It Wasn't Long Enough

Seven years ago, I went to see the movie October Baby. It is a movie about a young woman who finds out that she is the survivor of a failed abortion. She also finds out that she was adopted. A dear friend had recommended this movie to me because we are family created through adoption. She had no idea the impact that it would have on ME, though. You see, at twenty-eight years old, I had never met my biological father. I will stop at this point and say that I am not the survivor of an abortion, but a lot of the feelings that the main character (Hannah) feels, I too have felt. When I watched the movie the first time, I sat in the theater and cried. I wept through the entire movie. By the end of the movie, I vowed that I WOULD find my father this time. I had made the decision many times before, but I had chickened out. Fear is a very powerful thing. I couldn't handle the thought that he would reject me. I went home and searched for him. I finally found the info I needed to contact him. The first couple times I called, I didn't get an answer. I had almost let the fear I felt stop me from contacting him, but then God brought this song into my life. It is called "The Right Time." It is a love song about the artist's relationship with his wife, but the words resonated with me because of my relationship with my father. With tears once again flooding my shirt, I knew then and there that I couldn't allow the fear I had overtake me and keep me from doing what I had to do. I finally contacted him.

On May 20, 2012, I sat in an abandon parking lot waiting to meet my Dad for the first time. I have many character flaws, but one of them is that I have to be exceptionally early to any place I go. This day was no exception. I think I got there at least an hour before the time we agreed to meet. As I write this, I can still see and feel everything from that day. I was so scared. I had already told my husband that he was going to hate me (another character flaw - chronically low self-esteem) before I left the house. I prayed. I fought the urge to run. I fought the urge to puke. We repeated all of this until he finally showed up. Ok, there was no way I could run now. I got out of the van to everything I had dreamed about my entire life. I finally had my Daddy. We talked for a while. It was very awkward, but it was beautiful. I met his beautiful wife - the lady I would come to know as my Bonus Mama. I met one of my sisters. She was (is) also very beautiful. I gave him a photo album before I left that day. My sister took pictures of us. Before I left, he hugged me.

Monday night, December 23, 2019, I received a Facebook message from my sister telling me that Dad was in the hospital and he was in very bad shape. I told her I would be there first thing the next morning. I spent a lot of the next day (Christmas Eve) at the hospital. The news wasn't what any of us had hoped. We found out that his condition wasn't improving. They had to wait until the next day to do brain scans to confirm, but they were pretty sure that his brain would never recover (yes, I am dancing around that phrase because I cannot bring myself to say it.) The next day (Christmas Day) the scans were done. We met with the doctor who confirmed what we already knew. Our dad would never be coming back to us. Each of us took turns going in to say what we needed to before Dad would make his journey to Heaven. Dad made his journey to Heaven as his wife and I held his hands. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was something I will cherish forever. He wasn't there for my first breath, but I was there for his last.

Our relationship is something I will always cherish. He was a man of few words with me. We struggled to find our place in each others' lives. We exchanged many hugs over the next few years. There was so much I wish I had said to him. He never told me he loved me, but I said it many times. We never addressed the elephant in the room while he was here. I do not know his side of things.  I was so afraid to address the hard stuff for fear that he would shut me out. Now, the whys and what ifs of yesterday seem less important.  I do wish I would have heard him say I love you. At his bedside, his wife told me that they talked about me often and that he really did love me. I guess he loved me the only way he knew how. I wish I would have had the courage to tell him I forgave him for the choices he made that led to me not being a part of his life. Maybe he wouldn't have cared, but I do think he needed to hear it. At the very least, I needed him to hear me say it. There is so much I wish he could hear me say. I didn't start loving him seven years ago. I loved him my entire life. I dreamed and hoped and prayed. I am so grateful for the time that I got with him, but it wasn't long enough. It wasn't nearly long enough.

I've learned the unknown ain't as scary as you think/

And the best things don't always hang around for those who wait/

If you are waiting for the right time the right time will fly right by/

Always planning never moving always praying but never doing/

It ain't living if you're just spending your life waiting for the right time.

Yet Another Diagnosis (And An Anniversary)

Let's start out with the good news. The good news is today is the anniversary of the day I met Dad. In fact, as I type this, it is 5 minutes after I first laid eyes on him.  The first meeting was very awkward, but I was in pure bliss just knowing that I was so close to him.  This year has been a wild ride.  I am hoping that the next year brings us even closer together.  I have been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I haven't talked to him in a long time. I hope to find a spare moment to call him this week.  I am so thankful to have him in my life.  I love him and my Bonus Mama so much.


In other news, I went back to the doctor again this morning.  Let's back track for a moment.  Last week, I decided to do something stupid.  I went outside and tried to mow the yard.  I made about two strips into the yard and had to get John to come out and help me back into the house.  I could not walk. I was breathing so hard and my legs felt like they were able to give out under me.  I didn't think I'd make it back into the house. John almost had to carry me.  I immediately made an appointment with the doctor. When I seen him this morning, he said the x-ray they did last time was fine.  I have a rash on my ankle that he gave me some medication for.  He also said at this point he's ready to call what I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  He gave me some medicine to see if this helps and then we'll go from there.


In the mean time I am beat and counting down the minutes until bedtime - only 5 more hours to go. This is seriously crazy.  I want to be able to enjoy my life again.  I am so tired of being tired.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Maam

A Year Later

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my first conversation with Dad.  I remember that like it was yesterday.  It took almost two weeks from the time I started looking for him until I finally got a hold of him.  That first phone call was so scary.  It took 5 more weeks for us to finally meet, but it was the start of it all.


A lot of things have changed over the last year.  I am starting to get to know my Dad.  I have tried to give Dad the space he needed to process all of this, so things haven't progressed as much as I'd like.  I take comfort in knowing that God is in control of this situation and everything will work according to His Glory.


One thing I didn't count on was the relationship that would develop between his wife and me.  She was so accepting of my entrance to her world.  She has done nothing but show me an example of Christ's love.  No one will ever replace my Mama, but I have gladly give this lady the title of my Bonus Mama.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful lady in my life.


I have been blessed to do what a lot of people in my position never get to do.  No matter what happens, I am thankful that God gave me the opportunity to know these two incredible people.  I am a very blessed lady!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

The Gift

 

My Precious Daddy

My Sweet Bonus Mama



What is on your wish list for Christmas?  When asked this question most people could name an extensive (and expensive) list very quickly!  My Christmas list usually consists of things no one can buy me.  I want my Mama back.  I want to see my Daddy.  I want more children.  I want to see myself the way God sees me.  I'm not asking for much, am I? 


Today I received my Christmas present from God early this year.  I have been trying to make plans with Dad for the longest time.  When I could, he couldn't.  When he could, I couldn't.  The timing just wasn't right.  I have spent many days crying in the arms of my husband because this journey is such a hard one.  I am such a passionate person and when I love, I love deeply.  I have done my best not to be pushy either.  The last seven months have been one wild, emotionally-charged roller coaster. Over the past month I had talked to Dad a couple times.  He was going to be on vacation this week so we'd made tentative plans for this week.  I called him last night hoping we could plan something.  He told me that he'd look at their schedule and asked me to call again this morning.  I did just that.  We decided to meet for lunch.  That gave me an little more than an hour to shower, get dressed, go to the bank, stop at the Christian bookstore (forgot his copy of October Baby) and get to the restaurant.  I showed up a few minutes after 11 and thought for sure I was late.  I wasn't late. I was actually 20 minutes early.  Oops! On the way to meet them I kept praying God would allow us to have a pleasant visit.  God granted my wish.


They arrived and we ordered our food.  I had two gift bags with me because we hadn't seen each other since May.  I had Father's Day, Birthday and Christmas stuff for him and birthday and Christmas presents for Bonus Mama. We talked for the longest time after we finished eating.  I couldn't have asked for a better visit.  He hugged me twice and we got pictures together.  It was everything I could've dreamed of.  We said good-bye all too soon, though.  After they left, I had a couple of business calls to return so I did that.  Then I ran over to Books-A-Million to look around.  While I was there, I ran into them again.  We discussed books for a little while.  I found out that Bonus Mama likes Amish books. She also recommended a couple books for me.  I am excited to read them.


Yes, dear friends, my gift came early this year.  It didn't come in the form of presents wrapped under the tree.  It came after almost three decades of prayer.  It came seven months after this journey started.  It came dressed in jeans and a button down shirt.  The greatest gift I could've received this year was my Daddy.  He is worth every minute I have waited. He is worth every second I have spent in prayer.  This blessing is worth every tear I have shed and I would do it all again for just one moment with him. 


God, thank you for the blessing you have given me in Dad and his wife.  No matter what anyone says, every little girl wants the love of her daddy.  I am thankful that Bonus Mama has been so understanding through all of this and treats me so well.  I love them so much.  Please bless them in the coming year for all of the kindness they have shown to me.  Please give them good health for whatever time we all have left here on this earth.  Give me patience and help our relationship to grow. In Jesus name, Amen.

Granting Grace for Myself

I have finally finished all of my Christmas Shopping!!!  The kids will like what I got them.  (Believe it or not, Isaiah is the hardest to shop for.)  I am really impressed with John's gift! Gift Cards for Dad and Bonus Mama. I hate that I don't know them better.  Gift Cards are so impersonal.  Shopped for my siblings on Mom's side.  Everything is wrapped.  My box wasn't big enough to hold everything so the gifts are sitting on the coffee table in the living room.  Every day I hear "Mommy, is it "Chrisum" yet?"  Not yet, Liana. Soon, it will be.


I have really been struggling with getting into the mood to celebrate this year.  I am so thankful for my kids, but getting into the spirit of Christmas has been sooooo difficult this year.  I hate that every time Christmas comes I am haunted with memories of years past and visions of what I believe things should look like now.  My table is missing Grammie stories, 14 little hands and feet.  I am at a low point and I am just ready for this season to be behind me.  This isn't at all what God wants for me.  It's not what Mama wants for me either. 


I have been beating myself up for a month for not sticking to my diet.  I have had enough of that mental and physical torture.  I am giving myself a 3 week vacation.  Whatever goes into my mouth will not make me feel guilty.  I won't allow it.  This may not be the best way to deal with things, but it is what I have chosen to do.


On a brighter note, I received a couple suprises this weekend.  My dear, precious friend Stephanie sent me a Christmas card.  She made me cry. ;-)  I also received a card from Dad and Bonus Mama. The first ever gift/card from them.  I will cherish it.  I didn't really expect to get one of them.  Dad seems to  be the typical man who doesn't think about those things.  My thanks goes out to Bonus Mama for remembering me. 


I suppose that is all for now.  I am not sure I will be blogging for the rest of the year.  So just in case I don't "see" you before then - May God bless you with the merriest of Christmases.  I hope we all pause to thank God for His Christmas Gift to us.  That Gift is no longer a baby in a manger.  He grew up, was beaten and died on the Cross for the whole world's sins.  Now He lives forever more.  May we always remember that Christ is the reason for the season.  Please keep the CT shooting victims' families in your prayers.  Their tables will be very lonely this year, too.



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

November Thankfulness

This is my list of things I am thankful for this month.  There are way too many to list here, but these are the ones I chose to highlight.

November 1st - This month I am participating in "30 Days of Thankfulness." Each day I will be posting one thing I am thankful for. Today I am thankful that God thought I was worth the sacrifice of sending His only Son to die for my sins. I think of all the times when I felt defeated or frustrated during the adoption process with our kids. What we have to sacrifice today is nothing compared to the price that OUR adoption cost. Thank You God, for thinking that a sinner like me was worth being part of your family.

November 2nd - Today I am thankful for Jesus. The old song says "Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe." God sent Christ to earth to DIE for my sins. At any point along the way, Jesus could've stopped and said "I don't FEEL like going to the cross. I didn't do anything, but they are punishing me for the sins of others." He chose the cross, though. I pray that I learn to be that unselfish with my life. "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends." - John 15:13

November 3rd - Today I am thankful for my Mama. She spent her life trying to make my life better. This year has been full of information that has challenged the way I saw her, news that shattered everything I thought I knew. I know she loved me and I know she did her best to raise me right. I am thankful that she chose life for me. I am thankful for the 25 years God blessed me with this incredible lady.

November 4th - Today I am thankful for my Daddy. It has been a wild year. When I made last year's list, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the miracle was about to take place in my life. I am thankful that God brought my Daddy "home" to me. I am thankful that my Daddy was willing to accept me and start building a relationship with me. I am blessed beyond measure.

November 5th - Today I am thankful for my husband. We've had so many ups and downs throughout our relationship, but he is a good man who works hard to provide for his family. I love him and I am happy that God chose him for me.

November 6th - Today I am thankful for my Glory Babies. You guys shaped my life in ways I never imagine. The emotional journey that has accompanied your births has made my question so many things about God and my life, but I would never change a thing. I am so thankful that God chose ME to be your Mama. Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael, Jeremiah and Chloe - Mama loves you so much! I know you will have the Happiest Thanksgiving and Merriest Christmas of all because you are celebrating with Jesus!

November 7th - Today I am thankful for Sam. My first earth baby. He burst into my world full of life and sweetness one March day 4 years ago. He is such a great little boy. His heart is as big as anyone I've ever met before. He would do anything to help someone. He is the child who continuously tells me he wants to take his piggy bank to "the shelter" for the kids who need food and toys. His first Christmas with us he filled up 3 large garbage bags of toys to donate to other children. He teaches me so much about how God loves us. I am blessed beyond measure that God chose me to be Sam's Mama.

November 8th - Today I am thankful Landon. He is so full of life and spunk! He is my "cat." He rarely let's you know his love for you. He makes you work for his affection. That makes me appreciate his love so much because I HAVE to WORK for the "I love you's" I get from him. He is my comic relief, the source of my gray hair, and the joy of my life. I couldn't imagine life without him. I am so thankful God chose me to be his Mama.

November 9th - Today I am thankful for Jewel-Anne. She was my first little unexpected blessing. There are so many things she does that reminds me of Mama. She even has Mama's feet. She is my first infant. She taught me about determination. When she was born she struggled for every single milestone she would reach, but she did it! She is the ultimate sweetheart. She always has a smile on her face and is such a cuddle bug. She gave me the gift I never thought I'd have on earth - bringing a child home from the hospital and raising it. For years I prayed for 3 AM feedings and boy, did she grant that wish!

November 10th - Today I am thankful for Liana. You have been my little spunky bundle of joy since you walked into my life. You are the little Mama that helps me keep the ship running. You are amazing and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you. I am blessed to be called your Mama.

November 11th - Today I am thankful for Isaiah. You amaze me so much, Little Man. You teach me so much about how we are to love God. When I look into your eyes, I am amazed that someone could trust or believe in me so much.

November 12th - Today I am thankful for Aunt Flossie. You were just like a grandmother to me. The person I am today, at least the good things, is because of the things you taught me. Thank you for being willing to spend your retirement loving and nurturing someone who often didn't appreciate the sacrifice. It took becoming a parent to really understand all you did for me. Thank you so much for loving me!

November 13th - Today I am thankful for Suzie, Sandy, Donny and Pete (Dad's kids) - Thank you so much for sharing Dad with me. I know that none of this is easy for you guys either, but I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to get to know you. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives making up for the 29 years we missed.

November 14th - Today I am thankful for my other set of siblings - Earl, Kathy, Cindy and Paul (Mom's kids) - Life hasn't always been the greatest between us, but I am glad God blessed me with you guys. I love you!

November 15th - Today I am thankful for my church. I have finally found a place that feels like home and I am so thankful for that. God has blessed me so much through my pastor and his family. I pray that their ministry continues to grow and prosper as God would have it to.

November 16th - Today I am thankful for my friendships. God has blessed me with some wonderful friends. Some who have stayed for a season and those who have stayed "forever." Each one of you have taught me so much about life. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for each of you.

November 17th - Today I am thankful for a special friend, Stephanie McKinney. She is always there to listen to me, lift me up, and smack me around when I need it. God has blessed me beyond measure with this incredible person. I love you so much!

November 18th - Today I am thankful for Christmas decorations, movies, treats and all the things we know as Christmas. I love the sounds and smells of this season.

November 19th - Today I am thankful for memories. It is what makes me be able to enjoy this season without Mama here to enjoy it with us.

November 20th - Today I am thankful for God's blessings. As the song says "there's a roof up above me, I have a good place to sleep, there's food on my table and shoes on my feet." I am so thankful that God has always met my NEEDS. Money may get tight from time to time but I've never known what it means to truly struggle. My kids have food, clothing and shelter. That is a lot more than a lot of people have today.

November 21st - Today I am thankful for my MP3 player. You provide a great workout distraction! My mind is grateful to you!

November 22nd - Today I am thankful for turkey and broccoli casserole! Yum!!!

November 23rd - Today I am thankful for leftovers. You are so bad for my waist-line, but oh so good for my taste buds!

November 24th - Today I am thankful for service men and women. Thank you for all you do to protect our freedoms. Thank you for spending your holidays fighting to keep us safe instead of with your families where you'd rather be.

November 25th - Today I am thankful for peanut butter cookies! You are my favorite dessert. I really like it when you are full of honey roasted peanuts. *Note to anyone thinking of what to get me for Christmas - I would appreciate your gift of peanut butter cookies!*

November 26th - Today I am thankful for my favorite authors - Amy Clipston, Beth Wiseman, Cindy Woodsmall and Wanda Brunstetter! I love getting lost in the stories you share. Your characters become like family to me.

November 27th - Today I am thankful for the God-given ability to homeschool my children. I wouldn't trade this gift for the whole world!

November 28th - Today I am thankful for music! It gives memories, lifts my moods and brings so much to my family. Thank you to my favorite artists too!

November 29th - Today I am thankful for our police officers, fire fighters and EMTs. Thank you for helping keep us safe!

November 30th - Today I am thankful for the fact that there are only 25 more days until Jesus's Birthday!   

The Ups and Downs of This Journey

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I had this really long blog post (do I know how to do any other type) typed out and some how I lost it.


I am sitting here with a confession to make.  I have really struggled the last few months.  I gained some of my weight back, but now I am in the process of losing again.  I had gained back up to 292 but I am currently 287 so that is good.  That is what I will focus on.  I am still losing.  I stumbled, but I've picked back up again. 


I really started struggling sometime between March and May.  Life was pretty mild back in March, but when I seen the movie October Baby.  All of the emotions that I had been suppressing for 28 years came flooding to the surface and I was an emotional mess.  I created this emotional hell where I would meet this man who hated me even though he was supposed to love me.  The flipside of this nightmare was that he would love me and everyone else would hate me.  Even now I am still struggling to see where I fit into his life.  He is a great man.  It's all just really weird.  This is only the tip of the iceberg with my stress though.  Family, jobs, financies, and a host of other things plague my thoughts.  It's a never ending movie that I cannot turn off. 


So now I set here trying to navigate through all of this.  I need to get back into a healthier routine.  I looked back at my weight tracker today.  I was sure I would be disappointed.  A couple days before I met Dad I was at 304.  Today I am at 287.  I have lost 17 lbs in the last 4.5 months.  It's not the greatest, but I will own it.  I am proud I did that well.  I have lost a couple pounds this week alone when I didn't think I would.


Last week, as part of my new routine, John made me go out each evening.  I left when he got home and took some time to de-stress.  I have been going to Waffle House.  It's by far not the healthiest choice, but it is what I have been wanting.  I have been taking a book and my new Bible Study by Beth Moore along with  me.  I set there for a couple hours and just enjoy the time I have away from everything.  It is not as quiet as I could have if I went somewhere else, but the noise doesn't bother me too much.  Even with me eating more carbs than I would like, I have still lost 2 lbs this week.  That is pretty good for me.


For those of you keeping track, I am still housing this headache.  This is INSANITY, but I am thankful for the days when the pain isn't as intense!


I ask for your prayers.  I really need the strength right now.  Thank you so much to those who have stuck by me and have been an encouragement to me.  You are amazing.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

I Survived His First Week of Training

This week has been full of blessings and challenges.  This week has been about survival.  I am trying to remember to praise God in each of these things.  It's easy to praise Him for the good stuff.  It's a bit harder to remember to praise Him when my head is pounding and I look at my princess who now looks like a human version of the Purple People Eater thanks to the Crayola marker she found. Thank God those markers are washable! ;-)


As I lay in the ER last Saturday with my head pounding so hard I thought I would die, I thought about how our lives would change this week.  My husband had been working part time only for the last 10 months.  Now he'd be going back to almost 60 hour weeks.  I worried how the kids would adjust.  I worried how I would be able to be everything for everyone while he was gone.  Ironic that I couldn't even put my stress aside there! ;-)


The week went pretty well.  John drove Monday.  Landon had speech therapy on Tuesday so I took him to work.  Dueto timing of everything I would have to drive almost all day.  John called me on his first break and said he was going to carpool with a fellow classmate who lives about 20 minutes from here.  We are in the middle of the two places so it works out great.  I take him to the hotel in the mornings and pick him up at the hotel in the evenings.  It will save us a ton of gas and a lot of aggravation on my part.  Work is going well for John too. I am so happy for him.


The benefits of this company are phenomonal!  Insurance won't kick in for 90 days, but it seems like it will be great insurance.  We will have fertility coverage too! It isn't a lot, but it is the first job he's had that offered it.  It's nice to know that when we are ready to try again, we'll be able to have some financial assistance to cover my treatments.  He has a host of other benefits, but this was our biggest concern when applying for jobs. 


From a medical standpoint the past couple days have been really weird.  My head is still hurting which is nothing new.  The pain never goes away.  Its intensity varies, but it never goes away.  Yesterday, I started feeling weird.  I have been kind of  "fuzzy headed" and shaky.  Naturally, I went through the steps to eliminate the source of the problem.  Blood sugar was great.  My blood pressure was great.  My heart rate was phenomenal!  I have no idea what is going on, but I still feel "weird."


Yesterday, I spoke with my bonus mama for a while.  Before we got off the phone I had asked her when would be a good time to speak to Dad.  He is so super busy that it's very difficult to get a hold of him.  If he's not at work, he is either farming or sometimes he's sleeping. She told me to try tonight.  John told me to go out and get dinner.  I chose Waffle House.  After I ate I sat there and read my book (His Love Endures Forever by Beth Wiseman).  When I finally looked up from my book it was 8:30.  I sat in the parking lot said a prayer and dialed the number.  When I spoke with her a couple days ago she wasn't feeling well so I asked if she was feeling better.  She is, thank God!  I asked her if Dad was there and he was - and was awake! 


Dad and I had a great conversation.  We talked about a bunch of different stuff.  He is into sports and I am not.  He's a farmer and I am not.  Through all of this I am finding that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone if it brings me closer to him.  I cherish those rare times when we do get to talk.  I love listening to his voice and it doesn't matter what he says.  If Mama's death has taught me anything it would be that life is too short and I need to cherish every moment I have with those I love.  I have longed to have my Dad for so long.  I have NO IDEA the thoughts that go through his head when he thinks of me or is on the phone with me.  The fact that he is willing to give some of his time to talk to me means the world to me.  A pretty great way to end my day, if you ask me!


Alright now it is time to see my husband off to work and get some sleep.  We have church in the morning and I have 5 kids to get ready by myself.  I need all of the energy I can find!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Pain in the Midst of Joy

Today is my bonus mother's birthday.  I called her this morning to wish her a happy birthday.  We had a nice conversation.  I hope she has a great birthday.  I am so thankful that God has brought her into my life.  When Mama died, she left this huge hole in my heart.  I felt so lost as a woman, as a daughter and as a Mama myself.  No one will ever take Mama's place and B wouldn't try to do that.  She has provided comfort to my weary soul, though.  In addition to having a friend to talk to she's helped bridge the gap with Dad also. 


After I talked to her for a little while, Dad walked in the house.  We talked for a few minutes.  Both of us had things to do this morning so our phone conversation was cut short.  I felt very giddy when I got off the phone.  Inside of me still lives the little girl deseperate to win her father's love and affection.  The most difficult part of the whole process is that you have two grown adults trying to navigate a relationship that is typically grown when the child is too young to talk back, voice an opinion, etc.  The conversation I had with him went really well, but it's so difficult knowing where we should be.  I struggle trying to constantly remind myself how blessed I am to have found my Dad.  We are just in this weird stage where we are both trying to find our way. 


I wish I had grown up knowing my Dad.  I wish he would've been there all my life.  I wish I could've been there when he'd gotten sick a few years ago.  I wish I could be there now.  I can't speak for him or how he feels about all of this.  I just know I feel very lonely.  In the midst of the joy, there is always pain.  Pain that longs for the should've, could've and would've of yesterday.  I wish I could break free of the chains that hold  me.  I wish I could have the boldness to say "Dad, I love you. I know this is hard for you. It is hard for me, too.  I don't want to make things harder for you, but this is what I need." 


I had a really hard day a few weeks ago.  I made a list of things that I needed from my Dad.  The list is very private and won't be shared here.  The fact is that I will probably never share it with him either.  I am so afraid of chasing him away that I will probably never be able to open up to him.  I would rather play a game of cat and mouse with him than to scare him off for good. 


The other day my best friend Stephanie said "Lisa, to know you is to love you."  I sure wish I could see what other people see when they look at me.  To me, I am just a broken woman trying to figure out this mess that resides between my ears.  When I look in the mirror, I see the daughter that was unwanted, a wife who doesn't measure up, a Mom who falls short every day, a friend who isn't supportive enough and a woman who is just so tired of trying to be everything and worry about everyone.  I wish for one moment I could see with God's eyes and see what He sees when He looks at me.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama - The Broken Edition

A Good Weekend

This has been a pretty good weekend.  Yesterday we celebrated Sam's birthday (a week late) with family.  He had a wonderful time. Mrs. Cheryl waited on us at Chili's.  She is such a precious lady and we love her to death.  She is so patient and kind with my kids.  I will say it again - the quickest way to move this mama is the way you treat my kids.  If you are kind then you won't find a better friend, but NO ONE wants to awaken Mama Bear!


I've been to the gym 4 times this week.  TB is kicking my tail, though.  My first day back at the gym, I completed an hour of TB.  The days since then have been 30 minute days due to time constraints.  Yesterday, I squeezed in a trip to the gym before going to Sam's party so I was very proud of myself.  I love my quiet, uninterrupted showers.  They are so nice.


Today, the kids and I stayed home from church because Liana wasn't feeling well.  Sam said he wanted to play with the babies.  While he did that Landon and I cleaned house.  We moved furniture, swept and organized everything in the living room. We also completed my room, the girls room and worked on the bathroom.  Landon's reward for being such a sweet helper was a lunch date with Mama.  We had a great time and even ran into our former Pastor.  It was nice seeing him and his family. 


Tomorrow is my first day of work.  I am so excited, but I feel so unprepared.  I feel like I will mess something up.  I know my boss is only a phone call away, though.  I shared my heart with John this afternoon about my nervousness.  He took the time to stop and pray with me.  That may sound like no big deal to most, but I couldn't tell you the last time that happened.  Something so simple made my day. 


Life is changing so much that you'd think I wouldn't have time to stop and think about anything.  I wish that were true.  I can't seem to get my mind off Dad, though.  I miss him so much.  I can't wait to see him again.  John tells me all the time that he can't wait to meet Dad and B.  I have told him so many stories about my phone conversations with B that I am sure he feels like he knows her already.  I am thankful that he understands the need for me to take this slowly, though.  He gets frustrated when he sees me longing to see Dad so, but he is trying to respect the decisions I have made. 


Today, John got the phone call telling him he was officially hired for the company he applied for. He found out on Friday that he had the job, but this was the official seal of approval.  It came with a couple emails with all of his pre-employment paperwork and info for his drug screen which he will take tomorrow.  My time with him is slipping away.  He has been working part time for 9 months now.  While the additional income will be nice, I will miss him being here all the time.  Now don't get me wrong, I am glad he'll be out of the house more.  I have one more month before he starts work, though.  I am going to make it count.  My "honey-do" list is getting longer. ;-)


Well most of my kids are already asleep.  I am going to take the time to read some of my book and enjoy the quietness of my house before my husband comes home. 


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Pediatricians and Sweet Conversations

This morning, two of my children had appointments with the pediatrician.  I woke up at 6:30 when I was supposed to be out of the house by 7.  Yeah, it was mild chaos in our house for a bit.  We got Sam and Isaiah ready to leave.  Isaiah had his appointment in May, ,but his triglycerides were elevated.  They wanted to recheck him while he was fasting.  I was really proud of Sam because he told me he wasn't going to eat breakfast until his little brother could have his, too.  As soon as blood was collected they enjoyed a baggie of Fruit Loops. Isaiah's blood work was fantastic as was Sam's.  At eight years old, Sam is such a little thing.  He is 4'1" and FINALLY made it to 50 pounds!! My kids and I need to switch problems.  They can't gain, and I have to work like crazy to get the weight off me. 


The highlight of my morning was when the pediatrician walked in the room.  There are several in the practice my kids go to.  This morning we were seeing my favorite guy.  He is a sweet old man who probably has grandchildren who are my age.  He walked in and said "Wow, you have lost weight!! Your hair is red now, too!"  I said "Yeah, I have 70-some pounds now.  The hair is compliments of my hair dresser, though."  He said "Well you look great! Keep up the good work!"  This man isn't only concerned with my kids, but he's taken the time to get to know ME.  He also asks about all of my kids when he sees them.  He knows each of them by name, too.


On the way home, I stopped by FedEx to mail a computer to Dell for repair.  Isaiah enjoyed finding the censor for the automatic door.  He kept jumping on it and laughing like he'd seen clowns in the circus. He was so funny.  After I left there I called John to update him on the kid's.


On my way home I called to talk to Dad's wife, B.  We had a wonderful conversation.  I just love listening to her talk.  She touched my heart when she told me she'd been worried about me because I hadn't called in a couple weeks.  I still look at myself as a huge inconvenience to this family.  They've done nothing to make me feel that way, but I still feel that way.  In fact, they have been nothing but kind and welcoming to me.  Dad and I are still finding our way.  We are all still navigating our way through all of this craziness, but B treats me like I've been a part of their lives forever.  She tells me stories about our family, stories when my siblings were kids, stories about when SHE was a kid.  She talks to me about Dad.  She loves to talk and I love to listen so we get along great. 


As far as "step moms" go, I have one of the bests.  She will never take the place of my Mama, nor would she try.  She's always been very kind when she speaks of Mama.  In one of the first REAL conversations we had, I was very apologetic because I was such a disruption to their lives.  She said the words I will never forget the rest of my life. "Honey, if you are D(Dad's name) then you are mine too. I have never made a difference between his kids and mine."   I hate the term "step mom."  I refuse to call her that.  I call her my Bonus Mom.  I mean no disrespect to my Mama when I call her that either. No one will ever take the place of my Mama, but B deserves more respect than the title of "step mom."


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Completing the October Baby Bible Study

This has been a really good day.  I am very thankful for that.  This morning I woke up to the sounds of Landon doing his chores.  Unfortunately, he woke the rest of the house up with his cleaning.  I'll take it, though! 


I took this time to get out of bed and start my day.  Landon earned WiiFit time so he did that while I read my Bible.  Over the last month I have read more of my Bible than I ever have.  While I am ashamed to admit that fact, I am proud of myself for finally digging in and getting into it.  I always had a problem taking God's Word and applying most of it to my life. There are some things that are easy to make sense of (don't commit adultry, don't steal, etc). Others I am left asking "What did You mean for me to learn from this?" Then I ran across the passage that says "If any of you lacks wisdom..." (James 1:5) while reading through the book of James.  Since then I always start by asking God to give me His wisdom so that I may read His Word through His eyes.  There are still some things I struggle with understanding, but God is faithful and will provide the wisdom I seek. 


When John got home from work, I caught a quick shower and went to my friend Stephanie's house to babysit my "bonus babies."  These are the kids I get to love on, enjoy for a while, then return to their parents when the day is done.  LOL  In all seriousness, these kids are really special to me and I love them like my own children.  I am so blessed by this family and they are part of my family as much as my own siblings. In my eyes, these kids are my nieces and nephews.  I will love and protect them as I would my own kids.  We had a great time.  ZR decided that I needed to see all of her clothes!  The boys were great, too.  Unfortunately, shortly after I arrived it was lunch and nap time so we didn't get that much time together. 


Wednesdays are shot days so I headed to Clinic after leaving Stephanie's.  Thankfully, I got a good nurse so the shot didn't hurt at all.  There is this one nurse there that makes me feel like I am dying every time she sticks me.  There is one nurse there that makes the shots painless.  The other ladies are good at their jobs and make sure the pain is minimal. 


Tonight was sandwich night at our house.  Everyone had their part in helping Mama prepare dinner, something Daddy does most of the time now.  They had fun.  After dinner we played for a while and Daddy went to church.  Bedtime was fairly easy tonight, praise God! 



This morning I also finished up my October Baby Bible Study.  This was a four week study that has really challenged me in the way I view my life and those around me.  It is so hard to believe how much this movie changed my life.  I stand in awe of the fact that God knew, before I was even born, how much this movie would change my life.  I am so thankful to the writers of the movie who followed God's call to make this film.  I know that many lives have been changed and many more will be in the years to come.  On a personal level it means so much to know that God would ochestrate all of this even if I was the only one who was ever impacted by the movie. 




In thinking back over the last six months of my life, I am amazed with how much God has changed me.  Finding my father seemed to be nothing more than a nice dream that would never come true.  Even if it did come true, I was convinced it would be a nightmare.  I was almost paralyzed by the fear that things would end badly because I was so afraid of taking that chance.  I am so thankful God gave me the courage to push forward.  Even if things had ended badly, at least I could have peace knowing I did all I could.  Thankfully, that isn't the case.  Things have been great with Dad.  We have had many phone conversations and are looking forward to seeing each other again soon.  These months have been filled with many difficulties and situations that were hard to face, but the blessings far outweigh the work that it's taken to get here. 



It doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months since I first met Dad.  In my life there was this missing piece and Dad fit the puzzle completely.  As I type this it doesn't seem like it's only been 3 months.  It seems like he's been a part of my life forever.  That's not to say that there aren't challenges and days when I struggle (as I'm sure he does) with where we are.  It's complicated, messy and very emotional, but it's worth it!  I spent my entire life dreaming of the time when I could pick up the phone and call him.  God carved my dreams of Dad out to be exactly what they needed to be to make this work.  Forgiveness and healing have been gifted to me by my Heavenly Father to be extended to my earthly father.  I continue to pray that his other kids will one day be willing to build a relationship with me as well.  I know none of this is easy on them, either. 


I will always be grateful to the creators of this movie for the part they played in my story. I don't know that I would've ever had the courage to contact my Dad. I am thankful that God brought my Dad home to me. I look forward to many years with this incredible man.

On September 11th, October Baby will be released on DVD.  I highly recommend you purchase a copy of it for your family.  Pastors, show this film in your churches.  Buy extra copies and give them away.  If it saves one life, it's worth it!  Also, please join me in praying for these post abortive women.  They need to know that there is forgiveness when they turn their lives over to God and repent.  They need to know that God still loves them and that He is waiting with open arms to welcome them home. 


Tonight as I close this entry, I will go to bed with a full heart.  I am blessed beyond measure because of the life God has given me.  I am in awe that He loves me so much. 


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

It's Not About You Either!

Today has been very emotional.  I am bleeding which means I am extra tired and very emotional.  That means water works are an every 15 minute occurance and I have to remind myself not to bite people's head off.  I have went Mama bear on a couple people!!


John got a call for a job interview tomorrow, his second interview for the day.  The second one is for a job about 10 minutes from where Dad lives.  John said "While we are up that way..."  That was the wrong thing to say to me.  First, neither of us (Dad and I) are ready for Dad to meet the kids.  We need time to get to know one another first.  We have talked on the phone a few times, but have only met once.  Please do not misunderstand me, my decision to wait has nothing to do with trusting him.  He is a kind man.  It has everything to do with the fact that I waited YEARS for this and I need that time with him for a while before it becomes about him being Dad and Grandpa.


Secondly, he needs more time to get used to the idea of me being in his life. I spent years searching for him.  He's had me in his life for two minutes.  He has been very understanding of my arrival in his life, but it is a big adjustment.  I am sure he thought he'd go his whole life without me.  He has said he's thought about me over the years, but I am just something I'm sure he never thought he'd have to deal with.  I am doing everything I can to give him the space he needs while letting him know I care. It is a delicate balance and I won't even pretend that I know the magic formula for this.


It really bothers me when someone gets angry with me because I won't push harder.  It bothers me even more when someone gets mad at him because he isn't being more proactive in this situation.  There is only ONE person who deserves to get mad at him and it's me!  If I can forgiveness for him then no one else has any right to judge.  I love him enough to give him the time he needs despite what I want.


The last few weeks while my life has been going nuts, the only thing I have wanted to do is to run to his arms and have him hold me while I cry, to be able to pour my soul out to him and him give me reassurance that all would be ok, to share my troubles and have him give me the that Godly wisdom that can only come from my Daddy.  I want to be able to visit him at work, be in the neighborhood and stop by his house, or go to church with him.  Those are all selfish things that I desire.  My love has matured through this process.  I have realized that it's not all about me. 


While I appreciate those around me who love me enough to want the best for me, I need you to understand that my Heavenly Father has this in the palm of His hands.  I will still have times when I need to vent, but I know that this situation is taken care of.  I will defend Dad's rights and choices with my dying breath, though.  You may not understand them.  Perhaps you wouldn't have made the same choices, but they were/are his. We are both handling it the best way we know how to.


It's not about me, but it's not about you either!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

The Bad Days Will Come...

Today was a very rotten, no good day.  John worked last night and I didn't sleep well.  The morning went fine until about I got out of bed. ;-) Then, the problems started.  I didn't want my mood to effect everyone else so I stayed gone most of the day. 


I decided to go to the movies to see Just Like Us.  From the description of the movie, it sounded like something up my alley.  I had seen previews for it before.  It is about this man whose father dies and he finds out that he has a sister he never knew of.  Dad leaves instructions for him to give the sister a gift, but things get complicated as the movie goes on.  It sounded kind of similar to my story.  Mom dies...I find Dad...yadda, yadda.  As the movie progressed you realize how bad movie dad really is.  Neither of my parents were/are bad people so then the movie just kind of made me angry.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  There was a quote in the movie that really spoke to me.  The daughter in this movie said something to the effect of "You know, you always ask what it was that YOU did to make them choose this. Why is it that we never ask what THEY did?"  I am totally the person who takes blame and judgement (self inflicted and other wise) for the choices of others.  Why wasn't I good enough?  Oh if only I had done this....well what if I do this will...


I sat in the parking lot crying until my eyes hurt.  I texted my husband a few times and my poor friend Stephanie (sorry, Steph!).  I began questioning a lot of things and going to that no-so-happy place.  I drove to Staples.  I tried to compose myself before I walked in, but my efforts were in vain.  It seemed that everything I looked at made me cry.  Notebooks, pens, computer software.  I am sure the cashier thought I was a crazy lady. 


I made it back to the van, put on a CD and cried some more.  Through my tears I sat down and wrote letters to both of my parents.  Letters that will never be seen by either of them, but I needed to process.  I love both of them dearly.  They are both incredible people.  Out of all of the people God could've chosen to be my parents, he chose two of the greatest.  I would be lying if I said I understood the choices they made though.  One I can't talk to because she's no longer on this side of Heaven.  The other parent can't really give me the answers I seek either. 


One of the things I did was made a list of things that I needed to say to/hear or receive from Dad.  Through everything today, I just wanted to start driving and not stop until I got to his doorstep.  I wanted to collapse in his arms and just cry until I felt better.  And I need to be able to do it without him looking at me like I have 5 heads!  We just aren't there, yet.  That is one of the things I miss most about Mom.  John tries, but we have kids who always demand our attention.  When the day is done I just want to rest. 


I started cramping again tonight.  Today is CD 14 with no sign of ovulation so I'm not sure what is going on with my crazy body.  I wish there was rhyme or reason to its madness though!


Tomorrow is a new, and hopefully a better, day.  I am going to go to bed and try to rest as I watch Army Wives.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Trust - Unhealthy Attitudes

I know lately it seems that I have strayed from the "weight loss" part of this blog, but I am a very emotional person and emotional eating is a huge reason I am where I am today.  I use this blog as my outlet.  It is my therapy, if you will. 


Tonight, I went out with my dear friend Stephanie.  We had a great time and we talked a lot.  I did most of the talking, which is weird.  I can blog/fb until my fingers fall off.  When it comes to face to face communication, forget about it!  She said something to me that really clicked.  When I got home,  John said almost exactly the same thing she said. 


Today was Dad's birthday.  On my way home from the gym, I called to wish him a happy birthday.  We had a great conversation about farming and canning vegetables.  Today, his wife had him helping her can tomatoes.  That's not exactly the chore I would've chosen for MY birthday, but he was doing it with a great heart.  When we were finished, I wished him Happy Birthday again and we hung up.


It's so funny because we have came to our first milestone.  The first couple calls I was so gaurded about when I would call him.  There were only certain times I would call because I just knew that things were going to go badly.  I wouldn't call him before I went into the gym because if I did then it would ruin my work out.  Working out is a huge MENTAL thing for me.  If I am not focused, I don't do as well.  I wouldn't call him while I was driving because I wanted to make sure I didn't run off the road because of something one of us said.  I can't have peaceful conversations at home, period.  My children are loud and like to take the time to demonstrate their lungs' ability to function the second I get on the phone.  There were all these rules I had in place before I would call him.  Today, I finished what I was doing at the gym and noticed I had to be home soon to meet Stephanie.  I called Dad while on the way home.  That might not seem like much to anyone else (other than to say how horrible I am for being on the phone while driving), but the fact that I trusted things to go well was huge for me. 


I have this huge problem with letting people into my little circle.  If you want to get to know me then that is great, but there aren't too many people that I allow to see all of the skeletons in my closet.  In my experience, when I let someone in I have always regretted it later.  If I don't let others get too close, or show them who I really am inside, then they can't hurt me.  John told me tonight and said "You need to have more faith.  If you never trust someone enough to let them in, you will never have the chance to be proven wrong."  I have lived most of my life by keeping people at arm's length for fear of getting hurt.  The flip side of this is that I have missed out on so much because I never gave people the chance to prove me wrong.  Sadly, most of the people I chose to let in only fed into my theory and I was always left broken hearted. 


I am a broken woman.  A woman who would do almost anything to help someone else, but to trust someone else to meet MY needs? Yeah, forget about it! Don't let anyone in...no one needs to get too close...no one gets hurt.  This is  not the person I want to be.  It's not healthy.  It's certainly not the place to be when given a great blessing like I have been blessed with.  I do not want to enter a relationship with my Dad and new siblings with this huge chip on my shoulder. 


So now make the journey toward healing.  I struggle with how much to say...when to say it...  I am so afraid of scaring him off.  The irony of all of this is that I will miss so much, simply because  I was afraid to put myself out there.  I have already missed 29 years with this man.  I don't want to miss one more second.  I will always long for the 29 years we missed, but I don't want to look back and say that I wasted the time I did have.  I have stood by one casket filled with regrets and "what ifs" and their companions - should've/could've/would've.  Years from now, I don't want to stand by another grave knowing I let fear stand in the way of building a real relationship with my father.  Now all I need to do is stand up to these giants and move forward. That part will be a little more difficult so please pray for me.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Six Month Clinic Anniversary

What a difference 6 months makes! I'd been hesitating whether to post a semi-annual update or not, but here I go.  I have lost 38 lbs in the last 6 months.  That may not seem like a lot to some people, but that is huge (no pun intended) for me. My total so far is 72 lbs!! I have went from a 30/32 shirt to a 22/24 shirt.  I have lost inches too. 


More importantly is what I've gained.  I have gained self confidence that I never knew I had.  I have started to love myself a bit more.  I have lost some friendships, but gained new ones.  Life has changed so much and this is only the beginning.  I cannot wait to see what my one year anniversary brings. 


The single most important thing that has happened to me was finding my Dad.  Everything is still so fresh and new with him, but it is wonderful.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  Each conversation brings us closer together.  My heart is healing.  Years of prayers have brought me to the place of my miracle.  If I live a million years it will never be enough time to thank God for giving me a second chance  with my Dad. 


So how about some photos?  



August 2011 - 360 lbs  (Heaviest)

December 2011 - Started Clinic - 326 (down 34 lbs)

June 2012 - 288 (down 72 lbs)



There might be a slight change, huh? ;-)  Here's to the next 72 lbs (and then some!)



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

It's Too Hot!

I had a great day with a few bumps in the road. Spent the morning with family running errands. We had lunch out before coming home. 


This afternoon, I called my step mom to ask some questions related to Dad's birthday present.  We had a nice mini conversation before my phone decided to drop the call.  Dad got home right before we got disconnected.  She said "I think your Daddy's home."  Everyone reading this may think I am insane, but I still feel my heart skip a beat when someone calls him my daddy.  I often wonder if the new women in my life know how much their conversations mean to me.  I am sure in their minds, they aren't saying anything special.  If only they knew what their words meant to me.    When I called her back I tried to ask her a few questions and I could tell he was standing there.  I asked her if he was in the room. "Kind of!" is the response I got.  I am sure Dad thought it was weird that I called to talk to her and not to him, though.  Now, I must impatiently wait for us to be able to schedule something.  I long for the days when we don't go 5+ weeks in between visits.  For now, I am thankful for the time we do have together. 


After I finished my shopping I headed to the gym. I went to the gym where I misplaced my hair clip (long hair and working out aren't a good mix), dropped my glasses while on The Beast, then dropped my cell phone in the locker room. The irony of it all was I found my hair clip as I was walking out of the gym. The good news is that glasses are ok.  My phone will be sent next week.


I headed to Lifeway to spend my gift card my sisters got me.  I got some great books that I can't wait to read.  I had a wonderful dinner then headed home.  The kids are now sleeping in their beds.  I think it will be a semi-early night for me too.  This heat is making me super tired.  It was 105 degrees today!  I am ready for that stuff to be over with.  It does make me very thankful I know where I'm going when I leave this earth!!


Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

Happy Birthday to Me

This day five years ago, I sat in my fertility specialists office waiting for news that we wouldn't be able to try that month.  Later, the nurse called me to tell me I was already pregnant.  Four days later, our dancing was turned to mourning as our miracle made his journey to Heaven.

If it hadn't been for Michael, I wouldn't have the kids I do now.  His death lead us to start foster parenting classes earlier than we had planned.  Would we have had kids? Yes, but it wouldn't have been my babies.  God's timing is amazing.  In a time when I wast questioning everything and thought I would die from the pain I was feeling.  All the while, God was whispering "Hold on.  The pain you feel won't last forever.  I have plans for you that you can't even begin to imagine."  Today as I sit here typing this I look around at my house and I have 5 gorgeous blessings running around teasing each other.  I have seven beautiful blessings in Heaven, too.  I am so blessed. 


I kicked off my birthday celebration a day early.  Yesterday, I left the house by myself to go run some errands by myself.  I had to run to John's work and then to the bank, but the rest of the day was spent doing "fun" stuff.  I went to clinic where I found out about my weight loss.  I went to the gym which made me feel so much better.  I had a wonderful, quiet dinner.  I had a wonderful conversation with Dad.  On the way home I stopped to pick up a treat for the kids. 


This morning I woke up and Liana asked me to help her sing happy birthday to me.  Then, everyone else sang to me.  Liana went to lunch with me.  The afternoon was spent running a couple errands.  I had to pick up the last part of our family picture order.  I'd received a free framed picture, but it wasn't ready when I picked the others up.  The lady who designed it made a beautiful framed collage.


Yesterday,  I found out that Dad's birthday is close to mine.  Our birthdays are 5 days apart.  I set out on a mission to try to figure out what to get him.  This afternoon, I decided to call in reinforcements and contacted my sister S.  She was very helpful.  After I left Walmart, I headed to the Christian Book Store to find a card for him.  Can I just tell you how hard it is to find a card that fits our situation?  If it's not a humorous card then it talks about all of the years we've had together.  I have never been one for humorous cards.  I wanted something that expressed how I felt, but struggled to find something that wouldn't make him feel bad.  I had the same problem searching for a Father's Day Card.  I finally found the perfect one then left.  I made another quick stop  to pick up his present before heading to dinner. 


Dinner was AMAZING! We went to Chili's.  Our favorite server, Mrs. Cheryl waited on us.  She is one of the most amazing ladies I know.  She's so kind and patient with my children.  Of course, the way to this mama's heart is to be nice to my children.  Cindy, Cyndee, Kathy and Paul (siblings) joined us for dinner.  I am thankful I got to spend time with them. 


As we were getting ready to leave, I ran into a dear friend.  I hadn't seen her in a long time.  I am thankful that God brought us together tonight.  If I had a list of people I wanted to see on my birthday, she'd definitely be on it. 


I am so blessed with all of the wonderful people God has surrounded me with.  This day was as close to perfect as it could get.  The only things that would've made it better would've been to see my parents today.  I am thankful for all the birthdays I got to spend with Mama.  I am thankful that in a few days I will get to celebrate Father's Day/ My Birthday/ Dad's birthday with my Dad this year.  I pray we have many more years to celebrate special days. 


Thank you to all of my friends and family who made this day amazing.  I love each and every one of you.  May God bless you for your kindness.


Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

A Birthday Gift Like No Other

I cannot think of a better way to end year 28 than the way I spent my day.  This morning I got up and made my way to get Isaiah's hair cut.  He behaved so well.  He even got a sucker.  The lady that cut his hair did a fantastic job.  Having his hair cut always makes him little like such a big boy, though. *sniff* Afterwards I dropped him off with Daddy.


I made a stop by the clinic to get my shot for the week.  To be very honest, I expected a gain this time.  I hadn't been watching my diet as close as I should have, and I kept having dreams about stepping on the scales and gaining 10 lbs! It terrified me.  I was so surprised when I seen the number I did that I made the nurse come out and look at it.  She's new at the clinic and thought I didn't know how to read the scale.  I had to explain to her that I knew how to read the scale, but I couldn't believe what it said.    288!!! WoW!!! I have officially lost 20% of my original weight.  I can't believe I finally got there. I haven't been this small since before we started fertility treatments.


After I left the clinic, I headed to the gym.  I did 30 minutes on TB, took a hot shower.  I was pleasantly surprised to see that my bleeding had slowed waaaaaaaaaaaay down! My day just kept getting better.


Dad's photo album some how got damaged so I had to run to Knoxville to get him another one.  I picked up Amy Clipston's new book to celebrate my weight loss goal.  She is one of my favorite authors so I cannot wait to crack open this book.


I finished my night by going to Altrudas for dinner.  I had a wonderful salad and rolls covered in tons of garlic.  It was amazing!!!


The last time I talked to Dad, he'd asked me to call him when I got back from vacation so we could schedule a time to get together.  I didn't pay any attention to the fact that today was Wednesday so I called him. I am almost positive I made him late for church tonight, but we talked for a while.  We had a wonderful conversation.  He wished me happy birthday.  He had no idea how much that meant to me.  I've spent years waiting to hear those words come from his mouth.  I started tearing up when he said it.  (side note: While I am normally an emotional person, I will be glad when my hormones settle down.  I am crying at the silliest stuff.)  I asked him to look at his calendar and let me know what day would be good to get together.  He said we'd talk in a few days and schedule something.  He sounded like he looked forward to talking to me again.  Small steps, small progress.  He gave me such a great present.  I am so thankful that God brought this man into my life. 


When Dad's wife answered the phone, she told  me his birthday is next week.  Now I get the pleasure of playing detective to find out what he wants for his birthday without asking him...I think I will call his wife tomorrow to get some ideas.  I am glad that the timing worked out so we wouldn't have to miss another birthday.  Twenty-eight years of birthdays were too many for us to miss.  I won't let one day go by that I don't celebrate this incredible miracle God has given me.  If He hadn't then I would've never been able to know this wonderful man. What a great start to my birthday!  I couldn't ask for anything more. 




Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

Vacation Day 7 - Come Dance At My Wedding

Today is the last day of vacation.  We are trying to make the most of it so we can have fun, but there’s packing, cleaning, and end of vacation chores that must be done.  We will try to get those done this morning so we can enjoy the rest of the day.  While I am sad to see this time ending, life is waiting for me back home. 

A week or so ago, I went to the Christian book store to pick up a CD.  They were having an awesome sale and I ended up coming out with a large paper bag full of stuff.  I purchased several movies.  Among the mix was two movies called “Come Dance At My Wedding” and “A Letter to Dad.”  All week long I had been trying to watch “Come Dance At My Wedding” but kept falling asleep.  John asked me if I wanted him to skip to the part I hadn’t seen and I told him no.  I firmly believe that God has a perfect timing for even the most trivial stuff.  I can’t tell you how many times I have purchased a movie or CD that I just couldn’t get into only to pick it up later and see God’s purpose in me waiting.  It ministered to me at that moment in a way it wouldn’t have before. 

The movie was great.  It is about this woman who grew up without her Dad.  Her mom had died of cancer a couple months before the movie took place.  Circumstances lead her into being told about her Dad.  He ends up coming down just in time for her wedding. 

This movie spoke to me on so many levels.  I have always regretted not being able to have my Dad to walk me down the aisle.  The man who ended up walking me down the aisle was a man who I wasn’t even that close to and no longer speak with.  I wanted that tradition of being walked down the aisle.  My hope is to renew our vows on our 10^th anniversary and make my dream come true.  I want a nicer gown this time.  Last time I had a gown donated to me.  I appreciated it and it meant so much to the woman who gave it to me.  It was her sisters who had also died from cancer.  It was a nice gown, but it wasn’t MINE.  I want to  be able to pick out the one I want and not settle for something just because it fits.  I want my kids to be a part of our ceremony this time.  I want to stand at the end of our church and look down the aisle at my husband and see all the years we will spend together.  More importantly, I want to have my Dad stand next to me and tell me he loves me as he walks me down the aisle.  This dream my sound crazy to most and that’s ok.  It’s what I want though.  God willing, I will see it come true in a couple years.  The hardest part of all of this will be that Mama won’t be there with me.  I really wish I could’ve experienced this dream before she died, but it wasn’t meant to be.  Ok, now I am getting all depressed so I will stop this blog with this thought.  It was a great movie.  You should definitely see it if you haven’t. 

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama