Menopause

 Well this is a life curve I wasn't ready for. Let's back up for a moment. About ten years ago (give or take), I had a D&C. My uterine lining was too thick because of my PCOS. The testing came back as pre-cancerous and I was told that I would need to stay on Provera (progesterone) daily to prevent my lining from becoming too thick again. I had ultrasounds every six months to check the status of my lining. All was status quo until last September. I had my routine ultrasound and my lining was "very thin." They attributed it to the hormonal changes from my weight loss/ weight loss surgery. I was told to stop taking the Provera daily and only take it periodically to induce a period instead of abstain from one. I took a round of Provera in November and nothing happened. I took another round in January and again, nothing happened. I called my OB/GYN after a couple weeks and she scheduled me for another ultrasound. I had that on Monday along with bloodwork. 

She called me today and "out of the blue" announced that I was in menopause. I am 42 so I guess it wasn't "out of the blue" but I do not have the classic symptoms of menopause. I am not overly moody (even asking John...), no hot flashes, etc. If anything, these days, I am freezing more often than not (thanks WLS!)

My lab results showed I have "no" estrogen levels, no progesterone levels and no testosterone levels and my Vitamin D levels are low, despite what the bariatric doctor has been telling me. I will be starting Estrogen, progesterone (again) and a testosterone routine as soon as we can see what the insurance will cover vs. what it will not. 

To be honest, I am not ok. I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me. I find myself grieving for all the what ifs. I don't think I truly wanted more children, but John and I had always said we'd leave our family size up to God and if HE chose to bless us with more we would gladly accept as many as He gave us. I am in the throes of teenagers and adulthood. I do not know if I have it in me to start from stage one again. Our family was built through adoption so I know if we decided we wanted more children we could adopt again. That isn't what this is about. This is a chapter of my life closing that I had no warning or no say so in whatsoever. 

I know me well enough to know I would have grieved my (lack of) fertility with or without warning of menopause. It is just extra tender right now because there was no warning. I didn't get the warning of missed/ spaced out periods because I have PCOS. That is part of the game. And like I said earlier, the medication I was on caused me not to have periods at all. I have spent the better part of the last few hours thinking about this. "Well, if xyz would've happened, I would handle this better.." No, really, I wouldn't. This is where I am. I just need to sit with it, grieve over it until I can make peace with it, and get past it. I am not one of those women who celebrate this stage of life, at least not yet, but I pray I will find the reason to celebrate this next stage of life very soon.