Bad Days, Depression and Other Ramblings

I have been blessed to have some really good days lately. There have been some really bad struggles, but all in all it had been good.  Almost two weeks ago  my wallet, including a tidy sum of cash, was stolen from Wal-mart while we were shopping. I freaked out at first. I quickly realized it was one of those situations where I just had to trust God. I had no other choice. My brother suggested starting a gofundme account. While all of the money didn't get replaced, I am pleased to say, thanks to my generous friends and family, that we recovered almost half of what was taken. I was fully experiencing the feeling of being held in the arms of Jesus. Until...

For people who suffer from depression, you can feel really good one day/moment and the next is something completely different. This morning was a perfect example of that. I woke up this morning wanting to do nothing other than get out of the house for a bit. John had things he needed to do, though so I stayed. Once he had completed what he needed to do, he offered me a few minutes out of the house before he had to leave for work, but I chose to stay home. 

There are so many things going through my mind and my heart today that it is just weighing on me. Some of the things are things I can control/fix and others are completely out of my control, but plague me nonetheless. So I sit here just doing my best to fight off the feelings of the impending panic attack my body seems intent on having and counting down the hours until I can unwind with a bit of tv before I go to sleep. 

Mama

When You Lose Your Joy

The last few years have been so full of ups and downs for me. Spring of 2008 we received the boys into our arms and hearts.  It was during this time of happiness six years ago that I lost Mom. She died just three days after Christmas. She was my best friend and it shook me to the very core. In the midst of grieving we welcomed Jewel-Anne (Spring 2009). Spring of 2010 we welcomed Liana and Isaiah. There has been plenty of happiness to go around. This year we are celebrating the homecoming of my husband. I have so many reasons to celebrate, but my heart still hurts. 

All of the things (not people) I love about my life no longer fill me like they used to. I am burnt out in so many ways and I don't know how to fix it. A few months ago I started counseling and it's helped, but I still feel so empty inside. My kids, while not perfect, are precious kids. My marriage is better than it's ever been. So why do I feel like this? 

What do you do when you lose your joy? I have been trying to seek God, but it's like He's hidden His face from me. I try to fill my life with things that would help me get out of this rut that I'm in, but nothing works. John has been awesome through all of this. He'll hold me and let me cry when I need to. He's trying to make sure I have more time out of the house so I can recharge. Nothing works. 

If I could have one thing for Christmas, it would be to reclaim my joy. To be able to enjoy life and embrace every moment with open arms instead of feeling panic and dread. For Christmas, I just want to be whole again. I feel so lost. 

Mama

A New Diagnosis

Oh the changes over the last 4 months.  This year started out so promising.  We had insurance.  We were going to try to have a baby.  Things were really looking up.  Then, we got bad news from the doctor.  He wouldn't even try to help us conceive.  My PCP tried to help us and that ended abruptly when I had a reaction to the birth control pills to try to regulate my period.  From there it just went crazy.  I spent most of January either in the doctor's office or the ER.  The doctor thought I had a heart problem.  That turned into the thought that I had GERD.  The ER had already ruled out any lung issues.  Finally, after 4 months they have decided to treat me for anxiety issues.  The doctor called in some meds that I started yesterday.  So far I am not liking the side effects.  Yesterday, I spent most of the day feeling like my head was in the clouds.  I called the pharmacist that confirmed my side effects were normal.  Today, I woke up so weepy.  I couldn't look at anyone or start talking without crying like crazy.  I finally ended up having an asthma attack before all was said and done. I know it will take a while for the medicine to take effect so we have to wait it out.


Life has been the same for so long I didn't think there was any way I could possibly have anxiety issues.  It made no sense why everything came on all at once either.  I guess my body had just had enough stress.  This has been difficult to swallow.  Aunt Flossie took "nerve pills" but I never new exactly what they were for.  Mom had some issues with depression and anxiety and was treated for it.  I am not sure why this diagnosis was so hard for me to swallow.  I just feel like I am broken person.  I have this whole list of things that made this so hard to accept.  I have many friends who struggle with emotional issues and I don't think less of them at all.  I have always been more critical on myself than I am others, though. There is so much swirling through my head, but I am just not ready to put it on paper.  I have always forced myself to be honest on this blog.  It was my way to hold myself accountable.  So I have written this entry to do just that.


I want to thank those who have prayed for me, for those who are in my inner circle and given me support, to those who have been my sounding board and those who are always there when I need you.  I appreciate it more than you will ever know.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama