August Weigh-Ins

 August Weigh-Ins

    1 - 

    8 - 

    15 - 

    22 - 

    29 -   

Siatica

Just because life hasn't been interesting enough lately... A couple weeks ago, I started having pain while I was sleeping in my right thigh. It would wake me up at night. It was mid-thigh. It woke me out of a dead sleep. The pain was bad enough I yelled out in pain. I like to think I have a pretty good pain tolerance. I don't normally take pain meds for stuff (ie. headaches, etc) because it usually doesn't help. I have gotten pretty good at handling pain. This pain was bad enough that I woke John up when I shouted. (Sorry, John!) I was crying. It was that intense! I turned over on my side and after about 15-20 minutes the pain subsided and I was able to go back to sleep. All was well in my world again. Until the next night... Over the next two weeks, I would sporadically have these episodes. They would only happen at night. Once they were done that was it. They were getting more frequent, but still only happening at night. However, the last couple nights, when I would wake up, I would still feel lingering soreness from them. I will also note, during/after these episodes, the skin on the back of my thigh was numb to touch. Also noting: The pain would start mid thigh, but would go down almost to my knee and up into my butt. 

Me, in all of my doctor's knowledge, knew I had a pinched nerve so I decided for two weeks that they wouldn't do anything about it. However, yesterday, I realized 1) it wasn't getting any better... only worse. and 2) I had better go in and at least let them document that I was having issues just in case something happened later (for insurance purposes). I was officially diagnosed with Sciatica. I was given a shot in my butt (OUCH!! Ok, it wasn't as bad as I hyped it up to be. In fact, progesterone shots from my infertility treatment days were MUCH worse than that shot!)  She also gave me some exercises to try to help work it out. She did tell me it may take several weeks for it to resolve itself. (Yay me!) 

The shot has helped a LOT! I am still in pain... The pain is pretty constant at this point. I am glad I went in when I did! However, 85% of the pain is gone. It is just painful enough that I can still feel that it is there, but not enough to really bother me. Praise God for that! Now, we just do the exercises and wait for it to work itself out. I am not a fan of this getting old stuff. I like the LIVING part, but not the side effects! 

Work - Starting Week Two

I am determined that this week will be better than the last. Will that relieve this week of its challenges? No, but hopefully, this mindset changes the way I handle it. Even if it changes it just a little bit for the better! I am going to do my best to remember that God is with me come what may. That the will of God won't lead me where the grace of God can't keep me. That I will not take one step where He hasn't gone before me. All the while remembering that the weight of the world doesn't fall squarely on my shoulders. That the only thing I can do is my best (and I must do the best I can) but after that, it is in God's hands and whatever the outcome must be His will and I have to be willing to accept that. Success or failure, HE IS STILL GOD. No matter the challenges I face this week, He will not be dethroned! He will not be up there scratching His head, wondering or worrying, "Oh no! How am I going to fix this? How can I help her? What will I/we/she do now?!" I must remember that even if what I consider the worst outcome happens, HE has a better plan for me.

(Random/not so random thoughts I am having this morning that I can look back on to carry me through this week. Maybe they can help someone else. Maybe not. I don't know.)

Work - Week One Completed

 Week One is completed and not a moment too soon. This week through everything it had at me at work and in life in general. There were moments that I thought I wouldn't survive it but by the grace of God I did. 

Work - work is much harder than I thought it would be. There is so much to do. There is so much to remember. It is very stressful. I am struggling so bad to remember everything I am supposed to. I am taking notes, but even then, I am still struggling. I know a lot of it is the stress that is making my brain freeze up, but in the end the reasoning doesn't matter. I have a huge test to take at the end of each Module and if I do not pass that test with an 80% or greater I can/will lose my job. We have one grace. The first time we get a final written warning. The second time of a lower grade we lose our job. That has caused me to be in freak out mode the whole time. I passed my first assessment with a 91. I allowed myself a moment to breathe. Most people would say "Oh, that's great. I really do have this. Everything is going to be ok!" No, my brain doesn't work that way. I immediately went back into freak out mode again. I struggled so much with the assessment. The things that caused me to lose points on this assessment were pretty key points so I have got to get those figured out before the next one or I could potentially fail the next one. 

Life - While I will not get into everything going on in life right now. Life with ape crazy this week in a few key places that were impossible to ignore. Thankfully, I had a mid-week appointment already scheduled with my therapist for this week so she was able to help me get through the work stress and life challenges. She helped me to see that while I really want this job to work out, if it doesn't, the world will not fall down around me. There are other jobs out there. I can only try my best and be willing to accept whatever happens from there. Good in theory, harder to put into practice, but I am trying. She is right, though. 

Another blow to this week, we got Chewy's cremains back. That was hard. It just made everything completely final. 

Yesterday, the kids went to their aunt's house. John and I spent the day together. We try to spend Saturday's as Date Days. Even if we just do something at home because the kids are here, we try to be intentional about taking a few hours to spend together sowing into our relationship and each other. It is important. You cannot pour from a dry well.  You have to take time to care for yourself and you have to take time to take care of your spouse/relationship. You just do! We spent many years doing the bare minimum for ourselves and each other and trust me when I say, YOU CANNOT POUR FROM A DRY WELL! 

I think I am ready to face this next week. Ok, not really. I am scared, but I am as prepared as I can be. I am going to church this morning. Then I will take some time to mentally rest this afternoon before I get back at things tomorrow. This is going to be a better week. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. - Proverbs 18:21 NKJV

New Glasses

I got new glasses this week. I have entered the era of bifocals. Yay me! I am getting old. I was scared of the adjustment period, but it hasn't been bad. I was spending more time with my glasses off than I was with them on, though so it was time to make the switch to bifocals. I am doing much better with them, now. I am glad I have them. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

 I do not know how vague or forthcoming I will be in my blogs for the next couple months. Some of them may be very vague while others will be very transparent. I will ask that, if you follow me here and know me on facebook, please show me the respect of not posting anything there until I do. 

Life, she is a-changin'. I am not going to go into all the reasons why. I will say that after being a stay at home wife and mom for over twenty years (besides a short stent at Walmart a couple years ago), I am going back to work. It is just time. Life is shifting. John and I will be sharing the trio's school responsibilities so that part of our lives will not change. 

In late spring, we started praying about me going back to work. We both had some requirements and some desires from a position should God bless me with a job. 1) I wanted something I could do from home. When I had my short stint at Walmart, I felt like I never saw my family because I felt like all I did was work and sleep. 2) I wanted weekends off if possible. John, while he works two jobs, has the weekend off from his main job. 3) I wanted a shift that was close to his main job's shift. This way I would be off for appointments and such in the mornings. I would be able to get stuff done since I wouldn't have a weekend day off. There were a few other "wants" but these were the big ones. The big thing was, I wanted God to place me where HE wanted me. 

I started applying for positions in late May. I applied at over 50 places. I had a few interviews. Globe Life wanted me to sell insurance for them. I had a couple companies that decided I didn't have enough experience after interviewing for them. Then, I finally got hired with company A. Company A was the first company that showed real interest in me. It was going to be a telemarketing position where I would be doing political fundraising calls. I didn't have peace about it, but I accepted it because it was a job. My thought process was that I would stay there until I built up some experience and then move on to another company. The problem with this position was, other than the obvious, I have medical problems. The position was 9a-5:30PM *I think*. Each doctor's appointment I had, I would have to schedule time off from work because I wouldn't be able to get to the doctor and get to work before I was to clock in. There was no PTO offered, etc. Still, my plan was to make the best of it. I was supposed to start training for company A this past Monday (7/6).

Then, I got a call for an interview from Company B. I interviewed with them on 7/1. I was sure that I wasn't going to get the position. I had two interviews with them. The first interview was with a lady who went over the position and asked some "interview- tell me a time when... questions" She had some technical issues so a 20 minute interview ended up lasting over an hour. There were two other ladies interviewing at the same time (online). She asked me to stay after the interview. She wanted to know if I thought I would be a good fit for their company since I didn't have any call center experience. I started to freak out because I was already sure I had screwed up the interview at this point. I had gotten tips from a couple people, but instead of using those tips, I went in and was just myself. I told her that I knew that I didn't have the experience another person may have but that I would give it my all and work hard for their company if given the chance. She scheduled a second interview. The second interview was just over an hour later with a gentleman. He went over more details about the company and the position. He wanted to know if I could be a self starter. A lot of my examples were from being a mom to 5 kids. I also told him I was an introvert and I did well in settings where I had to motivate myself. He admitted that he was a fellow introvert so he was excited about that. Again, I spent this interview feeling like I wouldn't get the job, but GOD (and I give Him all the praise!) At the end of the interview, the gentleman told me he wanted to offer me the position. Company B, has PTO, Holidays, benefits, etc. The pay is a bit less than company A, but not by much. Company B seems like a better fit though. My list from earlier? Company B? It meets every single one of those boxes. It's a work from home position. Weekends off. John and I work the exact same schedule. They are also supplying me with the equipment I need to work - something Company A didn't do. I had to supply everything (computer, headset, etc.)  For those wondering, yes I did write Company A and decline the position when I accepted the other position. I felt bad, but I wanted an opportunity where I could grow with the company and I couldn't get that from Company A. 

There has been much stress with me going back to work and I haven't even started yet. I feel like I am not qualified for this job. Obviously, they are going to train me. There is 8 weeks of training. There are tests I have to pass or I do not get to keep the position. That is scary and reassuring at the same time. They said they do everything they can to help us pass the tests short of taking the tests for us. They want to see us succeed. I have a very low self-esteem so it has been an emotional rollercoaster. I am scared of failing. Those closest to me who know what has been going on have listened to me endlessly. I am so grateful for those people. Eventually, this news may become public, but I want to try to make it through the 8 weeks of training first. I keep telling myself that the only thing that will truly relieve this stress is surviving milestones. If I make it through Orientation, my first day...first week, pass my first test...get my first pay check... pass the next test... (there are six of them)... When I am not overwhelmed with stress I know that this is a blessing from God and if He has provided, HE will see me through. It doesn't mean I don't need to do my part. It DOES mean that He won't leave me. 

I would ask that if you see this that you pray for me, but most likely, if you are seeing this, the time has already passed so I made it through this first phase. Prayers are always good, though sooooo... 😉

Chewy

 Yesterday, we had to put our beloved dog Chewy to sleep. Last year, he had gotten really sick but had recovered. This time, his quality of life just went down hill. We talked to the vet when we got to the appointment to put him to sleep. After looking at him, she agreed that it was time based on what she was seeing. It wasn't an easy choice. This is the first time in my forty-three years I had ever had to say good-bye to one of MY pets through death. One thing I can say is that he was well loved and he loved well. There will be a permanent Chewy-sized hole in our hearts. He wasn't just a pet. He was family. 

(From FB)

Today, we said good-bye to our precious Chewy as he crossed the rainbow bridge. His precious life brought so much happiness to ours. He was such a good boy who loved his family well. Life will not be the same without him.

There is a a song that I found with one of my miscarriages that part of has been on my heart since he passed. "Your days changed everything/ You're missed now and will always be/ But you left here the greatest gift of all/ Cause our hearts ache for home." (Side note: I will not get into a theological debate about whether pets make it to Heaven or not. If the Bible says the lion and the lamb will be there, then while I am here I can take hope in believing I will be reunited with Chewy. If I am not then I am only hurting myself. By the time I realize I am wrong, I will be in Heaven where it won't matter any way so just don't go there, please!)

July Weigh-Ins

 July Weigh-Ins

    4 - 211.4

    11 - 210

    18 - 207.2

    25 - 212.7

June Weigh-Ins

 June Weigh-Ins

    6 - 216

    13 - 209.2

    20 - 206.1

    27 - 205.4

Osteoporosis

 Well, that is fun! A few weeks ago my dietician recommended I have a DEXA scan done to figure out why my weight loss had stalled. Her reasonings were valid, but I do not remember them all at this moment. I discussed this with my doctor and he sent me for the scan, which was scheduled for yesterday. 

This morning the nurse from my PCP's office called and gave me the results. At 42 years old I have been diagnosed with osteoporosis. This isn't just "take some extra calcium and you'll be good. I take 2000 milligrams of calcium every day. I should've BEEN GOOD. They are calling me in a shot to start taking for it. I don't remember if she said it would be weekly or monthly. I don't even remember the name of it. 

I am kind of in a state of shock right now. I didn't expect this at all. I know it isn't the end of the world, but it is a lot to process. 

Carpal Tunnel Surgery Take 2

 Yesterday, I had my second Carpal Tunnel surgery done. Please excuse the typos because it is hard to type right now. Surgery went well. I have no reason to believe that healing will not be as smooth a process as last time or better. I told my doctor that while I hope I do not see him again (His PA will do my follow up appt) I am going to miss him. We both hope that I do not have to see him again, though. If you need any orthopedic surgery done, I can give you a recommendation. 

Let me brag on my husband, though. He hardly left my side yesterday. He wasn't allowed back with me during pre-op, but he was there as soon as I woke up in recovery. He went to pick up the oldest two from work yesterday, but other than that, he was by my side the whole day. I cannot express to you how much this man means to me. My heart would be lost without him. I am so thankful that God gave him to me to love and cherish. I am grateful that John continues to choose to love me each day. My world is a better place because of him. I could write a million words and it still wouldn't be enough to express the love and gratitude my heart feels for him. 

May Weigh-Ins

 May Weigh-Ins

    2 - 219.1

    9 - 226.1

    16 - 228.1

    23 - 223.7

    30 - 216

May A1c

 The nurse just called and said all of my labs looked great. My A1c from last time was 5.0. It went down .4 points. I think that makes it a .1 less than six months ago so I will take it. I am proud of myself. 

Today's A1c was 4.6! 

Carpal Tunnel Surgery Recovery

 Carpal Tunnel surgery for me was an experience that I didn't expect. First of all, I drive my husband and sons to work every day. The rule was that I had to be without pain meds for 24 hours before I could drive. I had made the decision before surgery that I wouldn't take the pain medicine. Too many people were depending on me. John could've driven himself, but that would've left the boys to walk to work if I couldn't drive them. We do not live that far their work place, but I didn't want them to have to walk. There were days I should've taken the meds. Tylenol and Advil didn't touch my pain but I made it through. 

Recovery itself (pain aside) wasn't that bad. I went in for the two week post-op visit and had my stitches taken out. THAT was an experience. I didn't cry or scream, but I wanted to do both! It was painful. My wrist incision healed beautifully. My elbow incision was still open and required steri-strips. I also ended up on "just in case" antibiotics, but all in all the incision did well. 

I will say that my expectations for surgery were unrealistic. I thought the pain/numbness/tingling would immediately go away once surgery was over. That hasn't been the case for me. It has greatly improved, but I still have some numbness and tingling in my hand and arm. My doctor is aware of this and I was told it can take up to 8 months for the nerves to rewire and for the pain to completely go away. That being said, I would do it again - and I am. I am going to be having the other arm done in about three weeks. 

Menopause Update

 This update is coming a week or so late. I have been at a loss for words lately and have avoided blogging. 

I had my menopause labs drawn again to see where they were since starting hormones. My estrodiol level had went up, but not where they wanted it to be so they doubled the strength of my patches. So far she's had me using two of the patches and she called in the stronger ones for when I run out of these. My progesterone level must've been fine because she left that where it was. I was started on a testosterone cream, though. I go back in for labs in three weeks to see how things are going then. They have talked to me about doing pellets, but they are so expensive and are not covered under insurance at all so right now I cannot justify them. 

April Weigh-Ins

 April Weigh-Ins

    4 - 212.9

    11 - 214.2

    18 - 214.9

    25 - 216.4

April's Goals

  Physical Health

1. Work to keep a1c in range.
2.  Keep all doctor appointments

3. Have Carpal Tunnel Surgery

Nutrition

1. Eat more protein
2. Drink more water.
3. Try one new recipe.

Fitness

1. Spend at least 20 hours on the Walking Pad this month
2. Start Weight Lifting 3 times a week
3. Keep Moving

Spiritual

1. Read 30 chapters in the Bible 
2. Complete my current Devotion book 
3. Complete "He Calls Me Daughter" Devotion

Emotional

1. Journal daily
2. Attend all therapy appointments and follow recommendations
3. Schedule a Mom's Day Out

Misc.

1. Schedule a Love Shower
2. Schedule two "fun dates" with my family
3.. Read 5 books

Carpal Tunnel

 About three-ish months ago, I started having numbness and tingling in my finger tips. This quickly turned into PAIN. It got so bad one Saturday night that it woke me up while I was sleeping. By Monday, I decided it was time to consult my doctor. I went to the doctor and he did a couple things to my hands/wrists and told me he thought I had carpal tunnel. He scheduled me for a Nerve Conduction Study and we waited. The appointment for the test came and it was very unpleasant. 

My doctor said the results showed I had moderate carpal tunnel and he referred me to a specialist. That appointment was yesterday. I really liked the doctor. He said the test showed I had MILD carpal tunnel, but after he did his exam, he said he disagreed and it was more severe than that. He only examined my right (dominate) arm. 

Let me side note here. my symptoms since my first visit with my doctor have went from my finger tips, to my entire fingers, to my entire hand, and up to my elbow. That all happened in about three months.

He gave me three options. 1) Do nothing and wait. He said given how quickly my symptoms were progressing, he didn't recommend that. 2) I could do steroid shots but they wouldn't be a permanent solution and would have to be repeated every so often. or 3) We could do surgery and see if that would help.

I am not interested in doing something that isn't a permanent fix. This is painful. It is to the point now that I can't even stand to hold John's hand on my right side. At times it makes it difficult to grip the steering wheel and the strength in that hand is decreasing. We both agreed that surgery would be the best option. He said after we did surgery on the right side we would "reevaluate and see if we wanted to do the left." 

Right now, I am waiting for the surgery coordinator to call me to schedule the surgery. I know nothing is 100%, but I am ready to get this done. He said he would be releasing two different nerves, but I do not remember what either of them where called. He said one was at my wrist and one was at/near the elbow. 

Please pray that this fixes things and for a gentle recovery. Thanks everyone! 

4.0

 No, that's not my GPA! (I wish!) I finally made it to 4.0 MPH on the Walking Pad!!! I did it yesterday for most of my walk, but today, I started and finished my walk at 4.0, except my cool down time! I am so proud of myself. That was supposed to be part of April's goals, but it ended up happening early. 

Glaucoma Update

 I saw my eye doctor for a glaucoma check up today. My pressures were 13 and 15! Those were great pressures he said. I go back for a full (annual) exam in September. Yay! I am considering bifocals because I am tired of switch between wearing my glasses and taking them off to read. I will talk to him more about it when I go back. 

He Calls Me Daughter

 This is starting as a blog post that will probably get C&P'd to FB. This is a trigger warning for all of my siblings that this post talks about my relationships with both of my parents. You may or may not want to read this. I am not posting this to hurt anyone. In fact, I have tried to be very sensitive with my posts regarding both of my parents because I know they both did the best they could to love me in the ways they knew how. This talks about them, but ultimately, this is about ME and my healing and I am working on not apologizing for existing/for healing out loud just because it may bother someone. That being said, here's the post. 

Tonight I went to see the film "He Calls Me Daughter." I had been planning to see it for a few weeks. Originally, I had planned to see it when it came out the first time the first week of March, but I forgot the dates and missed it. I am so thankful that they did an encore showing last night and tonight. I knew I would be in my feelings as I watched this, but I didn't expect just how much I would be. 

This film follows these women who had broken relationships with their fathers and how they found healing by ultimately finding Christ. Although each story was different, I could see pieces of myself in each of the stories. The women who felt unloved and unworthy of love. The women who would turn to sex and relationships to fill the emptiness inside them. The women who struggled with trusting anyone because of how they had been let down by the one man who was suppose to be their (earthly) everything. The list goes on and on.

I have struggled most of my life with blaming myself because my dad wasn't present in my life until adulthood. I always knew he had other children so growing up I would question what was so wrong with me that I couldn't be a part of that too. In my adult years, I found out that he absolutely was the man that I thought he was. He was a great man and father to his other children. So something MUST be wrong with me for me not to have the relationship the I so desperately craved with him. Every negative emotion I felt, I turned inward because it must be by fault. I'd like to tell you that before he passed, that we sat down and had the healing conversation that I so desperately needed. I wish I could tell you that I heard him tell me he loved me. None of that is true. Part of that responsibility lies with me, though. There were so many hard conversations that needed to be had, but I was so scared to have them. I was scared that if I pushed for more than he was comfortable giving that he would shut me out. I was willing to have a surface relationship with him than no relationship at all. 

Now, let me just stop right here for a moment. I have met many people who knew my daddy. Some who worked with him. Some who participated in other activities with him, I've met all of my siblings, their mothers, his friends and random people (to me) who just knew him. I've yet to find someone who had a bad word to say about him in my adult life. Outside of my existence and the choices that were made by both of my parents to get them, and me, where we are today, no one had anything bad to say about my Dad.  

I know my mom. I grew up with her. I know how fiercely she loved and protected me and how she was afraid of losing me. I am not naive to believe she is one hundred percent innocent in my lack of relationship with my dad. I was once told a story about circumstances that I didn't find out wasn't 100% true until after I met Dad. (The story came from my brother and not Dad so I know there was truth in it.) For those interested, I never heard a bad word come from his mouth about Mom. Both Dad and my Bonus Mama never said anything negative to me about her and I deeply respect them for that. 

I cannot fully say that I regret the way I was raised. I do not have memories of my parents constantly bad mouthing each other. I do not have memories of the going back and forth. I don't have memories of two birthdays, two Christmases, or any of the negative things you think of when it comes to parents who aren't married. Still, there is part of me that would trade all of the goodness just to experience the inclusion of all the hugs I missed, all the love I missed, etc. 

In many ways, the "sins of the parents" has bled over into my relationship with God - the ultimate Father. Every single relationship I have ever experienced has been met with conditional love (or so it seems) "I love you...if you do this right." "I love you... so long as you don't do this wrong..." "I love you... but only as long as" In some ways, I guess I am still waiting for God to say, "Okay, this is the last time, I am picking you up. I won't clean you off again. I have forgiven you for the last time. There are no more chances. This is it!" I want to say I understand that He is God and he isn't prone to human emotion, and I know that, but I don't KNOW that. If the ones who created me wanted to end my life before it even really got started, I have trouble reconciling that with the Father Who tells me He loved me so much He would send his Son to die for me. Love, in every relationship I've ever had has always been conditional. So what happens when He's had enough of me, too? Trusting God is a work in progress for me. He's never let me down, but I keep thinking He will eventually get tired of me and leave me too. 

(Yes, I am aware my therapist has her work cut out for her. She has enough work to last her up until an hour after her funeral, but I'm working on that!)

Vyvanse - Day 1

 I have been in the process of being diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder for a few weeks, but now, I officially have the diagnosis. A few weeks ago my dietician suggested that I talk talk to my doctor about BED so I made an appointment with my PCP. During the wait for the appointment, I had an appointment with the PA/NP with my bariatric clinic who also gave the diagnosis of Binge Eating Disorder. Both she and my PCP seem to be in agreement that this is what I am dealing with. I have talked a bit about this before, but I will probably talk about it a bit (a lot) more now that we have a game plan. Yesterday, I met with my PCP who prescribed Vyvanse to help treat BED. 

So what is BED? Well, you can google that. I will say when this was first suggested that I had this, I was like "uh, I do not think I have this," but as I looked at the symptoms and compared them to my symptoms and behaviors I agreed with everyone else that, yes I do have this. 

Today was my first day of taking the medication. I intentionally made sure I did my walk before taking my medication so I couldn't attribute the success of the walking pad with the new medication. I know when I started taking Phentermine, it gave me such an increase of physical and emotional energy that it really kept me pepped up at first. I did not want to associate getting back on the walking pad for the first time in forever with the side effects (even though they'd be good) with this new medication. 

I cannot say I had many side effects that I would notice except for lunch. Breakfast I had a protein shake. For lunch, I had a small burrito. I ate that fine. I stopped when I was full and all was good. About 30 minutes after I finished lunch my stomach decided to rebel against me. I got so nauseous that I though I was going to vomit. I laid down and took a small nap. I was fine when I got back up. This afternoon I had a couple laughing cow cheese wedges and 6 pretzel crisps. For dinner I had a salad and half a hamburger patty from dinner the other night. I can see the appetite suppressant with this medication so far (aside from the nausea), but not many side effects good or bad other than that so that is good. We will see how tomorrow goes! 

Hello Walking Pad My Old Friend

 It has been a good long while since I have had a date with the walking pad. I had a mental block as well as a physical block about getting back on it. I am a creature of habit. I do fine as long as do something EVERY DAY. Well, unfortunately I was walking every single day with no breaks. When I got to the point that clinic kept fussing about me not losing (or losing fast enough) I got up to two hours a day...then 4 hours a day on my walking pad. It got to the point that I was waking up at 2 AM on some mornings (like Sundays) if I had something to do if it stopped me from walking first thing in the morning. Somewhere along the way I lost my joy (or as an old friend used to say "my want to") so I stopped for a day. It didn't become an abrupt stop. But one day made it easier to stop again and then that became another stop then instead of stopping for one day...one day became two... two became several... several became a week. Weeks became a month. And then I told myself that I wasn't getting back on it until I could be consistent. Oh, I tried a couple times, but the times I tried, I just felt like a failure because I wouldn't stick with it. I wouldn't do four hours... or I wouldn't do every day... So I just quit. 

Let me stop for a minute and tell you something. I have had to learn to accept help. I have a great set of friends and family who support me through this, but I would be remiss if I failed to spotlight the help of my therapist and my dietician. My therapist has been pushing me to get back on the walking pad, to walk outside, to do anything that gave me some type of movement. For weeks, my dietician (Thank you NOURISH!) has been encouraging me to get back to moving. I had an appointment with her yesterday. She has offered all kinds of things that went above and beyond what I feel are her responsibilities to help see me succeed. Yesterday she told me she would send me a message each morning to remind me to get on the walking pad. Do I need to be reminded to get on the walking pad? No. It sits in my room taunting me all hours of the day. I do not need the reminder, but her kindness and willingness to go above and beyond touched my heart. She also told me that I didn't have to do an hour. She told me that any movement was progress and that we could work up to my goal of an hour. (read TWO...or more) 

I cannot tell you exactly what it was that broke through to me, but SOMETHING (along with God's grace) got my lazy butt up this morning and I got on the walking pad. I didn't have a goal set in stone. I wanted to do an hour. I wanted to do 3.5 mph (where I believe I left off at), but I would've been fine (I think) with any amount of movement because it was more than I did yesterday. I got on the walking pad, turned on my Christian music play list. I turned the WP to 3.5 MPH and walked for an hour. I am tired, but it's a good tired. Now I feel like I can face the day with confidence instead of dread because I have completed the task that usually looms over my head all day. 

Menopause

 Well this is a life curve I wasn't ready for. Let's back up for a moment. About ten years ago (give or take), I had a D&C. My uterine lining was too thick because of my PCOS. The testing came back as pre-cancerous and I was told that I would need to stay on Provera (progesterone) daily to prevent my lining from becoming too thick again. I had ultrasounds every six months to check the status of my lining. All was status quo until last September. I had my routine ultrasound and my lining was "very thin." They attributed it to the hormonal changes from my weight loss/ weight loss surgery. I was told to stop taking the Provera daily and only take it periodically to induce a period instead of abstain from one. I took a round of Provera in November and nothing happened. I took another round in January and again, nothing happened. I called my OB/GYN after a couple weeks and she scheduled me for another ultrasound. I had that on Monday along with bloodwork. 

She called me today and "out of the blue" announced that I was in menopause. I am 42 so I guess it wasn't "out of the blue" but I do not have the classic symptoms of menopause. I am not overly moody (even asking John...), no hot flashes, etc. If anything, these days, I am freezing more often than not (thanks WLS!)

My lab results showed I have "no" estrogen levels, no progesterone levels and no testosterone levels and my Vitamin D levels are low, despite what the bariatric doctor has been telling me. I will be starting Estrogen, progesterone (again) and a testosterone routine as soon as we can see what the insurance will cover vs. what it will not. 

To be honest, I am not ok. I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me. I find myself grieving for all the what ifs. I don't think I truly wanted more children, but John and I had always said we'd leave our family size up to God and if HE chose to bless us with more we would gladly accept as many as He gave us. I am in the throes of teenagers and adulthood. I do not know if I have it in me to start from stage one again. Our family was built through adoption so I know if we decided we wanted more children we could adopt again. That isn't what this is about. This is a chapter of my life closing that I had no warning or no say so in whatsoever. 

I know me well enough to know I would have grieved my (lack of) fertility with or without warning of menopause. It is just extra tender right now because there was no warning. I didn't get the warning of missed/ spaced out periods because I have PCOS. That is part of the game. And like I said earlier, the medication I was on caused me not to have periods at all. I have spent the better part of the last few hours thinking about this. "Well, if xyz would've happened, I would handle this better.." No, really, I wouldn't. This is where I am. I just need to sit with it, grieve over it until I can make peace with it, and get past it. I am not one of those women who celebrate this stage of life, at least not yet, but I pray I will find the reason to celebrate this next stage of life very soon.  

March Weigh-Ins

March Weigh-Ins

    7 - 200.6

    14 - 203.0

    21 - 205.9

    28 - 204.8

One Year Post-Op Appointment with Bariatric Clinic

 Today I had my one year post-op appt with my bariatric clinic today. This year has been a definite roller coaster to say the least. I do not regret having the surgery for anything, but I have struggled for every pound I have lost. This is the longest I have "stayed on the wagon" without burning it down. Sure, I have fallen off a few times along the way but I have gotten back up each time. 

Even when I was doing everything completely by the book, my progress was slow. I have tried going to appointments monthly with my clinic to see if accountability helped. Their idea of accountability was weighing me (of course) and then lecturing me if I hadn't lost enough weight or if I had gained. The one month that I kicked butt (I lost like 11 lbs) was the month I had started having issues with swallowing. I actually saw Dr. W that visit (a rare occurrence) and because they were so focused on my GI issues (rightly so) they didn't have anything positive to say about my weight loss.

We have tried Phentermine. My PCP put me on Mounjaro again. (I had taken it prior to surgery) I do not respond to the weight loss side effects of Mounjaro. I didn't prior to surgery and I haven't since surgery. I'm on a pretty high dose also. I have lost weight, it is just very slow. Kind of a step forward, a couple steps back kind of progress. 

During this process, I have started working with a mental health therapist and a registered dietician. While I do not have the official diagnosis, we have an unofficial diagnosed eating disorder. (I will probably make a separate post about that.) My therapist has mentioned that multiple times. My last appointment with my RD, she put a name to it. She thinks I have BED. I do not have all the symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder, but I have enough of them that I can say "I could see that." She has mentioned a medication she wants me to talk to my doctor about. I made an appointment to speak with my PCP, but I cannot get into him for a couple weeks. I talked to the PA about it today and she was in agreement with me talking to my PCP about it. She said it was something that the bariatric clinic wouldn't prescribe. 

The past few weeks, I haven't exercised like I should. I haven't stuck to my diet as close. I have gained 7.3 pounds since my last bariatric appointment two months ago. So almost a pound a week on average. I am now right at 199. I promised myself I would never hit 200 again. 

I *THINK* I have found my wake up point. I have lost my "want to." and I am desperate to find it again. I know my WHY... that isn't the problem. The problem is the drive to actually do it. I will get there, though. 

Monthly Goals List

 Physical Health

1. Work to keep a1c in range.
2. Make appt to discuss new medication with PCP.

Nutrition

1. Eat more protein
2. Drink more water.
3. Try one new recipe.

Fitness

1. Spend at least 15 hours on the Walking Pad this month
2. Start Weight Lifting 3 times a week
3. Find my "why" again

Spiritual

1. Read 31 chapters in the Bible 
2. Complete my current Devotion book 
3. Spend more time praying.

Emotional

1. Journal daily
2. Attend all therapy appointments and follow recommendations
3. Let go of things that do not bring me joy.

Misc.

1. Make Appointment with PCP to discuss new medication.
2. Schedule a "fun date" with my family
3.. Read 5 books

It's My One Year Surgery-versary

Scars By I Am They

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

So I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I will tell of who You are
‘Cause forever I am thankful for

I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Today marks my one year surgery-versary. I am writing this just after midnight. I have dreaded this post for weeks. The last 16 months (when I first started with clinic until now) have been a real rollercoaster of emotions, physical accomplishments and setbacks, and spiritual trials and feats. I am so glad I didn't know all that I was getting into because to be honest, I am not sure I would have signed up. I do not regret my surgery, but I know if I had known what was on this side of things prior to surgery I would have decided it was too much for me to handle and quit before I started. Thank God, He only gives us the knowledge we need for the season we are in. Amen? 

This last year has tested me physically. In the three months before surgery, I struggled with losing weight. I weighed 281 just before going to Clinic for the first time. Surgery Day I weighed 241.8. Tuesday I weighed in at 197.9. If you look back, I have lost 83.1 lbs since I started with clinic, but only 43.9 lbs since surgery. While I am trying to be proud of that (and I am), I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am disappointed that it wasn't more. Often it is hard to focus on where I've come from because all I can see is how far I still need to go (60-90 lbs left). I know I can do this and I will continue to "do this" until I meet my goal, but it is disappointing and I would be remiss if I didn't share that with you. 

This last year (fifteen months) has tested me emotionally. I think I have felt every emotion I have ever felt at least twice and some WAY more than that. It has been a real TRIP to say the least! Dollywood has nothing on the ride I have been on. Some days were really good and some days were just... NOT! I can be anyone else's biggest cheerleader, I am my own worst critic. There were days that I was my own hype man and other days Satan had me right where he wanted me and I allowed him to do it. (Why do we do that? Still trying to figure that one out!) Some days even the good was overshadowed by the negative and that is just the nature of the beast, especially when the beast is accompanied by depression and anxiety. 

This last year has tested me spiritually. Although, I did have a major breakthrough in my walk with Christ this year, I had to experience some very low points, too. I am thankful for all God allowed me to walk through because I wouldn't have made it to where I am if I hadn't had those struggles, but there was more than a time or two where I looked up at Him and just asked "Really, God?" (And if that doesn't make me a good enough Christian in your eyes then that is on you because for once I can say that I know exactly where I stand with God and I know He can handle my questions.)

This last year has made me. God has been shaping me into a new person. He's not finished. I have a long ways to go, but I am not giving up. I may feel behind in my goal progress, but I'm not giving up. I may have experienced some regain, but I'm not giving up. It may seem like two steps forward, one step back some days, but I'm not giving up. I will reach my goals. Perhaps not on my original timeline, but I will get there. With God's help and grace. I will get there. 

Could This Be Gallbladder Issues?

 I think I had my first gallbladder attack tonight, but I am not sure. I was sitting in bed saying my bedtime prayers before John got off work. This usually takes me a little bit of time because I have some very specific prayers (and people) I pray for. I normally whisper my prayers because otherwise my mind wanders and I get sidetracked in my prayers. Any way...

As I was praying, this pain came over me. It was on my right side in front right under my breast (about a hand-width wide). It went around into my back and up my shoulder blade. It extended up into my actual shoulder. This lasted for almost two hours. After about an hour the pain did die down some, but it was clearly still there. At it's worst, I could barely talk the pain was so intense. It was bad enough that I considered the ER for a fleeting moment. 

I googled gallbladder symptoms and I didn't / don't appear to be having any other symptoms so I am unsure if this was gallbladder related, something else or just a weird fluke. I guess time will tell if it is gallbladder related or not. 

February A1C

 The nurse just called and said all my labs came back great. My a1c was up .3 points from last time, but 
I will work on getting that back down. It was still a really good a1c, though so I will celebrate that! 

A1C - 5.0

February Weigh-Ins

February Weigh-Ins

    7 - 198.6

    14 - 196.2

    21 - 195.3

    28 - 197.9

Rings, Bras, and Weight Loss - Oh My

 I have lost 6.2 lbs since the beginning of January! I know that doesn't sound like much, but I am pretty happy. I still have two more weeks left to count for January. I am hoping this ends up being a ten pound month, but who knows! 

A couple months ago, my rings started getting REALLY lose on me. They were a size 10 so I went and had my finger sized at Walmart. I was a size 8. I bought one of their cheapie sets. I spent like $15 on it. My daughter L told me that it would turn my finger green. I wear cheap jewelry (man-made diamonds, etc) all the time so I figured it wouldn't, but she was right. I wore it anyway and figured I'd just save up to buy a new set. Well, those started getting super loose. They were driving me crazy. I found a cheap, sterling silver with cubic zarconia set that I really like. It's got blue gems in it too. It is the perfect place holder just in case my fingers get smaller as I lose more weight. OR it could be my forever ring. Either would be fine with me. I like it! It's pretty. 

I finally broke down and bought a couple new bras, too. I am presently in a size 38B. It fits great. 

Clinic Check-In

 Updating before I go to Clinic this afternoon. My weight this morning shows I have lost 10.8 in the last three weeks (the last time I was in Clinic.) I am so excited for that! 

AFTER APPOINTMENT: 

She said I have lost 25lbs on Phentermine with a little bit of regain while I was sick bringing my total to 22.6. I am happy with that. What I am not happy with is that she gave me my last prescription of the medication  so we will see how this goes. My PCP has said that he will write it for me, but I do not know if I will go that route or not. 

January Weigh-Ins

January Weigh-Ins

    3 - 197.3

    10 - 194.2

    17 - 191.1

    24 - 195.3

    31 - 197.9

Gained .6 lbs this month.