Stepping out in faith is so hard. Even when you know that God is calling you to something better, you still long to go back to what is familiar. Facebook can be such a great blessing, but it often makes me long for what was. I long for the relationships that God delivered me from. The places and people of yesterday are not bad at all. God has just led us down a different bath.
I was looking through a friend's photos today. I seen a lot of pictures of people from our old church. Some of them I've been blessed to keep in touch with through facebook and others I have a stronger relationship with and I talk to them quite often or we hang out together. Other people are just a distant memory.
There are times in my life where I long to be that person that everyone likes. I want to be the popular, Christian who is very outgoing. I long to be the person who is missed when she doesn't show up for church. I want to fit into the mold to make THAT relationship work because I desire that person's love and affection. But would I be willing to sacrificed all that I am to get that? Do I so desperately seek that person/group of people's attention that I am willing to change to fit into their mold of perfect? I spent many years trying to do just that. I became very miserable and bitter.
The answers are really easy when you hear God speak. There was an event that occurred that made us leave our old church. We don't harbor resentment toward any of them, but it was clear to us that God was calling us in a new direction. We are very happy in our current church. Despite everything, I miss those people. They were my church family for over 14 years. I met nearly all of my friends there. It's the place I met my husband. It's the place that every one of my children were dedicated in. It's the place my son was baptized at. When it all came down to it and we left, hardly anyone noticed we were gone. That is sad.
God has called me to something different, though. At this moment in my life, I am not exactly sure what that is. Walking away is hard. Walking away and not looking back is almost impossible for me. I am a cyber stalker. It is so easy to check up on those from my past. It's easy to dwell on what went wrong, why we drifted apart, why God called us to go separate ways. No matter what happened, the past is the past and I need to leave it there. I feel like the Israelites as God led them to the Promise Land. When they were in the middle of the wilderness and had nothing to trust but God for their provision, how many of them wanted to turn around and go back to the place God had just called them from? They had a promise straight from God that better things were in store for them, yet they wanted to run back to captivity. So the question I am trying to answer right now is why do I struggle so hard with wanting to be where I am not wanted? Why do I struggle to hang onto, and pour into, a relationship that is completely one-sided? How do I let go and just walk away?
Blessings,
Mom of Many
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