When You Lose Your Joy

The last few years have been so full of ups and downs for me. Spring of 2008 we received the boys into our arms and hearts.  It was during this time of happiness six years ago that I lost Mom. She died just three days after Christmas. She was my best friend and it shook me to the very core. In the midst of grieving we welcomed Jewel-Anne (Spring 2009). Spring of 2010 we welcomed Liana and Isaiah. There has been plenty of happiness to go around. This year we are celebrating the homecoming of my husband. I have so many reasons to celebrate, but my heart still hurts. 

All of the things (not people) I love about my life no longer fill me like they used to. I am burnt out in so many ways and I don't know how to fix it. A few months ago I started counseling and it's helped, but I still feel so empty inside. My kids, while not perfect, are precious kids. My marriage is better than it's ever been. So why do I feel like this? 

What do you do when you lose your joy? I have been trying to seek God, but it's like He's hidden His face from me. I try to fill my life with things that would help me get out of this rut that I'm in, but nothing works. John has been awesome through all of this. He'll hold me and let me cry when I need to. He's trying to make sure I have more time out of the house so I can recharge. Nothing works. 

If I could have one thing for Christmas, it would be to reclaim my joy. To be able to enjoy life and embrace every moment with open arms instead of feeling panic and dread. For Christmas, I just want to be whole again. I feel so lost. 

Mama

And So It Hits

The day started with the kids having their favorite breakfast - Poptarts.  I try to keep it very simple on Sunday mornings.  The less I expect on Sunday mornings the better off we all are.  We all got showered and dressed.  I tried to find a moment to send one of our birth moms a letter.  Each Christmas I try to send her a note just to thank her for the gift she gave me.  I didn't get the letter completed so I will take care of that tonight. 


We went to church for Sunday School.  The kids did pretty well through that part of service pretty well.  A few days ago, one of my children decided it'd be great fun to bend my glasses a million different ways.  Amazingly, they didn't break.  I did my best to bend them back into shape - you learn a few things as the mama of 5 rough housers - but it just wasn't good enough.  We went to the mall to have an early lunch and get my glasses fixed.  Then it was off to take John to work.


The kids and I spent our afternoon celebrating Christmas with my side of the family.  We all had a great time. My kids were spoiled.  Jewel-Anne even brought home a few parting gifts.  She received a purse for Christmas.  She needed something to put in her purse so she snuck some of Cindy's doggy toys home with her.  Apparently, we are going to have to start checking her purse and pockets before we leave. LOL  When we got home we decorated the kids banks they got and put their money in it.  Afterwards it was time for a small snack and bedtime.  They are all snoozing now. 


I am sitting here in the quiet.  The only noises I hear are the smoke alarm (it beeps every few seconds to let me know it's still there) and the occasional bark from the dog.  I crave the quiet normally, but tonight it is simply too much.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  I have a good husband, wonderful kids, lots of extended family.  I am getting to build a relationship with my Dad and his wife.  There should be no reason to feel down, but I do.  Four Christmases without her and hopefully I'll be blessed with many more on this earth.  Four years of growing into motherhood.  Three extra little faces around the tree.  All I can think about is how she should be here with us.  I know God had His reasons for letting her go home when she did.  I would never EVER bring her back to this world of pain and suffering, but oh how I miss her.


I am so thankful for the TRUE meaning of this season.  I am just ready to be done with the commercialism of it for this year.  If it wasn't for the kids, the tree would already be down.  It will come down Wednesday, though.  Half the lights are already blown anyway.  Christmas Tuesday.  Mama's Glory Anniversary Friday.  I pray that the day comes that every Christmas isn't overshadowed by her death.  I have done my best to hold it together this year for my kids, but I can't do it tonight.  Tomorrow, I will paint on a happy face as we go about our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day activities.  Tomorrow, I will make sure the kids know that I love and care for them.  Tonight, though... Tonight, I will cry.


Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5 (NKJV)


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Granting Grace for Myself

I have finally finished all of my Christmas Shopping!!!  The kids will like what I got them.  (Believe it or not, Isaiah is the hardest to shop for.)  I am really impressed with John's gift! Gift Cards for Dad and Bonus Mama. I hate that I don't know them better.  Gift Cards are so impersonal.  Shopped for my siblings on Mom's side.  Everything is wrapped.  My box wasn't big enough to hold everything so the gifts are sitting on the coffee table in the living room.  Every day I hear "Mommy, is it "Chrisum" yet?"  Not yet, Liana. Soon, it will be.


I have really been struggling with getting into the mood to celebrate this year.  I am so thankful for my kids, but getting into the spirit of Christmas has been sooooo difficult this year.  I hate that every time Christmas comes I am haunted with memories of years past and visions of what I believe things should look like now.  My table is missing Grammie stories, 14 little hands and feet.  I am at a low point and I am just ready for this season to be behind me.  This isn't at all what God wants for me.  It's not what Mama wants for me either. 


I have been beating myself up for a month for not sticking to my diet.  I have had enough of that mental and physical torture.  I am giving myself a 3 week vacation.  Whatever goes into my mouth will not make me feel guilty.  I won't allow it.  This may not be the best way to deal with things, but it is what I have chosen to do.


On a brighter note, I received a couple suprises this weekend.  My dear, precious friend Stephanie sent me a Christmas card.  She made me cry. ;-)  I also received a card from Dad and Bonus Mama. The first ever gift/card from them.  I will cherish it.  I didn't really expect to get one of them.  Dad seems to  be the typical man who doesn't think about those things.  My thanks goes out to Bonus Mama for remembering me. 


I suppose that is all for now.  I am not sure I will be blogging for the rest of the year.  So just in case I don't "see" you before then - May God bless you with the merriest of Christmases.  I hope we all pause to thank God for His Christmas Gift to us.  That Gift is no longer a baby in a manger.  He grew up, was beaten and died on the Cross for the whole world's sins.  Now He lives forever more.  May we always remember that Christ is the reason for the season.  Please keep the CT shooting victims' families in your prayers.  Their tables will be very lonely this year, too.



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

The Joy and Sorrow of Christmas

I remember making a statement a couple months ago about having 45ish day cycles.  Of course the moment I notice this, this would change.  This morning I woke up bleeding.  Last cycle was 65 days long.  Bleh!


I certainly hope that PMS was the reason behind all of these crazy emotions I have been having.  If so then there is hope that life will become normal again.  Of course my normal would look anything but normal to most people.  ;-)  I am supposed to meet with Dad next week so it would be nice to feel normal when I do it.


Christmas is such a hard time for me.  Before the boys came into our lives, I always decorated the house the first weekend in November.  I did it because Mama loved Christmas so.  I also knew by the time Thanksgiving rolled around that I would be in no mood for the jolly season.  Christmas was bittersweet even then.  I made everything as perfect as possible for Mama, but I was dying inside.  I  just couldn't find the joy in the season when my arms were so empty.  It doesn't help matters that Elijah's due date is just after Christmas.  I struggle with knowing that there should be 24 little hands unwrapping presents, making cookies and helping Mama decorate.  Instead 14 of them will be decorating in Heaven this year. 


I am so thankful that Christ came to earth as a baby, bled and died on the cross for my sins as an adult and rose from the grave.  His life and death would've taken place even if I was the only one who needed Him.  It is really hard to separate the real reason from the commercialism of it all.  I wish I could be one of those people who looked back with a tear of joy in my eye and remember all of the good without the sadness.  I am not there, yet.  I will be one day, but today isn't the day.  When I think of Christmas I think of Christ, yes, but I also think of Mama not being here any longer and all of the things my babies are missing.  Isn't it funny how we, as Glory Mommies, think of all the stuff our Glory Babies are missing?  Yet if we stop and think about it, would we really want them to experience it all?  God's plan is perfect and His purpose was true for each of my kids.  He didn't want them to experience the sin of this fallen world.  He loved both of us enough to spare those seven of the heartbreak this world gives.  So I will pick myself up, finish the Christmas shopping I have to do, watch movies and bake cookies with my kids.  We will read the Christmas Story of Jesus' birth and celebrate the heart of Christmas.

A Discussion about Grandkids from an Eight Year Old's Perspective

We just finished putting theChristmas tree together. All the kids are asleep except for Sam. Sam and Dad were talking about grandkids. I asked Sam how many grandkids he was going to give me.

Sam: Ah about 99 or 100.
John: Oh really? What do you think your wife will say about that?
S: I think she will say I need to hire about a thousand babysitters. Then again she might just do the Tangled thing and hit me in the head with a frying pan.
J: when do you plan on telling her about your plan?
S: After kid number 84. I don't want to scare her too early!