And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ - Matthew 25:40 NKJV
Good Monday morning to you. I hope that you are starting the week of understanding how blessed you are. No matter how bad things get, remember that God loves you! He won't allow you to go through one trial that He hasn't already walked through Himself. Take heart that the One who created you will go before you to secure your steps.
I spent yesterday thinking about this blog post. I wanted to write it, but I just didn't take the time to stop so I could put it into words. I will do that now. This weekend I saw Jesus. I saw Him with my own eyes. I saw Him in human form, not once but twice!
Last week my husband learned about a family who'd been staying at the hotel he worked at. The family consists of Dad, Mom and a little boy. This family has faced a lot of hardships. They are homeless, right now. All of their worldly possessions fill 2 Wal-mart bags. The more I learned about this family the more I realized I had to do something to help. Dad is currently looking for a job, but most people won't hire you if you don't have a permanent address. They had very little food. Each had only 2 outfits. The little boy only had 2 toys. Last week was the little boy's birthday. He turned 5.
We are in between paydays right now so I was trying to figure out what WE could do for this family. Not very much at the moment, but when we got paid I could. I put a plea for help on both of our facebook accounts then I called my sister, Cindy, to see if she knew of anyone who had toys for the little boy. She said she'd see what she could do.
In the meantime my sons heard me talking about what was going on. Sam is so kind hearted that he would give the shirt off his back to help another person. You could see tears forming in his little eyes as we talked about their situation. Landon waited until Daddy got home because he didn't believe that something like this could really be happening. After Daddy confirmed it, I could see the wheels turning in Landon's head. Both Sam and Landon said "We'll help them!!" The next morning before John left for work all of my children had donated at least one of their toys to this little boy. We also sent our extra copy of Cars 2, some coloring sheets, crayons and a workbook I had so he would have some activities to do to get ready for Kindergarten. John said the little boy was very excited for his gifts.
Saturday, Cindy called me back and told me she was going to be bringing some stuff out on Sunday. So yesterday we met them at the hotel and John took them up to the family's room. Cindy and Cyndee took in food, a backpack filled with stuff for the little boy. John said he opened the backpack and seen the clothing that was in there and was so full of joy. They had toys and other things in the backpack for him, but he wouldn't even look past the clothes. You truly gain perspective there. All of my earth babies were in foster care before we adopted them, but they would NEVER get that excited about clothes. They would also be going through the rest of the bag to see what else was in it. It breaks my heart when I think of children who are in need.
I was changed by this experience. These women didn't know this family, but they were willing to help. They didn't just give toys. They didn't just give them food. They invested in this family's lives. As my sisters left, they stopped to ask me to get the family's sizes. Cyndee also said that she was going to try to help them get some furniture for their new place. That is right, they have found a house that they will get to move into this weekend. In a day when a lot of people are such scammers, a lot of people have shut themselves off and refuse to help anyone because they could get burnt. I will never be able to express to you how much my heart was blessed by watching someone so willing to help another.
God, thank you for the chance I had to see You in action this past week. Thank you for giving my children such tender hearts. Help me to help them nurture their spirits that they may never lose the passion to help others. Lord, thank you for giving me the chance to see YOU through the willingness of two ordinary people who were determined to do something extraordinary. I ask that you protect and help this family who is in need. I ask that You will provide them with employment so they can thrive. Give this precious child security, safety and meet all of his needs. God I ask that You would pour an extra blessing out on my sisters who gave so selflessly to help those in need. Please bless everyone who is involved. In Your Precious Name, Amen.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Month 2 - Day 1
It's another fine Sunday morning here in Mama's world. I am so blessed to be able to write to you today. We yesterday we made the decision to "home church" today so we can get a few things done around the house. As I write this John is currently making breakfast for our 5 kids and I'm getting ready to work out. After that we will have praise and worship and Bible study time.
Yesterday marked 2 weeks since we said "see you soon" to Jeremiah. It seems like it's been forever since I held his precious body in my hand. Oh how I miss him. He should be kicking me, making me experience morning sickness and cravings. Instead my body is empty. "You left us with the greatest gift of all because our hearts ache for home."
I am struggling a lot right now. I'm trying to remain positive about everything. I feel better when I have a bright, sunny disposition. I dread going to the gym. The treadmill is my enemy right now. I have tried the elliptical a couple times. Last time I think I lasted about 2 minutes on it. I consider that an amazing accomplishment for me. I also did some weights and rope pull. I have no problem using WiiFit, but my heart just isn't in the gym. The only appeal the gym has for me is hanging out with Stephanie and the hot showers! I'm really not sure how to overcome this. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Yesterday I completed 2 hours and 13 minutes AND 817 calories toward my fitness challenge. I'm off to a great start! If you've decided to join me in my fitness challenge then please take a moment to comment and let me know. I would love to cheer you on!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
February Challenge Progress
Fitness Minutes - 133 / 3480
Calories Burned - 817 / 20,300
Yesterday marked 2 weeks since we said "see you soon" to Jeremiah. It seems like it's been forever since I held his precious body in my hand. Oh how I miss him. He should be kicking me, making me experience morning sickness and cravings. Instead my body is empty. "You left us with the greatest gift of all because our hearts ache for home."
I am struggling a lot right now. I'm trying to remain positive about everything. I feel better when I have a bright, sunny disposition. I dread going to the gym. The treadmill is my enemy right now. I have tried the elliptical a couple times. Last time I think I lasted about 2 minutes on it. I consider that an amazing accomplishment for me. I also did some weights and rope pull. I have no problem using WiiFit, but my heart just isn't in the gym. The only appeal the gym has for me is hanging out with Stephanie and the hot showers! I'm really not sure how to overcome this. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Yesterday I completed 2 hours and 13 minutes AND 817 calories toward my fitness challenge. I'm off to a great start! If you've decided to join me in my fitness challenge then please take a moment to comment and let me know. I would love to cheer you on!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
February Challenge Progress
Fitness Minutes - 133 / 3480
Calories Burned - 817 / 20,300
February Fitness Challenge Progress Log
I'm going to be updating this blog post each day with my progress.
February Fitness Challenge:
Total Minutes Completed: 546 / 3480
Total Calories Burned: 3516 / 20,300
January 28 - 133 minutes and 817 calories
January 29 - 158 minutes and 904 calories
January 30 - 122 minutes and 773 calories
January 31 - (NONE - was a bad girl yesterday. went over my calories too!)
February 1 - 133 minutes and 1022 calories (4 runs and 20 min of steps on the Wii)
February 2 -
February 3 -
February 4 -
February 5 -
February 6 -
February 7 -
February 8 -
February 9 -
February 10 -
February 11 -
February 12 -
February 13 -
February 14 -
February 15 -
February 16 -
February 17 -
February 18 -
February 19 -
February 20 -
February 21 -
February 22 -
February 23 -
February 24 -
February 25 -
February 26 -
February Fitness Challenge:
Total Minutes Completed: 546 / 3480
Total Calories Burned: 3516 / 20,300
January 28 - 133 minutes and 817 calories
January 29 - 158 minutes and 904 calories
January 30 - 122 minutes and 773 calories
January 31 - (NONE - was a bad girl yesterday. went over my calories too!)
February 1 - 133 minutes and 1022 calories (4 runs and 20 min of steps on the Wii)
February 2 -
February 3 -
February 4 -
February 5 -
February 6 -
February 7 -
February 8 -
February 9 -
February 10 -
February 11 -
February 12 -
February 13 -
February 14 -
February 15 -
February 16 -
February 17 -
February 18 -
February 19 -
February 20 -
February 21 -
February 22 -
February 23 -
February 24 -
February 25 -
February 26 -
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Month 2 - February Challenges
Month two officially starts today as my months are only 30 days long. I am proud of what I have accomplished thus far. I have exercised 28 of my 30 days. That is beyond awesome for me.
This month I've decided to issue myself a few fitness challenges. I talked the other day about some things I want to change. Now here's the challenges.
Challenge # 1 - I will excerise a total of 3480 minutes or more this month.
I can do at least 2 hours of Wii Fit a day so I will challenge myself to do this every day. Gym minutes will also count. I KNOW I can do this as long as I stay on top of my motivation.
Challenge # 2 - I will BURN at least 20300 calories this month.
This falls in line with my two hours of WiiFit. On WF, two hours is burning anywhere from 500-750 calories for me. I will push myself to make sure that it stays within the 700 mark each day. Of course gym minutes will just help me reach my goal faster.
Those are my challenges for this month. Who is with me? What are you challenging yourself to do this month???
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
This month I've decided to issue myself a few fitness challenges. I talked the other day about some things I want to change. Now here's the challenges.
Challenge # 1 - I will excerise a total of 3480 minutes or more this month.
I can do at least 2 hours of Wii Fit a day so I will challenge myself to do this every day. Gym minutes will also count. I KNOW I can do this as long as I stay on top of my motivation.
Challenge # 2 - I will BURN at least 20300 calories this month.
This falls in line with my two hours of WiiFit. On WF, two hours is burning anywhere from 500-750 calories for me. I will push myself to make sure that it stays within the 700 mark each day. Of course gym minutes will just help me reach my goal faster.
Those are my challenges for this month. Who is with me? What are you challenging yourself to do this month???
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Thursday, January 26, 2012
A Plan for the February
For January, I focused on trying to control my calories and get moving in any way possible. I now park in the driveway instead of the yard. I've been to the gym at least 20 times this month. I've went from doing nothing to walking 2 miles at a time. All in all January was a pretty good month. I am 11 lbs closer to my goal. Praise God for that.
Activities for February
Physical Health
1. Start taking my other meds again.
2. Go to the doctor so I can get a refill on my meds for March.
Nutrition
1. Eat more protein
2. Drink more water.
3. Splurge twice - Coldstone is calling my name and then my regular splurge.
4. Learn one new recipe.
Fitness
1. Spend at least 45 hours on WiiFit.
2. Weight Lifting at the gym at least 12 times.
3. Use the elliptical at least once a week. (Terrified of this machine!)
Spiritual
1. Read 30 chapters in the Bible with my family.
2. Do Family Worship Time at least 5 days a week.
3. Spend more time praying.
Emotional
1. Blog daily.
2. Spend more time talking to my husband about life and the things going on.
3. Spend more time with my children.
Misc.
1. "Spring" Clean my house.
2. Get caught up on Laundry.
3. Find all forms needed to file my taxes and file them.
Small baby steps will get me closer to a healthier me. I am excited to see what I can accomplish this month.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Activities for February
Physical Health
1. Start taking my other meds again.
2. Go to the doctor so I can get a refill on my meds for March.
Nutrition
1. Eat more protein
2. Drink more water.
3. Splurge twice - Coldstone is calling my name and then my regular splurge.
4. Learn one new recipe.
Fitness
1. Spend at least 45 hours on WiiFit.
2. Weight Lifting at the gym at least 12 times.
3. Use the elliptical at least once a week. (Terrified of this machine!)
Spiritual
1. Read 30 chapters in the Bible with my family.
2. Do Family Worship Time at least 5 days a week.
3. Spend more time praying.
Emotional
1. Blog daily.
2. Spend more time talking to my husband about life and the things going on.
3. Spend more time with my children.
Misc.
1. "Spring" Clean my house.
2. Get caught up on Laundry.
3. Find all forms needed to file my taxes and file them.
Small baby steps will get me closer to a healthier me. I am excited to see what I can accomplish this month.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Month 1 Progress Report
I had my second clinic visit today. Apparently they measured me wrong last time because my waist was still the same. I have lost 11 lbs, though. My blood pressure is coming down and my pulse was better than I expected it to be. This is definitely not where I expected to be 4 weeks ago, but it is progress so I will take it. Hopefully next month will be better, but as long as I'm going in the right direction I'm ok.
Goals I've met this month: I have lost 44 lbs total. I have lost 10% of my original weight. I am so happy about that. Next month I would like to lose at least 15 lbs, but we will see where I go from here.
Emotionally, I had a really hard night. Husband wasn't nearly as supportive today. When I came home Landon was in fine form. At bedtime he proceeded to get mad at me over making him go to bed. He said some really mean things to me. I know he's 5 and didn't mean what he said. Still, it hurts. After a nice cry I sat down and talked to him about what he said. It's not ok to do whatever you want to do without thought of how it will effect those around you. It's not ok to use your words to intentionally hurt someone either.
Overall I guess the day wasn't too bad but health wise I'm not making nearly as much progress as I wanted to. I am beginning to hate Wednesdays because it's the day John pulls doubles and that is just a recipe for a bad day in itself. I love my kids with all my heart, but as an adoptive mom I have issues that I need to overcome. It is all a part of getting to a healthier me. I will get there one day at a time with God's help.
Goals I've met this month: I have lost 44 lbs total. I have lost 10% of my original weight. I am so happy about that. Next month I would like to lose at least 15 lbs, but we will see where I go from here.
Emotionally, I had a really hard night. Husband wasn't nearly as supportive today. When I came home Landon was in fine form. At bedtime he proceeded to get mad at me over making him go to bed. He said some really mean things to me. I know he's 5 and didn't mean what he said. Still, it hurts. After a nice cry I sat down and talked to him about what he said. It's not ok to do whatever you want to do without thought of how it will effect those around you. It's not ok to use your words to intentionally hurt someone either.
Overall I guess the day wasn't too bad but health wise I'm not making nearly as much progress as I wanted to. I am beginning to hate Wednesdays because it's the day John pulls doubles and that is just a recipe for a bad day in itself. I love my kids with all my heart, but as an adoptive mom I have issues that I need to overcome. It is all a part of getting to a healthier me. I will get there one day at a time with God's help.
Day 28
It is Wednesday the 25th. Today marks 4 weeks for me. Today is my appt with the clinic. I am excited and scared about it. I know my loss hasn't been as great as I wanted it to be, but I really want to know where they have me on their scales.
Last night I had the strangest dream. It still kind of bothers me. I am trying to understand what it all means, if it means anything. I hate those dreams that wake you but really make no sense. You spend the rest of the night wondering.
I went to the gym last night and walked a mile. It wasn't what I'm used to walking, but I'm getting back up there. I need something to shake up my work outs. I need something to keep my attention. With that being said I did over an hour (72 mins) on WiiFit yesterday. It is much more entertaining and I burn way more calories than I do on the treadmill.
I'm surprisingly ready to go full steam ahead again. I am excited to see what changes lie ahead for me in the next month. This journey is so much easier when you have the fire and passion for it. I am praying I find renewed passion for my healthier lifestyle.
I want to thank you guys for following my journey so far. Thank you for showing me such great support. It means so much to me to know that there are people who care. I love each of you very much.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Weight Loss Mama
Last night I had the strangest dream. It still kind of bothers me. I am trying to understand what it all means, if it means anything. I hate those dreams that wake you but really make no sense. You spend the rest of the night wondering.
I went to the gym last night and walked a mile. It wasn't what I'm used to walking, but I'm getting back up there. I need something to shake up my work outs. I need something to keep my attention. With that being said I did over an hour (72 mins) on WiiFit yesterday. It is much more entertaining and I burn way more calories than I do on the treadmill.
I'm surprisingly ready to go full steam ahead again. I am excited to see what changes lie ahead for me in the next month. This journey is so much easier when you have the fire and passion for it. I am praying I find renewed passion for my healthier lifestyle.
I want to thank you guys for following my journey so far. Thank you for showing me such great support. It means so much to me to know that there are people who care. I love each of you very much.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Weight Loss Mama
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Four Weeks
Day 27!!! Day 27!!! I have made it almost 4 weeks. I am proud of myself.
I went to the gym last night with Stephanie. I got on the elliptical and did all of 2 minutes. Then I went to the treadmill and walked a half mile before my phone started ringing. It was a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while so I got off to talk to her. My heart wasn't in the right place for the gym last night. Even though the gym was a complete bust, yesterday afternoon I spent 62 minutes on WiiFit. I managed to burn almost 400 calories.
Emotionally, I am starting to feel a bit better. I am not who I was though. Now is when I really have to struggle to stay positive. It is a struggle to stay on top of my eating. I have slipped up more than I would like to admit the past week. I know part of it came from forgetting my pills a couple days. Part of it is simply because I'm not challenging myself like I was. Still, part of it comes from the fact that I'm trying to juggle all of these balls of life when my heart longs for Heaven. My drive right now comes from making Jeremiah proud of me. I want to have more babies. While dieting and exercise used to provide this high for me, now it's a means to an end.
So what happens next? I go to the clinic tomorrow evening. It will officially start my 2nd 4 weeks. I already have a plan for my diet for the next month. Emotionally, I need some work though. I'm going to try to find ways to make the gym more enticing. I LOVE my showers. I may start doing weight training there because I can't do that with WiiFit. If you have any suggestions please send them my way.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Weight Loss Mama
I went to the gym last night with Stephanie. I got on the elliptical and did all of 2 minutes. Then I went to the treadmill and walked a half mile before my phone started ringing. It was a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while so I got off to talk to her. My heart wasn't in the right place for the gym last night. Even though the gym was a complete bust, yesterday afternoon I spent 62 minutes on WiiFit. I managed to burn almost 400 calories.
Emotionally, I am starting to feel a bit better. I am not who I was though. Now is when I really have to struggle to stay positive. It is a struggle to stay on top of my eating. I have slipped up more than I would like to admit the past week. I know part of it came from forgetting my pills a couple days. Part of it is simply because I'm not challenging myself like I was. Still, part of it comes from the fact that I'm trying to juggle all of these balls of life when my heart longs for Heaven. My drive right now comes from making Jeremiah proud of me. I want to have more babies. While dieting and exercise used to provide this high for me, now it's a means to an end.
So what happens next? I go to the clinic tomorrow evening. It will officially start my 2nd 4 weeks. I already have a plan for my diet for the next month. Emotionally, I need some work though. I'm going to try to find ways to make the gym more enticing. I LOVE my showers. I may start doing weight training there because I can't do that with WiiFit. If you have any suggestions please send them my way.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Weight Loss Mama
Monday, January 23, 2012
A Month In Review
When I started this journey a month ago, I never imagined where this would lead me. Never did I imagine the emotional roller coaster this month would bring. I'm not where I want to be with my weight, but I am making progress. I never realized what an addiction food was for me either. Never did I imagine the heart break I would go through and how this would test my faith.
I haven't been blogging as much since Jeremiah's death. I have noticed a HUGE difference in the way I feel about things too. This blog has been my emotional outlet since I started this journey. When I get things out then it helps me to be more positive. I have really noticed how down I feel about things.
I discovered yesterday that I had been forgetting my meds. I have a couple more pills than I'm supposed to have at this point. I had noticed that my appetite had been increasing, but thought the pills were just losing their effectiveness. This morning I took my meds and I'm feeling so good again. I have so much energy right now. I have been out and had lunch. This was when I realized I hadn't taken my meds! ;-)
I have been using Wii Fit more since Jeremiah's death. I have discovered I can burn quite a few calories with it. There is this table tilting game that has really become my favorite. I have managed to beat the basic round. The plus side to the Wii Fit is that the kids love to watch me and help "coach" me. Unfortunately, this is usually a huge distraction.
John and I have been talking more about our angel children so that has been a huge blessing. He's finally getting some of the stuff "out there." It has done wonders for me as well. We have set aside time each day to spend talking just he and I. That is something we haven't done in a long time.
Jeremiah's death has changed me. I am more determined now to get healthy so I can be here for my living children. I am determined (God willing) to have more birth children. I want to have a healthy pregnancy that ends in a healthy birth. I am thankful for the time I had with Jeremiah. God really blessed me with that boy. I just don't feel that He is finished blessing.
If I had to sum up the entire month I would say that I have been through hell...BUT I am still standing. I made it. I haven't quit. I haven't given up. The things that Satan sent to destroy me, God has used for His glory. I will not give up. I won't back down. I've come too far to turn back now. This month certainly didn't start or end the way I planned it, but praise be to God I'm still here. He deserves all the praise and glory for it.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Weight Loss Mama
I haven't been blogging as much since Jeremiah's death. I have noticed a HUGE difference in the way I feel about things too. This blog has been my emotional outlet since I started this journey. When I get things out then it helps me to be more positive. I have really noticed how down I feel about things.
I discovered yesterday that I had been forgetting my meds. I have a couple more pills than I'm supposed to have at this point. I had noticed that my appetite had been increasing, but thought the pills were just losing their effectiveness. This morning I took my meds and I'm feeling so good again. I have so much energy right now. I have been out and had lunch. This was when I realized I hadn't taken my meds! ;-)
I have been using Wii Fit more since Jeremiah's death. I have discovered I can burn quite a few calories with it. There is this table tilting game that has really become my favorite. I have managed to beat the basic round. The plus side to the Wii Fit is that the kids love to watch me and help "coach" me. Unfortunately, this is usually a huge distraction.
John and I have been talking more about our angel children so that has been a huge blessing. He's finally getting some of the stuff "out there." It has done wonders for me as well. We have set aside time each day to spend talking just he and I. That is something we haven't done in a long time.
Jeremiah's death has changed me. I am more determined now to get healthy so I can be here for my living children. I am determined (God willing) to have more birth children. I want to have a healthy pregnancy that ends in a healthy birth. I am thankful for the time I had with Jeremiah. God really blessed me with that boy. I just don't feel that He is finished blessing.
If I had to sum up the entire month I would say that I have been through hell...BUT I am still standing. I made it. I haven't quit. I haven't given up. The things that Satan sent to destroy me, God has used for His glory. I will not give up. I won't back down. I've come too far to turn back now. This month certainly didn't start or end the way I planned it, but praise be to God I'm still here. He deserves all the praise and glory for it.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Weight Loss Mama
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Jeremiah Daniel - One Week Angelversary
If you could see me now...you'd see joy and laughter in my eyes
I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry
If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased
By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place
I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard
I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me
I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.
If you could see me now...
Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
I'm dancing on a star
If you could see me now...
We're all eating cake and ice cream
Oops I got some chocolate on my wings
It's a party just for me.
Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me
Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams
So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been
Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him
If you could see me now I'd tell you
That you're up here way too soon
And God still has some things for you to do
And I'll see you when you're through
Yesterday marked one week since we last held our precious Jeremiah. We said "see you soon" all too soon. It was a pretty gentle day. I ended up babysitting for a friend while she went out to celebrate her birthday with her husband. I guess that was a gift from God because I didn't have the opportunity to just sit and think.
I miss him so much. There is so much we should be doing to prepare for his arrival. Blankets to make, little clothes to buy. Toys the kids would pick out for their brother. My expanding belly that would be getting kicked like crazy soon.
None of that will ever be, though. It was all cut too short. Never will I know his kicks. I won't hear his first cries. I must wait to find out all his favorite things to do. I won't see him play sports in the front yard with the boys. I won't get to take him to church and have everyone trying to hold him. He was so beautiful! I wish everyone could've seen him. I regret not taking pictures of him. I want to be able to see him again. Now all have are the memories.
Sleep hasn't come easy this week. I am exhausted. My days are running together. So much heartache. Night time is the WORST time to be alone with my thoughts. All of my should've, could've, would've beens seem to haunt me. Guilt tears my soul into. I KNOW the truth, but I still search for someone to blame for this. No one else is to blame so surely I did something. Maybe it's because I was a bad person or something.
Jeremiah is a gift to us. He was a promise to us. We feel so heartbroken because we can't see the other side of this. Yet, we still feel so blessed to be the ones God chose to be Jeremiah's parents. I know he's up there having the time of his life. He doesn't want to see us crying. One day our broken hearts will heal. One day the pain of our loss won't be so great. We will be able to see nothing but the beauty of this. We just aren't there yet.
Earlier this week a friend of mine miscarried also. This friend was so precious and comforting to me when we told everyone about Jeremiah. In my worst nightmare, I never dreamed that she would be joining me on this terrible journey. Please keep her in your prayers.
I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry
If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased
By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place
I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard
I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me
I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.
If you could see me now...
Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
I'm dancing on a star
If you could see me now...
We're all eating cake and ice cream
Oops I got some chocolate on my wings
It's a party just for me.
Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me
Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams
So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been
Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him
If you could see me now I'd tell you
That you're up here way too soon
And God still has some things for you to do
And I'll see you when you're through
Yesterday marked one week since we last held our precious Jeremiah. We said "see you soon" all too soon. It was a pretty gentle day. I ended up babysitting for a friend while she went out to celebrate her birthday with her husband. I guess that was a gift from God because I didn't have the opportunity to just sit and think.
I miss him so much. There is so much we should be doing to prepare for his arrival. Blankets to make, little clothes to buy. Toys the kids would pick out for their brother. My expanding belly that would be getting kicked like crazy soon.
None of that will ever be, though. It was all cut too short. Never will I know his kicks. I won't hear his first cries. I must wait to find out all his favorite things to do. I won't see him play sports in the front yard with the boys. I won't get to take him to church and have everyone trying to hold him. He was so beautiful! I wish everyone could've seen him. I regret not taking pictures of him. I want to be able to see him again. Now all have are the memories.
Sleep hasn't come easy this week. I am exhausted. My days are running together. So much heartache. Night time is the WORST time to be alone with my thoughts. All of my should've, could've, would've beens seem to haunt me. Guilt tears my soul into. I KNOW the truth, but I still search for someone to blame for this. No one else is to blame so surely I did something. Maybe it's because I was a bad person or something.
Jeremiah is a gift to us. He was a promise to us. We feel so heartbroken because we can't see the other side of this. Yet, we still feel so blessed to be the ones God chose to be Jeremiah's parents. I know he's up there having the time of his life. He doesn't want to see us crying. One day our broken hearts will heal. One day the pain of our loss won't be so great. We will be able to see nothing but the beauty of this. We just aren't there yet.
Earlier this week a friend of mine miscarried also. This friend was so precious and comforting to me when we told everyone about Jeremiah. In my worst nightmare, I never dreamed that she would be joining me on this terrible journey. Please keep her in your prayers.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Heart of an Angel Mom
"Who You'd Be Today"
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.
I miss my son. I want to hold him. I feel like I am dying inside. Heaven seems a million years away right now. I long to hold his newborn body against my chest. I want to sing him lullabies. I want to comfort him when he cries. I want to watch him grow. Would he look like me or John? Would he be meek and mild like Isaiah was when he was an infant or strong willed like Liana? Would he like video games like Daddy? Would he love reading like Mama? What kind of man would he be? Would he want a family? What would he name his children? His children. My grand children. The ones I feel should be but never will.
Jeremiah's days weren't cut short. He lived every mili-second that God had planned for him. Yet, I still feel like I have been robbed of these things. Right now I can't help but focus on the things I am missing. My heart aches, When I close my eyes I can still see him laying on my hand. I still can feel what it was like placing pieces of a baby planet in his coffin and laying him in there. Placing him in the ground and watching as my husband buried this precious baby in the ground. Walking away and leaving the graveyard with empty hands. I find myself touching my empty belly only to be snapped back into the painful reality that is my life now. Empty belly. Empty arms...empty cradle...
I know Jeremiah is in the best place ever right now. I know that Jesus is rocking him. He is with his brothers and sisters. He's with his grammie and mamaw...all of his great and great-great aunts and uncles. He longs for nothing. He is loved by all in Heaven and on earth. I feel so selfish though because they get to snuggle with him. They get to take care of him. All of these thoughts make me want to strap on my two year old personality and scream about how unfair it all is.
I am so glad that my Daddy understands this heart He gave me better than I do. I am so glad that He is willing to give me the gifts that He knows will break my heart for a period of time. I am truly not angry with God. I am so grateful for the gift of my son. I would go through this pain a million times over for each one of them. I am so glad that He doesn't fault me for grieving. He loves me when I feel unloveable. He cries with me when I cry. He weeps with me. Even when I am at my worst He still holds me and tells me He loves me and all of this will be ok in time. He will never leave me. He just allows me to climb in His lap and holds me rocking me - HIS CHILD - the way I long to rock Jeremiah. My anger, grief, pain, and love just makes Him hold me tighter.
Knowing how much I hurt in this moment, I still hope God blesses us again. I pray our next child lives a long life, but even if God chooses to take the next one I will endure this again because THAT child is worth it also. We will welcome all the blessings God has for us whether they come from my womb or adopted, whether He chooses to take them before they walk this earth or whether they will one day stand next to our graves and grieve for us. Each of them are worth every tear I've shed, every smile they have given me, every moment of emptiness I feel.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.
I miss my son. I want to hold him. I feel like I am dying inside. Heaven seems a million years away right now. I long to hold his newborn body against my chest. I want to sing him lullabies. I want to comfort him when he cries. I want to watch him grow. Would he look like me or John? Would he be meek and mild like Isaiah was when he was an infant or strong willed like Liana? Would he like video games like Daddy? Would he love reading like Mama? What kind of man would he be? Would he want a family? What would he name his children? His children. My grand children. The ones I feel should be but never will.
Jeremiah's days weren't cut short. He lived every mili-second that God had planned for him. Yet, I still feel like I have been robbed of these things. Right now I can't help but focus on the things I am missing. My heart aches, When I close my eyes I can still see him laying on my hand. I still can feel what it was like placing pieces of a baby planet in his coffin and laying him in there. Placing him in the ground and watching as my husband buried this precious baby in the ground. Walking away and leaving the graveyard with empty hands. I find myself touching my empty belly only to be snapped back into the painful reality that is my life now. Empty belly. Empty arms...empty cradle...
I know Jeremiah is in the best place ever right now. I know that Jesus is rocking him. He is with his brothers and sisters. He's with his grammie and mamaw...all of his great and great-great aunts and uncles. He longs for nothing. He is loved by all in Heaven and on earth. I feel so selfish though because they get to snuggle with him. They get to take care of him. All of these thoughts make me want to strap on my two year old personality and scream about how unfair it all is.
I am so glad that my Daddy understands this heart He gave me better than I do. I am so glad that He is willing to give me the gifts that He knows will break my heart for a period of time. I am truly not angry with God. I am so grateful for the gift of my son. I would go through this pain a million times over for each one of them. I am so glad that He doesn't fault me for grieving. He loves me when I feel unloveable. He cries with me when I cry. He weeps with me. Even when I am at my worst He still holds me and tells me He loves me and all of this will be ok in time. He will never leave me. He just allows me to climb in His lap and holds me rocking me - HIS CHILD - the way I long to rock Jeremiah. My anger, grief, pain, and love just makes Him hold me tighter.
Knowing how much I hurt in this moment, I still hope God blesses us again. I pray our next child lives a long life, but even if God chooses to take the next one I will endure this again because THAT child is worth it also. We will welcome all the blessings God has for us whether they come from my womb or adopted, whether He chooses to take them before they walk this earth or whether they will one day stand next to our graves and grieve for us. Each of them are worth every tear I've shed, every smile they have given me, every moment of emptiness I feel.
The Dark Side of Grief
I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.
chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus
The last couple days have been the hardest. It is very hard when you are around those who have different grieving styles than you. It's hard to understand what they are thinking and feeling. My husband grieves so differently from me. He is able to flip a switch and just shut it all off. I choose to submerge myself into grief's pit of hell. I live there until I am ready to start healing. With him, he refused to talk about what happened. lt took 8 years before he would talk about our oldest angels. We had a major breakthrough/breakdown last year. He let it all out. It was difficult. It was messy. It was faith challenging. It was also beautiful.
Everyone grieves differently. I have said it time and time again. I stand by that. Everyone should also be able to grieve the way they see fit. I stand by that. As a wife who is more outwardly emotional, it was hard to watch my husband do this. I felt like he was just trying to avoid our children. In my eyes he was trying to avoid Jeremiah's existence. I think that was killing me more than what I was going through.
The past couple days have led me down to a very dark place. I have said and thought things about my husband that were completely awful. I am not a perfect wife and will never claim to be. I have said unkind things to my husband before...the darkest part of this was this time I actually meant what I was saying. Tuesday I had suggestions that I go to the gym to get out of the house. Everyone thought the time away would help me feel better. It sounded like a good idea until I got there and got on the treadmill. The longer I walked and had time with my feelings the madder I got with those around me.
I found the above song yesterday. I love the ballad version of this song. It's slow and seems to come from the heart of one who has experienced a great grief. It completely describes how I feel today. "I'm at a loss for words there's nothing to say." The chorus to this song has been my prayer lately. Only God can fill the emptiness I feel. God will make something beautiful out of my suffering. God will heal the hurt and anger I feel inside.
I will take responsibility for how I feel. Some people are just cold and heartless, thiough. I have discovered that once again through this process. I have to get to the place where I can let go. I'm not there yet. I will get there, but I haven't made it there yet. "I know I should be walking on the water, showing no fear and moving in faith but I can barely keep my head above the waves that threaten me with death."
Today seems like a better day. John gave me a precious gift this morning that I will cherish for all of my days. Grief is a process. Most people think you go through each stage and are done with it. I'm here to tell you that you cycle through the stages only to do it all again. Some days will be filled with nothing but tears....others with nothing but anger...some with only bittersweet happiness. Then there are those days where you will go through the entire grief process at least once all in one day. There is no set way to do this. You just take each moment as it comes because a whole day is too much to think about right now.
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.
chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus
The last couple days have been the hardest. It is very hard when you are around those who have different grieving styles than you. It's hard to understand what they are thinking and feeling. My husband grieves so differently from me. He is able to flip a switch and just shut it all off. I choose to submerge myself into grief's pit of hell. I live there until I am ready to start healing. With him, he refused to talk about what happened. lt took 8 years before he would talk about our oldest angels. We had a major breakthrough/breakdown last year. He let it all out. It was difficult. It was messy. It was faith challenging. It was also beautiful.
Everyone grieves differently. I have said it time and time again. I stand by that. Everyone should also be able to grieve the way they see fit. I stand by that. As a wife who is more outwardly emotional, it was hard to watch my husband do this. I felt like he was just trying to avoid our children. In my eyes he was trying to avoid Jeremiah's existence. I think that was killing me more than what I was going through.
The past couple days have led me down to a very dark place. I have said and thought things about my husband that were completely awful. I am not a perfect wife and will never claim to be. I have said unkind things to my husband before...the darkest part of this was this time I actually meant what I was saying. Tuesday I had suggestions that I go to the gym to get out of the house. Everyone thought the time away would help me feel better. It sounded like a good idea until I got there and got on the treadmill. The longer I walked and had time with my feelings the madder I got with those around me.
I found the above song yesterday. I love the ballad version of this song. It's slow and seems to come from the heart of one who has experienced a great grief. It completely describes how I feel today. "I'm at a loss for words there's nothing to say." The chorus to this song has been my prayer lately. Only God can fill the emptiness I feel. God will make something beautiful out of my suffering. God will heal the hurt and anger I feel inside.
I will take responsibility for how I feel. Some people are just cold and heartless, thiough. I have discovered that once again through this process. I have to get to the place where I can let go. I'm not there yet. I will get there, but I haven't made it there yet. "I know I should be walking on the water, showing no fear and moving in faith but I can barely keep my head above the waves that threaten me with death."
Today seems like a better day. John gave me a precious gift this morning that I will cherish for all of my days. Grief is a process. Most people think you go through each stage and are done with it. I'm here to tell you that you cycle through the stages only to do it all again. Some days will be filled with nothing but tears....others with nothing but anger...some with only bittersweet happiness. Then there are those days where you will go through the entire grief process at least once all in one day. There is no set way to do this. You just take each moment as it comes because a whole day is too much to think about right now.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Grief Is An Ugly Process
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
[Chorus]
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Chorus
Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Chorus
Where to begin? Today turned out to be pretty rotten. John got home and I found a friend request from an old acquaintance in both of our accounts. I accepted and immediately it started. We had things to do today so that meant leaving. It rained all day. My windshield wipers broke. I made it to the gym and walked a mile. I didn't even want to do that. My heart just isn't in it right now. I finished the mile and rewarded myself with a long, hot shower and a good cry. My entire body aches for what should be. As I was leaving the gym, I ran into an old friend, who looked straight at me then continued to walk as if I wasn't there.
I have entered that angry phase of grief. My husband did something that drove me crazy today and I told him I was going to do some very ungodly and down right mean things to him if he didn't stop it. The worst part was that I was serious when I said it. I had a couple other conversations where I just felt like banging my head on the wall when I was finished. This process isn't new to me. Unfortunately these emotions and stages of grief will recycle themselves in my life for a while.
Right now nothing feels right. I feel like I am just expected to get back up and live life as if Jeremiah never existed. I want people to know about him. I want to feel like his life made a difference in this world. A friend asked me if I would be content if I knew that God's only purpose for Jeremiah's life was to show His love for ME. I would like to say yes and I guess that really is the answer.
I just hate this unspoken code that angel parents are supposed to follow. We aren't supposed to speak of our children in public or in front of others because they may become uncomfortable. That isn't right! All parents are proud of their children. We are no exception. I love and am proud of Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael and Jeremiah just as much as I do Sam, Landon, Jewel-Anne, Liana and Isaiah.
I also hate that I feel the need to apologize to everyone for the way I am feeling. I don't mean to be snippy or have emotions that swing faster than the ones on a children's playground. I hate that I feel like I did something wrong because I know this wasn't my fault. I hate this emptiness I feel. I hate feeling like I let my husband down again. I hate looking into his eyes and seeing what he's going through. I wish he would talk to me, but that's just not the way he works. I know he is processing this too, but I just can't handle watching him go into survival/denial mode. I need to know that my son made a difference in his father's life. It's not that he is unkind or cold hearted.. He just deals with things in a way that I can't understand.
For me, I bury myself in my grief until I am ready to come out of it. I don't want to be around anyone but can't stand to be alone either. This is such a nasty and evil process. I hate this part of grief. It's the part no one understands and very few try to. Those who do try to are like diamonds, rare and precious. I appreciate each of you.
For those of you asking, I'm not ok. I feel like I will never be ok again. My life has changed. My heart feels like it's never going to heal, my body feels so empty, my arms ache to hold my precious boy. The only thing that brings comfort to me is that God has him and I will see him (all of them) again. Spiritually, I am thankful that God blessed me again with another child. I would honestly go through this process 10 million times over if I had to. Jeremiah is worth every ounce of pain, every tear, every sleepless night. He is so worth the wait, but that doesn't make THIS part of the journey any easier.
I won't apologize for where this blog has went in the last few days. I started this blog to help me with my journey to a healthier me. I never thought this would be part of the journey, but it is now. I wanted to help someone realize that they were not alone. Maybe these posts will help others going through the same thing, but even if they don't this is my way to process what I am going through. I won't apologize for that.
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
[Chorus]
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Chorus
Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Chorus
Where to begin? Today turned out to be pretty rotten. John got home and I found a friend request from an old acquaintance in both of our accounts. I accepted and immediately it started. We had things to do today so that meant leaving. It rained all day. My windshield wipers broke. I made it to the gym and walked a mile. I didn't even want to do that. My heart just isn't in it right now. I finished the mile and rewarded myself with a long, hot shower and a good cry. My entire body aches for what should be. As I was leaving the gym, I ran into an old friend, who looked straight at me then continued to walk as if I wasn't there.
I have entered that angry phase of grief. My husband did something that drove me crazy today and I told him I was going to do some very ungodly and down right mean things to him if he didn't stop it. The worst part was that I was serious when I said it. I had a couple other conversations where I just felt like banging my head on the wall when I was finished. This process isn't new to me. Unfortunately these emotions and stages of grief will recycle themselves in my life for a while.
Right now nothing feels right. I feel like I am just expected to get back up and live life as if Jeremiah never existed. I want people to know about him. I want to feel like his life made a difference in this world. A friend asked me if I would be content if I knew that God's only purpose for Jeremiah's life was to show His love for ME. I would like to say yes and I guess that really is the answer.
I just hate this unspoken code that angel parents are supposed to follow. We aren't supposed to speak of our children in public or in front of others because they may become uncomfortable. That isn't right! All parents are proud of their children. We are no exception. I love and am proud of Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael and Jeremiah just as much as I do Sam, Landon, Jewel-Anne, Liana and Isaiah.
I also hate that I feel the need to apologize to everyone for the way I am feeling. I don't mean to be snippy or have emotions that swing faster than the ones on a children's playground. I hate that I feel like I did something wrong because I know this wasn't my fault. I hate this emptiness I feel. I hate feeling like I let my husband down again. I hate looking into his eyes and seeing what he's going through. I wish he would talk to me, but that's just not the way he works. I know he is processing this too, but I just can't handle watching him go into survival/denial mode. I need to know that my son made a difference in his father's life. It's not that he is unkind or cold hearted.. He just deals with things in a way that I can't understand.
For me, I bury myself in my grief until I am ready to come out of it. I don't want to be around anyone but can't stand to be alone either. This is such a nasty and evil process. I hate this part of grief. It's the part no one understands and very few try to. Those who do try to are like diamonds, rare and precious. I appreciate each of you.
For those of you asking, I'm not ok. I feel like I will never be ok again. My life has changed. My heart feels like it's never going to heal, my body feels so empty, my arms ache to hold my precious boy. The only thing that brings comfort to me is that God has him and I will see him (all of them) again. Spiritually, I am thankful that God blessed me again with another child. I would honestly go through this process 10 million times over if I had to. Jeremiah is worth every ounce of pain, every tear, every sleepless night. He is so worth the wait, but that doesn't make THIS part of the journey any easier.
I won't apologize for where this blog has went in the last few days. I started this blog to help me with my journey to a healthier me. I never thought this would be part of the journey, but it is now. I wanted to help someone realize that they were not alone. Maybe these posts will help others going through the same thing, but even if they don't this is my way to process what I am going through. I won't apologize for that.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saying Goodbye to an Angel
Home By Nicol Sponberg
What is it like to be to be held in the same arms that hold the universe
What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and earth
When you open your eyes and look on the face of the Giver of Life
The Author of Grace...Do you know
Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home
What is it like to breathe in and breathe out... Heaven's Glorious Light
What is it to be robed in perfection... no reason to cry
When you feel on your face your Father's kiss...His welcome embrace
We prayed for this...You should know
Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home
So twinkle, twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle, twinkle little star
We will meet you where you are.
Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home
There is something so wrong with a parent burying their child. It is so unnatural and just WRONG! It hurt to bury my mama, but I always knew I would. She had lived her life. It hurt like I never imagined, but this is completely different. It was so cold outside. I didn't want to leave him. As a Christian I know that he's not in this earthly vessel anymore. Try telling that to my mama's heart. My life has changed over the years. We didn't bury our other children. The guilt I've carried from that I would never wish on anyone. We knew we wanted to make sure we didn't repeat those same mistakes.
Jeremiah's funeral was attended by only two. John dug his spot while I stood there and just cried. The kids napped in the car while we held his life celebration. I would've stood there forever if I could've. I'm his mama. I should be with him. John told me I had to leave because my living children needed me. I totally understand that. In a perfect world I would have all of my children with me. The greatest heartbreak is when you have earth blessings and angels. You feel so pulled between both of them. Obviously, God has plans for me so I must stay here...my heart feels torn into. I want to be here and raise my kids but I want to be with Jeremiah and my angels also. When I think of Jeremiah I see Isaiah. Isaiah is a total mama's boy. He loves his daddy, but there's nothing like mama. I am thankful Grammie is there to hold Jeremiah, but that is my job.
Last night we told the boys about Jeremiah. Most don't agree and that is fine. This is our family and this is how we chose to handle things. They knew we had "Jesus Babies" before we got them. Sam understands that his brother's short life was a blessing. Landon is mad. He doesn't understand. To be honest with you I understand how he feels. I haven't hit the anger stage of grief yet, but I am definitely in the hurting/questioning why stage.
No matter how we hurt or grieve, we still believe in the goodness of God. Jeremiah's life was a good thing. We love him. He is ours and will be forever. It seem like forever until we will see each other again, but on the other side of this life I will see how short this life really was. I miss him. I long to hold him again. Even if I had known how short our time together would be, I would do it all over again. He is such a blessing to us. We love you Jeremiah.
For those who are reading this who know us, I have but one request. It terrifies me to know that he will never be spoken of. I understand how you may feel. For us though, I WANT to talk about him. I want others to talk about him. Please don't act like he didn't exist. John and I will spend the rest of our lives missing him...see visions of what he would've been, what he would do..would he be a Mama's boy? Daddy's little man? The play dates that won't happen...the wedding that will never be. I'll never get to see his babies. I will never get to dance with him at his wedding. I know this isn't easy for you, but it's not easy for us either. If you really want to help us then help us keep his memory alive.
My sweet, sweet Jeremiah, Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. Our hearts ache because we must be separated from you for a time. We will always remember you. We will carry you with us forever.
"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown
What is it like to be to be held in the same arms that hold the universe
What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and earth
When you open your eyes and look on the face of the Giver of Life
The Author of Grace...Do you know
Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home
What is it like to breathe in and breathe out... Heaven's Glorious Light
What is it to be robed in perfection... no reason to cry
When you feel on your face your Father's kiss...His welcome embrace
We prayed for this...You should know
Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home
So twinkle, twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle, twinkle little star
We will meet you where you are.
Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home
There is something so wrong with a parent burying their child. It is so unnatural and just WRONG! It hurt to bury my mama, but I always knew I would. She had lived her life. It hurt like I never imagined, but this is completely different. It was so cold outside. I didn't want to leave him. As a Christian I know that he's not in this earthly vessel anymore. Try telling that to my mama's heart. My life has changed over the years. We didn't bury our other children. The guilt I've carried from that I would never wish on anyone. We knew we wanted to make sure we didn't repeat those same mistakes.
Jeremiah's funeral was attended by only two. John dug his spot while I stood there and just cried. The kids napped in the car while we held his life celebration. I would've stood there forever if I could've. I'm his mama. I should be with him. John told me I had to leave because my living children needed me. I totally understand that. In a perfect world I would have all of my children with me. The greatest heartbreak is when you have earth blessings and angels. You feel so pulled between both of them. Obviously, God has plans for me so I must stay here...my heart feels torn into. I want to be here and raise my kids but I want to be with Jeremiah and my angels also. When I think of Jeremiah I see Isaiah. Isaiah is a total mama's boy. He loves his daddy, but there's nothing like mama. I am thankful Grammie is there to hold Jeremiah, but that is my job.
Last night we told the boys about Jeremiah. Most don't agree and that is fine. This is our family and this is how we chose to handle things. They knew we had "Jesus Babies" before we got them. Sam understands that his brother's short life was a blessing. Landon is mad. He doesn't understand. To be honest with you I understand how he feels. I haven't hit the anger stage of grief yet, but I am definitely in the hurting/questioning why stage.
No matter how we hurt or grieve, we still believe in the goodness of God. Jeremiah's life was a good thing. We love him. He is ours and will be forever. It seem like forever until we will see each other again, but on the other side of this life I will see how short this life really was. I miss him. I long to hold him again. Even if I had known how short our time together would be, I would do it all over again. He is such a blessing to us. We love you Jeremiah.
For those who are reading this who know us, I have but one request. It terrifies me to know that he will never be spoken of. I understand how you may feel. For us though, I WANT to talk about him. I want others to talk about him. Please don't act like he didn't exist. John and I will spend the rest of our lives missing him...see visions of what he would've been, what he would do..would he be a Mama's boy? Daddy's little man? The play dates that won't happen...the wedding that will never be. I'll never get to see his babies. I will never get to dance with him at his wedding. I know this isn't easy for you, but it's not easy for us either. If you really want to help us then help us keep his memory alive.
My sweet, sweet Jeremiah, Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. Our hearts ache because we must be separated from you for a time. We will always remember you. We will carry you with us forever.
"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Jeremiah Daniel
DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.
Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure
I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run
I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.
I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.
A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.
I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.
Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.
I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.
John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.
God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.
Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown
"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"
Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure
I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home
Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too
And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run
I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.
I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.
A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.
I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.
Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.
I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.
John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.
God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.
Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown
"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"
Disappointments
I have had some personal stuff going on this weekend that I've been down about. John and the kids were playing on WiiFit. I caved and weighed. Taking into account the difference between the clinic's scales and Wii's I have lost 6 lbs. I thought that number would be much higher.
I am trying very hard. I feel like I can't walk anymore after doing 2 miles on the treadmill. I have eaten mostly salad for the past two weeks. I have done my best to stay waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy nder my calorie limit for the day, but it just seems like it isn't enough. I am thankful for the 6 lbs, but just disappointed in myself.
Send your suggestions my way. I wanted to hit the 50 lb (total) loss mark this month, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Still, I did manage to hit my next weight goal. I have lost 10% of my original body weight.
I am trying very hard. I feel like I can't walk anymore after doing 2 miles on the treadmill. I have eaten mostly salad for the past two weeks. I have done my best to stay waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy nder my calorie limit for the day, but it just seems like it isn't enough. I am thankful for the 6 lbs, but just disappointed in myself.
Send your suggestions my way. I wanted to hit the 50 lb (total) loss mark this month, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Still, I did manage to hit my next weight goal. I have lost 10% of my original body weight.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
The Prodigal Daughter
Almighty God, The Great I Am
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent
Powerful,Awesome Lord
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings
Mighty Conqueror and the only time
The only time I ever saw him run
Was when He ran to me
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"
He caught me by surprise when God ran...
The day I left home, I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...Repeat Chorus He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.When God ran...
I saw Him run to me.
I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...
I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.
He ran to me He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me (When God Ran)(I saw Him run to me)
And then I ran to Him(When God ran)When God ran
Yesterday was a great day. My work out was TOUGH! It was awesome though. I had a 49:56 minute workout. That's right, I hit 2 miles in less than 50 minues. I usually do this in about 53 minutes, but I started out my walk faster than I normally do. I did get very tired after the first mile and slowed down a bit, but when I got to 49 minutes I only had .05 mile to go. I decided I would do it or else. I sped up to over 3 MPH and I made it with 4 seconds to spare. I am SO proud of myself. None of that is nearly as important as the God experience I had, though.
Yesterday, I had to purchase another MP3 player. The one Kathy bought me decided to stop working after my toddlers decided to play baseball with it. The one perk is this one is louder. I put some new music on it. Yesterday's work out ended with some Phillips, Craig and Dean. I almost broke out into revival on the treadmill.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the story of The Prodigal Son and God's love for me. Most people can't fathom the sacrafice God made for us. I was talking to my sons about this the other day. The sacrafice Christ made is the most awesome. I tend to think about this situation as a parent though. I can't imagine laying my son's life down, willingly sacraficing one of my children, to save all of humanity. Especially when that Son was perfect and sinless, and those He would die for were not. I couldn't sacrafice one of my own children to save one of their siblings and certainly couldn't do it to save a stranger. Would I risk my life to save another? I believe I would, but my babies? No way! I am so thankful for the gift of salvation, but right now my mind keeps going back to God having to stand there and allow Jesus to leave Heaven knowing that He would return only after going to the cross. It is almost too much to bear when I think of how God had to stand there and watch him be beaten. My heart goes out to Mary also. I am sure she felt much like I feel when I think of it. I am sure she secretly thought of ways to hide him away to save Him.
It's a sobering thought - while I was still a sinner that Christ died for me. And to know that even if I was the only one on earth that needed His love and forgiveness the cross would still be there. I am worth so much to God that if I was the only sinner on earth Christ would've still went to the cross for me. When you have self-esteem issues, the thought of my Father's love is almost overwhelming. Always being the kid who the world wanted nothing to do with, it's hard to accept a love so strong that comes without condition. The song posted above was the one playing as I finished my second mile last night. I am so thankful that even when I decided I could do things on my own that God never gave up on me. And when I returned, scared and afraid that He threw His arms out and ran to me. His only words were "Do you know I still love you?" My human mind questions why? Why does He still love me? After all I've done wrong...why me? How deep the Father's love for us.
Thank you God for loving me when I was unloveable. I am glad that your love doesn't depend on my understanding of it. Thank you for welcoming me home with open arms. I will be forever grateful for Your forgiveness. I stand in awe.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent
Powerful,Awesome Lord
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings
Mighty Conqueror and the only time
The only time I ever saw him run
Was when He ran to me
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"
He caught me by surprise when God ran...
The day I left home, I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...Repeat Chorus He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.When God ran...
I saw Him run to me.
I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...
I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.
He ran to me He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me (When God Ran)(I saw Him run to me)
And then I ran to Him(When God ran)When God ran
Yesterday was a great day. My work out was TOUGH! It was awesome though. I had a 49:56 minute workout. That's right, I hit 2 miles in less than 50 minues. I usually do this in about 53 minutes, but I started out my walk faster than I normally do. I did get very tired after the first mile and slowed down a bit, but when I got to 49 minutes I only had .05 mile to go. I decided I would do it or else. I sped up to over 3 MPH and I made it with 4 seconds to spare. I am SO proud of myself. None of that is nearly as important as the God experience I had, though.
Yesterday, I had to purchase another MP3 player. The one Kathy bought me decided to stop working after my toddlers decided to play baseball with it. The one perk is this one is louder. I put some new music on it. Yesterday's work out ended with some Phillips, Craig and Dean. I almost broke out into revival on the treadmill.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the story of The Prodigal Son and God's love for me. Most people can't fathom the sacrafice God made for us. I was talking to my sons about this the other day. The sacrafice Christ made is the most awesome. I tend to think about this situation as a parent though. I can't imagine laying my son's life down, willingly sacraficing one of my children, to save all of humanity. Especially when that Son was perfect and sinless, and those He would die for were not. I couldn't sacrafice one of my own children to save one of their siblings and certainly couldn't do it to save a stranger. Would I risk my life to save another? I believe I would, but my babies? No way! I am so thankful for the gift of salvation, but right now my mind keeps going back to God having to stand there and allow Jesus to leave Heaven knowing that He would return only after going to the cross. It is almost too much to bear when I think of how God had to stand there and watch him be beaten. My heart goes out to Mary also. I am sure she felt much like I feel when I think of it. I am sure she secretly thought of ways to hide him away to save Him.
It's a sobering thought - while I was still a sinner that Christ died for me. And to know that even if I was the only one on earth that needed His love and forgiveness the cross would still be there. I am worth so much to God that if I was the only sinner on earth Christ would've still went to the cross for me. When you have self-esteem issues, the thought of my Father's love is almost overwhelming. Always being the kid who the world wanted nothing to do with, it's hard to accept a love so strong that comes without condition. The song posted above was the one playing as I finished my second mile last night. I am so thankful that even when I decided I could do things on my own that God never gave up on me. And when I returned, scared and afraid that He threw His arms out and ran to me. His only words were "Do you know I still love you?" My human mind questions why? Why does He still love me? After all I've done wrong...why me? How deep the Father's love for us.
Thank you God for loving me when I was unloveable. I am glad that your love doesn't depend on my understanding of it. Thank you for welcoming me home with open arms. I will be forever grateful for Your forgiveness. I stand in awe.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Friday, January 13, 2012
Switching It Up
It's been a couple days since I blogged. What has happened since then? Well that depends on how you look at it. Wednesday, I used weights for the first time. 3 lb weights. I did 4 sets of 15. I only walked 1.1 miles. I thought I did really well. My sister informed me that I still needed to walk the whole two miles. Ok, not as good as I thought. Still, I'm glad she told me.
I got really gutsy with Steph at the gym that night. I decided to try the elliptical...That was until I tried to get on it...that didn't go far at all. I did manage to put one foot near it. ;-) Another day perhaps. There is this rope pull thing that has been drawing my attention. I think we will meet soon!
Last night I didn't work out at all. I didn't plan it that way, but the night got away from me. The weather was calling for black ice so the gym was out. I had intentions of using WiiFit, but after getting up at 3 AM yesterday morning that just didn't happen.
Today is a new day, though. It's time to get back to the gym and start anew. Bigger and better things require bigger and better commitments. So here we go. Have a great day everyone!!!
Blessings,
Lisa
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
I got really gutsy with Steph at the gym that night. I decided to try the elliptical...That was until I tried to get on it...that didn't go far at all. I did manage to put one foot near it. ;-) Another day perhaps. There is this rope pull thing that has been drawing my attention. I think we will meet soon!
Last night I didn't work out at all. I didn't plan it that way, but the night got away from me. The weather was calling for black ice so the gym was out. I had intentions of using WiiFit, but after getting up at 3 AM yesterday morning that just didn't happen.
Today is a new day, though. It's time to get back to the gym and start anew. Bigger and better things require bigger and better commitments. So here we go. Have a great day everyone!!!
Blessings,
Lisa
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Two Weeks, Two Miles!!!
Good morning to you. I hope you realize how blessed you are. You are loved by the One who matters most. That is reason to celebrate right there.
Today marks two weeks for me on this journey. So much has happened and changed during this time it is almost unbelievable. Yesterday I crossed the two mile mark on the treadmill. I never thought I would make it that far! I am very impressed with all God is doing in my life.
I'm doing very well with my diet. I have started to incorporate a few more things into my diet. Things that I was holding out on until I had more will power. I had a hot dog this week. ONE hot dog. Usually when I go in I order at least 3 for myself. I have had pasta a couple times also. I also ordered french fries with my dinner one night. I only ate about a third of them and brought the
rest home for John. Even on those days I have managed to stay within my calories.
I am getting excited because next week Stephanie and I are going out to celebrate her birthday and how well we've done so far. At the beginning of this journey, I promised myself one day a month where I wouldn't count calories for the day. This way I can still enjoy some of the food that I love but is oh so bad for me. I know I can do this without ruining a whole month (or three weeks) worth of work because I have started to learn portion control. I look forward to being able to share this time with Stephanie.
I have two more weeks to make a difference in my diet before I weigh in. I am looking to make it count. For my walks I am going to work on increasing my speed during my walk. I am also going to start doing some strength training too. I also have some cleaning projects that I want to complete around the house so I'm going to focus on that. I will also make it to the gym at least 12 times in the next 14 days.
Lastly, I will share a funny story from my middle son yesterday. Monday we had a great day. He wasn't as defiant at all. He did things without being told to do them. We didn't have tantrums or anything. Yesterday, he woke up and we had a completely different story to tell. Everything was cause for a tantrum. He got grounded. He looked at me and said "Mom how long are you going to be gone to the gym today? I really think you should stay longer! I also think you should get a hotel tonight!" He realized that he was about to get himself in trouble and his brother called him out on it. He said "I just meant so she could get some peace and quiet!" Was his concern really for my mental health? No! He wanted me out of the house because he thought he wouldn't be grounded if I wasn't here to enforce it. He is such a hoot!!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Today marks two weeks for me on this journey. So much has happened and changed during this time it is almost unbelievable. Yesterday I crossed the two mile mark on the treadmill. I never thought I would make it that far! I am very impressed with all God is doing in my life.
I'm doing very well with my diet. I have started to incorporate a few more things into my diet. Things that I was holding out on until I had more will power. I had a hot dog this week. ONE hot dog. Usually when I go in I order at least 3 for myself. I have had pasta a couple times also. I also ordered french fries with my dinner one night. I only ate about a third of them and brought the
rest home for John. Even on those days I have managed to stay within my calories.
I am getting excited because next week Stephanie and I are going out to celebrate her birthday and how well we've done so far. At the beginning of this journey, I promised myself one day a month where I wouldn't count calories for the day. This way I can still enjoy some of the food that I love but is oh so bad for me. I know I can do this without ruining a whole month (or three weeks) worth of work because I have started to learn portion control. I look forward to being able to share this time with Stephanie.
I have two more weeks to make a difference in my diet before I weigh in. I am looking to make it count. For my walks I am going to work on increasing my speed during my walk. I am also going to start doing some strength training too. I also have some cleaning projects that I want to complete around the house so I'm going to focus on that. I will also make it to the gym at least 12 times in the next 14 days.
Lastly, I will share a funny story from my middle son yesterday. Monday we had a great day. He wasn't as defiant at all. He did things without being told to do them. We didn't have tantrums or anything. Yesterday, he woke up and we had a completely different story to tell. Everything was cause for a tantrum. He got grounded. He looked at me and said "Mom how long are you going to be gone to the gym today? I really think you should stay longer! I also think you should get a hotel tonight!" He realized that he was about to get himself in trouble and his brother called him out on it. He said "I just meant so she could get some peace and quiet!" Was his concern really for my mental health? No! He wanted me out of the house because he thought he wouldn't be grounded if I wasn't here to enforce it. He is such a hoot!!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Accomplishments
It is Wednesday Morning. I am 15-17 days away from weigh-in. I have been working out for nearly two weeks now. I have finally got to the point where it isn't hurting as bad anymore. I am very curious to see how much weight I've lost. After Stephanie and her husband weighed Sunday, I had to really resist Sunday not to weigh. I stand my ground that I only want to weigh at the clinic, though.
Last night, Stephanie and I went back to the gym. I walked 1.9 miles. That is a far cry from where I was two weeks ago. It didn't hurt as bad as it did in the beginning, either. I could've walked the extra to get to 2 miles but wanted to save that victory for today. The best news is that my heart rate is dropping. After walking a mere .5 mile (in 30 minutes mind you) the first day, my heart rate was nearly 200 bpm. Yesterday, after almost two miles (in 52 minutes), my heart rate was 160 bpm. I know your heart rate needs to accelerate during exercise, but the fact that my heart rate isn't so fast does make me happy.
So where do we go from here? I have just over two weeks to get in all the exercise I can to see my awesome numbers. I have ideas as to where I'd like to be. It will be interesting to see where I am. No mater what the scales say, I am very proud of myself. These last two weeks have been so hard, but so full of accomplishment. If you'd asked me a year ago if I thought I'd be here today...I would've told you absolutely not. I am so thankful to be in this place God has brought me to this place.
The Potter's Wheel isn't comfortable at all. It is the most beautifully painful place I've ever been in. How beautiful the rewards will be! I will grow to know Him more. I will be emotionally, physically, and spiritually fit. How refined I will be when I come through the fire! God never promised this journey would be easy, but He did promised He would be with me every step of the way. How deep the Father's love for us!
I am no longer dreading the gym or this journey. This is a feat in and of itself. I am thankful for a God who loved me enough to mold my heart to be ready for it. I am thankful for family who has made the journey possible. I'm thankful for friends for support. I am thankful to my husband for becoming a gym-widower so he can one day celebrate a 50 (60 or 70th) anniversary with me one day.
Celebrate your accomplishments! Forgive yourself of your short comings. Seek God's help for all things are possible! Encourage yourself when no one else will. You can do this and you will be so glad you did!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Last night, Stephanie and I went back to the gym. I walked 1.9 miles. That is a far cry from where I was two weeks ago. It didn't hurt as bad as it did in the beginning, either. I could've walked the extra to get to 2 miles but wanted to save that victory for today. The best news is that my heart rate is dropping. After walking a mere .5 mile (in 30 minutes mind you) the first day, my heart rate was nearly 200 bpm. Yesterday, after almost two miles (in 52 minutes), my heart rate was 160 bpm. I know your heart rate needs to accelerate during exercise, but the fact that my heart rate isn't so fast does make me happy.
So where do we go from here? I have just over two weeks to get in all the exercise I can to see my awesome numbers. I have ideas as to where I'd like to be. It will be interesting to see where I am. No mater what the scales say, I am very proud of myself. These last two weeks have been so hard, but so full of accomplishment. If you'd asked me a year ago if I thought I'd be here today...I would've told you absolutely not. I am so thankful to be in this place God has brought me to this place.
The Potter's Wheel isn't comfortable at all. It is the most beautifully painful place I've ever been in. How beautiful the rewards will be! I will grow to know Him more. I will be emotionally, physically, and spiritually fit. How refined I will be when I come through the fire! God never promised this journey would be easy, but He did promised He would be with me every step of the way. How deep the Father's love for us!
I am no longer dreading the gym or this journey. This is a feat in and of itself. I am thankful for a God who loved me enough to mold my heart to be ready for it. I am thankful for family who has made the journey possible. I'm thankful for friends for support. I am thankful to my husband for becoming a gym-widower so he can one day celebrate a 50 (60 or 70th) anniversary with me one day.
Celebrate your accomplishments! Forgive yourself of your short comings. Seek God's help for all things are possible! Encourage yourself when no one else will. You can do this and you will be so glad you did!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Monday, January 9, 2012
Spiritual Battles
In Me - Casting Crowns
If you asked me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If you ask me to go
Preach to a lost world that Jesus saves
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me'
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
If you ask me to run
And carry your light into foreign land
If you ask me to fight
Deliver your people from satan's hand
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a savior
To feel with Your heart and to think with Your mind
I'd give my last breath for Your glory
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
When I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
The power of Christ in me
The power of Christ in me
This morning I'm going to talk about the spiritual battle that is going on in my life right now. The other day I said that I had rededicated my life in December. Since then I've been trying to get closer to God. I will tell you know that I am weak. He is my strength. If I am able to do any of this, it is because of Him. There is no way I could've made this many changes by myself.
If I'm going to be completely honest though, I have to admit that there is a huge spiritual battle going on within me. Satan has had control of my life for so long, even though I didn't realize it. I was a luke warm Christian. I was a Christian in words, not so much my life style. In the Bible God states that He will spew those "Christians" from His mouth. When I tell you my life has completely did a 180, it's true. I am trying to work on my relationship with Him as well as work on my health, my emotions...It's all changing.
I have moments when I feel so close to God. I can clearly hear Him speaking to my life. Other times I feel that I can't hear Him at all. My life is anything but quiet and still. I'm learning that I MUST create a time when I can just be still and listen for Him to speak.
I can definitely tell something is going on that has nothing to do with this world. Never have I struggled so much to hear God. I don't FEEL...God tells us that we must live by faith and not by feelings. I usually walk out of the gym in tears. I don't feel particularly bad. It's not about the pain...I can tell there's something spiritual going on inside me. "Whatever You're doing inside of
me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, I'm giving in to something Heavenly."
I have faith and I KNOW God is working in my life. I KNOW the goodness of God. I know that everything I am going through is to mold me and make me into what He wants me to be. Being on the Potter's wheel is never easy. It is difficult and painful. I can surrender my life to Him and allow Him to do what is best for me, even when I feel like I'm alone. The alternative is to go back
and I can't go back. I'm not going back. My past is over and I will not repeat it.
Lord, please help me to draw close to You. I need an intimate experience with You. I need to feel You. Help me find the quiet place I need. Help me to be still and listen to the whisper of Your Voice. There are times when I feel so alone. I feel like I'm not good enough to be loved by You. Please touch my heart and minister to my spirit. Lord, I am completely Yours and I will follow You through the valley, the fire, the mountain top, the Potter's wheel or anywhere else you want me to go. I resolve this day to live in You and not by my feelings. Lord, I am so thankful that You love me even when I feel unloveable. Without you I am nothing. I love You. Please lead me on this journey to a new me that I may be all You've called me to. In Your Precious name, Amen.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
If you asked me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If you ask me to go
Preach to a lost world that Jesus saves
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me'
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
If you ask me to run
And carry your light into foreign land
If you ask me to fight
Deliver your people from satan's hand
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a savior
To feel with Your heart and to think with Your mind
I'd give my last breath for Your glory
'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
When I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
The power of Christ in me
The power of Christ in me
This morning I'm going to talk about the spiritual battle that is going on in my life right now. The other day I said that I had rededicated my life in December. Since then I've been trying to get closer to God. I will tell you know that I am weak. He is my strength. If I am able to do any of this, it is because of Him. There is no way I could've made this many changes by myself.
If I'm going to be completely honest though, I have to admit that there is a huge spiritual battle going on within me. Satan has had control of my life for so long, even though I didn't realize it. I was a luke warm Christian. I was a Christian in words, not so much my life style. In the Bible God states that He will spew those "Christians" from His mouth. When I tell you my life has completely did a 180, it's true. I am trying to work on my relationship with Him as well as work on my health, my emotions...It's all changing.
I have moments when I feel so close to God. I can clearly hear Him speaking to my life. Other times I feel that I can't hear Him at all. My life is anything but quiet and still. I'm learning that I MUST create a time when I can just be still and listen for Him to speak.
I can definitely tell something is going on that has nothing to do with this world. Never have I struggled so much to hear God. I don't FEEL...God tells us that we must live by faith and not by feelings. I usually walk out of the gym in tears. I don't feel particularly bad. It's not about the pain...I can tell there's something spiritual going on inside me. "Whatever You're doing inside of
me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, I'm giving in to something Heavenly."
I have faith and I KNOW God is working in my life. I KNOW the goodness of God. I know that everything I am going through is to mold me and make me into what He wants me to be. Being on the Potter's wheel is never easy. It is difficult and painful. I can surrender my life to Him and allow Him to do what is best for me, even when I feel like I'm alone. The alternative is to go back
and I can't go back. I'm not going back. My past is over and I will not repeat it.
Lord, please help me to draw close to You. I need an intimate experience with You. I need to feel You. Help me find the quiet place I need. Help me to be still and listen to the whisper of Your Voice. There are times when I feel so alone. I feel like I'm not good enough to be loved by You. Please touch my heart and minister to my spirit. Lord, I am completely Yours and I will follow You through the valley, the fire, the mountain top, the Potter's wheel or anywhere else you want me to go. I resolve this day to live in You and not by my feelings. Lord, I am so thankful that You love me even when I feel unloveable. Without you I am nothing. I love You. Please lead me on this journey to a new me that I may be all You've called me to. In Your Precious name, Amen.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Better Days
Good Sunday morning to everyone. I am very excited because my family will
be going to church. That always lifts my spirit. There's nothing like being in
the presence of God. I challenge you to find a church this morning (or even next
Sunday) to go to. Start the year out right and on the right foundation.
I am happy to report that things got much better yesterday. Last night
Stephanie surprised me with a phone call saying she would be joining me at the
gym. Even with headphones in our ears throughout our workout, it is so much more
energizing to have someone there to go through this with.
I got on the treadmill determined that I would walk 1.75 miles. This is
what I walked the night my feet got so bad. I can't express to you how hard that
was. I really had to push myself to get there, but I did it. When I got done my
entire outlook changed! I was so proud of myself. Physically, my feet hurt and I
felt like my heart would beat out of my chest at any moment. Emotionally, I
felt like I was on top of the world!!
I love car rides with Stephanie. They are so therapeutic. We talk about our
day, kids, husbands, life, the good, the bad, and the weird. It is just awesome
to have that sounding board. Our lives are so similar in so many ways yet so
different. I think that makes a great combination for a wonderful friendship. We
encourage one another. Even better, she isn't afraid to call me out if she
thinks I'm out of line on something. I LOVE that about her.
Afterwards, I went to Shoney's for dinner. I had a salad. As I went back to
my table with my beautifully, delicious salad I decided I would splurge. I had
french fries! I compromised and traded the extra ranch for my fries and had
ketchup, though. They were still delicious. There was a party going on in my
mouth. It still amazes me how much better things taste when you don't allow
yourself to indulge in garbage every meal?
The morning after report? I feel AWESOME this morning. My feet don't hurt
(I will hold out judgement on that until tonight). I feel emotionally and
physically like I accomplished great things last night. I have my sunny
disposition back this morning! We are going to church this morning. Life doesn't
get much better than this!
Be blessed,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
be going to church. That always lifts my spirit. There's nothing like being in
the presence of God. I challenge you to find a church this morning (or even next
Sunday) to go to. Start the year out right and on the right foundation.
I am happy to report that things got much better yesterday. Last night
Stephanie surprised me with a phone call saying she would be joining me at the
gym. Even with headphones in our ears throughout our workout, it is so much more
energizing to have someone there to go through this with.
I got on the treadmill determined that I would walk 1.75 miles. This is
what I walked the night my feet got so bad. I can't express to you how hard that
was. I really had to push myself to get there, but I did it. When I got done my
entire outlook changed! I was so proud of myself. Physically, my feet hurt and I
felt like my heart would beat out of my chest at any moment. Emotionally, I
felt like I was on top of the world!!
I love car rides with Stephanie. They are so therapeutic. We talk about our
day, kids, husbands, life, the good, the bad, and the weird. It is just awesome
to have that sounding board. Our lives are so similar in so many ways yet so
different. I think that makes a great combination for a wonderful friendship. We
encourage one another. Even better, she isn't afraid to call me out if she
thinks I'm out of line on something. I LOVE that about her.
Afterwards, I went to Shoney's for dinner. I had a salad. As I went back to
my table with my beautifully, delicious salad I decided I would splurge. I had
french fries! I compromised and traded the extra ranch for my fries and had
ketchup, though. They were still delicious. There was a party going on in my
mouth. It still amazes me how much better things taste when you don't allow
yourself to indulge in garbage every meal?
The morning after report? I feel AWESOME this morning. My feet don't hurt
(I will hold out judgement on that until tonight). I feel emotionally and
physically like I accomplished great things last night. I have my sunny
disposition back this morning! We are going to church this morning. Life doesn't
get much better than this!
Be blessed,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Refocusing
Today is Day 9 in this journey. I started very positive and would celebrate
every little thing I did right. Sometimes I think I forget that this is ONLY Day
9. I have become very hard on myself. I find myself focusing on the things I
should be doing or am not doing instead of focusing on my accomplishments. I'm
trying to refocus on that. My attitude in the beginning was much more positive.
I felt better and was genuinely happier when I was focusing on that. I think my
Valley Days are weighing on me. I am going to make an attempt to refocus.
1) A month ago, I rarely moved from the couch if I didn't have to. Now I
am exercising almost every day. While I'm proud of that, I have trouble focusing
on the fact that I've missed 3 days in the past nine.
2) I feel like I should be walking more. In the past 8 days I have walked
7.1 miles and done about 30 minutes on Wii Fit. This is awesome FOR me!
3) My ideal calorie intake allotment and my clinic's ideal allotment is
drastically different. Mine is much lower. So while I've been staying well
within their limits, if I go over mine (done twice) I get very upset with
myself.
4) Because of the issues with my feet lately, I only walked 1.1 miles last
night because I wanted to be able to move today. 1 mile is awesome for someone
my size and activity level! Why can't I see that instead of focusing on the fact
that I should've walked 2 miles last night?
The fact is that I AM doing great! I have walked more this week than I
would've intentionally walked in a month. I am feeling more energized. My intake
and calories burned are awesome FOR ME! This is MY journey. I cannot compare
myself to everyone else. I need to take it slow and remember that I didn't get
this way overnight. It took 28.5 years to get me into this position and I won't
get out of this over night. Hopefully it won't take me 28 years to get out of
it, though.
I have chosen not to weigh except at the clinic. There are many reasons for
this - all scales are different, I don't want to get hung up on numbers, etc.
The reward for this is that I will see a number that is 30 days of progress
instead of 1, 5 or 7 days worth of loss. The anticipation I have for that first
weigh-in is incredible. The downside of this is that until that first weigh-in
it's almost like I've lost nothing. I have no tangible progress at this point.
Several people have suggested I weigh, but I have my reasons for not. I would
rather see a month's progress (bigger number) than a week's progress (smaller
number). I also don't want to get discouraged if I don't lose as much one week
as I do in another. As much as I don't want this to be about numbers....it kind
of is.
I know things will be a bit better once I can actually see how things are
going. When I start going down in clothing size, when I can look in the mirror
and actually see the difference, etc. The beginning of the journey is often the
hardest part. Sometimes you create unrealistic expectations for yourself. It is
harder because you can't SEE what is going on. When you are 326 lbs. your weight
loss isn't as visible in the beginning. You are also developing better eating
habits, exercise routines, etc. There are things you have to avoid.
I am going to promise myself that I will TRY to stop comparing myself to
others, others expectations of myself, or realistic mental image that says I
should be able to walk 4 thousand miles (and do it in an hour). This is a
process. It's a journey, not a vacation. I just need to slow it down.
One day I will be able to do 7 miles on the treadmill in an hour. One day
I'll see the scale hit 300, 200, 100. Not today, but one day. One day I will be
in a size 20...10...maybe even smaller. Not today, but ONE DAY. One day I will
be able to look at food and not struggle with it as much as I do now. Maybe not
today, but ONE DAY. One day I will be where I need to be and I'll be able to
look back and see this beautiful journey that God led me through...for right I
will do my best to focus on the beautiful mess it seems to be.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
every little thing I did right. Sometimes I think I forget that this is ONLY Day
9. I have become very hard on myself. I find myself focusing on the things I
should be doing or am not doing instead of focusing on my accomplishments. I'm
trying to refocus on that. My attitude in the beginning was much more positive.
I felt better and was genuinely happier when I was focusing on that. I think my
Valley Days are weighing on me. I am going to make an attempt to refocus.
1) A month ago, I rarely moved from the couch if I didn't have to. Now I
am exercising almost every day. While I'm proud of that, I have trouble focusing
on the fact that I've missed 3 days in the past nine.
2) I feel like I should be walking more. In the past 8 days I have walked
7.1 miles and done about 30 minutes on Wii Fit. This is awesome FOR me!
3) My ideal calorie intake allotment and my clinic's ideal allotment is
drastically different. Mine is much lower. So while I've been staying well
within their limits, if I go over mine (done twice) I get very upset with
myself.
4) Because of the issues with my feet lately, I only walked 1.1 miles last
night because I wanted to be able to move today. 1 mile is awesome for someone
my size and activity level! Why can't I see that instead of focusing on the fact
that I should've walked 2 miles last night?
The fact is that I AM doing great! I have walked more this week than I
would've intentionally walked in a month. I am feeling more energized. My intake
and calories burned are awesome FOR ME! This is MY journey. I cannot compare
myself to everyone else. I need to take it slow and remember that I didn't get
this way overnight. It took 28.5 years to get me into this position and I won't
get out of this over night. Hopefully it won't take me 28 years to get out of
it, though.
I have chosen not to weigh except at the clinic. There are many reasons for
this - all scales are different, I don't want to get hung up on numbers, etc.
The reward for this is that I will see a number that is 30 days of progress
instead of 1, 5 or 7 days worth of loss. The anticipation I have for that first
weigh-in is incredible. The downside of this is that until that first weigh-in
it's almost like I've lost nothing. I have no tangible progress at this point.
Several people have suggested I weigh, but I have my reasons for not. I would
rather see a month's progress (bigger number) than a week's progress (smaller
number). I also don't want to get discouraged if I don't lose as much one week
as I do in another. As much as I don't want this to be about numbers....it kind
of is.
I know things will be a bit better once I can actually see how things are
going. When I start going down in clothing size, when I can look in the mirror
and actually see the difference, etc. The beginning of the journey is often the
hardest part. Sometimes you create unrealistic expectations for yourself. It is
harder because you can't SEE what is going on. When you are 326 lbs. your weight
loss isn't as visible in the beginning. You are also developing better eating
habits, exercise routines, etc. There are things you have to avoid.
I am going to promise myself that I will TRY to stop comparing myself to
others, others expectations of myself, or realistic mental image that says I
should be able to walk 4 thousand miles (and do it in an hour). This is a
process. It's a journey, not a vacation. I just need to slow it down.
One day I will be able to do 7 miles on the treadmill in an hour. One day
I'll see the scale hit 300, 200, 100. Not today, but one day. One day I will be
in a size 20...10...maybe even smaller. Not today, but ONE DAY. One day I will
be able to look at food and not struggle with it as much as I do now. Maybe not
today, but ONE DAY. One day I will be where I need to be and I'll be able to
look back and see this beautiful journey that God led me through...for right I
will do my best to focus on the beautiful mess it seems to be.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Day 9 - Weird Days Still Make Progress
Good Saturday morning to everyone! I hope today has found you blessed. You are loved by the One who matters most. Don't ever forget that.
The past couple of days have been weird ones. My daily gym schedule was messed up. My eating has been weird. Surprisingly I have still been able to stay where I wanted to though. I am well within my 1800 calories. That is something to be proud of. My kids have been craving pizza so I have been around great temptation. I didn't resist, but gave into my temptation in a healthy way. The first day I had ONE slice of pizza before I had my dinner. (This was the night I skipped the gym.) Yesterday for lunch the kids had pizza again. I joined them and had two slices of pepperoni pizza. I figured this would completely blow my calories for the day, but over all it wasn't bad. I treated myself to dinner at Shoney's after working out. I had a huge salad, a real serving of mashed potatoes and gravy and some green beans. My over all calories for the day was 1065. I was super surprised. I felt full. I do not feel hungry on my diet. I have been eating lots of salad because it has very little calories. I know there will come a time when the meds stop working so well and I will feel hungrier, but for now I'm enjoying the numbers I'm seeing on my spark people page.
Last night I only walked a mile on the treadmill. My husband is working day shift today so I wanted to make sure I could walk. When you have 5 very little kids (7, 5, 2, 2, 1) being able to walk is very important! LOL Last night when I left the gym my feet were hurting pretty bad, but today they don't hurt at all. I did walk at 2.5 MPH for most of my walk. If I'm not going to be able to walk as far I want to focus on walking faster. Tonight I will try to go a little further. I think I pushed myself too hard, too fast. I got so consumed in doing more each time that I lost sight of the fact that my body needs time to adjust.
Today is Day 9. I'm impressed with the progress I have made this far. I am 18-20 days from my first weigh-in. I am curious where I'm at in my weight loss, but I am stinking to my promise that I will only weigh at the clinic. While I want to drop pounds, my goal is to be healthier both mentally and physically. I don't want to become obsessive with a numbers game. The temptation to weigh is great, but I am going to wait.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
The past couple of days have been weird ones. My daily gym schedule was messed up. My eating has been weird. Surprisingly I have still been able to stay where I wanted to though. I am well within my 1800 calories. That is something to be proud of. My kids have been craving pizza so I have been around great temptation. I didn't resist, but gave into my temptation in a healthy way. The first day I had ONE slice of pizza before I had my dinner. (This was the night I skipped the gym.) Yesterday for lunch the kids had pizza again. I joined them and had two slices of pepperoni pizza. I figured this would completely blow my calories for the day, but over all it wasn't bad. I treated myself to dinner at Shoney's after working out. I had a huge salad, a real serving of mashed potatoes and gravy and some green beans. My over all calories for the day was 1065. I was super surprised. I felt full. I do not feel hungry on my diet. I have been eating lots of salad because it has very little calories. I know there will come a time when the meds stop working so well and I will feel hungrier, but for now I'm enjoying the numbers I'm seeing on my spark people page.
Last night I only walked a mile on the treadmill. My husband is working day shift today so I wanted to make sure I could walk. When you have 5 very little kids (7, 5, 2, 2, 1) being able to walk is very important! LOL Last night when I left the gym my feet were hurting pretty bad, but today they don't hurt at all. I did walk at 2.5 MPH for most of my walk. If I'm not going to be able to walk as far I want to focus on walking faster. Tonight I will try to go a little further. I think I pushed myself too hard, too fast. I got so consumed in doing more each time that I lost sight of the fact that my body needs time to adjust.
Today is Day 9. I'm impressed with the progress I have made this far. I am 18-20 days from my first weigh-in. I am curious where I'm at in my weight loss, but I am stinking to my promise that I will only weigh at the clinic. While I want to drop pounds, my goal is to be healthier both mentally and physically. I don't want to become obsessive with a numbers game. The temptation to weigh is great, but I am going to wait.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Friday, January 6, 2012
Addictions
"Slow Fade" - Casting Crowns
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself awayPeople never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Today I'm going to talk to you about addictions - My addiction. Most of us have them. Most aren't willing to admit it. Here is my story. When I was younger my great aunt used to take care of me while my mom was working. As I got older we moved out of my aunt's house, but she still took care me.
Each morning I'd arrive at her house and she'd have a delicious breakfast prepared for me. It was always one of two things, eggs, grits, bacon and toast or biscuits and gravy. Oh how I miss those mornings! Aunt Flossie and my grandmother were the BEST cooks. I'd go to school then come back to her house to have dinner. Aunt Flossie ate dinner BY 4 pm every day. On the way home, Mom would stop to get a snack which was usually a hot dog. Then we'd get home and we'd have dinner. When I was really young sometimes dinner was cooked by my brother, but I remember most nights having pizza or Chinese food. Let's stop a minute and think about this for a moment. Just the amount of food that I consumed AFTER 4 PM each day is enough to make me almost sick. I can't even begin to think of the calories. As I got older I got tired of "Flossie Breakfast" so Mom would usually stop and get me a BLT or a burrito from McDonalds. THAT hurt Flossie's feelings though. While I didn't want her breakfast, I ate it because it made her feel better.
Guilt...my first experience with emotional eating.
Growing up we had some family issues (who doesn't?) ...I turned to food because it was what I could control. It made me feel better. I could control what and how much of it I ate. The perfect solution to my problem...or so I thought.
My grandparents health started to decline around 1st-2nd grade. My grandmother had a stroke so we moved closer to my grandparents to help take care of them. I did the best I could at 8 to help, everyone did. More responsibility for Mom...more eating out... They passed away when I was 10 and 11 (I think). Grief, guilt (could I have helped more? I should've helped more! Mom is sad...I can't fix it...) What could I control though? You got it.
Then you get to the teen years where I started youth group. All teens like to eat. Then I met my best friend (at the time) J. Every outing he and I had involved food. I did go through periods were I'd decide to lose weight, but then I met John who loved me despite how much I weighed. It didn't matter anymore. Pregnancies...miscarriages..angel babies...grief...guilt...anger...more
guilt..fertility problems and treatments...more miscarriage...grief...guilt...anger...mom's health
declined...stress...DCS...mom's health declines...boys....mom's health declines more...birth parent issues...mom's health declines further...Boy's first Christmas with us (happy time)...Mom's last Christmas...Mom's "unexpected" death...funerals...more grief...more guilt...more anger...faith crisis...too many whys...too many what ifs...too many emotions...depression...watching my son
grieve for his best friend...new babies...more DCS stuff...adoptions...more adoptions.
Food became my drug. Before I knew it I was eating when I wasn't hungry, when I was full...way too full...too much junk...way too much junk...too much healthy stuff too. I hated myself and where I was. I hated the control I had surrendered to food. This lifeless object controlled EVERY. SINGLE. ASPECT. of my life. I counted my days by meals. What we eating today? What's for lunch? Dinner? Oh there's something exciting going on? What will we eat to celebrate? The kids are going crazy, marriage issues...life gone crazy? Food was my drug. I hated myself. I was more depressed with myself and the choices I had made than I was about anything else.
I'm not out. Satan had a hold on me...he was trying to kill me and I was letting him. Dying seemed easier than bringing myself up out of this. So many unknowns. I can't tell you how many times over the years my siblings have suggested this diet, that surgery, etc for me to try. Each time it made me more depressed, I hated myself more, it made me distance myself more from them. I felt like they didn't love me because I was so fat. I felt like they were just trying to change me so I didn't embarrass them with my huge self. I can see now that wasn't true at all.
God spent the last year working on my heart. I had to get to the point that I was miserable enough not to go back. I had to get to the place where I felt completely, totally, utterly hopeless. He gently kept trying to lead me to this journey. He is a loving God so he was doing it gently. He wanted to offer me a new way of life and deliver me from the grip I had allowed Satan to have on me. I wanted to change, but I was so scared that once again I was hopeless. I was a place where the perfect terrible combo of food and fear controlled my every moment. The emotional part of this journey has proven to be the hardest part. Facing all of the things I've pushed down and covered up as I ate myself into an early grave. . I think food addictions are the hardest because it is the one thing you can't give up. You can stop taking drugs, drinking, gambling, etc. You
can't stop eating though - not if you want to live. I don't say that to be little other addictions because they are all horrible, painful heart breaking journeys that hurt everyone - not just the one with the addiction. Every day it's a choice to stay "clean and sober" no matter what your addiction may be.
God used my sister to snap me out hell I had created for myself. The very person who had tried so many times before...making me hate myself with each suggestion. I was at such a point of desperation. I couldn't live anymore, but I didn't have the strength to change. Could she have done this a year ago? 6 months ago? Absolutely not. God had to allow me to travel to the pits of hell first. I could never have done this by myself. God delivered me from my addictions. I still have to climb out of this. I have to make the choice every day not to turn back. I will get through this though. He hasn't left me but He won't make me instantly healthy either. I have to make choices to do that. Why did He give us free will again? Oh yeah, it was so we would turn to Him in our deepest sorrow, sadness and hours of need. It was so we would learn how good He
is. So we would learn of His Mercy.
I am so thankful for the people God has put in my life to support me through this. In early December my friend Laura took me to a Newsong concert where I rededicated my life. I remember coming home in tears. I apologized to my husband and my children for all the times I'd failed them, The times I had yelled or treated them unfairly. Only one other person new what happened to me that night...I can tell you if I hadn't got my "heart stuff" right I would've never been opened to what God was about to do in me. I am so thankful that He always had my best interest at heart. Can you imagine how painful it for Him to watch me slip further and further away? I have often thought about that. I don't think I would have the power to willingly let my child slip into something so deadly. I am thankful that He allowed me to go through hell because it has made me stronger. Oh how He loves us.
If you need encouragement or support, please don't hesitate to contact me. No one should have to go through this alone. No one should live in hell on earth because they feel they are alone. You aren't alone. God will help you through this if you ask Him. I will be here for you also. My hope is that one day my journey will touch even one person to help them get through theirs.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself awayPeople never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Today I'm going to talk to you about addictions - My addiction. Most of us have them. Most aren't willing to admit it. Here is my story. When I was younger my great aunt used to take care of me while my mom was working. As I got older we moved out of my aunt's house, but she still took care me.
Each morning I'd arrive at her house and she'd have a delicious breakfast prepared for me. It was always one of two things, eggs, grits, bacon and toast or biscuits and gravy. Oh how I miss those mornings! Aunt Flossie and my grandmother were the BEST cooks. I'd go to school then come back to her house to have dinner. Aunt Flossie ate dinner BY 4 pm every day. On the way home, Mom would stop to get a snack which was usually a hot dog. Then we'd get home and we'd have dinner. When I was really young sometimes dinner was cooked by my brother, but I remember most nights having pizza or Chinese food. Let's stop a minute and think about this for a moment. Just the amount of food that I consumed AFTER 4 PM each day is enough to make me almost sick. I can't even begin to think of the calories. As I got older I got tired of "Flossie Breakfast" so Mom would usually stop and get me a BLT or a burrito from McDonalds. THAT hurt Flossie's feelings though. While I didn't want her breakfast, I ate it because it made her feel better.
Guilt...my first experience with emotional eating.
Growing up we had some family issues (who doesn't?) ...I turned to food because it was what I could control. It made me feel better. I could control what and how much of it I ate. The perfect solution to my problem...or so I thought.
My grandparents health started to decline around 1st-2nd grade. My grandmother had a stroke so we moved closer to my grandparents to help take care of them. I did the best I could at 8 to help, everyone did. More responsibility for Mom...more eating out... They passed away when I was 10 and 11 (I think). Grief, guilt (could I have helped more? I should've helped more! Mom is sad...I can't fix it...) What could I control though? You got it.
Then you get to the teen years where I started youth group. All teens like to eat. Then I met my best friend (at the time) J. Every outing he and I had involved food. I did go through periods were I'd decide to lose weight, but then I met John who loved me despite how much I weighed. It didn't matter anymore. Pregnancies...miscarriages..angel babies...grief...guilt...anger...more
guilt..fertility problems and treatments...more miscarriage...grief...guilt...anger...mom's health
declined...stress...DCS...mom's health declines...boys....mom's health declines more...birth parent issues...mom's health declines further...Boy's first Christmas with us (happy time)...Mom's last Christmas...Mom's "unexpected" death...funerals...more grief...more guilt...more anger...faith crisis...too many whys...too many what ifs...too many emotions...depression...watching my son
grieve for his best friend...new babies...more DCS stuff...adoptions...more adoptions.
Food became my drug. Before I knew it I was eating when I wasn't hungry, when I was full...way too full...too much junk...way too much junk...too much healthy stuff too. I hated myself and where I was. I hated the control I had surrendered to food. This lifeless object controlled EVERY. SINGLE. ASPECT. of my life. I counted my days by meals. What we eating today? What's for lunch? Dinner? Oh there's something exciting going on? What will we eat to celebrate? The kids are going crazy, marriage issues...life gone crazy? Food was my drug. I hated myself. I was more depressed with myself and the choices I had made than I was about anything else.
I'm not out. Satan had a hold on me...he was trying to kill me and I was letting him. Dying seemed easier than bringing myself up out of this. So many unknowns. I can't tell you how many times over the years my siblings have suggested this diet, that surgery, etc for me to try. Each time it made me more depressed, I hated myself more, it made me distance myself more from them. I felt like they didn't love me because I was so fat. I felt like they were just trying to change me so I didn't embarrass them with my huge self. I can see now that wasn't true at all.
God spent the last year working on my heart. I had to get to the point that I was miserable enough not to go back. I had to get to the place where I felt completely, totally, utterly hopeless. He gently kept trying to lead me to this journey. He is a loving God so he was doing it gently. He wanted to offer me a new way of life and deliver me from the grip I had allowed Satan to have on me. I wanted to change, but I was so scared that once again I was hopeless. I was a place where the perfect terrible combo of food and fear controlled my every moment. The emotional part of this journey has proven to be the hardest part. Facing all of the things I've pushed down and covered up as I ate myself into an early grave. . I think food addictions are the hardest because it is the one thing you can't give up. You can stop taking drugs, drinking, gambling, etc. You
can't stop eating though - not if you want to live. I don't say that to be little other addictions because they are all horrible, painful heart breaking journeys that hurt everyone - not just the one with the addiction. Every day it's a choice to stay "clean and sober" no matter what your addiction may be.
God used my sister to snap me out hell I had created for myself. The very person who had tried so many times before...making me hate myself with each suggestion. I was at such a point of desperation. I couldn't live anymore, but I didn't have the strength to change. Could she have done this a year ago? 6 months ago? Absolutely not. God had to allow me to travel to the pits of hell first. I could never have done this by myself. God delivered me from my addictions. I still have to climb out of this. I have to make the choice every day not to turn back. I will get through this though. He hasn't left me but He won't make me instantly healthy either. I have to make choices to do that. Why did He give us free will again? Oh yeah, it was so we would turn to Him in our deepest sorrow, sadness and hours of need. It was so we would learn how good He
is. So we would learn of His Mercy.
I am so thankful for the people God has put in my life to support me through this. In early December my friend Laura took me to a Newsong concert where I rededicated my life. I remember coming home in tears. I apologized to my husband and my children for all the times I'd failed them, The times I had yelled or treated them unfairly. Only one other person new what happened to me that night...I can tell you if I hadn't got my "heart stuff" right I would've never been opened to what God was about to do in me. I am so thankful that He always had my best interest at heart. Can you imagine how painful it for Him to watch me slip further and further away? I have often thought about that. I don't think I would have the power to willingly let my child slip into something so deadly. I am thankful that He allowed me to go through hell because it has made me stronger. Oh how He loves us.
If you need encouragement or support, please don't hesitate to contact me. No one should have to go through this alone. No one should live in hell on earth because they feel they are alone. You aren't alone. God will help you through this if you ask Him. I will be here for you also. My hope is that one day my journey will touch even one person to help them get through theirs.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
My Flesh Is Weak
Yesterday was filled with many turns. John has been working extra shifts. Those extra shifts usually mean that he's working days, instead of nights which I'm used to. He was supposed to be get off at 4:30, but he didn't get home until almost 6. We had decided to get the kids pizza for dinner so I started working on that while he was being attacked by our 5 blessings that hadn't seen their daddy all day. I had NOT planned for this. I wanted to be out of the house by
5:00 so now I was almost two hours behind. My heart is willing, but my flesh is
weak.
I'm in a delicate place right now. I push myself because I know this is what I need to do, but my body still doesn't want to follow through. My flesh doesn't enjoy walking on blistered feet. My flesh doesn't enjoy not being able to give into every food desire I have. When I go to the gym I'm usually gone 2.5 to 3 hours - practically every day. When my husband looked at me and said he'd
rather have me home, but... I didn't hear anything past that but. My mommy guilt leapt into the situation. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm never away from home this much. My family needs me. Yes, they do. They need me today...tomorrow...a year from now...5...10...20...50..60 years from now too. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
If anyone know me well they know the way to get me is through my kids. You can verbally or physically attack me, but you mess with my kids and only God can save you from my wrath! It's so hard to look in my daughter's eyes when I leave for the gym because she doesn't understand why Mommy is suddenly leaving, WITHOUT HER mind you, all the time. It's hard to stay focused on the long term. I don't like to see my baby cry because her Mom is gone...I was the same way when I was little. I was never without her unless she was at work...I know how
she feels. Thankfully, she doesn't know how I feel. She doesn't know what it's like to watch your mom, and best friend, leave for a semi permanent (because it's only permanent in this life) time. She doesn't know what it's like to bury her Mama, knowing that if Mama had chosen differently she might still be here. I am so grateful that to her, my departure is temporary. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
The decision to change my life hasn't been an easy one. I still choose to remain upbeat and positive. Some days that is harder than others because my flesh is weak! I can't quit now. First because I do yo-yo with my health, diet, etc. I have been through some super hard stuff this weak that I never want to have to go through again in my life. I have went from parking in my yard because I was so lazy, to getting on a treadmill for a .5 mile and feeling like my heart was going to explode, to walking 1.75 miles and only slightly feel like I was dying. That has all happened within a week. I can't go back and I won't. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
I promised myself when I started this journal that I would always be honest and I have held to it. The ONLY way I can remain positive through this is because I'm not going through it alone. Sure I have my family and friends, even strangers supporting me and cheering me on. That is great. The attention is awesome, but it's human attention. No human, or group of humans, can be everything I need to walk this journey. Christ within me, my Creator, my Strength-Giver, my Ultimate Encourager is who will help me get through this. In the quiet when my mind starts racing with all the reasons I shouldn't be doing this, He is there to tell me that I should, I can and I will do this. I honestly don't know how anyone could do this without Christ. Call me weak, but I know I couldn't. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
My flesh may be weak, but I am so thankful that I know the Voice of Truth. I am so thankful I know the Life Giver! Because of Him and what He has done for me, I will never go back. I can't. My past is over and I'm moving forward. One baby step at a time. One 10th, quarter, half and whole mile at a time. One meal at a time. One pound at a time. It's all because of Him that I can do it. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
Be encouraged today. If you've stumbled on my blog and you don't know Christ. You don't know what it's like to utterly depend on someone for your every breath, turn to Him today. He will shake you up, but He's changing my life in ways I could never imagine. My journey thus far has been so beautifully, painful because of Him. A change this drastic will be painful, but He is making me beautiful. Not in the world's eyes, but He's creating me into His Masterpiece.
Be Blessed,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
5:00 so now I was almost two hours behind. My heart is willing, but my flesh is
weak.
I'm in a delicate place right now. I push myself because I know this is what I need to do, but my body still doesn't want to follow through. My flesh doesn't enjoy walking on blistered feet. My flesh doesn't enjoy not being able to give into every food desire I have. When I go to the gym I'm usually gone 2.5 to 3 hours - practically every day. When my husband looked at me and said he'd
rather have me home, but... I didn't hear anything past that but. My mommy guilt leapt into the situation. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm never away from home this much. My family needs me. Yes, they do. They need me today...tomorrow...a year from now...5...10...20...50..60 years from now too. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
If anyone know me well they know the way to get me is through my kids. You can verbally or physically attack me, but you mess with my kids and only God can save you from my wrath! It's so hard to look in my daughter's eyes when I leave for the gym because she doesn't understand why Mommy is suddenly leaving, WITHOUT HER mind you, all the time. It's hard to stay focused on the long term. I don't like to see my baby cry because her Mom is gone...I was the same way when I was little. I was never without her unless she was at work...I know how
she feels. Thankfully, she doesn't know how I feel. She doesn't know what it's like to watch your mom, and best friend, leave for a semi permanent (because it's only permanent in this life) time. She doesn't know what it's like to bury her Mama, knowing that if Mama had chosen differently she might still be here. I am so grateful that to her, my departure is temporary. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
The decision to change my life hasn't been an easy one. I still choose to remain upbeat and positive. Some days that is harder than others because my flesh is weak! I can't quit now. First because I do yo-yo with my health, diet, etc. I have been through some super hard stuff this weak that I never want to have to go through again in my life. I have went from parking in my yard because I was so lazy, to getting on a treadmill for a .5 mile and feeling like my heart was going to explode, to walking 1.75 miles and only slightly feel like I was dying. That has all happened within a week. I can't go back and I won't. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
I promised myself when I started this journal that I would always be honest and I have held to it. The ONLY way I can remain positive through this is because I'm not going through it alone. Sure I have my family and friends, even strangers supporting me and cheering me on. That is great. The attention is awesome, but it's human attention. No human, or group of humans, can be everything I need to walk this journey. Christ within me, my Creator, my Strength-Giver, my Ultimate Encourager is who will help me get through this. In the quiet when my mind starts racing with all the reasons I shouldn't be doing this, He is there to tell me that I should, I can and I will do this. I honestly don't know how anyone could do this without Christ. Call me weak, but I know I couldn't. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
My flesh may be weak, but I am so thankful that I know the Voice of Truth. I am so thankful I know the Life Giver! Because of Him and what He has done for me, I will never go back. I can't. My past is over and I'm moving forward. One baby step at a time. One 10th, quarter, half and whole mile at a time. One meal at a time. One pound at a time. It's all because of Him that I can do it. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.
Be encouraged today. If you've stumbled on my blog and you don't know Christ. You don't know what it's like to utterly depend on someone for your every breath, turn to Him today. He will shake you up, but He's changing my life in ways I could never imagine. My journey thus far has been so beautifully, painful because of Him. A change this drastic will be painful, but He is making me beautiful. Not in the world's eyes, but He's creating me into His Masterpiece.
Be Blessed,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Goals
This is a list of my misc. goals divided into categories. As time goes on
I'm sure I'll add more, but this is my starter list.
Weight Goals
1. Lose 5 lbs (met)
2. Lose 10% of my original weight - 36 lbs
3. Lose 50 lbs
4. Lose 20% of my original weight - 72 lbs
5. Lose 75 lbs
6. Lose 100 lbs
7. Lose 30% of my original weight - 108 lbs
8. Lose 125 lbs. - That will be a whole person!
9. Lose 40% of my original weight - 144 lbs
10. Lose 150 lbs
11. Lose 175 lbs
12. Lose 50% of my original weight - 180 lbs
13. Lose 200 lbs
14. Lose 60% of my original weight - 216 lbs
15. Lose 225 lbs
16. Lose 250 lbs (That's two whole people!)
17. Lose 70% of my original weight - 252 lbs
18. Lose 260 lbs.
Clothing Size Goals
Shirts
3XL shirts
2XL shirts
1XL shirts
Large shirts
Medium shirts
22/24 pants/skirts
20 pants/skirts
18 pants/skirts
16 pants/skirts
14 pants/skirts
We will see where this gets me and modify this list from there.
Health Goals
1. Normal BP
2. Consistent Normal Blood Sugar
3. Normal Periods
4. Pregnancy
Fitness goals
1. Be able to walk without getting blisters on my feet
2. Be able to walk 2 miles without feeling like I'm dying.
3. Be able to walk 2.5 MPH - 2.4 most of my walk now
4. Be able to walk 2.5 miles
5. Be able to walk 3 miles in an hour or less
Misc. Goals
1. Be able to wear seatbelt in vehicle.
2. Sit in vehicle without my stomach touching the steering wheel
3. Be able to ride bumper boats again
4. Be able to hug my husband without leaning forward. ;-)
(Created: 1/5/12)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
I'm sure I'll add more, but this is my starter list.
Weight Goals
1. Lose 5 lbs (met)
2. Lose 10% of my original weight - 36 lbs
3. Lose 50 lbs
4. Lose 20% of my original weight - 72 lbs
5. Lose 75 lbs
6. Lose 100 lbs
7. Lose 30% of my original weight - 108 lbs
8. Lose 125 lbs. - That will be a whole person!
9. Lose 40% of my original weight - 144 lbs
10. Lose 150 lbs
11. Lose 175 lbs
12. Lose 50% of my original weight - 180 lbs
13. Lose 200 lbs
14. Lose 60% of my original weight - 216 lbs
15. Lose 225 lbs
16. Lose 250 lbs (That's two whole people!)
17. Lose 70% of my original weight - 252 lbs
18. Lose 260 lbs.
Clothing Size Goals
Shirts
3XL shirts
2XL shirts
1XL shirts
Large shirts
Medium shirts
22/24 pants/skirts
20 pants/skirts
18 pants/skirts
16 pants/skirts
14 pants/skirts
We will see where this gets me and modify this list from there.
Health Goals
1. Normal BP
2. Consistent Normal Blood Sugar
3. Normal Periods
4. Pregnancy
Fitness goals
1. Be able to walk without getting blisters on my feet
2. Be able to walk 2 miles without feeling like I'm dying.
3. Be able to walk 2.5 MPH - 2.4 most of my walk now
4. Be able to walk 2.5 miles
5. Be able to walk 3 miles in an hour or less
Misc. Goals
1. Be able to wear seatbelt in vehicle.
2. Sit in vehicle without my stomach touching the steering wheel
3. Be able to ride bumper boats again
4. Be able to hug my husband without leaning forward. ;-)
(Created: 1/5/12)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Facing My Giants
The Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns
Oh what I would do to haveThe kind of faith it takes to climb out of
this boat I'm inOn to the crashing wavesTo step out of my comfort
zoneInto the realm of the unknown where Jesus isAnd He's holding out His
handBut the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at
meReminding me of all the times I've tried before and failedThe waves
they keep on telling meTime and time again, "Boy, You'll never
win!""You'll never win!"But the Voice of Truth tells me a different
storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"And the Voice of Truth
says, "This is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to meI
will choose to listen and believeThe Voice of TruthOh what I would
do to haveThe kind of strength it takes to stand before a giantWith just
a sling and a stoneSurrounded by the sound of a thousand warriorsShaking
in their armorWishing they'd have had the strength to standBut the
giant's calling out my name and he laughs at meReminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failedThe giant keeps on telling meTime and time
again, "Boy, You'll never win!""You'll never win!"But the Voice of
Truth tells me a different storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be
afraid!"And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"Out of all
the voices calling out to meI will choose to listen and believeThe Voice
of TruthBut the stone was just the right sizeTo put the giant on the
groundAnd the waves they don't seem so highFrom on top of them lookin'
downI will soar with the wings of eaglesWhen I stop and listen to the
sound of JesusSinging over meBut the Voice of Truth tells me a
different storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"And the Voice
of Truth says, "This is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to
me(calling out to me)I will choose to listen and believe(I will choose to
listen and believe)I will choose to listen and believeThe Voice of
TruthI will listen and believeI will listen and believeThe
Voice of TruthI will listen and believeCause Jesus you are the Voice
of TruthAnd I will listen to you
This song has become my theme in this season of life. Have you ever seen the movie Facing the Giants? It is about a football team who isn't very good. They end up changing the way they live their lives and surrender to God. They end up making it to the state play offs where they face a team called The Giants. In many ways I feel like the guys in this movie. I feel like the giant
is attacking me. He's certainly reminding me of every time I've failed. He is telling me I can't do this. I won't stick with it. He has attacked my spirit and my body. In a lot of ways I feel like Job. I realize he had it far worse than I though. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect it to be quite so difficult either.
I posted yesterday that I would be buying new shoes. My sisters met me at Kohls to pick them out. I was very surprised and extremely blessed because my sisters Cindy and Cyndee bought my shoes. My sister Kathy bought me an MP3 player also. I am all set for the gym.
After leaving Kohls, I met Stephanie at the gym. My goal last night was to walk 1.75 miles. If you remember on Tuesday I got my first case of blisters on my feet. They weren't too bad. I figured new shoes would make my feet feel better. The blisters had another idea. They decided they would give birth to even bigger blisters on the center of my feet so I couldn't avoid their misery
giving powers. I made it home and had to have John come out and help me make it up the steps. This morning I'm feeling a bit better, but it still hurts to walk. I have the next 9 hours to find relief before I go back to the gym. No pain, no gain I suppose.
I have to admit I have had a rough couple days. The evenings, especially after working out, have been very emotional for me. I spend most of my car ride home in tears. I'm really not sure why I'm so overwhelmed with emotions right now. It seems to only happen after working out though.
Despite everything that has happened the last couple days, I am still very excited about this journey. Each day I'm adding more time to my walk. My goal right now is to get to 2 miles a day. I am really proud of myself. I have never walked this much at one time in my life.
I am learning more and more that I must depend on God and His strength to help me through this. By myself it is impossible. With God nothing is impossible. I am holding on to that promise. This journey He has called me to isn't comfortable. It isn't nice or pleasant at the moment. I am moving into levels I have never been before, but when I see the rewards and benefits from the hard work it will be worth it.
I am so thankful for a Daddy who loves me enough to put me in places that make me uncomfortable. I am in awe that He loves me enough to put me through the fire to refine me so that I may be all He has created me to be. I am also very thankful that He protects me from the attack of my enemy. Does that mean that the enemy won't come? No! It just means that when he does come that my Daddy will give me everything I need to resist him.
I have 20-22 more days until my first weigh in. I refuse to weigh in between visits. Scales are so different. I also don't want to get hung up on numbers. I am looking forward to seeing how much my hard work has paid off. My sisters said I look like I've already lost some. I'm sure they were just trying to boost my self-esteem, though. I have a number in my head that I would like to see on the scale. It will be interesting to see where my actual loss falls in.
I hope that you are having a great week. If you are joining me on this journey I would love to hear from you so that we can encourage one another. Email me or comment here.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Oh what I would do to haveThe kind of faith it takes to climb out of
this boat I'm inOn to the crashing wavesTo step out of my comfort
zoneInto the realm of the unknown where Jesus isAnd He's holding out His
handBut the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at
meReminding me of all the times I've tried before and failedThe waves
they keep on telling meTime and time again, "Boy, You'll never
win!""You'll never win!"But the Voice of Truth tells me a different
storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"And the Voice of Truth
says, "This is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to meI
will choose to listen and believeThe Voice of TruthOh what I would
do to haveThe kind of strength it takes to stand before a giantWith just
a sling and a stoneSurrounded by the sound of a thousand warriorsShaking
in their armorWishing they'd have had the strength to standBut the
giant's calling out my name and he laughs at meReminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failedThe giant keeps on telling meTime and time
again, "Boy, You'll never win!""You'll never win!"But the Voice of
Truth tells me a different storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be
afraid!"And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"Out of all
the voices calling out to meI will choose to listen and believeThe Voice
of TruthBut the stone was just the right sizeTo put the giant on the
groundAnd the waves they don't seem so highFrom on top of them lookin'
downI will soar with the wings of eaglesWhen I stop and listen to the
sound of JesusSinging over meBut the Voice of Truth tells me a
different storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"And the Voice
of Truth says, "This is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to
me(calling out to me)I will choose to listen and believe(I will choose to
listen and believe)I will choose to listen and believeThe Voice of
TruthI will listen and believeI will listen and believeThe
Voice of TruthI will listen and believeCause Jesus you are the Voice
of TruthAnd I will listen to you
This song has become my theme in this season of life. Have you ever seen the movie Facing the Giants? It is about a football team who isn't very good. They end up changing the way they live their lives and surrender to God. They end up making it to the state play offs where they face a team called The Giants. In many ways I feel like the guys in this movie. I feel like the giant
is attacking me. He's certainly reminding me of every time I've failed. He is telling me I can't do this. I won't stick with it. He has attacked my spirit and my body. In a lot of ways I feel like Job. I realize he had it far worse than I though. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect it to be quite so difficult either.
I posted yesterday that I would be buying new shoes. My sisters met me at Kohls to pick them out. I was very surprised and extremely blessed because my sisters Cindy and Cyndee bought my shoes. My sister Kathy bought me an MP3 player also. I am all set for the gym.
After leaving Kohls, I met Stephanie at the gym. My goal last night was to walk 1.75 miles. If you remember on Tuesday I got my first case of blisters on my feet. They weren't too bad. I figured new shoes would make my feet feel better. The blisters had another idea. They decided they would give birth to even bigger blisters on the center of my feet so I couldn't avoid their misery
giving powers. I made it home and had to have John come out and help me make it up the steps. This morning I'm feeling a bit better, but it still hurts to walk. I have the next 9 hours to find relief before I go back to the gym. No pain, no gain I suppose.
I have to admit I have had a rough couple days. The evenings, especially after working out, have been very emotional for me. I spend most of my car ride home in tears. I'm really not sure why I'm so overwhelmed with emotions right now. It seems to only happen after working out though.
Despite everything that has happened the last couple days, I am still very excited about this journey. Each day I'm adding more time to my walk. My goal right now is to get to 2 miles a day. I am really proud of myself. I have never walked this much at one time in my life.
I am learning more and more that I must depend on God and His strength to help me through this. By myself it is impossible. With God nothing is impossible. I am holding on to that promise. This journey He has called me to isn't comfortable. It isn't nice or pleasant at the moment. I am moving into levels I have never been before, but when I see the rewards and benefits from the hard work it will be worth it.
I am so thankful for a Daddy who loves me enough to put me in places that make me uncomfortable. I am in awe that He loves me enough to put me through the fire to refine me so that I may be all He has created me to be. I am also very thankful that He protects me from the attack of my enemy. Does that mean that the enemy won't come? No! It just means that when he does come that my Daddy will give me everything I need to resist him.
I have 20-22 more days until my first weigh in. I refuse to weigh in between visits. Scales are so different. I also don't want to get hung up on numbers. I am looking forward to seeing how much my hard work has paid off. My sisters said I look like I've already lost some. I'm sure they were just trying to boost my self-esteem, though. I have a number in my head that I would like to see on the scale. It will be interesting to see where my actual loss falls in.
I hope that you are having a great week. If you are joining me on this journey I would love to hear from you so that we can encourage one another. Email me or comment here.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)