This Picture

This picture. This picture was taken last night. It was my first Slim Fast shake of diet round # 4581258. I do not want to do this. My mind, body, and heart are completely against it this time. I do not want to fail, again. I don't want to hear well-meaning but irritating advice. I do not want to have people judging every bite/sip I put in my mouth. I just want to enjoy my food. 

Last July, I went to the doctor because my blood sugars were running pretty high. Right after that, my husband lost his job and our insurance. I was able to have one doctor's appointment before we were without coverage. I have periodically checked my blood sugar since then. I have gotten to the point where my blood sugar doesn't make me feel bad unless it is in the 400s. 

When Mama died, I got so angry with her for not taking better care of herself. Now, I understand the struggle she had. Sometimes you just want to be able to live a "normal" life. I want to be able to eat what I want without constantly being worried about/counting every bite that goes in my mouth. So I struggle. I want to do the right thing. I want to be healthy for my family. I don't want to die early...I just don't want to do the things that I need to do to get there. I just drank my second shake. Hopefully this will get better over time. Right now, this just sucks.