You’re not an accident. Your parents may not have planned you, but
God did. He wanted you alive and created
you for a purpose. Focusing on yourself
will never reveal real your purpose. You
were created by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never
make sense.
I hesitate to write this because I know my siblings read my
blogs occasionally. I am sure my
siblings on Dad’s side will stumble cross my blog one day too. I want to make this perfectly clear, I love
both of my parents more than life itself.
I am thankful that God chose these two beautiful people to be part of my
genetic makeup. I am thankful that God
allowed me to be raised by a wonderful woman who spent the first 25 years of my
life making sure I knew how much she loved me.
I am thankful that God allowed me to be a part of Dad’s life and he
mine. That still doesn’t change the way
I feel. This blog has never been about
shaming or condemning anyone, but to work through the feelings I have on this
journey to health and healing.
As an 80s child, who was born out of wedlock, I have heard
all of the lovely names that refer to children whose parents weren’t
married. As an adult, I have struggled
with my place in life and in the world.
I have always felt like the child no one wanted. For the longest time I was told one
thing. Then I found out something
completely different. I will just say
that I almost wasn’t here thanks to the option of abortion. I am very thankful that I am alive and can be
a part of my kids’ lives.
There is still this part of me that struggles with knowing
that I was the child that no one wanted.
I am pro-life. I always have
been. I will never be able to understand
the mindset that sees a child as a choice, an option, or anything so
disposable. I spent years with empty
arms, praying that God would bless us with a child we could keep, and praying
He would stop taking the ones He did give, years of natural and medical
fertility treatments. I long for
children so badly that I could never be able to place myself in the shoes of someone
who seen abortion as an option. We have
12 kids and I would gladly take 100 more if God gave them to us.
I spent my teen years wondering why God chose to create
me. Why did I have to over-hear a
conversation I was never supposed to hear in the first place? Why did the person talking feel the need to
share that story anyway? When confronted
about it, why did they feel the need to lie?
What’s done is done, though.
To this person, I’d like to say…I have forgiven you for the
lies you told. Why did you feel the need
to spin the truth? The bits and pieces
of truth mixed with lies were hard enough to swallow. It tainted the way I felt other people in my
life. That wasn’t fair to either of
you. If you knew that I knew part truth
then why not tell me all of it and just trust that I was strong enough to
forgive you? The whole truth hurt way
more at 29 years old than it did at 13.
I trusted you and now I feel so betrayed. Knowing I was unwanted hurts. There is nothing I can do to take away that
pain. The pain from the lies that were
told hurts far worse than knowing I wasn’t wanted. I don’t understand the purpose behind the
lies. The truth will always find you. The truth will always come to light, but I
can’t talk to you about those feelings.
Even through all of the questions, I love you and I always will.
This journey has proven to be painfully beautiful. I don’t regret it one bit, but it is so
emotional. I am thankful for those
around me who have been willing to listen to me work through all of these
emotions. Thank you to those special
people. You know who you are.
Even though my earthly parents may not have realized my
worth before I was born, I am thankful that my Heavenly Father did. I am thankful that He chose to let me
live. “For I know the plans I have for
you….to give you a future…” (Jeremiah 29:11)
The Bible also says He knew me even before I was knit together in my
mother’s womb. I am thankful that God
can heal the hurts and the wounds of the past.
His love can make up for the lifetime of lies. His love can bring peace and forgiveness to
my life.
God, I am so thankful that I learned to trust and lean on
You at a young age. Through the years,
my faith has been tested and I have wondered where You were, but You were
always there. Through the world, I know
I can never have peace for the situation I am in. I will never be able to have the answers to the
questions I have. Through Your Son’s
blood, there is healing, though. I know
You hold all the answers I seek. You
alone have the cure for my broken heart.
Deliver me from the pain I feel, please God. It is too much for me to bear. In Jesus Name, Amen.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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