Work - Week 4 Completed

 This was an interesting week. I did pretty well this week. While this week held it's challenges, don't they all, it had some really big highs too. I made a 100% on my assessment! We took this one earlier in the week. We started taking live calls on Thursday, I think. Our first two calls our trainer "sat" with us and listened to our calls and would let us know if there was anything he thought we needed to do during the call. While I was waiting on him to get to me for my turn, I found a message from him from the day we took our assessment that I had missed. He had wanted to recognize me for my grade on the assessment! He wouldn't do it without my permission, though. Even though it didn't end up happening, just knowing that he wanted to give me kudos for a job well done  made me feel great! That was almost as good as the entire class knowing I had aced the exam. 

Taking calls - That was an experience. Each day brought a little more confidence while holding it's own challenges. I can't really share my stories about work, but let's just say the first day brought a frustrating, at the time, story that was filled with confusion. By Day 2 of taking calls, I was ready for this customer to return though, because no matter how frustrating he was, it didn't compare to the frustration of Day 2's frustrating customer. I am still new and in some ways I am struggling. They do not want us telling our customers that we are new because they instills a lack of confidence in them, in us, right off the bat. Well, I was struggling with this customer and trying to seek information/help for her. By the time I got the info the customer needed, the customer refused the info and told me they would be contacting corporate about me. Since I am still in training, I am not super worried about it (which is huge for me because I have anxiety about everything) but it was very frustrating none the less. Not just their reaction, but the whole process. I am hoping, and believing, that as time goes on, it will get easier. Hopefully, I get to stick around that long. All in all, most of my customers were understanding when things took time. My trainer was very understanding when I needed extra help so that was reassuring. 

Week 5 (and beyond)- Thus coming week will be more OJT (on the job training - taking calls) before we go back to the class room for addition training for the rest of the systems we need to learn. After that we will have another week or two of OJT. Then we will be out of training. 

I guess that is the update for this week. I am hoping for a good week this week! 

Work - Week 3 Completed

 Another week has come and gone. Tomorrow starts a new one. I am starting to feel more confidence in what I am doing. There have been times when I text John "I'm not sure whether it was a stupid choice or not on my part, but we just had an exam and I didn't look anything up." Most of the time, that worked to my advantage. I am remembering things, terms, steps, etc. We had one day where we had 6 quizzes, KCs, etc. I passed the first four with 100% accuracy. Then, on the last two, I started second guessing myself and missed one question on both of them. I still passed, but I was really hard on myself because of that. 

This week, we took our 3rd assessment. The assessments are our BIG (will get you fired if you don't pass with 80% or greater) exam that we have at the end of each module. It was my highest score yet. I passed with a 95%!! Of the people that I message/text individually, there are 4, I always hear things like "Great job! I knew you could do it!" I am grateful for those people, because even after getting all of those 100s, I still question my ability to do this job, to pass these exams, whether I am smart enough. I work myself into a frenzy each week, with each exam (especially the assessments). We have 3 hours long to complete these. I usually have some time left after I complete the exam and I set there fretting over whether I will pass it or not. It takes a big toll on my mental health. 

This job is taking a big toll on my mental health as I live in that "perfect" spot nestled between complete trust in God and unabandoned fear! God is bringing me to a place where He is giving me no other choice but to rely fully on Him. Surrender isn't easy for me! Confidence isn't easy for me. I am so afraid if I am confident in my own abilities (even with the aid of God's strength) that I will fall flat on my face. He has never failed me in all of my 43 years. That isn't to say that I haven't failed at some things - far from it. But HE hasn't failed me! That is the difference. I am trying to trust that HIS will is going to be done. 

This past week, I finally picked my Bible study back up. I am going through Angie Smith's Chasing God book. I am learning so much from it. It is actually the opposite of what it says. It teaches us overachievers that "chasing" God isn't necessary. It is more about surrendering to Him. At least, that is what I have gotten from it so far. I am only a few lessons in. I hate that it took me so long to pick it back up, but I also firmly believe I wasn't supposed to be reading it until now. I do not believe I would have understood it the way I do if I tried to continue reading it a few weeks ago. I have also started reading "Healing Your Inner Child" again. This is a book that my therapist recommended. I read a couple chapters when my therapist went on vacation. It is a very heavy, uncomfortable read with a lot to unpack. I just couldn't/wouldn't finish it before now. I promised myself when I picked it back up that I wouldn't make myself read it every day. That I would take it at a pace that would really let it sink in and I would process my emotions as I went. That has helped a lot. I only read a couple chapters this week. That seems like a good pace for me given everything else I have on my plate. As I feel like I can add more, I will, But I still want to take the time to process what I am reading to. It is one of those reads that if you rush through it, you will miss the point. 

Yesterday was date day. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. John is having some health issues right now so our date consisted of lunch, a trip to Walmart and chilling at home. When we got to lunch, I got a headache that would not relent. I dealt with it all day. Finally, around 3 AM, I woke up to a full blown migraine. I took my migraine meds for it, but it didn't go away. I woke up with it. Then, I got the "weird fuzzy headed" feeling. That is always (read: NEVER) fun! Thankfully, it is noon as I write this and it's pretty much gone. 

I guess that is about all for this update. Here's to hoping this coming week will be a good one, too! 

Work - Week 2 Completed

 This week, while it still held its challenges, was MUCH better than last week. I went into the week with a completely different mindset. I had therapy midweek. That helped A TON! My therapist made me realize all of the unnecessary expectations I had put on myself. Yes, I need to do my best, but if I do my best and it still isn't enough, then there are other jobs out there. In the end, God has this and He will take care of me. There was a BIG shift after that. 

This week I didn't feel like I was drowning as much - in life, or at work. Don't get me wrong. Life is still life. Some days and moments, it still has me by the throat as though it is determined to choke the very life out of me, but it hasn't succeeded so far. I am taking my wins as they come! Work, I had some wins this week. We have several check points at work (exams if you will). They are divided into categories: Knowledge Checks - These do not count toward anything. If we rock them, Yay! If we don't, yay! These just show our trainer what he needs to focus on to get us ready for our Assessments. Quizzes - I do not remember if these count or not. Assessments - These are major exams. There are six of these. (We must pass these with 80% or greater!) If we fail one, we get a final written warning. If we fail a second one, we get fired. These are obviously taken very seriously. They stress me out VERY much! At the end of the training course, we will have a FINAL - We have to pass that one, too, obviously or we will lose our job. Training is intense and these testing requirements are very intense as well. I am not a great test taker. I have high test anxiety. 

So far we have had two assessments. The first one I scored 91 on, the second 92. I am doing fine. However, the moment I take a second to breathe after an assessment (or any of the above tests) I immediately go into freak out mode about the next one. 

I did have one day where we took six different exams, (it was a combo of KCs and quizzes) I got 100s on 4 of them. Then I started second guessing myself and missed one question on the last two exams. I got so mad at myself because of that. 

All in all it has been a good week, though. It had its stressful moments, but it's been a good week. My next big stressor is that we have a mid training OJT week where we will be taking LIVE calls. We will actually be the rep handling service calls. It won't be this week (thank God!) but I am stressed. I do not feel like I am ready for that yet. They will put us in a special que where we will only be taking certain types of calls (the ones we've been trained on so far), but actually helping REAL people is scary. Not to mention we will have supervisors listening in on every little detail we do grading our calls. That scares me to. I know our calls will always be graded, but knowing that they will be listening to every single call, every single time. It makes me want to do well, but also makes me freak out too. It's like when you have a cop following you. Of course you do your best, but sometimes it stresses you out to the point you make mistakes just because you are trying to do so well. Any way, after that week, we will go back into the classroom for 3ish more weeks for more training and then will have another week of OJT before we are released to be on our own. I guess the theme of this summer is "Do Hard Things!"

Work - Starting Week Two

I am determined that this week will be better than the last. Will that relieve this week of its challenges? No, but hopefully, this mindset changes the way I handle it. Even if it changes it just a little bit for the better! I am going to do my best to remember that God is with me come what may. That the will of God won't lead me where the grace of God can't keep me. That I will not take one step where He hasn't gone before me. All the while remembering that the weight of the world doesn't fall squarely on my shoulders. That the only thing I can do is my best (and I must do the best I can) but after that, it is in God's hands and whatever the outcome must be His will and I have to be willing to accept that. Success or failure, HE IS STILL GOD. No matter the challenges I face this week, He will not be dethroned! He will not be up there scratching His head, wondering or worrying, "Oh no! How am I going to fix this? How can I help her? What will I/we/she do now?!" I must remember that even if what I consider the worst outcome happens, HE has a better plan for me.

(Random/not so random thoughts I am having this morning that I can look back on to carry me through this week. Maybe they can help someone else. Maybe not. I don't know.)

Work - Week One Completed

 Week One is completed and not a moment too soon. This week through everything it had at me at work and in life in general. There were moments that I thought I wouldn't survive it but by the grace of God I did. 

Work - work is much harder than I thought it would be. There is so much to do. There is so much to remember. It is very stressful. I am struggling so bad to remember everything I am supposed to. I am taking notes, but even then, I am still struggling. I know a lot of it is the stress that is making my brain freeze up, but in the end the reasoning doesn't matter. I have a huge test to take at the end of each Module and if I do not pass that test with an 80% or greater I can/will lose my job. We have one grace. The first time we get a final written warning. The second time of a lower grade we lose our job. That has caused me to be in freak out mode the whole time. I passed my first assessment with a 91. I allowed myself a moment to breathe. Most people would say "Oh, that's great. I really do have this. Everything is going to be ok!" No, my brain doesn't work that way. I immediately went back into freak out mode again. I struggled so much with the assessment. The things that caused me to lose points on this assessment were pretty key points so I have got to get those figured out before the next one or I could potentially fail the next one. 

Life - While I will not get into everything going on in life right now. Life with ape crazy this week in a few key places that were impossible to ignore. Thankfully, I had a mid-week appointment already scheduled with my therapist for this week so she was able to help me get through the work stress and life challenges. She helped me to see that while I really want this job to work out, if it doesn't, the world will not fall down around me. There are other jobs out there. I can only try my best and be willing to accept whatever happens from there. Good in theory, harder to put into practice, but I am trying. She is right, though. 

Another blow to this week, we got Chewy's cremains back. That was hard. It just made everything completely final. 

Yesterday, the kids went to their aunt's house. John and I spent the day together. We try to spend Saturday's as Date Days. Even if we just do something at home because the kids are here, we try to be intentional about taking a few hours to spend together sowing into our relationship and each other. It is important. You cannot pour from a dry well.  You have to take time to care for yourself and you have to take time to take care of your spouse/relationship. You just do! We spent many years doing the bare minimum for ourselves and each other and trust me when I say, YOU CANNOT POUR FROM A DRY WELL! 

I think I am ready to face this next week. Ok, not really. I am scared, but I am as prepared as I can be. I am going to church this morning. Then I will take some time to mentally rest this afternoon before I get back at things tomorrow. This is going to be a better week. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. - Proverbs 18:21 NKJV

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

 I do not know how vague or forthcoming I will be in my blogs for the next couple months. Some of them may be very vague while others will be very transparent. I will ask that, if you follow me here and know me on facebook, please show me the respect of not posting anything there until I do. 

Life, she is a-changin'. I am not going to go into all the reasons why. I will say that after being a stay at home wife and mom for over twenty years (besides a short stent at Walmart a couple years ago), I am going back to work. It is just time. Life is shifting. John and I will be sharing the trio's school responsibilities so that part of our lives will not change. 

In late spring, we started praying about me going back to work. We both had some requirements and some desires from a position should God bless me with a job. 1) I wanted something I could do from home. When I had my short stint at Walmart, I felt like I never saw my family because I felt like all I did was work and sleep. 2) I wanted weekends off if possible. John, while he works two jobs, has the weekend off from his main job. 3) I wanted a shift that was close to his main job's shift. This way I would be off for appointments and such in the mornings. I would be able to get stuff done since I wouldn't have a weekend day off. There were a few other "wants" but these were the big ones. The big thing was, I wanted God to place me where HE wanted me. 

I started applying for positions in late May. I applied at over 50 places. I had a few interviews. Globe Life wanted me to sell insurance for them. I had a couple companies that decided I didn't have enough experience after interviewing for them. Then, I finally got hired with company A. Company A was the first company that showed real interest in me. It was going to be a telemarketing position where I would be doing political fundraising calls. I didn't have peace about it, but I accepted it because it was a job. My thought process was that I would stay there until I built up some experience and then move on to another company. The problem with this position was, other than the obvious, I have medical problems. The position was 9a-5:30PM *I think*. Each doctor's appointment I had, I would have to schedule time off from work because I wouldn't be able to get to the doctor and get to work before I was to clock in. There was no PTO offered, etc. Still, my plan was to make the best of it. I was supposed to start training for company A this past Monday (7/6).

Then, I got a call for an interview from Company B. I interviewed with them on 7/1. I was sure that I wasn't going to get the position. I had two interviews with them. The first interview was with a lady who went over the position and asked some "interview- tell me a time when... questions" She had some technical issues so a 20 minute interview ended up lasting over an hour. There were two other ladies interviewing at the same time (online). She asked me to stay after the interview. She wanted to know if I thought I would be a good fit for their company since I didn't have any call center experience. I started to freak out because I was already sure I had screwed up the interview at this point. I had gotten tips from a couple people, but instead of using those tips, I went in and was just myself. I told her that I knew that I didn't have the experience another person may have but that I would give it my all and work hard for their company if given the chance. She scheduled a second interview. The second interview was just over an hour later with a gentleman. He went over more details about the company and the position. He wanted to know if I could be a self starter. A lot of my examples were from being a mom to 5 kids. I also told him I was an introvert and I did well in settings where I had to motivate myself. He admitted that he was a fellow introvert so he was excited about that. Again, I spent this interview feeling like I wouldn't get the job, but GOD (and I give Him all the praise!) At the end of the interview, the gentleman told me he wanted to offer me the position. Company B, has PTO, Holidays, benefits, etc. The pay is a bit less than company A, but not by much. Company B seems like a better fit though. My list from earlier? Company B? It meets every single one of those boxes. It's a work from home position. Weekends off. John and I work the exact same schedule. They are also supplying me with the equipment I need to work - something Company A didn't do. I had to supply everything (computer, headset, etc.)  For those wondering, yes I did write Company A and decline the position when I accepted the other position. I felt bad, but I wanted an opportunity where I could grow with the company and I couldn't get that from Company A. 

There has been much stress with me going back to work and I haven't even started yet. I feel like I am not qualified for this job. Obviously, they are going to train me. There is 8 weeks of training. There are tests I have to pass or I do not get to keep the position. That is scary and reassuring at the same time. They said they do everything they can to help us pass the tests short of taking the tests for us. They want to see us succeed. I have a very low self-esteem so it has been an emotional rollercoaster. I am scared of failing. Those closest to me who know what has been going on have listened to me endlessly. I am so grateful for those people. Eventually, this news may become public, but I want to try to make it through the 8 weeks of training first. I keep telling myself that the only thing that will truly relieve this stress is surviving milestones. If I make it through Orientation, my first day...first week, pass my first test...get my first pay check... pass the next test... (there are six of them)... When I am not overwhelmed with stress I know that this is a blessing from God and if He has provided, HE will see me through. It doesn't mean I don't need to do my part. It DOES mean that He won't leave me. 

I would ask that if you see this that you pray for me, but most likely, if you are seeing this, the time has already passed so I made it through this first phase. Prayers are always good, though sooooo... 😉

First Official Day of Work

So today was supposed to be my first official day of work.  Thankfully, everything didn't get switched over though.  This morning before I called my boss, I was talking to John about call-forwarding.  He informed me that I was incorrect in an assumption I made.  This led to an hour conference call with my boss and we are going to get a seperate line to use for the business.  Hopefully, in a couple days everything will be live.  I am so thankful that God worked things out so that John could be home just a little longer.  It was nice to be able to have the uninterrupted phone call with my boss.  He even attempted to give me a small break tonight.  It didn't work out quite like we'd planned, but it was truly the thought that counts in this situation. 


This morning while on the phone, I had one of those "you know you're a mama when..." I was locked in my bedroom and couldn't find a pen so I was taking notes with Crayola crayons. Yes, this is definitely a new chapter in my life. 


The evening has been pretty good too.  We had an issue with dinner where one of my children decided that dinner time was playtime.  He didn't believe Mama when she said "If you get up again, your plate won't be here when you return."  Needless to say, he's not very happy with me.  Hopefully, he will learn to sit at the table next time. 


I will leave you with this thought.  A question I posed to friends on facebook earlier and I'd like you to weigh in, too.  Once trust is broken, is it possible to ever fully restore that trust?  What do you think?


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

A Good Weekend

This has been a pretty good weekend.  Yesterday we celebrated Sam's birthday (a week late) with family.  He had a wonderful time. Mrs. Cheryl waited on us at Chili's.  She is such a precious lady and we love her to death.  She is so patient and kind with my kids.  I will say it again - the quickest way to move this mama is the way you treat my kids.  If you are kind then you won't find a better friend, but NO ONE wants to awaken Mama Bear!


I've been to the gym 4 times this week.  TB is kicking my tail, though.  My first day back at the gym, I completed an hour of TB.  The days since then have been 30 minute days due to time constraints.  Yesterday, I squeezed in a trip to the gym before going to Sam's party so I was very proud of myself.  I love my quiet, uninterrupted showers.  They are so nice.


Today, the kids and I stayed home from church because Liana wasn't feeling well.  Sam said he wanted to play with the babies.  While he did that Landon and I cleaned house.  We moved furniture, swept and organized everything in the living room. We also completed my room, the girls room and worked on the bathroom.  Landon's reward for being such a sweet helper was a lunch date with Mama.  We had a great time and even ran into our former Pastor.  It was nice seeing him and his family. 


Tomorrow is my first day of work.  I am so excited, but I feel so unprepared.  I feel like I will mess something up.  I know my boss is only a phone call away, though.  I shared my heart with John this afternoon about my nervousness.  He took the time to stop and pray with me.  That may sound like no big deal to most, but I couldn't tell you the last time that happened.  Something so simple made my day. 


Life is changing so much that you'd think I wouldn't have time to stop and think about anything.  I wish that were true.  I can't seem to get my mind off Dad, though.  I miss him so much.  I can't wait to see him again.  John tells me all the time that he can't wait to meet Dad and B.  I have told him so many stories about my phone conversations with B that I am sure he feels like he knows her already.  I am thankful that he understands the need for me to take this slowly, though.  He gets frustrated when he sees me longing to see Dad so, but he is trying to respect the decisions I have made. 


Today, John got the phone call telling him he was officially hired for the company he applied for. He found out on Friday that he had the job, but this was the official seal of approval.  It came with a couple emails with all of his pre-employment paperwork and info for his drug screen which he will take tomorrow.  My time with him is slipping away.  He has been working part time for 9 months now.  While the additional income will be nice, I will miss him being here all the time.  Now don't get me wrong, I am glad he'll be out of the house more.  I have one more month before he starts work, though.  I am going to make it count.  My "honey-do" list is getting longer. ;-)


Well most of my kids are already asleep.  I am going to take the time to read some of my book and enjoy the quietness of my house before my husband comes home. 


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

As If My Life Wasn't Crazy Enough

So Friday evening my cell phone rings and it's my landlord.  We have a wonderful relationship with this man.  We have come to know and love him like family.  I have known him six years.  John has known him a bit longer though.  I remember the Christmas our heat went out and he spent Christmas morning crawling up under my house (his house, but we rent it) when he should've been spending time with his family.  That morning I shared some of my testimony with him and it really changed both of our lives.  This man is the man who helped guide us toward our journey to become foster parents.  I will forever be thankful for him every time I look into the eyes of my children.  


Anyway, I am getting off topic.  He called me Friday and he started sharing about how he is looking to cut back his hours at work and he shares some more things with me.  For the first ten minutes or so I was beginning to wonder if he realized he'd called me and not someone else.  He finally tells me he's hired someone to help take over the "grunt" work of the business but needs someone to run the business.  Since John as been looking for a job I assumed he was going to offer the position to him.  Then he tells me how much he trusts and respects me and would like to offer me the position.  After I managed to pick my jaw off the front porch, we talked a bit more.  He asked me to pray about it and said the position would be waiting on me when I was ready to give him my answer. 


I prayed all weekend, but knew from the moment I hung up that I would take the position.  I will have a home office.  I can work and still take care of my kids.  This job works around my schedule.  Thanks to technology, I can take my job with me anywhere I go.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't scary.  I am moving into a position I have never been in before.  Taking on more responsibility, which means more chaos.    So as if my life wasn't crazy enough now I am the work-at-home-homeschooling-mom to 12 precious children! 


Have you ever had one of those moments when God gave you something that you didn't even know you needed/wanted?  This was definitely one of those God things!  I am thankful that God is always watching out for me.  As the McKamey's say "Look ahead! Here comes Jesus right on time!"


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama