Vacation Day 6 - Unwanted

I was sleeping peacefully until Jewel-Anne and Isaiah decided that it was time for Mama to wake up.  John took them out and said “Get some more rest.”  I would love to, but once I am up I am up.  So I am sitting here enjoying the semi quiet (READ:  not as loud as the room next to me) solitude of this room.  I picked up my phone to browse facebook and came across this picture that said:

You’re not an accident.  Your parents may not have planned you, but God did.  He wanted you alive and created you for a purpose.  Focusing on yourself will never reveal real your purpose.  You were created by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never make sense.

I hesitate to write this because I know my siblings read my blogs occasionally.  I am sure my siblings on Dad’s side will stumble cross my blog one day too.  I want to make this perfectly clear, I love both of my parents more than life itself.  I am thankful that God chose these two beautiful people to be part of my genetic makeup.  I am thankful that God allowed me to be raised by a wonderful woman who spent the first 25 years of my life making sure I knew how much she loved me.  I am thankful that God allowed me to be a part of Dad’s life and he mine.  That still doesn’t change the way I feel.  This blog has never been about shaming or condemning anyone, but to work through the feelings I have on this journey to health and healing.

As an 80s child, who was born out of wedlock, I have heard all of the lovely names that refer to children whose parents weren’t married.  As an adult, I have struggled with my place in life and in the world.  I have always felt like the child no one wanted.  For the longest time I was told one thing.  Then I found out something completely different.  I will just say that I almost wasn’t here thanks to the option of abortion.  I am very thankful that I am alive and can be a part of my kids’ lives. 

There is still this part of me that struggles with knowing that I was the child that no one wanted.  I am pro-life.  I always have been.  I will never be able to understand the mindset that sees a child as a choice, an option, or anything so disposable.  I spent years with empty arms, praying that God would bless us with a child we could keep, and praying He would stop taking the ones He did give, years of natural and medical fertility treatments.  I long for children so badly that I could never be able to place myself in the shoes of someone who seen abortion as an option.  We have 12 kids and I would gladly take 100 more if God gave them to us. 

I spent my teen years wondering why God chose to create me.  Why did I have to over-hear a conversation I was never supposed to hear in the first place?  Why did the person talking feel the need to share that story anyway?  When confronted about it, why did they feel the need to lie?  What’s done is done, though.

To this person, I’d like to say…I have forgiven you for the lies you told.  Why did you feel the need to spin the truth?  The bits and pieces of truth mixed with lies were hard enough to swallow.  It tainted the way I felt other people in my life.  That wasn’t fair to either of you.  If you knew that I knew part truth then why not tell me all of it and just trust that I was strong enough to forgive you?  The whole truth hurt way more at 29 years old than it did at 13.  I trusted you and now I feel so betrayed.  Knowing I was unwanted hurts.  There is nothing I can do to take away that pain.  The pain from the lies that were told hurts far worse than knowing I wasn’t wanted.  I don’t understand the purpose behind the lies.  The truth will always find you.  The truth will always come to light, but I can’t talk to you about those feelings.  Even through all of the questions, I love you and I always will. 

This journey has proven to be painfully beautiful.  I don’t regret it one bit, but it is so emotional.  I am thankful for those around me who have been willing to listen to me work through all of these emotions.  Thank you to those special people.  You know who you are.

Even though my earthly parents may not have realized my worth before I was born, I am thankful that my Heavenly Father did.  I am thankful that He chose to let me live.  “For I know the plans I have for you….to give you a future…” (Jeremiah 29:11)  The Bible also says He knew me even before I was knit together in my mother’s womb.  I am thankful that God can heal the hurts and the wounds of the past.  His love can make up for the lifetime of lies.  His love can bring peace and forgiveness to my life.  

God, I am so thankful that I learned to trust and lean on You at a young age.  Through the years, my faith has been tested and I have wondered where You were, but You were always there.  Through the world, I know I can never have peace for the situation I am in.  I will never be able to have the answers to the questions I have.  Through Your Son’s blood, there is healing, though.  I know You hold all the answers I seek.  You alone have the cure for my broken heart.  Deliver me from the pain I feel, please God.  It is too much for me to bear.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  -  Jeremiah 29:11

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Vacation Day 3 - Miracle in The Making - One Month Anniversary

I can hardly believe today marks the one month anniversary of meeting my Dad.  It hardly seems like it’s been that long.  We’ve only seen each other once, but I have talked to him several times on the phone.  I have spoken with my step-mom quite a few times too.  Things are moving at a nice slow pace, but that is ok.  Miracles aren’t always instant and healing takes time.

During our trips out and about, I have seen so many little churches.  Each time I see one, it stirs this longing in my heart to go to church with my Dad.  I am praying that one day God will make that dream a reality.  In the mean time, tears form in my eyes when I pass by these little churches.  My husband grew up in little churches so he would fit right in there.   The church I was baptized in was a small Baptist church.  The place I really started growing was in a larger Pentecostal church, though.  I started attending when I was 16.  Mom and I later joined the church and we’ve called it home ever since.  I love my church, but my heart still longs for the day when I can sit in church with my family and see my dad sitting next to us. 

I am so thankful for the changes that God has made in me and to me during this journey.  I am so thankful that I have my Dad to talk to now.  It has only been a month, but it seems like he’s always been there.  For that I am so thankful.  I look forward to seeing where the years take us.  I love him with all my heart and I pray that I can tell him that one day.

My birthday is a week from tomorrow.  When I get back I am going to call Dad to see if he has time to get together the weekend after.  We still have to celebrate Father’s Day.  It will be so nice to know that this year I can celebrate my birthday with my Dad.  God has given me one of the greatest birthday gifts ever.  Hopefully that will combat the sadness that my birthday holds for the other anniversaries it marks.

For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. - Psalm 107:9 (NKJV)

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

When Love Takes You In

When Love Takes You In - Steven Curtis Chapman

I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in



I cannot believe that the wild and crazy ride the last two months have sent me on.  There are times I still have to remind myself that all of this is real.  It's been two months since I watched the movie October Baby for the first time. It can't come to DVD soon enough, by the way.  It's been two months since I found all of Dad's family on Facebook. And two months since I made that intial contact to my brother.  I still haven't heard anymore from him since he confirmed that he was Dad's son, but maybe one day I will. 


It's been about six weeks since I made the very first phone call to Dad. It took a few phone calls before I actually got to speak with him. I have hung on every conversation since then.

It's been exactly one week since I went down the road in my van trying to convince myself of all the reasons I SHOULDN'T be doing this.  I finally arrived at my destination and spent the next hour trying to calm myself down.  Then he walked out of his car. In an instant my whole world changed.  I knew my life would change, but I never expected it to change like this. I still haven't been able to contact him again.  He works on the farm a lot when he's not at his job.  I have had several conversations with the women in his life.  It is so interesting to find out so much about him. 


It is so hard to believe that this whirlwind of a week is coming to a close. I am still in awe of God's mercies and his timing. By all accounts none of this should've happened. Finding him was a huge long shot, one that I had been searching for endlessly without result. Dad has health problems that should've kept this dream of mine from ever becoming reality. Finding him was the "easy" part. Then there is all the heart issues to consider for 7+ people. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28 NKJV

Through the years I have spent a lot of time dreaming about what would happen when this time came.  Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine things turning out so well.  I am very excited to see what the future holds.  I look forward to growing closer and getting to know each other. 

I love you, Dad.  I am so thankful that God chose you to be my Dad.  I am thankful that after all these years that you welcomed me into your life. You will never know how much I missed you all those years or the healing that has taken place in my heart since then.






Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama