Unsettled

 This is a blog post I didn't want to have to write. It's not because it is a bad thing. It is because I am scared. Today, November 13, 2023, I went to see my primary care doctor for the first time in 14 months. I didn't set out to make it this way. I didn't decide, "Hmm, let's see how long I can manage to go without going to the doctor." The past year and a half has had a lot of emotional turmoil and medical anxiety for me so I just decided that we would avoid doctors at all costs. 

I want to lose weight. So I discussed that with my doctor today. He put me on Mounjaro. It is a Diabetes injection that has shown great success with losing weight. Of course I know that diet and exercise must be a part of my plan, but I am hoping this will be the golden ticket to helping me lose weight again. At the very least it will help me get back on track with my diabetes, I hope. I am just waiting for my insurance to approve it.

I have such mixed feelings this time around. I am scared of failing. As a life long yo-yoer, I am struggling because I already see myself failing without even starting. I questioned whether to blog this time around or not. Blogging was a great help when I first started doing it...until it wasn't. Then people would ask and I would just climb further into my cocoon and hide with my poison (food) of choice. 

I do not remember ever being under 250. I mean, I know I was as a teenager, but I do not remember that weight. One thing that has been on my mind lately is that I want 6 men to be able to carry my coffin when I die and right now, I know that would not be the case. 

If you are reading this and you want to help here is a list of things that help. Leave me comments here. Encouragement is always welcome, but please make sure that it is indeed encouragement. Please don't make all of our offline interactions about my weight. I appreciate that you want to cheer me along, but so often I have felt like my life has revolved around my weight, I do not want to feel like our relationship is dependent upon my weight loss success. And because I know that will be the next question - No, you haven't intentionally (at least I hope not) made me feel like my size equaled my worthiness of love, but it is strange the things your mind will sometimes tell you.