Today is my bonus mother's birthday. I called her this morning to wish her a happy birthday. We had a nice conversation. I hope she has a great birthday. I am so thankful that God has brought her into my life. When Mama died, she left this huge hole in my heart. I felt so lost as a woman, as a daughter and as a Mama myself. No one will ever take Mama's place and B wouldn't try to do that. She has provided comfort to my weary soul, though. In addition to having a friend to talk to she's helped bridge the gap with Dad also.
After I talked to her for a little while, Dad walked in the house. We talked for a few minutes. Both of us had things to do this morning so our phone conversation was cut short. I felt very giddy when I got off the phone. Inside of me still lives the little girl deseperate to win her father's love and affection. The most difficult part of the whole process is that you have two grown adults trying to navigate a relationship that is typically grown when the child is too young to talk back, voice an opinion, etc. The conversation I had with him went really well, but it's so difficult knowing where we should be. I struggle trying to constantly remind myself how blessed I am to have found my Dad. We are just in this weird stage where we are both trying to find our way.
I wish I had grown up knowing my Dad. I wish he would've been there all my life. I wish I could've been there when he'd gotten sick a few years ago. I wish I could be there now. I can't speak for him or how he feels about all of this. I just know I feel very lonely. In the midst of the joy, there is always pain. Pain that longs for the should've, could've and would've of yesterday. I wish I could break free of the chains that hold me. I wish I could have the boldness to say "Dad, I love you. I know this is hard for you. It is hard for me, too. I don't want to make things harder for you, but this is what I need."
I had a really hard day a few weeks ago. I made a list of things that I needed from my Dad. The list is very private and won't be shared here. The fact is that I will probably never share it with him either. I am so afraid of chasing him away that I will probably never be able to open up to him. I would rather play a game of cat and mouse with him than to scare him off for good.
The other day my best friend Stephanie said "Lisa, to know you is to love you." I sure wish I could see what other people see when they look at me. To me, I am just a broken woman trying to figure out this mess that resides between my ears. When I look in the mirror, I see the daughter that was unwanted, a wife who doesn't measure up, a Mom who falls short every day, a friend who isn't supportive enough and a woman who is just so tired of trying to be everything and worry about everyone. I wish for one moment I could see with God's eyes and see what He sees when He looks at me.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama - The Broken Edition
No comments:
Post a Comment