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I had this really long blog post (do I know how to do any other type) typed out and some how I lost it.
I am sitting here with a confession to make. I have really struggled the last few months. I gained some of my weight back, but now I am in the process of losing again. I had gained back up to 292 but I am currently 287 so that is good. That is what I will focus on. I am still losing. I stumbled, but I've picked back up again.
I really started struggling sometime between March and May. Life was pretty mild back in March, but when I seen the movie October Baby. All of the emotions that I had been suppressing for 28 years came flooding to the surface and I was an emotional mess. I created this emotional hell where I would meet this man who hated me even though he was supposed to love me. The flipside of this nightmare was that he would love me and everyone else would hate me. Even now I am still struggling to see where I fit into his life. He is a great man. It's all just really weird. This is only the tip of the iceberg with my stress though. Family, jobs, financies, and a host of other things plague my thoughts. It's a never ending movie that I cannot turn off.
So now I set here trying to navigate through all of this. I need to get back into a healthier routine. I looked back at my weight tracker today. I was sure I would be disappointed. A couple days before I met Dad I was at 304. Today I am at 287. I have lost 17 lbs in the last 4.5 months. It's not the greatest, but I will own it. I am proud I did that well. I have lost a couple pounds this week alone when I didn't think I would.
Last week, as part of my new routine, John made me go out each evening. I left when he got home and took some time to de-stress. I have been going to Waffle House. It's by far not the healthiest choice, but it is what I have been wanting. I have been taking a book and my new Bible Study by Beth Moore along with me. I set there for a couple hours and just enjoy the time I have away from everything. It is not as quiet as I could have if I went somewhere else, but the noise doesn't bother me too much. Even with me eating more carbs than I would like, I have still lost 2 lbs this week. That is pretty good for me.
For those of you keeping track, I am still housing this headache. This is INSANITY, but I am thankful for the days when the pain isn't as intense!
I ask for your prayers. I really need the strength right now. Thank you so much to those who have stuck by me and have been an encouragement to me. You are amazing.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Showing posts with label October Baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label October Baby. Show all posts
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
God Moved In Mighty Ways Today.
Last week I posted about Liana's accident and the staples she had gotten. They had to stay in for 7-10 days. I wanted to take her in Thursday, but John had to work. Something kept coming up every day. Last night I told John I would take her after church today. Well, that ended up not happening! God had other plans in store for us today. Let me tell you about them.
In order to share with you the amazing events of today, I must start with yesterday. I fell off the wagon. I forgot to take my meds. I had planned to run to Knoxville to go to Life Way to purchase the October Baby novel. By the way, the DVD comes out on Tuesday!!! On the way I stopped at Salsaritas to eat. It is my new guilty pleasure. I LOVE their food. They have some of the best tacos. I am trying to learn how to make healthy choices when I go there. However, I was given some wise advice in the beginning that I shouldn't make anything totally off limits because then it makes me want it that much more. I indulge cravings when I want them (within reason), but I try to eat as healthy as possible the rest of the time. On the way back home I stopped at Wal-mart to call my Dad and Bonus Mama. My house is always very loud so I try to make time to be out when I call them. It was 7:30 PM so I figured it would be a short call since we would both be getting up for church the next morning. We talked and talked and talked. Around 11:30 we finished our call and I was hungry so I stopped to get an order of hash browns at Waffle House. They were good.
It was nearly 1 AM when I went to sleep so imagine my surprise when I got up at 8 AM this morning. Apparently, John decided to get up with the kids. We were still planning on going to church, but I just couldn't get going in time. We decided to skip church and I would take Liana in early to get her staples out. When I took her last week we were there FOREVER so I assumed today would be the same. Around 9:30 AM the kids were playing in the girls room and I went to mine with the intentions of getting clothes out to shower. John came in and started talking to me. That was when God allowed me to witness something that changed my life forever.
A little back story. I didn't grow up in church per say. I read my Bible and home churched by myself a lot. I didn't start attending church regularly until my late teens. When I was young Mama usually worked Sundays. Aunt Flossie didn't drive so we watched The Mulls and TV preachers. As I got older Mom struggled with finding a church she liked so we home church with TV preachers. I went to church with neighbors occasionally, though. I was 16 when she found found our church via a TV program. I remember writing the church and asking them to pray for me about something. That lead to the church contacting us and we eventually started attending the church. I met a couple of friends who would give me rides to church when Mom didn't feel like going. I got involved in youth group and that's all there was no going back. Despite my lack of church attendance in the early years, I got saved at the age of 11. It was in April. We had planned on having me baptized on Mother's Day in my grandparents church. My grandmother passed away a couple weeks before that would happen and I didn't get baptized until August. Afterwards, I vowed that I would remain pure until marriage and I would only marry a Christian man.
Years passed and life got in the way of my commitments. Looking for love in all the wrong places lead to choices I will regret the rest of my life. God NEVER intended for sex to be outside of marriage. I have baggage that I still carry to this day. John and I both choose to learn from our mistakes now and are doing our best to raise our children to wait to even kiss. Two years later I met my husband. We met at church. I had talked to him a couple times before. My best friend set us up and we have been together ever since. What more could I ask for? I had a man that adored me, a Christian man...or so I thought. A few months ago, John shared with me that he wasn't saved. This crushed me. No one wants to think of something happening to their loved ones and not seeing them again when they get to Heaven. My oldest son tried to talk to Daddy about what God wants for our lives but he would always brush it off.
This morning setting on my bed and talking to my husband led to one of the greatest experiences of my life. I was able to lead my husband to Christ!! We prayed. I cried. We talked. I cried some more. We had a great time of fellowship. I am so thankful that God allowed me to be a part of this miracle. This is why we are here. There is no greater job for a wife and mother than to see to her family's spiritual needs. Please keep John in prayer as he grows in Christ. I pray God continues to give him wisdom and discernment as he becomes the spiritual leader for our family.
Afterwards, Liana and I got ready to leave. We had lunch and I stopped by the Dollar Tree to get her a coloring book because I was sure we'd be in the ER forever. It took us 20 minutes to shop. She picked out 4 things she wanted and we headed to the ER. We hadn't even got registered when they called us back to triage. They popped her staples out in triage and we were on our way. We shopped for distractions longer than we were in the hospital. LOL
In order to share with you the amazing events of today, I must start with yesterday. I fell off the wagon. I forgot to take my meds. I had planned to run to Knoxville to go to Life Way to purchase the October Baby novel. By the way, the DVD comes out on Tuesday!!! On the way I stopped at Salsaritas to eat. It is my new guilty pleasure. I LOVE their food. They have some of the best tacos. I am trying to learn how to make healthy choices when I go there. However, I was given some wise advice in the beginning that I shouldn't make anything totally off limits because then it makes me want it that much more. I indulge cravings when I want them (within reason), but I try to eat as healthy as possible the rest of the time. On the way back home I stopped at Wal-mart to call my Dad and Bonus Mama. My house is always very loud so I try to make time to be out when I call them. It was 7:30 PM so I figured it would be a short call since we would both be getting up for church the next morning. We talked and talked and talked. Around 11:30 we finished our call and I was hungry so I stopped to get an order of hash browns at Waffle House. They were good.
It was nearly 1 AM when I went to sleep so imagine my surprise when I got up at 8 AM this morning. Apparently, John decided to get up with the kids. We were still planning on going to church, but I just couldn't get going in time. We decided to skip church and I would take Liana in early to get her staples out. When I took her last week we were there FOREVER so I assumed today would be the same. Around 9:30 AM the kids were playing in the girls room and I went to mine with the intentions of getting clothes out to shower. John came in and started talking to me. That was when God allowed me to witness something that changed my life forever.
A little back story. I didn't grow up in church per say. I read my Bible and home churched by myself a lot. I didn't start attending church regularly until my late teens. When I was young Mama usually worked Sundays. Aunt Flossie didn't drive so we watched The Mulls and TV preachers. As I got older Mom struggled with finding a church she liked so we home church with TV preachers. I went to church with neighbors occasionally, though. I was 16 when she found found our church via a TV program. I remember writing the church and asking them to pray for me about something. That lead to the church contacting us and we eventually started attending the church. I met a couple of friends who would give me rides to church when Mom didn't feel like going. I got involved in youth group and that's all there was no going back. Despite my lack of church attendance in the early years, I got saved at the age of 11. It was in April. We had planned on having me baptized on Mother's Day in my grandparents church. My grandmother passed away a couple weeks before that would happen and I didn't get baptized until August. Afterwards, I vowed that I would remain pure until marriage and I would only marry a Christian man.
Years passed and life got in the way of my commitments. Looking for love in all the wrong places lead to choices I will regret the rest of my life. God NEVER intended for sex to be outside of marriage. I have baggage that I still carry to this day. John and I both choose to learn from our mistakes now and are doing our best to raise our children to wait to even kiss. Two years later I met my husband. We met at church. I had talked to him a couple times before. My best friend set us up and we have been together ever since. What more could I ask for? I had a man that adored me, a Christian man...or so I thought. A few months ago, John shared with me that he wasn't saved. This crushed me. No one wants to think of something happening to their loved ones and not seeing them again when they get to Heaven. My oldest son tried to talk to Daddy about what God wants for our lives but he would always brush it off.
This morning setting on my bed and talking to my husband led to one of the greatest experiences of my life. I was able to lead my husband to Christ!! We prayed. I cried. We talked. I cried some more. We had a great time of fellowship. I am so thankful that God allowed me to be a part of this miracle. This is why we are here. There is no greater job for a wife and mother than to see to her family's spiritual needs. Please keep John in prayer as he grows in Christ. I pray God continues to give him wisdom and discernment as he becomes the spiritual leader for our family.
Afterwards, Liana and I got ready to leave. We had lunch and I stopped by the Dollar Tree to get her a coloring book because I was sure we'd be in the ER forever. It took us 20 minutes to shop. She picked out 4 things she wanted and we headed to the ER. We hadn't even got registered when they called us back to triage. They popped her staples out in triage and we were on our way. We shopped for distractions longer than we were in the hospital. LOL
Monday, September 3, 2012
This Mama is TIRED!
Another month has come and gone. I bombed most of my goals for last month. I am pretty discouraged right now. I know this is just a low time for me, though. I will get back up and keep going.
This past week was a long, difficult one anyway. Tuesday, Landon had his appointment with the behavioral health nurse where we decided to try medication. He has done FABULOUSLY with the medicine. His dosage is just enough to help him curb his behaviors and not make him spaced out. We have been talking a lot about how good behavior is a choice he must make, though. We met with his pediatrician to get a referral for speech therapy. We left with that referral plus an appt with an ENT for an overall check up and to have an audiology work up.
Just when Mama thought she was going to get to rest, Liana decided that she needed a turn to have one-on-one time with Mama. We had some errands to run. Before we walked out the door I had fixed the little girls' hair. She and Sam were walking down the steps and she slipped. When she did she hit her head on the steps. All she said was "ouch!" There were no tears or anything so I didn't think anything of it. While we were gone they took their hair down so I sat down to brush their hair. I brushed Jewel-Anne's hair first. While I was brushing Liana's DARK hair, I noticed their was something stuck in it. She had just a small amount of dried blood stuck in her hair. Then I noticed the cut. It had been a little while since she fell and the site was still oozing a bit so we headed to the ER. Five hours later we made it out with two staples.
Today, I haven't felt quite right. I have been super tired all day long. I feel like I can barely keep my head up. This afternoon I laid down thinking I would take a nap. Liana wanted to lay with me so I turned on My Little Pony for her. She started to fall asleep so I made her wake up. If she'd napped then she wouldn't have slept tonight. I started to drift off into dream land (John was in another room with the others) so she starts yelling "Get up Mommy! Get up NOW!" Eventually, she decided to go play with everyone else. I napped for about 5 minutes before everyone decided Mama needed to get up.
Today was Mama's only day to rest. Landon has planned the rest of my week for me with a little help from his daddy. Tomorrow is Landon's ENT appointment. Wednesday is his speech therapy evaluation. Thursday, John works second shift. I am sure that Friday will find its own activity. Let's not forget that school has to fit in there too.
John starts his new job two weeks from today. I can't wait until we have insurance again. One of the first things I am going to do is have a full work up. I would love to know if there was a medical reason I feel so drained all the time. I'm not depressed or pregnant. I checked my blood sugar this afternoon to see if that was the reason I was so tired. It was 125 so that isn't it. My blood pressure is great.
On a more positive note - Thanks to the help of my Bonus Mom, I have been able to spend the last couple Sunday evenings watching their church on TV. I have set it up to record each week so I don't miss it. Last week I was blessed to hear one sister sing. This week I got to hear both of them sing. They have a wonderful Pastor. I have really enjoyed hearing his messages.
The whole situation is very bittersweet. I enjoy being a part of their service when I just can't be right now. At the same time, it makes me long for the day when I can join them for church. I also feel slightly guilty. I feel like I am invading their space or spying on them and they have no clue.
So that is my life in a nutshell right now. If anyone has any extra energy they want to send me, I would appreciate it. ;-) Oh, October Baby releases in 8 days! Make sure you stop and pick up your copy!!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
This past week was a long, difficult one anyway. Tuesday, Landon had his appointment with the behavioral health nurse where we decided to try medication. He has done FABULOUSLY with the medicine. His dosage is just enough to help him curb his behaviors and not make him spaced out. We have been talking a lot about how good behavior is a choice he must make, though. We met with his pediatrician to get a referral for speech therapy. We left with that referral plus an appt with an ENT for an overall check up and to have an audiology work up.
Just when Mama thought she was going to get to rest, Liana decided that she needed a turn to have one-on-one time with Mama. We had some errands to run. Before we walked out the door I had fixed the little girls' hair. She and Sam were walking down the steps and she slipped. When she did she hit her head on the steps. All she said was "ouch!" There were no tears or anything so I didn't think anything of it. While we were gone they took their hair down so I sat down to brush their hair. I brushed Jewel-Anne's hair first. While I was brushing Liana's DARK hair, I noticed their was something stuck in it. She had just a small amount of dried blood stuck in her hair. Then I noticed the cut. It had been a little while since she fell and the site was still oozing a bit so we headed to the ER. Five hours later we made it out with two staples.
Today, I haven't felt quite right. I have been super tired all day long. I feel like I can barely keep my head up. This afternoon I laid down thinking I would take a nap. Liana wanted to lay with me so I turned on My Little Pony for her. She started to fall asleep so I made her wake up. If she'd napped then she wouldn't have slept tonight. I started to drift off into dream land (John was in another room with the others) so she starts yelling "Get up Mommy! Get up NOW!" Eventually, she decided to go play with everyone else. I napped for about 5 minutes before everyone decided Mama needed to get up.
Today was Mama's only day to rest. Landon has planned the rest of my week for me with a little help from his daddy. Tomorrow is Landon's ENT appointment. Wednesday is his speech therapy evaluation. Thursday, John works second shift. I am sure that Friday will find its own activity. Let's not forget that school has to fit in there too.
John starts his new job two weeks from today. I can't wait until we have insurance again. One of the first things I am going to do is have a full work up. I would love to know if there was a medical reason I feel so drained all the time. I'm not depressed or pregnant. I checked my blood sugar this afternoon to see if that was the reason I was so tired. It was 125 so that isn't it. My blood pressure is great.
On a more positive note - Thanks to the help of my Bonus Mom, I have been able to spend the last couple Sunday evenings watching their church on TV. I have set it up to record each week so I don't miss it. Last week I was blessed to hear one sister sing. This week I got to hear both of them sing. They have a wonderful Pastor. I have really enjoyed hearing his messages.
The whole situation is very bittersweet. I enjoy being a part of their service when I just can't be right now. At the same time, it makes me long for the day when I can join them for church. I also feel slightly guilty. I feel like I am invading their space or spying on them and they have no clue.
So that is my life in a nutshell right now. If anyone has any extra energy they want to send me, I would appreciate it. ;-) Oh, October Baby releases in 8 days! Make sure you stop and pick up your copy!!
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Completing the October Baby Bible Study
This has been a really good day. I am very thankful for that. This morning I woke up to the sounds of Landon doing his chores. Unfortunately, he woke the rest of the house up with his cleaning. I'll take it, though!
I took this time to get out of bed and start my day. Landon earned WiiFit time so he did that while I read my Bible. Over the last month I have read more of my Bible than I ever have. While I am ashamed to admit that fact, I am proud of myself for finally digging in and getting into it. I always had a problem taking God's Word and applying most of it to my life. There are some things that are easy to make sense of (don't commit adultry, don't steal, etc). Others I am left asking "What did You mean for me to learn from this?" Then I ran across the passage that says "If any of you lacks wisdom..." (James 1:5) while reading through the book of James. Since then I always start by asking God to give me His wisdom so that I may read His Word through His eyes. There are still some things I struggle with understanding, but God is faithful and will provide the wisdom I seek.
When John got home from work, I caught a quick shower and went to my friend Stephanie's house to babysit my "bonus babies." These are the kids I get to love on, enjoy for a while, then return to their parents when the day is done. LOL In all seriousness, these kids are really special to me and I love them like my own children. I am so blessed by this family and they are part of my family as much as my own siblings. In my eyes, these kids are my nieces and nephews. I will love and protect them as I would my own kids. We had a great time. ZR decided that I needed to see all of her clothes! The boys were great, too. Unfortunately, shortly after I arrived it was lunch and nap time so we didn't get that much time together.
Wednesdays are shot days so I headed to Clinic after leaving Stephanie's. Thankfully, I got a good nurse so the shot didn't hurt at all. There is this one nurse there that makes me feel like I am dying every time she sticks me. There is one nurse there that makes the shots painless. The other ladies are good at their jobs and make sure the pain is minimal.
Tonight was sandwich night at our house. Everyone had their part in helping Mama prepare dinner, something Daddy does most of the time now. They had fun. After dinner we played for a while and Daddy went to church. Bedtime was fairly easy tonight, praise God!
This morning I also finished up my October Baby Bible Study. This was a four week study that has really challenged me in the way I view my life and those around me. It is so hard to believe how much this movie changed my life. I stand in awe of the fact that God knew, before I was even born, how much this movie would change my life. I am so thankful to the writers of the movie who followed God's call to make this film. I know that many lives have been changed and many more will be in the years to come. On a personal level it means so much to know that God would ochestrate all of this even if I was the only one who was ever impacted by the movie.
In thinking back over the last six months of my life, I am amazed with how much God has changed me. Finding my father seemed to be nothing more than a nice dream that would never come true. Even if it did come true, I was convinced it would be a nightmare. I was almost paralyzed by the fear that things would end badly because I was so afraid of taking that chance. I am so thankful God gave me the courage to push forward. Even if things had ended badly, at least I could have peace knowing I did all I could. Thankfully, that isn't the case. Things have been great with Dad. We have had many phone conversations and are looking forward to seeing each other again soon. These months have been filled with many difficulties and situations that were hard to face, but the blessings far outweigh the work that it's taken to get here.
It doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months since I first met Dad. In my life there was this missing piece and Dad fit the puzzle completely. As I type this it doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months. It seems like he's been a part of my life forever. That's not to say that there aren't challenges and days when I struggle (as I'm sure he does) with where we are. It's complicated, messy and very emotional, but it's worth it! I spent my entire life dreaming of the time when I could pick up the phone and call him. God carved my dreams of Dad out to be exactly what they needed to be to make this work. Forgiveness and healing have been gifted to me by my Heavenly Father to be extended to my earthly father. I continue to pray that his other kids will one day be willing to build a relationship with me as well. I know none of this is easy on them, either.
I will always be grateful to the creators of this movie for the part they played in my story. I don't know that I would've ever had the courage to contact my Dad. I am thankful that God brought my Dad home to me. I look forward to many years with this incredible man.
On September 11th, October Baby will be released on DVD. I highly recommend you purchase a copy of it for your family. Pastors, show this film in your churches. Buy extra copies and give them away. If it saves one life, it's worth it! Also, please join me in praying for these post abortive women. They need to know that there is forgiveness when they turn their lives over to God and repent. They need to know that God still loves them and that He is waiting with open arms to welcome them home.
Tonight as I close this entry, I will go to bed with a full heart. I am blessed beyond measure because of the life God has given me. I am in awe that He loves me so much.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
I took this time to get out of bed and start my day. Landon earned WiiFit time so he did that while I read my Bible. Over the last month I have read more of my Bible than I ever have. While I am ashamed to admit that fact, I am proud of myself for finally digging in and getting into it. I always had a problem taking God's Word and applying most of it to my life. There are some things that are easy to make sense of (don't commit adultry, don't steal, etc). Others I am left asking "What did You mean for me to learn from this?" Then I ran across the passage that says "If any of you lacks wisdom..." (James 1:5) while reading through the book of James. Since then I always start by asking God to give me His wisdom so that I may read His Word through His eyes. There are still some things I struggle with understanding, but God is faithful and will provide the wisdom I seek.
When John got home from work, I caught a quick shower and went to my friend Stephanie's house to babysit my "bonus babies." These are the kids I get to love on, enjoy for a while, then return to their parents when the day is done. LOL In all seriousness, these kids are really special to me and I love them like my own children. I am so blessed by this family and they are part of my family as much as my own siblings. In my eyes, these kids are my nieces and nephews. I will love and protect them as I would my own kids. We had a great time. ZR decided that I needed to see all of her clothes! The boys were great, too. Unfortunately, shortly after I arrived it was lunch and nap time so we didn't get that much time together.
Wednesdays are shot days so I headed to Clinic after leaving Stephanie's. Thankfully, I got a good nurse so the shot didn't hurt at all. There is this one nurse there that makes me feel like I am dying every time she sticks me. There is one nurse there that makes the shots painless. The other ladies are good at their jobs and make sure the pain is minimal.
Tonight was sandwich night at our house. Everyone had their part in helping Mama prepare dinner, something Daddy does most of the time now. They had fun. After dinner we played for a while and Daddy went to church. Bedtime was fairly easy tonight, praise God!
This morning I also finished up my October Baby Bible Study. This was a four week study that has really challenged me in the way I view my life and those around me. It is so hard to believe how much this movie changed my life. I stand in awe of the fact that God knew, before I was even born, how much this movie would change my life. I am so thankful to the writers of the movie who followed God's call to make this film. I know that many lives have been changed and many more will be in the years to come. On a personal level it means so much to know that God would ochestrate all of this even if I was the only one who was ever impacted by the movie.
In thinking back over the last six months of my life, I am amazed with how much God has changed me. Finding my father seemed to be nothing more than a nice dream that would never come true. Even if it did come true, I was convinced it would be a nightmare. I was almost paralyzed by the fear that things would end badly because I was so afraid of taking that chance. I am so thankful God gave me the courage to push forward. Even if things had ended badly, at least I could have peace knowing I did all I could. Thankfully, that isn't the case. Things have been great with Dad. We have had many phone conversations and are looking forward to seeing each other again soon. These months have been filled with many difficulties and situations that were hard to face, but the blessings far outweigh the work that it's taken to get here.
It doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months since I first met Dad. In my life there was this missing piece and Dad fit the puzzle completely. As I type this it doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months. It seems like he's been a part of my life forever. That's not to say that there aren't challenges and days when I struggle (as I'm sure he does) with where we are. It's complicated, messy and very emotional, but it's worth it! I spent my entire life dreaming of the time when I could pick up the phone and call him. God carved my dreams of Dad out to be exactly what they needed to be to make this work. Forgiveness and healing have been gifted to me by my Heavenly Father to be extended to my earthly father. I continue to pray that his other kids will one day be willing to build a relationship with me as well. I know none of this is easy on them, either.
I will always be grateful to the creators of this movie for the part they played in my story. I don't know that I would've ever had the courage to contact my Dad. I am thankful that God brought my Dad home to me. I look forward to many years with this incredible man.
On September 11th, October Baby will be released on DVD. I highly recommend you purchase a copy of it for your family. Pastors, show this film in your churches. Buy extra copies and give them away. If it saves one life, it's worth it! Also, please join me in praying for these post abortive women. They need to know that there is forgiveness when they turn their lives over to God and repent. They need to know that God still loves them and that He is waiting with open arms to welcome them home.
Tonight as I close this entry, I will go to bed with a full heart. I am blessed beyond measure because of the life God has given me. I am in awe that He loves me so much.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
Friday, March 23, 2012
Missing Pieces
This weekend the movie October Baby came out. I went to see it this afternoon. It's about this 19 year old girl who survived a failed abortion, was adopted by a Christian couple who never told her about her birth history. The movie centers around her finding out where she came from. It was a wonderful movie that I recommend to everyone! This movie was emotional because of what it was, but even more so because of my history. I wasn't adopted but I identify with her struggles a lot of finding where you belong.
I have never met my birth father. He's never been a part of my life. I have thought about finding him a few times over the years, but the timing was never right. The few details I have of my birth father aren't extremely helpful. I do know that he has 4 other children. I know that he worked at Brushy with mom; he is a security gaurd. I know his wife's name. Other than that, any details died with my mother.
I have so many fears where he is concerned. How can I find him? Will I ever find him? Will he like me? Will he ever love me? Does he ever think of me? Does he regret the choices he's made? How would one go about building a parent/child relationship after all this time? Will my siblings be accepting of me? He's getting older; will he die before I have the chance to meet him? If my dreams don't come true - if we meet and he doesn't love me (want me to be a part of his life) am I at a place where I can accept that?
There are so many things that I am now realizing I missed out on over the years. Issues that I struggle with because I didn't have an earthly father growing up. The importance of a father's role in his children, especially his daughters', lives should never be under-estimated.
Currently, I am sitting here as I watch my own babies sleep with a very heavy heart. I feel so paralized by the fear of the unknown that I don't know what to do next. "Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat and onto the crashing waves." I know that meeting the missing pieces of my life is part of this amazing journey, but it is so scary.
Please pray for me. If you have any advice then please send it my way.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
I have never met my birth father. He's never been a part of my life. I have thought about finding him a few times over the years, but the timing was never right. The few details I have of my birth father aren't extremely helpful. I do know that he has 4 other children. I know that he worked at Brushy with mom; he is a security gaurd. I know his wife's name. Other than that, any details died with my mother.
I have so many fears where he is concerned. How can I find him? Will I ever find him? Will he like me? Will he ever love me? Does he ever think of me? Does he regret the choices he's made? How would one go about building a parent/child relationship after all this time? Will my siblings be accepting of me? He's getting older; will he die before I have the chance to meet him? If my dreams don't come true - if we meet and he doesn't love me (want me to be a part of his life) am I at a place where I can accept that?
There are so many things that I am now realizing I missed out on over the years. Issues that I struggle with because I didn't have an earthly father growing up. The importance of a father's role in his children, especially his daughters', lives should never be under-estimated.
Currently, I am sitting here as I watch my own babies sleep with a very heavy heart. I feel so paralized by the fear of the unknown that I don't know what to do next. "Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat and onto the crashing waves." I know that meeting the missing pieces of my life is part of this amazing journey, but it is so scary.
Please pray for me. If you have any advice then please send it my way.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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