Eleven Years Ago Today

Today was a very special day for me.  It marked the 11th anniversary of mine and my husband's first date.  I woke up this morning before he got home and day dreamed all morning about what I was doing 11 years ago at that very minute.  I remember most of it like it was yesterday.  I remember getting ready for church.  I remember riding to church with my friend James'.  I remember the first time I seen him that morning.  He sat with his arm around me all through service while I fought the urge to puke the whole time. My nerves were going crazy.  

We had a very typical, teenage first date.  We went out to Burger King for lunch.  Then we went to see a movie.  Afterwards, we sat and talked for the longest time before we went back to church for the evening.  I feel in love with him that day.  I knew we would one day be married.  

The past eleven years have had many ups and downs in them.  Mom's health was already declining when I met John.  About seven months after our first date we moved to Georgia so Mom could be closer to my sister.  John came with us, although, that kind of surprised me.  It wasn't long after we arrived that Mama had a heart attack.  Over the course of a month or two she'd had a heart attack, open heart surgery and an amputation.  It was quickly determined that John would need to quit his job to care for her because neither my sister or I could lift her.  Over the next few years he was always willing to do whatever needed to be done.  When we moved back to TN, we made the decision that  he'd go back to work right after our wedding.  He took a night time job so he could be home during the day to transport Mom, now a double amputee and wheelchair bound, to all of her appointments.  I cannot count the number of days he got very little to no sleep.  

Then the  kids came along.  Before we got involved in foster care we had 4 miscarriages and have sense had 3 more.  There were years of fertility treatments.  Tons of parenting classes for foster care.  Endless phone calls and tears with me crying because I was so stressed out.  Through it all he was there with me and was my rock.  

After Mama passed away, I didn't know how I would  make it.  I don't remember a lot from that time, but I remember collapsing in Walgreen's parking lot in tears.  I remember being at the grave yard and refusing to leave.  Everyone was trying to make me get up, but he just put his jacket around me and let me stay until I was ready to go.  He stayed up nights with me as I cried until I could cry no more. He reassured me that, no I would never forget her.  

He has held me when I cried, held my hair as I dealt with the battles of morning sickness, encouraged me when I felt unworthy, and rejoiced with me in the good times.  The last eleven years have held a lifetime of changes.  Most of those changes would've sent any other man running for the hills, yet he has stayed.  That is not to say our marriage is without it's trouble.  We have sure had our share of that, but John has been faithful to be there. In a world that is constantly changing, he is there...even when I don't want him to be. ;-)  

If I could go back and do it all over again, there are a whole lot of things I would change.  People I would've left behind sooner than what I did.  There are relationships I would've severed a lot sooner than I did because they were toxic for my marriage.  Despite the things I would change, one thing is certain - I wouldn't change the life I have built with my husband for anything.  

I seen a quote on facebook the other day that said "I married a sinner and so did my spouse."  I am so glad John has been faithful to love me through my own imperfections.  I really don't know what I would do without him. 

Today, his gift to me was amazing.  He worked last night so when he got home I went to the pharmacy to pick up his medicine and stopped by Walmart.  His anniversary gift from me was a pack of gum.  His gift to me was much more sacrificial.  Even though he was very tired, he knew that I was having a bad day and he let me nap while he stayed awake with the kids.  He made dinner for them tonight so I wouldn't have to.  I realize we've reached the status of "old married couple" now because this is the way we choose to celebrate.  There was nothing he could've given me that meant more than a lazy day at home where I could rest.   

Blessings, 

Mama

Flare

The past two weeks I have felt really good.  I've had a bit of tiredness, but all in all things were pretty good for me.  I was getting really excited.


Today we had some errands to run and had planned to head to Gatlinburg for the day. I should've known better. I woke up and felt like I couldn't move.  All I wanted to do was stay in bed.  That wasn't an option, though. I got up and got a shower, got the kids ready and we were on our way.  By the time I had finished running my errands, I looked at John and told him I jut couldn't make the trip to Gatlinburg.


We decided to try to take the kids to see Turbo.  That didn't go well either.  Jewel-Anne and Isaiah decided they were allergic to sitting in their seats so we got a refund, bought a couple DVDs at Walmart and came home.


I had hoped that I would be able to get to bed early.  It's Saturday so I had to stay up to wake John up for work.  The kids decided that Mama didn't need to rest.  Isaiah fought sleep like crazy tonight.  Jewel-Anne and Liana wouldn't sit still so they went to play in their room for a bit.  It was so past Jewel-Anne's bedtime that she crawled onto my bed and passed out.  Now, Liana is laying on my bed watching Lilo and Stitch.


I have realized I am having a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) flare up.  It's amazing how you don't realize that things are improving until they start to decline again.  I had finally got to the point where I could walk without being out of breath after two steps.  Today, I had John to drop me off at the door of the mall. I didn't even make it across the sidewalk without being winded. While out today, I found that the simplest tasks required way more brain power than usual.


CFS is a monster that does not like to be messed with.  When I try to fight against it, my body rebels against me.  My hope is that this newest flare will be short-lived and I can get back to normal very soon.  I do not have time for this.  There's too much stuff to be done that only I can do.  I'm going to make this week as simple as possible, though. Hopefully, after a couple days of rest things will start to improve.


Blessings,

Mama

Looking Back

Wow, what would I do without facebook for pictures? I am sitting here going back through some of my old ones. How did my babies get so big?  It seems like just yesterday I was nearly in tears because the case worker was late bringing Sam and Landon to us. Then the page turns and it seems like just yesterday since I disrupted everyone's day to help bring Jewel-Anne home. Just yesterday when I called John to tell him he had yet another daughter and Liana came quietly into our lives. (That is the only placement I accepted without discussing it with him). It seems like just yesterday I was sitting at my child's birthday party being torn into because I couldn't see Isaiah yet. Once they let me have him, I held him for hours in the hospital, just the two of us until my sister showed up. Where did the time go and how did my babies get so BIG? Sam is going to be nine in less than a month. Landon is seven. Jewel-Anne and Liana are FOUR and Isaiah is three. How did that happen?

Life isn't always easy, but I am so thankful that God chose me to be their mama. I am still in awe that of all the women He could choose, He thought I was the right one. I feel so ill-equipped sometimes. More times than I care to admit, I am lost in a sea of choices and I don't know if I'm making the right one. I just have to trust that God's grace will cover my mistakes and that my kids will turn out to be well-rounded individuals who love God first and foremost whether it is because of or in spite of me.  But I hope it is because of me.  It is overwhelming to know that every choice I make is shaping the character of these five precious beings.  It fills my heart with joy to see them finally learn something that I have been trying to teach them.  It breaks my heart when they pick up on the bad qualities I have.


The past few weeks have been very stressful in our house.  I have been guilty of not being on top of things like I should.  There are a lot of deep-rotted heart issues going on in our family and I'm struggling with getting to the bottom of them.  Ok, that is a lie.  I am struggling with how to even begin to address them because nothing I have tried so far is working.  Some things I know the cause of.  Some things are pretty easy fixes.  Some things I can't do a thing about.  Then there's the category of things that Mama has no clue how to fix.  It is times like these that I miss my own Mama the most.  I need her wise counsel.  I'm sure she would be as lost as I am, but it makes me feel better to think she would have all the answers.


I am dealing with own issues in the midst of all of this.  I'm sure that doesn't help the issues the kids are going through.  Tonight I started The Love Dare Parent's Edition.  I am hoping that helps me reconnect with my kids and work on my own heart issues.  I want to be the Mama these kids deserve.  Right now I feel a little like I'm sure David did when he stood up against the Giant.


Lord, thank you for the beautiful blessings you have entrusted me with.  I ask that You please forgive me for the times I have failed You.  Please forgive me for all of the times I've strayed from the path that You've set before me and tried to do things my own way.  Please help me to realign my priorities with Yours.  Please help me to show my husband and kids that they come second, only to You.  Forgive me of my selfishness and pride.  Forgive me for taking the lazy way out in the times that You had something better in mind.  Lord I ask that You would give me the wisdom and courage to do what is necessary to win the hearts of my family.  In Jesus Name, Amen.


Blessings,

Lisa

Time for a New Plan

Last year life changed for me when I met my dad.  I started dealing with a bunch of emotional stuff and food became my go-to friend as always. I was barely hanging on to my weight loss plans.  January came and I got the news that the fertility specialist wouldn't work with us and my world fell apart.  My whole reason for wanting to be healthy was for my kids.  My driving force for losing weight was to become pregnant and those dreams came crashing down.  Life started happening and my health went crazy...stress and anxiety are very, very bad for a woman who finds comfort in eating.  When I first started having panic attacks and the doctor thought it was my heart, he told me to come home and "rest as much as possible" until my cardiology appointment.  Here I am, months after seeing the cardiologist, and I've become a huge couch potato.


I have gained back most of my weight (if not more) I lost.  I'm not sure because my scale needs new batteries.  The real eye opener came the other day when my smaller clothes started getting snug and bending over started to hurt again.  My knees and joints hurt.  I am pretty much miserable.  However, I don't have the means to get to the gym and it's too hot to exercise outside.


So how I can I fix my problems?  I'm really not looking for lectures about how I can do things differently.   I know I could go walking with the kids.  I know there are ways I could do this at home.  I also know there is a computer, tv, couch and a bed that far outweigh my desire to exercise.  I need to go back to the gym and start making better food choices. That is really the only this will ever work for me.  I cannot do it at home.  I just can't.


I know I need to be healthy for my living kids. But right now that isn't motivation because I AM here now.  My motivation comes from my desire to get pregnant.  I lost 75 lbs because I wanted to become pregnant. It took me two years to do it but I did it.  It kept me in the area of the straight and narrow.  I didn't always make the best choices, but I made far better ones than I am now.


I love kids and I want a bigger family.  I want to be able to decide whether or not I can have more children and not have to seek approval from the state.  I want this to be able to be a decision between God, my husband and me.  I would love to adopt again in the future, but my desire to be pregnant isn't just about having a child. It's about proving that my body didn't fail me.  All the way through the Bible you read of God blessing couples with children and not just young women either.  There's Sarah who was close to a hundred. There was Hannah who was infertile.  She prayed and believed God for a child and He granted her request. This is a faith thing for me.  I have struggled so hard with knowing that God has the ability to fix this area for me, but knowing that He hasn't yet makes me feel like I must be some horrible person.  Rationally, I know better, but that doesn't change the way I feel.


Because of John's work schedule, he will not be able to watch the kids so I am going to have to find a way for them to have child care while I am at the gym.  I think the gym provides child care, but I will have to look into it.  Anyway, that is where I am right now.  I will try to update more often.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama