Missing Pieces

This weekend the movie October Baby came out. I went to see it this afternoon. It's about this 19 year old girl who survived a failed abortion, was adopted by a Christian couple who never told her about her birth history. The movie centers around her finding out where she came from. It was a wonderful movie that I recommend to everyone! This movie was emotional because of what it was, but even more so because of my history. I wasn't adopted but I identify with her struggles a lot of finding where you belong.

I have never met my birth father. He's never been a part of my life. I have thought about finding him a few times over the years, but the timing was never right. The few details I have of my birth father aren't extremely helpful. I do know that he has 4 other children. I know that he worked at Brushy with mom; he is a security gaurd. I know his wife's name. Other than that, any details died with my mother.

I have so many fears where he is concerned. How can I find him? Will I ever find him? Will he like me? Will he ever love me? Does he ever think of me? Does he regret the choices he's made? How would one go about building a parent/child relationship after all this time? Will my siblings be accepting of me? He's getting older; will he die before I have the chance to meet him? If my dreams don't come true - if we meet and he doesn't love me (want me to be a part of his life) am I at a place where I can accept that?

There are so many things that I am now realizing I missed out on over the years. Issues that I struggle with because I didn't have an earthly father growing up. The importance of a father's role in his children, especially his daughters', lives should never be under-estimated.

Currently, I am sitting here as I watch my own babies sleep with a very heavy heart. I feel so paralized by the fear of the unknown that I don't know what to do next. "Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat and onto the crashing waves." I know that meeting the missing pieces of my life is part of this amazing journey, but it is so scary.

Please pray for me. If you have any advice then please send it my way.

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama