Accountability

Clumsy 
By Chris Rice

You'd think I'd have it right by now

Been practicing for thirty years

I should've walked a thousand miles

So what am I still doing here

Reaching out for that same ole piece of forbidden fruit

I slip and fall and I knock my halo lose

Somebody tell me what's a boy supposed to do

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

I'm gonna get it right this time

I'll be strong and I'll make You proud

I've prayed that prayer a thousand times

And the rooster crows and my tears roll down again

But You remind me You made me from the dust

And I can never, no never be good enough

And that You're not gonna let that come between us.

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

From where I stand Your holiness is up so high

I could never reach it.

My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah


I have been half-heartedly trying for the past 6 months to get the passion back that I felt for this journey in the beginning.  Once the newness wore off it was harder and harder.  Trouble set in and life got in the way.  Now here I am.  I am determined that things are going to change, though.  I have said that a lot for the last couple months.


God has been dealing with me a lot lately about where my heart is.  Our new church has been challenging me a lot about where I am in my life.  My heart, my priorities, my life - none of these are in the right place right now.  When Mom died, I became so hardened to life.  She was the one thing in my life that was always there and now she was gone.  Here I was, in the midst of a troubled marriage, with two little beings who depended on me for everything and my entire existence was changed.  All my life I was someone's care taker.  When I was young, I always worried about Mama.  I was Mother Hen to all of the kids around me. When I was in youth group I was the one the kids came to for gum or candy. I worked in the nursery.  I just have a heart to take care of people.  Who takes care of you when you're too busy taking care of everyone else?


My spiritual life has suffered.  "I don't have the time" has become an excuse I use quite often.  I am supposed to lead my kids in the way of God but how can I do that if I am not following Him like I should?  How can He replenish my spiritual fuel tank, if I am not plugged into Him?  My priorities are all messed up.  I am rarely home in the evenings because I leave almost as soon as John gets home.  I have hid from my life long enough.  Now it is time to do things the right way.  Surrender isn't something I do easily.  I don't think any human naturally surrenders.  God gave us free will and a spirit that wants to fight for what's right.  The problem comes when we stop looking to God to tell us what is right and start looking toward others and our own human nature.


But what would happen if I trusted the One who knows me best because He created me and knows the desires of my heart far better than I ever will?  What would happen if I gave him everything?  What would He do if I stayed on the altar and stopped jumping off The Potter's Wheel?  How would my life change if I live with total abandon for what others think?  If I stopped putting human desires above God's will for my life?  What would happen if I lived with wreckless abandon and became totally sold out for Christ?  As a teenager I knew what that picture looked like.  I don't believe it would look the same as it would if I did it right now.  I cannot go live in the mission field. I am not in a place right now to open a house for unwed mothers wanting to give their babies up for adoption.  What would this picture look like right now?  Fear of the unknown is what keeps me frozen right where I am.  Fear is what keeps me from doing what God wants me to.  Fear is what keeps me from living and doing what God has called me to.  Fear is Satan's vehicle used to keep me from reaching God's potential for my life.  The sad thing is that I handed him the keys and told him to lead me and I'd follow.  (Ouch!  That sounds horrible for a Christian to admit, but it's the truth.)


I want my life to be an example of Christ.  I want to be someone who finds her self-worth in Christ and not other people's opinions or things.  I want my kids to grow up with a clear sense of who they are in Christ and that will only happen if they are taught the right way.


I wrote this to keep me accountable.  I need a spiritual parent/friend/etc to keep me accountable for where I am.  I need someone who constantly challenges me to be God's best for me.  I ask that you pray for me to be.  Please pray that I will step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to be surrounded by the people that God will place in my life help encourage me.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. - Galatians 6:9 NKJV



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama

Getting Back Up

I have made several posts over the last couple weeks completely disgusted with myself because I had lost my drive to proceed with this journey.  I knew I needed to do it.  I wanted to do it.  I guess I just thought it wasn't that big of a problem.  I knew I was gaining weight, but I didn't realize exactly how much.  Today I walked into clinic with Landon, who had a doctor's appointment this morning also, to get my shot.  I decided I would get my medicine today.  I haven't really been taking it like I am supposed to.  I had thought about waiting until I had lost back down to where I was so I would only have gained a couple pounds.  The more I thought about it, I would rather face the music and have the praise later for losing again. 

296...

296...

296!!!!

 

 

To think that a year ago that would've been a beautiful number to see.  I remember when I first seen that number, how excited I was.  Now that same number makes me feel like such a failure. For anyone keeping track here, I have gained 12 pounds since my last clinic weigh-in.  I feel terrible, stupid, and a whole host of other things that I have allowed myself to do this, but what's done is done. I could continue to harp on myself for what I HAVEN'T done. However, I am chosing to extend grace and forgiveness to my human self and move forward.  So that is what I will do.  I have church tonight, but then it's back to the gym again. 

 

 

I knew something was up because I had stopped moving enough for my body to start hurting when I move around.  My walking up the steps nearly kill my knees.  I know what I have to look forward to.  I ask that each of you pray for me.  If you see that I haven't blogged much or that I am slacking PLEASE say something to me.  I'd rather have my feelings hurt than to end up back where I was. 

 

 

I am actually looking forward to seeing what the next  month will bring.  YOU should look forward to lots of whiny facebook statuses and blog posts about TB again.  I am excited about those nice, hot showers full of water pressure that is to die for!  The hot tub has been calling to me for a long time.  LOL  In all seriousness though, I feel better when I am working out.  Please pray for strength and wisdom to work through all of the aches and pains!

 

 

 

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. - Galatians 6:9 NKJV

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama



Trust - Unhealthy Attitudes

I know lately it seems that I have strayed from the "weight loss" part of this blog, but I am a very emotional person and emotional eating is a huge reason I am where I am today.  I use this blog as my outlet.  It is my therapy, if you will. 


Tonight, I went out with my dear friend Stephanie.  We had a great time and we talked a lot.  I did most of the talking, which is weird.  I can blog/fb until my fingers fall off.  When it comes to face to face communication, forget about it!  She said something to me that really clicked.  When I got home,  John said almost exactly the same thing she said. 


Today was Dad's birthday.  On my way home from the gym, I called to wish him a happy birthday.  We had a great conversation about farming and canning vegetables.  Today, his wife had him helping her can tomatoes.  That's not exactly the chore I would've chosen for MY birthday, but he was doing it with a great heart.  When we were finished, I wished him Happy Birthday again and we hung up.


It's so funny because we have came to our first milestone.  The first couple calls I was so gaurded about when I would call him.  There were only certain times I would call because I just knew that things were going to go badly.  I wouldn't call him before I went into the gym because if I did then it would ruin my work out.  Working out is a huge MENTAL thing for me.  If I am not focused, I don't do as well.  I wouldn't call him while I was driving because I wanted to make sure I didn't run off the road because of something one of us said.  I can't have peaceful conversations at home, period.  My children are loud and like to take the time to demonstrate their lungs' ability to function the second I get on the phone.  There were all these rules I had in place before I would call him.  Today, I finished what I was doing at the gym and noticed I had to be home soon to meet Stephanie.  I called Dad while on the way home.  That might not seem like much to anyone else (other than to say how horrible I am for being on the phone while driving), but the fact that I trusted things to go well was huge for me. 


I have this huge problem with letting people into my little circle.  If you want to get to know me then that is great, but there aren't too many people that I allow to see all of the skeletons in my closet.  In my experience, when I let someone in I have always regretted it later.  If I don't let others get too close, or show them who I really am inside, then they can't hurt me.  John told me tonight and said "You need to have more faith.  If you never trust someone enough to let them in, you will never have the chance to be proven wrong."  I have lived most of my life by keeping people at arm's length for fear of getting hurt.  The flip side of this is that I have missed out on so much because I never gave people the chance to prove me wrong.  Sadly, most of the people I chose to let in only fed into my theory and I was always left broken hearted. 


I am a broken woman.  A woman who would do almost anything to help someone else, but to trust someone else to meet MY needs? Yeah, forget about it! Don't let anyone in...no one needs to get too close...no one gets hurt.  This is  not the person I want to be.  It's not healthy.  It's certainly not the place to be when given a great blessing like I have been blessed with.  I do not want to enter a relationship with my Dad and new siblings with this huge chip on my shoulder. 


So now make the journey toward healing.  I struggle with how much to say...when to say it...  I am so afraid of scaring him off.  The irony of all of this is that I will miss so much, simply because  I was afraid to put myself out there.  I have already missed 29 years with this man.  I don't want to miss one more second.  I will always long for the 29 years we missed, but I don't want to look back and say that I wasted the time I did have.  I have stood by one casket filled with regrets and "what ifs" and their companions - should've/could've/would've.  Years from now, I don't want to stand by another grave knowing I let fear stand in the way of building a real relationship with my father.  Now all I need to do is stand up to these giants and move forward. That part will be a little more difficult so please pray for me.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Twists and Turns

Side note: I am doing my best to protect the privacy of my new family while remaining true to honest blogging.  I don't want to use their names here to respect their privacy.


My life has taken interesting twists and turns lately.  What I am finding interesting is how I am dealing with it all.  Usually when anything really emotional happens in my life I turn to food.  It's something I still struggle with.  Right now though, during one of the most emotional times of my life, that is far from the truth.  The other night we went out for Japanese.  Where I would normally eat everything on my plate, I ended up having about half of it left.  Yesterday, while we were at the mall I had a pretzel and a half.  For dinner I had a salad and a half piece of fish.  While I am enjoying this new turn of events, I know I did not getting enough calories yesterday.  My appetite is just gone.  I got a very interesting surprise this week.  Monday while we were at the mall John bought me a temporary wedding ring to wear until I can get my old ones sized.  I haven't had a ring on my finger since the day they fell off in the shower.  I went into Kay's Jewelers and looked at rings.  When I found one we had my finger sized.  In 2003, when we bought my wedding set, my rings were sized at 11.  Last year my fingers would get so swollen that I couldn't get them off.  When she asked me what size I needed I told her that I would probably wear a 10.  She looked at me like I had 4 heads and said there was no way.  When all was said and done I left the store with the biggest smile on my face.  I now wear a size 8.5. I could almost fit in the 8 but I wanted to make sure I didn't get it too tight. Score!!! I have never worn a size that small.


I have been struggling with fear so much lately.  As I sat waiting for Dad to show up on Sunday, so many things went through my mind.  Here I was, minutes from changing my life forever, and all I could think about was turning around and running in the opposite direction.  Obviously, I stayed and it was wonderful.  None of the things I had worried about had come true.  Yesterday, I faced another fear.  One of my sister's had given me her phone number and the number for our other sister.  I went to Wal-mart to get outfits for our pictures.  I had decided I was going to call Dad and my sisters when I came out.  I changed my mind about calling Dad.  I want to make sure I give him enough time to process things.  I called the sister I hadn't spoken with first.  She didn't answer so I left a message telling her who I was and that I just wanted to take a moment to talk and introduce myself. 


Then I called the other sister.  This is the sister I met Sunday.  I wanted to make sure that she didn't mistake my quietness for rudeness.  She assured me that she didn't feel that way at all.  I shared my heart about some of the emotions and fears I had before I contacted Dad.  My intentions were never to hurt anyone.  I had been so afraid that would happen.  I was never niave enough to believe that I would have a prodigal experience.  I knew there would be emotions that everyone would have to deal with.  Once I got past the fears of how Dad would react, my next concern was that of my new siblings.  This was almost enough to keep me from contacting him at all.  Sis agreed with me that we all had things to process, but then she reminded me of something Dad had said about all of it and it made me feel so much better. 


I was never sure what to expect when I met everyone.  I can tell you, this wasn't at all what I expected.  I have never met a group of people who have shown the love of Christ more than these people have.  There are so many reasons why they could've, should've, would've turned me away.  There are so many reasons that hurt and anger could've reigned over this situation.  They haven't shown me ANYTHING except grace.  Dad was honest with me and said he wasn't sure how to do this, but neither I am.  He had every right to be angry with me for turning his life upside down, but he didn't.  His wife and my siblings could've done the same thing, but they have been so kind.  I can tell you this would've turned out far differently if they weren't Christians. 


As parents, we spend our lives praying that we've done right by our kids.  As Christian parents, we do our best and pray that it is enough.  Dad has every reason to be proud of the job he has done with his oldest children.  They speak more of HIS CHARACTER than any words ever could.  If I can raise my children as well as my parents raised their kids then I will do a fantastic job.

A Miracle In The Making

Oh where to start this post. Let's go back for a moment. Over the years I had always wondered about my Dad. I knew his name, where he worked, his wife's name and his oldest son's name. I knew he had 4 kids before I was born. The cool thing was that I made # 5 for both mom and dad. I really wanted to meet him, but I never wanted to do anything that would hurt mom or make her think that I was trying to say she didn't do a good job raising me. Years went by. I attempted to reach out right before my wedding, hoping that one day he'd want a relationship with me and would regret missing this. God had other plans though. Years went by and I still wondered where I came from. When we got involved in foster care, again this stirring in my soul rose and I wanted to find my Dad. As I fell in love with my children, again I wondered. I can say that I don't think there's been a day that's went by in the last 4 years that I haven't thought about and wondered what he was doing. When Mom passed away the stirring intensified. For the first time I felt like I could search without feeling guilty. The problem with this was that my fountain of information was no longer here. I took the minimal information I had and searched. I would search until it became too painful to continue. Then, I would put it out of my mind again.


Throughout the years I have had a sea of emotions. I wanted to meet my dad to build a relationship with him. I wanted to meet my siblings. At the same time I wondered why he had chosen to be a part of their lives and not mine. That led to feelings of shame and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be his daughter. I felt like there was something wrong with me or that I was unloveable. When I would share these feelings with a couple of close friends, their response was always the same, "His choices had nothing to do with you. You are a great person." Their words were kind and I should've taken heed of them, but I still couldn't resist the urge to question why.


A couple months ago I seen a preview for a movie called October Baby. I thought it looked like a nice Christian movie that I would one day like to see. Then a dear friend of mine e-mailed me about the movie and was asking everyone to try to see it opening weekend. I decided I would go see it. I couldn't find anyone to go see it with me so I made plans for John to stay home with the kids and I went to see it by myself. Let me make this clear, I had no real clue what this movie was about. I was simply going to see it to support Christian media.


I arrived at the movie and the theater was packed. I like to have a couple chairs free around me when I go, but there were so many people there this stranger set right next to me. I remember thinking that I should've waited to come when it would be less crowded. Then the movie started. There might have been 5-10 minutes of the whole movie that my eyes weren't filled with tears. The movie is about this girl who finds out that her birth mother tried to abort her while she was in the womb. The main character is the product of a failed abortion. The movie takes you through the emotional journey of her finding out she was adopted, then searching for her birth mom, finding her and getting rejected by her birth mom. The story is one of healing and forgiveness. I cried like a baby. Again, those feelings begin to resurface.


After the movie, I walked to the van and just prayed that God would open the doors for me to one day meet my dad. I asked God to work on his heart to make him receptive to me. One of the biggest concerns wasn't so much for his heart, or even mine. The hearts of my siblings were all I could think about. What would this to do them? How would they feel? If I were in their shoes how would I feel? At this point I still couldn't drive. I felt so shakey, if I'd driven home I would've had an accident. After sitting there and pouring out my heart to God for what seemed like an eternity, I felt God speak to me and tell me to go home and start searching again. God, I have done that before. I don't have the info to find him. The urging of the Holy Spirit continued to minister to my heart. My parents were both older (for the time I was born) when they had me. Losing Mom so early in my life made me realize just how fleeting life is. Despite the potential heart break, I knew I didn't want to spend the next 50-60 years with unanswered questions. I didn't want to wait until my only option of seeing him was to stand over his casket, knowing I could never have the answers because I was too afraid to go after them.



I got home and started searching again. I was certain I was about to do nothing more than break my heart. I searched for Dad....nothing....The brother, nope. Nothing there either. I went through pages of results and was finding nothing I considered useful. I had a constant conversation going on with God during these moments. Lord, you told me to do this so I will obey you. (Yes, I did.) When I started the next search for my brother and found nothing I said, God you know that I don't want to get my heart broken. (Yes, child. Keep going). Then I searched for the wife. At this point, I am so grateful that God, my Heavenly Father and Creator, holds me in His hands and understands my heart far better than I do. To anyone else I would've looked incredibly rude. It took a couple pages to find his wife. I was half-way down page 3 when I stopped and told God "This isn't funny. Why are you allowing me to experience so much pain. I will NEVER find him!" Then I stumbled on the words that made me new it was her. She had retired from the prison they (mom, dad and wife) had all worked at. I opened her profile and was greeted by all kinds of scripture. There were no pictures, though. I searched through her friends list. I searched for Dad and nothing. Then I searched for brother again. Nothing. This time I searched for his last name....Then it appeared, my brother's name. I clicked on his profile. I seen a picture of him and his wife on his wedding day. I sat there dumbfounded for the longest time. Then I looked through his relationships list. I seen two women listed as sisters. One whose maiden name was listed. Then I seen the other brother listed on one of their profiles. I was unsure how everyone fell. The same night I worked up the courage to contact the brother. He confirmed I had the right person, but I never heard from him after that. I think I contacted one of the sisters but never heard anything from her.


I was talking to a friend of mine who offered to help me search. I gave her the info I had and within 5 minutes she started sending me info. She sent me a link to an obituary for my uncle who had passed away in January. I was in tears over this info, sad I wouldn't get to meet him, but thrilled because I was one step closer. As I sat there flooded with emotion she sends me another message with an address and a phone number. Could this really be true???? I sat with the info for nearly a week before I called. I called on Friday evening after I drove to the gym, but there was no answer. I called the next day, but again there was no answer. I called back midday on Monday and finally B (wife) answered. I asked for Dad and she told me he was at work and wanted to know who I was. I figured if I told her that he'd never call me back so I told her I needed to speak to him directly and asked when would be a good time to call back. She told me and so I called back. I didn't get the warm welcome I had hoped for, but I didn't really expect that either. He asked for a month to think about things and asked me to call again. When I made that second phone call to him, I tried to remain grounded. I was scared he'd decided that he didn't wish to pursue a relationship with me. The answer I got was quite the opposite. He said he would meet with me and we made plans for me to call him at a later time to set up a meeting.


That meeting happened today. I got there an hour early. I waited and with each passing moment I felt like I was going to throw up. What if he didn't like me? What if this was the only time I'd ever see him. What if he didn't want to see me again? I worked myself into a needless stress headache. As I sat there 2:20 came. 2:26...2:30...He wasn't there. I was so sure he wasn't coming. I had my own little emotional hell on earth going on. No matter how bad I'd like to deny it, I have always desired the approval of my Dad. I have always wanted to know that he would be proud of the woman I've become. I have always been a stand-on-my-own-two-feet kind of person so this has been so hard for me.


He showed up only a couple minutes late. He brought his wife and one of his daughters with him. In a way I am glad he did. Most of you won't believe this, but I am actually quite shy when I meet new people. We all talked for nearly an hour. I listened more than I talked, because I was in awe of what was really happening. I felt like I was on the outside looking in and watching this beautiful thing come to pass. All of the dreams, prayers, hopes that I had all these years were playing out right before my eyes. I asked him if he was mad that I contacted him and he told me no. We talked about my 3 other siblings that weren't with him. We talked about some medical history stuff. As I listened to his voice I found myself wanting to capture everything that was happening in this moment. All of the questions I had didn't matter one little bit. All of the hurt, the fear, was gone. Then I showed him pictures of the kids. Then he asked if he could have a picture taken with me. This was a huge thing for me because I was hoping I could get one with him but unsure how to ask for one. My sister took a couple of pictures with my camera and then she took some with her own. It meant more than I could ever express to you to know that he cared enough to want a picture taken with me. Before he left he hugged me and told me to call him any time. I assured him that offer went both ways. He told me we could get together for dinner sometime in the near future if I wanted to. Then we all go into our vehicles and left.


I am so thankful that God has brought this man into my life. I am so thankful that God never gave up on me and continued to urge my heart when it wanted to quit. I am in awe how things played out. My search for him this time was no different than all the other times. The difference was that this was God's timing. Everything, while emotionally charged, came so easy. The last couple months have been one major emotional roller coaster, but every tear shed, every ounce of emotion was all worth it. I would do it all a million times over. I look forward to seeing Dad again and getting to know more about him. I look forward to eventually meeting more of my new family and building relationships with them. All of that will take time though.


One thing that I have learned from all of this is that God can bring healing to the most broken places. The past is the past for a reason. Is my father a perfect person? No, but neither am I. We all make mistakes. The questions are still there, but they are no longer important. Perhaps one day we will come to a point where he feels comfortable sharing more with me, but until the day comes that he does (if ever), I am just content in this moment. I am awe struck. I have a Daddy. One who cared enough to meet me. One who cared enough to want a picture with me. One who cared enough to embrace me and give me a hug. Today, he didn't slam the door in my face. He showed me love in the only way he knew how. I am so blessed.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Facing My Giants

The Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to haveThe kind of faith it takes to climb out of
this boat I'm inOn to the crashing wavesTo step out of my comfort
zoneInto the realm of the unknown where Jesus isAnd He's holding out His
handBut the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at
meReminding me of all the times I've tried before and failedThe waves
they keep on telling meTime and time again, "Boy, You'll never
win!""You'll never win!"But the Voice of Truth tells me a different
storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"And the Voice of Truth
says, "This is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to meI
will choose to listen and believeThe Voice of TruthOh what I would
do to haveThe kind of strength it takes to stand before a giantWith just
a sling and a stoneSurrounded by the sound of a thousand warriorsShaking
in their armorWishing they'd have had the strength to standBut the
giant's calling out my name and he laughs at meReminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failedThe giant keeps on telling meTime and time
again, "Boy, You'll never win!""You'll never win!"But the Voice of
Truth tells me a different storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be
afraid!"And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"Out of all
the voices calling out to meI will choose to listen and believeThe Voice
of TruthBut the stone was just the right sizeTo put the giant on the
groundAnd the waves they don't seem so highFrom on top of them lookin'
downI will soar with the wings of eaglesWhen I stop and listen to the
sound of JesusSinging over meBut the Voice of Truth tells me a
different storyThe Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"And the Voice
of Truth says, "This is for My glory"Out of all the voices calling out to
me(calling out to me)I will choose to listen and believe(I will choose to
listen and believe)I will choose to listen and believeThe Voice of
TruthI will listen and believeI will listen and believeThe
Voice of TruthI will listen and believeCause Jesus you are the Voice
of TruthAnd I will listen to you



This song has become my theme in this season of life. Have you ever seen the movie Facing the Giants? It is about a football team who isn't very good. They end up changing the way they live their lives and surrender to God. They end up making it to the state play offs where they face a team called The Giants. In many ways I feel like the guys in this movie. I feel like the giant
is attacking me. He's certainly reminding me of every time I've failed. He is telling me I can't do this. I won't stick with it. He has attacked my spirit and my body. In a lot of ways I feel like Job. I realize he had it far worse than I though. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect it to be quite so difficult either.

I posted yesterday that I would be buying new shoes. My sisters met me at Kohls to pick them out. I was very surprised and extremely blessed because my sisters Cindy and Cyndee bought my shoes. My sister Kathy bought me an MP3 player also. I am all set for the gym.

After leaving Kohls, I met Stephanie at the gym. My goal last night was to walk 1.75 miles. If you remember on Tuesday I got my first case of blisters on my feet. They weren't too bad. I figured new shoes would make my feet feel better. The blisters had another idea. They decided they would give birth to even bigger blisters on the center of my feet so I couldn't avoid their misery
giving powers. I made it home and had to have John come out and help me make it up the steps. This morning I'm feeling a bit better, but it still hurts to walk. I have the next 9 hours to find relief before I go back to the gym. No pain, no gain I suppose.

I have to admit I have had a rough couple days. The evenings, especially after working out, have been very emotional for me. I spend most of my car ride home in tears. I'm really not sure why I'm so overwhelmed with emotions right now. It seems to only happen after working out though.

Despite everything that has happened the last couple days, I am still very excited about this journey. Each day I'm adding more time to my walk. My goal right now is to get to 2 miles a day. I am really proud of myself. I have never walked this much at one time in my life.

I am learning more and more that I must depend on God and His strength to help me through this. By myself it is impossible. With God nothing is impossible. I am holding on to that promise. This journey He has called me to isn't comfortable. It isn't nice or pleasant at the moment. I am moving into levels I have never been before, but when I see the rewards and benefits from the hard work it will be worth it.

I am so thankful for a Daddy who loves me enough to put me in places that make me uncomfortable. I am in awe that He loves me enough to put me through the fire to refine me so that I may be all He has created me to be. I am also very thankful that He protects me from the attack of my enemy. Does that mean that the enemy won't come? No! It just means that when he does come that my Daddy will give me everything I need to resist him.

I have 20-22 more days until my first weigh in. I refuse to weigh in between visits. Scales are so different. I also don't want to get hung up on numbers. I am looking forward to seeing how much my hard work has paid off. My sisters said I look like I've already lost some. I'm sure they were just trying to boost my self-esteem, though. I have a number in my head that I would like to see on the scale. It will be interesting to see where my actual loss falls in.

I hope that you are having a great week. If you are joining me on this journey I would love to hear from you so that we can encourage one another. Email me or comment here.

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)