it with him either.  I am so afraid of chasing him away that I will probably never be able to open up to him.  I would rather play a game of cat and mouse with him than to scare him off for good. 


The other day my best friend Stephanie said "Lisa, to know you is to love you."  I sure wish I could see what other people see when they look at me.  To me, I am just a broken woman trying to figure out this mess that resides between my ears.  When I look in the mirror, I see the daughter that was unwanted, a wife who doesn't measure up, a Mom who falls short every day, a friend who isn't supportive enough and a woman who is just so tired of trying to be everything and worry about everyone.  I wish for one moment I could see with God's eyes and see what He sees when He looks at me.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama - The Broken Edition

First Official Day of Work

So today was supposed to be my first official day of work.  Thankfully, everything didn't get switched over though.  This morning before I called my boss, I was talking to John about call-forwarding.  He informed me that I was incorrect in an assumption I made.  This led to an hour conference call with my boss and we are going to get a seperate line to use for the business.  Hopefully, in a couple days everything will be live.  I am so thankful that God worked things out so that John could be home just a little longer.  It was nice to be able to have the uninterrupted phone call with my boss.  He even attempted to give me a small break tonight.  It didn't work out quite like we'd planned, but it was truly the thought that counts in this situation. 


This morning while on the phone, I had one of those "you know you're a mama when..." I was locked in my bedroom and couldn't find a pen so I was taking notes with Crayola crayons. Yes, this is definitely a new chapter in my life. 


The evening has been pretty good too.  We had an issue with dinner where one of my children decided that dinner time was playtime.  He didn't believe Mama when she said "If you get up again, your plate won't be here when you return."  Needless to say, he's not very happy with me.  Hopefully, he will learn to sit at the table next time. 


I will leave you with this thought.  A question I posed to friends on facebook earlier and I'd like you to weigh in, too.  Once trust is broken, is it possible to ever fully restore that trust?  What do you think?


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

A Good Weekend

This has been a pretty good weekend.  Yesterday we celebrated Sam's birthday (a week late) with family.  He had a wonderful time. Mrs. Cheryl waited on us at Chili's.  She is such a precious lady and we love her to death.  She is so patient and kind with my kids.  I will say it again - the quickest way to move this mama is the way you treat my kids.  If you are kind then you won't find a better friend, but NO ONE wants to awaken Mama Bear!


I've been to the gym 4 times this week.  TB is kicking my tail, though.  My first day back at the gym, I completed an hour of TB.  The days since then have been 30 minute days due to time constraints.  Yesterday, I squeezed in a trip to the gym before going to Sam's party so I was very proud of myself.  I love my quiet, uninterrupted showers.  They are so nice.


Today, the kids and I stayed home from church because Liana wasn't feeling well.  Sam said he wanted to play with the babies.  While he did that Landon and I cleaned house.  We moved furniture, swept and organized everything in the living room. We also completed my room, the girls room and worked on the bathroom.  Landon's reward for being such a sweet helper was a lunch date with Mama.  We had a great time and even ran into our former Pastor.  It was nice seeing him and his family. 


Tomorrow is my first day of work.  I am so excited, but I feel so unprepared.  I feel like I will mess something up.  I know my boss is only a phone call away, though.  I shared my heart with John this afternoon about my nervousness.  He took the time to stop and pray with me.  That may sound like no big deal to most, but I couldn't tell you the last time that happened.  Something so simple made my day. 


Life is changing so much that you'd think I wouldn't have time to stop and think about anything.  I wish that were true.  I can't seem to get my mind off Dad, though.  I miss him so much.  I can't wait to see him again.  John tells me all the time that he can't wait to meet Dad and B.  I have told him so many stories about my phone conversations with B that I am sure he feels like he knows her already.  I am thankful that he understands the need for me to take this slowly, though.  He gets frustrated when he sees me longing to see Dad so, but he is trying to respect the decisions I have made. 


Today, John got the phone call telling him he was officially hired for the company he applied for. He found out on Friday that he had the job, but this was the official seal of approval.  It came with a couple emails with all of his pre-employment paperwork and info for his drug screen which he will take tomorrow.  My time with him is slipping away.  He has been working part time for 9 months now.  While the additional income will be nice, I will miss him being here all the time.  Now don't get me wrong, I am glad he'll be out of the house more.  I have one more month before he starts work, though.  I am going to make it count.  My "honey-do" list is getting longer. ;-)


Well most of my kids are already asleep.  I am going to take the time to read some of my book and enjoy the quietness of my house before my husband comes home. 


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

My Circle of Friends

The last post I made, inspired this one.  When Mama died, I was so distraught. I was facing life as an orphan. I had no one to teach me all the things a Mama would teach. I remember looking at John and telling him that I didn't have near enough time to learn all I needed to from her. Here I was 25 years old, but the boys had only been with us 9 months. Who was going to teach me all the things I needed to know. Oh the things she was going to miss. I still miss her so much. There are times when I think I won't make it another minute, but God is generous with His healing power.


God has surrounded me with many women who have played a part in helping me get through the days without my Mama.  This is my chance to give honor where it is due and to say thanks for being part of my circle.  These women lift me up when I am down, laugh when I laugh, cry when I cry, some of them smack me when I need it.  God has brought each of them into my life with a unique purpose, but each of them are precious to me.  I love them so.



Stephanie is my best friend. She is the one I can go to when I am having a bad day. She lifts me up, lightens my mood and prays for me. I don't think there's anything I could tell her that would make her think badly of me. She's seen me at my worst and my best and has supported me through both.   She is also the friend who isn't afraid to hit me over the head with the truth if she needs to either.  It doesn't hurt that she has my gorgeous bonus babies either!



Julie has been a great source of strength to me.  I have known her for ages, but have never met her.  She's always there to listen and offer as much support as she can from the miles that separate us. I am grateful for her friendship.


Then there's my friend Amy. I can go months without speaking to this woman and pick up the phone and it feels like we talk every day. If I need her she's there for me. I love her kids like my own. She's been my homeschool helper. She is the most gentle Mama I have ever met. I have NEVER heard her raise her voice at her children. She is my inspiration to become a better mama.


Eileen is my encourager.  She's always there when I need it.  We hardly ever see each other face to face, but  if I need her she is there.  She always tells me those things that Mama would say if she was here.  I have know this precious lady most of my life.


Casey is like my little sister.  I love her to death.  She is such an encouragement to me and I don't think she even knows it.  She is so precious to me. 


Lynn, sweet and precious Lynn.  I have known this woman over a decade now.  We've went to church together since the mid 90s.  She was just that lady I seen at church.  My mama died on a Sunday.  I was at church when she died and we didn't find her until we got home.  That was one looooonng week.  Sunday we went back to church.  I found myself reliving every single thing I had done the week before.  At the end of service, the Pastor called us all to the altar.  As we were being dismissed Lynn walked up to me and put me in one of the tightest Mama hugs.  I was a huge mess at this point.  I just cried for what seemed like forever.  When I looked up at her she said "God told me that you needed a Mama hug."  I told her what had happened. She told me that she'd be praying for me.  She has honored that statement since.  If I need prayer, she's always there willing to pray for me.  The world is a better place because of this Godly woman.


Last but not least, there is B - my bonus Mama (also known as Dad's wife).  I have blogged about her a lot over the last couple months.  She is a true example of Christ's love.  I do not know any other woman who would be as gracious as she's been since my arrival in her life.  In one of our first conversations she told me "If you're D's daughter then you are mine too."  She makes me laugh.  She makes me cry.  She has weclomed me into her family with open arms and loves me just like my Mama would.  She's very sensitive to Mama's position in my life.  She's never said a bad word about her.  She's a fiesty lady with a huge heart.


Let's not forget the "little women" in my life.  My daughters teach me what it means to love and be loved every day.  I am blessed to be a part of their lives.  I pray I can be half the woman they think I am. 


All of these women have been God sent into my life.  They are part of my inner circle.  Each relationship is different, but each is uniquely special.  I love them with all of my heart and will be eternally grateful for them.  Thank you to each of you. 


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Pediatricians and Sweet Conversations

This morning, two of my children had appointments with the pediatrician.  I woke up at 6:30 when I was supposed to be out of the house by 7.  Yeah, it was mild chaos in our house for a bit.  We got Sam and Isaiah ready to leave.  Isaiah had his appointment in May, ,but his triglycerides were elevated.  They wanted to recheck him while he was fasting.  I was really proud of Sam because he told me he wasn't going to eat breakfast until his little brother could have his, too.  As soon as blood was collected they enjoyed a baggie of Fruit Loops. Isaiah's blood work was fantastic as was Sam's.  At eight years old, Sam is such a little thing.  He is 4'1" and FINALLY made it to 50 pounds!! My kids and I need to switch problems.  They can't gain, and I have to work like crazy to get the weight off me. 


The highlight of my morning was when the pediatrician walked in the room.  There are several in the practice my kids go to.  This morning we were seeing my favorite guy.  He is a sweet old man who probably has grandchildren who are my age.  He walked in and said "Wow, you have lost weight!! Your hair is red now, too!"  I said "Yeah, I have 70-some pounds now.  The hair is compliments of my hair dresser, though."  He said "Well you look great! Keep up the good work!"  This man isn't only concerned with my kids, but he's taken the time to get to know ME.  He also asks about all of my kids when he sees them.  He knows each of them by name, too.


On the way home, I stopped by FedEx to mail a computer to Dell for repair.  Isaiah enjoyed finding the censor for the automatic door.  He kept jumping on it and laughing like he'd seen clowns in the circus. He was so funny.  After I left there I called John to update him on the kid's.


On my way home I called to talk to Dad's wife, B.  We had a wonderful conversation.  I just love listening to her talk.  She touched my heart when she told me she'd been worried about me because I hadn't called in a couple weeks.  I still look at myself as a huge inconvenience to this family.  They've done nothing to make me feel that way, but I still feel that way.  In fact, they have been nothing but kind and welcoming to me.  Dad and I are still finding our way.  We are all still navigating our way through all of this craziness, but B treats me like I've been a part of their lives forever.  She tells me stories about our family, stories when my siblings were kids, stories about when SHE was a kid.  She talks to me about Dad.  She loves to talk and I love to listen so we get along great. 


As far as "step moms" go, I have one of the bests.  She will never take the place of my Mama, nor would she try.  She's always been very kind when she speaks of Mama.  In one of the first REAL conversations we had, I was very apologetic because I was such a disruption to their lives.  She said the words I will never forget the rest of my life. "Honey, if you are D(Dad's name) then you are mine too. I have never made a difference between his kids and mine."   I hate the term "step mom."  I refuse to call her that.  I call her my Bonus Mom.  I mean no disrespect to my Mama when I call her that either. No one will ever take the place of my Mama, but B deserves more respect than the title of "step mom."


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Weddings Make Me Cry

Today was a very emotional day for me.  My niece got married this evening.  She was a gorgeous bride.  The wedding was amazingly sweet.  I wish her a lifetime of happiness.


With that being said, today brought up a lot of emotions that I had to deal with.  Life is changing and I'm being forced to ride the bus whether I want to or not.  I am trusting in the fact that God knows where I am going even when I don't.  He has already walked this road before me and He will carry me when I can't stand any longer.


Yesterday was a big day for our family.  John had an interview with a company (A).  It seems that things went very well.  He also got a job offer from another company (B).  He will be taking company the position with company A if things work out.  The insurance and benefits are better there.  


So much is going on right now. I don't feel prepared for any of it. I trust that God will give me everything I need to do His will.


Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

Completing the October Baby Bible Study

This has been a really good day.  I am very thankful for that.  This morning I woke up to the sounds of Landon doing his chores.  Unfortunately, he woke the rest of the house up with his cleaning.  I'll take it, though! 


I took this time to get out of bed and start my day.  Landon earned WiiFit time so he did that while I read my Bible.  Over the last month I have read more of my Bible than I ever have.  While I am ashamed to admit that fact, I am proud of myself for finally digging in and getting into it.  I always had a problem taking God's Word and applying most of it to my life. There are some things that are easy to make sense of (don't commit adultry, don't steal, etc). Others I am left asking "What did You mean for me to learn from this?" Then I ran across the passage that says "If any of you lacks wisdom..." (James 1:5) while reading through the book of James.  Since then I always start by asking God to give me His wisdom so that I may read His Word through His eyes.  There are still some things I struggle with understanding, but God is faithful and will provide the wisdom I seek. 


When John got home from work, I caught a quick shower and went to my friend Stephanie's house to babysit my "bonus babies."  These are the kids I get to love on, enjoy for a while, then return to their parents when the day is done.  LOL  In all seriousness, these kids are really special to me and I love them like my own children.  I am so blessed by this family and they are part of my family as much as my own siblings. In my eyes, these kids are my nieces and nephews.  I will love and protect them as I would my own kids.  We had a great time.  ZR decided that I needed to see all of her clothes!  The boys were great, too.  Unfortunately, shortly after I arrived it was lunch and nap time so we didn't get that much time together. 


Wednesdays are shot days so I headed to Clinic after leaving Stephanie's.  Thankfully, I got a good nurse so the shot didn't hurt at all.  There is this one nurse there that makes me feel like I am dying every time she sticks me.  There is one nurse there that makes the shots painless.  The other ladies are good at their jobs and make sure the pain is minimal. 


Tonight was sandwich night at our house.  Everyone had their part in helping Mama prepare dinner, something Daddy does most of the time now.  They had fun.  After dinner we played for a while and Daddy went to church.  Bedtime was fairly easy tonight, praise God! 



This morning I also finished up my October Baby Bible Study.  This was a four week study that has really challenged me in the way I view my life and those around me.  It is so hard to believe how much this movie changed my life.  I stand in awe of the fact that God knew, before I was even born, how much this movie would change my life.  I am so thankful to the writers of the movie who followed God's call to make this film.  I know that many lives have been changed and many more will be in the years to come.  On a personal level it means so much to know that God would ochestrate all of this even if I was the only one who was ever impacted by the movie. 




In thinking back over the last six months of my life, I am amazed with how much God has changed me.  Finding my father seemed to be nothing more than a nice dream that would never come true.  Even if it did come true, I was convinced it would be a nightmare.  I was almost paralyzed by the fear that things would end badly because I was so afraid of taking that chance.  I am so thankful God gave me the courage to push forward.  Even if things had ended badly, at least I could have peace knowing I did all I could.  Thankfully, that isn't the case.  Things have been great with Dad.  We have had many phone conversations and are looking forward to seeing each other again soon.  These months have been filled with many difficulties and situations that were hard to face, but the blessings far outweigh the work that it's taken to get here. 



It doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months since I first met Dad.  In my life there was this missing piece and Dad fit the puzzle completely.  As I type this it doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months.  It seems like he's been a part of my life forever.  That's not to say that there aren't challenges and days when I struggle (as I'm sure he does) with where we are.  It's complicated, messy and very emotional, but it's worth it!  I spent my entire life dreaming of the time when I could pick up the phone and call him.  God carved my dreams of Dad out to be exactly what they needed to be to make this work.  Forgiveness and healing have been gifted to me by my Heavenly Father to be extended to my earthly father.  I continue to pray that his other kids will one day be willing to build a relationship with me as well.  I know none of this is easy on them, either. 


I will always be grateful to the creators of this movie for the part they played in my story. I don't know that I would've ever had the courage to contact my Dad. I am thankful that God brought my Dad home to me. I look forward to many years with this incredible man.

On September 11th, October Baby will be released on DVD.  I highly recommend you purchase a copy of it for your family.  Pastors, show this film in your churches.  Buy extra copies and give them away.  If it saves one life, it's worth it!  Also, please join me in praying for these post abortive women.  They need to know that there is forgiveness when they turn their lives over to God and repent.  They need to know that God still loves them and that He is waiting with open arms to welcome them home. 


Tonight as I close this entry, I will go to bed with a full heart.  I am blessed beyond measure because of the life God has given me.  I am in awe that He loves me so much. 


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

It's Not About You Either!

Today has been very emotional.  I am bleeding which means I am extra tired and very emotional.  That means water works are an every 15 minute occurance and I have to remind myself not to bite people's head off.  I have went Mama bear on a couple people!!


John got a call for a job interview tomorrow, his second interview for the day.  The second one is for a job about 10 minutes from where Dad lives.  John said "While we are up that way..."  That was the wrong thing to say to me.  First, neither of us (Dad and I) are ready for Dad to meet the kids.  We need time to get to know one another first.  We have talked on the phone a few times, but have only met once.  Please do not misunderstand me, my decision to wait has nothing to do with trusting him.  He is a kind man.  It has everything to do with the fact that I waited YEARS for this and I need that time with him for a while before it becomes about him being Dad and Grandpa.


Secondly, he needs more time to get used to the idea of me being in his life. I spent years searching for him.  He's had me in his life for two minutes.  He has been very understanding of my arrival in his life, but it is a big adjustment.  I am sure he thought he'd go his whole life without me.  He has said he's thought about me over the years, but I am just something I'm sure he never thought he'd have to deal with.  I am doing everything I can to give him the space he needs while letting him know I care. It is a delicate balance and I won't even pretend that I know the magic formula for this.


It really bothers me when someone gets angry with me because I won't push harder.  It bothers me even more when someone gets mad at him because he isn't being more proactive in this situation.  There is only ONE person who deserves to get mad at him and it's me!  If I can forgiveness for him then no one else has any right to judge.  I love him enough to give him the time he needs despite what I want.


The last few weeks while my life has been going nuts, the only thing I have wanted to do is to run to his arms and have him hold me while I cry, to be able to pour my soul out to him and him give me reassurance that all would be ok, to share my troubles and have him give me the that Godly wisdom that can only come from my Daddy.  I want to be able to visit him at work, be in the neighborhood and stop by his house, or go to church with him.  Those are all selfish things that I desire.  My love has matured through this process.  I have realized that it's not all about me. 


While I appreciate those around me who love me enough to want the best for me, I need you to understand that my Heavenly Father has this in the palm of His hands.  I will still have times when I need to vent, but I know that this situation is taken care of.  I will defend Dad's rights and choices with my dying breath, though.  You may not understand them.  Perhaps you wouldn't have made the same choices, but they were/are his. We are both handling it the best way we know how to.


It's not about me, but it's not about you either!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Cycle Musings and Observations

TMI ALERT
(You have been warned!)



Good Sunday morning to everyone! I hope today finds you blessed.  My family hadn't planned on going to church today, but it's a good thing we hadn't.  Yesterday evening, I started my period.  I knew I had ovulated and wasn't expecting my period for a couple more days, but God had other plans I guess.  That led me to start studying my charts and here is what I found.

Jan 01 - 74 days (m/c Jeremiah)

March 15 - 42 days, O'd CD 29, LP 13

April 26 - 49 days, O'd CD 32 (M/c Chloe), LP 17

June 21 - 44 days, O'd CD 32, LP 12

 

 

My January cycle started with my miscarriage of Jeremiah.  It was 74 days long.  I wasn't paying any attention to my signs or symptoms then because I didn't think I'd see another period for a year or more. 

 

 

When March arrived and I found myself starting another cycle I started paying a bit more attention, but not enough to really temp or anything.  Based on my symptoms I ovulated on CD 29 and my LP was 13 days long. 

 

 

April cycle was 49 days long.  This was the cycle I miscarried Chloe.  I ovulated on CD 32 and my LP was 17 days long.  Because I was a couple days late, I thought I was pregnant again, but I wasn't.  That is ok though.

 

 

June's cycle was 44 days long.  I ovulated again on CD 32, but my LP was only 12 days long.  This time I was using progesterone cream because I know my progesterone tends to be low.  Usually, I have to stop the progesterone for a couple days before my period comes, but I was still using it when my period arrived yesterday.

 

 

Now this could be a problem because a normal LP is 14 days long.  A short LP can keep the baby from implanting so I need to look into that. It is just nice to see some sort of pattern in my cycles.  Hopefully, as I lose more weight, my cycles will get closer to normal.  I am excited to see what this cycle does.

 

 

Blessings,

 

 

Weight Loss Mama

August Fitness Challenge

Life has been crazy lately so I will just start anew.  I don't think I even made a list for month 7.  Finances are tight right now so it will be a couple weeks before I can really get back to the gym. With that in mind, here is my list for month eight.


AUGUST FITNESS CHALLENGE

NUTRITION CHALLENGES

1. I will start food journaling (again).
2. I will drink more water.
3. I will cook at home more often. (Huge struggle for me because I snack when I cook)
4. I will try at least one new diet friendly recipe this month.
5. I will work on decreasing my sodium intake.


FITNESS CHALLENGES

1. I will work out on WiiFit at least 14 times this month.
2. I will go to the gym at least 10 days this month.
3. While at the gym, I will start using the weights.
4. TBD
5. TBD


SPIRITUAL / EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES

1. I will finish "What If Your Blessings Come Through Raindrops" Devotional by Laura Story. 
2. I will finish my "Every Life Is Beautiful" Bible Study.
3. I will schedule a meeting with Dad.
4. I will take one day/night each week for me to regroup and relax.
5. I will blog daily.


Let's get this done!