Accountability

Clumsy 
By Chris Rice

You'd think I'd have it right by now

Been practicing for thirty years

I should've walked a thousand miles

So what am I still doing here

Reaching out for that same ole piece of forbidden fruit

I slip and fall and I knock my halo lose

Somebody tell me what's a boy supposed to do

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

I'm gonna get it right this time

I'll be strong and I'll make You proud

I've prayed that prayer a thousand times

And the rooster crows and my tears roll down again

But You remind me You made me from the dust

And I can never, no never be good enough

And that You're not gonna let that come between us.

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

From where I stand Your holiness is up so high

I could never reach it.

My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah


I have been half-heartedly trying for the past 6 months to get the passion back that I felt for this journey in the beginning.  Once the newness wore off it was harder and harder.  Trouble set in and life got in the way.  Now here I am.  I am determined that things are going to change, though.  I have said that a lot for the last couple months.


God has been dealing with me a lot lately about where my heart is.  Our new church has been challenging me a lot about where I am in my life.  My heart, my priorities, my life - none of these are in the right place right now.  When Mom died, I became so hardened to life.  She was the one thing in my life that was always there and now she was gone.  Here I was, in the midst of a troubled marriage, with two little beings who depended on me for everything and my entire existence was changed.  All my life I was someone's care taker.  When I was young, I always worried about Mama.  I was Mother Hen to all of the kids around me. When I was in youth group I was the one the kids came to for gum or candy. I worked in the nursery.  I just have a heart to take care of people.  Who takes care of you when you're too busy taking care of everyone else?


My spiritual life has suffered.  "I don't have the time" has become an excuse I use quite often.  I am supposed to lead my kids in the way of God but how can I do that if I am not following Him like I should?  How can He replenish my spiritual fuel tank, if I am not plugged into Him?  My priorities are all messed up.  I am rarely home in the evenings because I leave almost as soon as John gets home.  I have hid from my life long enough.  Now it is time to do things the right way.  Surrender isn't something I do easily.  I don't think any human naturally surrenders.  God gave us free will and a spirit that wants to fight for what's right.  The problem comes when we stop looking to God to tell us what is right and start looking toward others and our own human nature.


But what would happen if I trusted the One who knows me best because He created me and knows the desires of my heart far better than I ever will?  What would happen if I gave him everything?  What would He do if I stayed on the altar and stopped jumping off The Potter's Wheel?  How would my life change if I live with total abandon for what others think?  If I stopped putting human desires above God's will for my life?  What would happen if I lived with wreckless abandon and became totally sold out for Christ?  As a teenager I knew what that picture looked like.  I don't believe it would look the same as it would if I did it right now.  I cannot go live in the mission field. I am not in a place right now to open a house for unwed mothers wanting to give their babies up for adoption.  What would this picture look like right now?  Fear of the unknown is what keeps me frozen right where I am.  Fear is what keeps me from doing what God wants me to.  Fear is what keeps me from living and doing what God has called me to.  Fear is Satan's vehicle used to keep me from reaching God's potential for my life.  The sad thing is that I handed him the keys and told him to lead me and I'd follow.  (Ouch!  That sounds horrible for a Christian to admit, but it's the truth.)


I want my life to be an example of Christ.  I want to be someone who finds her self-worth in Christ and not other people's opinions or things.  I want my kids to grow up with a clear sense of who they are in Christ and that will only happen if they are taught the right way.


I wrote this to keep me accountable.  I need a spiritual parent/friend/etc to keep me accountable for where I am.  I need someone who constantly challenges me to be God's best for me.  I ask that you pray for me to be.  Please pray that I will step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to be surrounded by the people that God will place in my life help encourage me.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. - Galatians 6:9 NKJV



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

When Love Takes You In

When Love Takes You In - Steven Curtis Chapman

I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in



I cannot believe that the wild and crazy ride the last two months have sent me on.  There are times I still have to remind myself that all of this is real.  It's been two months since I watched the movie October Baby for the first time. It can't come to DVD soon enough, by the way.  It's been two months since I found all of Dad's family on Facebook. And two months since I made that intial contact to my brother.  I still haven't heard anymore from him since he confirmed that he was Dad's son, but maybe one day I will. 


It's been about six weeks since I made the very first phone call to Dad. It took a few phone calls before I actually got to speak with him. I have hung on every conversation since then.

It's been exactly one week since I went down the road in my van trying to convince myself of all the reasons I SHOULDN'T be doing this.  I finally arrived at my destination and spent the next hour trying to calm myself down.  Then he walked out of his car. In an instant my whole world changed.  I knew my life would change, but I never expected it to change like this. I still haven't been able to contact him again.  He works on the farm a lot when he's not at his job.  I have had several conversations with the women in his life.  It is so interesting to find out so much about him. 


It is so hard to believe that this whirlwind of a week is coming to a close. I am still in awe of God's mercies and his timing. By all accounts none of this should've happened. Finding him was a huge long shot, one that I had been searching for endlessly without result. Dad has health problems that should've kept this dream of mine from ever becoming reality. Finding him was the "easy" part. Then there is all the heart issues to consider for 7+ people. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 NKJV

Through the years I have spent a lot of time dreaming about what would happen when this time came.  Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine things turning out so well.  I am very excited to see what the future holds.  I look forward to growing closer and getting to know each other. 

I love you, Dad.  I am so thankful that God chose you to be my Dad.  I am thankful that after all these years that you welcomed me into your life. You will never know how much I missed you all those years or the healing that has taken place in my heart since then.






Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

Hello Fear

Hello Fear by Kirk Franklin

Hello Fear
Before you sit down there's something I need to explain
Since you're here
I think I should tell you since we last talked things have changed
See I'm tired of being broken-hearted
So I made a list and you're on it
All my hopes and my dreams You took from me
I want those back before you leave

Hello Fear
I knew I would see you, You have a hard time letting go
See these tears,Take a good look cuz, soon they wont fall anymore
God's healing my hurful places
That seat that was yours now is taken
I'm no longer afraid,See I'm better this way
And one more thing before you leave

(Chorus)
Never again will I love you
My heart it refuses to be your home
No longer your prisoner
Today I remember
Apart from you is where I belong

And never again will I trust you
I'm tired of fighting it's been way too long
No longer your prisoner
Today I remember
Who I was and now it's gone
They're gone
Hello Fear
Da da da da da, da da da da da

Farewell Goodbye So long (3X)

Hello Grace
It feels like forever, I thought my chance with you was gone
See your face, it reminds me of mercy
And please let me say I was wrong
Never knew your touch was endless
How you never run dry of forgiveness
Didn't know how bad it was, was afraid just because
Sorry fear, grace took your place

CHORUS

Farewell Goodbye So long (8X)

Hello Fear
Before you sit down there's something I need to explain




This song has become one of my favorite work out songs. I am working my way to no more fear, but I'm not there yet. Today, I want to talk to you about some of my fears. In all honesty, fear is a lot of what kept me from becoming healthy before now.

THE FEAR OF BEING A NEW PERSON. Being the fat kid has always been who I am. Just like I am a wife and mama, I have allowed it to define me. People judge me based on the fact that I am overweight. I see the stares, hear the snide little comments, etc. What happens when I'm no longer the "fat kid" anymore? Believe it or not, I'm a very shy person. It's been easy to hide behind behind this mask. What happens when it's gone. What if they still don't like me? I would like to say that it won't matter, but as the song says "Everybody, everybody wants to be loved."

THE FEAR OF LOOKING DIFFERENT. I am a VERY large woman. My stretch marks could probably stretch for miles if they were were laid against one another. I know that I am not going to look like a super model when I'm done losing weight. I fear what I will look like in the mirror. I will have all of these nasty rolls skin. I won't be outwardly beautiful when I lose weight. I know this is nothing surgery can't fix, but still, there will be a time when I look in the mirror and will have a hard time seeing the woman who worked her behind off (literally) and still looks very unattractive. I am a very small chested woman. What if I lose what little I have there too?

THE FEAR OF DYING. What if I am too far gone? What if I lose all of this weight, get healthy and still have complications that will never be able to be reversed? What if I still die young and leave my children without a mama? I would like to say that I'm finally in the mindset that I am doing this for me, but in reality I'm still doing it for my kids so that I don't leave them as early as Mama did me.

THE FEAR OF FAILURE. What if this time ends up being just like the rest? What if I don't stick with it? What I give up? What if it is just like all the other times before? (For those reading, please don't worry..I'm not giving up. Turning back isn't an option for me, but these are the thoughts that plague my mind.)

THE FEAR OF SUCCEEDING So what if I don't fail? What if I don't die young? What if I am physically beautiful? I am committed to my husband and can't entertain the idea of ever cheating on him. Still, I know that this is an area Satan will use to attack me. Our marriage hasn't been the strongest. We have our share of problems, but we are working on them.

I am working really hard to face my fears, but each day has its own struggles. The only way I can face the challenges that lie ahead of me is with God's strength and grace. I know how vain I have sounded in this blog. I'm really not. My worst fear is becoming someone that I don't even like. Anyone who would say that the person I am on the inside won't change is very niave. I pray that every change I make, inside and out, is for the better. If it doesn't draw me closer to Christ then I am moving in the wrong direction.

God, please give me strength to face my fears and to become all that you want me to be. Help my openness reach someone who may be struggling as well. Use me, God. In Jesus Name, Amen.

This is the day which the LORD hath made ; we will rejoice and be glad in it. - Psalm 118:24

Be Blessed,

Weight Loss Mama