It's Not About You Either!

Today has been very emotional.  I am bleeding which means I am extra tired and very emotional.  That means water works are an every 15 minute occurance and I have to remind myself not to bite people's head off.  I have went Mama bear on a couple people!!


John got a call for a job interview tomorrow, his second interview for the day.  The second one is for a job about 10 minutes from where Dad lives.  John said "While we are up that way..."  That was the wrong thing to say to me.  First, neither of us (Dad and I) are ready for Dad to meet the kids.  We need time to get to know one another first.  We have talked on the phone a few times, but have only met once.  Please do not misunderstand me, my decision to wait has nothing to do with trusting him.  He is a kind man.  It has everything to do with the fact that I waited YEARS for this and I need that time with him for a while before it becomes about him being Dad and Grandpa.


Secondly, he needs more time to get used to the idea of me being in his life. I spent years searching for him.  He's had me in his life for two minutes.  He has been very understanding of my arrival in his life, but it is a big adjustment.  I am sure he thought he'd go his whole life without me.  He has said he's thought about me over the years, but I am just something I'm sure he never thought he'd have to deal with.  I am doing everything I can to give him the space he needs while letting him know I care. It is a delicate balance and I won't even pretend that I know the magic formula for this.


It really bothers me when someone gets angry with me because I won't push harder.  It bothers me even more when someone gets mad at him because he isn't being more proactive in this situation.  There is only ONE person who deserves to get mad at him and it's me!  If I can forgiveness for him then no one else has any right to judge.  I love him enough to give him the time he needs despite what I want.


The last few weeks while my life has been going nuts, the only thing I have wanted to do is to run to his arms and have him hold me while I cry, to be able to pour my soul out to him and him give me reassurance that all would be ok, to share my troubles and have him give me the that Godly wisdom that can only come from my Daddy.  I want to be able to visit him at work, be in the neighborhood and stop by his house, or go to church with him.  Those are all selfish things that I desire.  My love has matured through this process.  I have realized that it's not all about me. 


While I appreciate those around me who love me enough to want the best for me, I need you to understand that my Heavenly Father has this in the palm of His hands.  I will still have times when I need to vent, but I know that this situation is taken care of.  I will defend Dad's rights and choices with my dying breath, though.  You may not understand them.  Perhaps you wouldn't have made the same choices, but they were/are his. We are both handling it the best way we know how to.


It's not about me, but it's not about you either!


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama