It is almost 5 AM. The last couple weeks I haven't had any trouble sleeping, but I have been wake more tonight than I have been asleep. The kids were asleep by 9:30 tonight. I suddenly realized that I hadn't eaten all day long so I sent John to the local deli to get me a wrap. It was good, but I had to force myself to eat it.
Before we left last week, I made sure I remembered to pack my meds. I knew I would forget to take them with me. I took them the first couple days I was there, but then I forgot after that. I wouldn't remember to take my weight loss drugs until it was late afternoon and by then it was too late. I also didn't make the healthiest choices while I was gone. Although, the choices I made were far better than the ones I would've made last year.
I haven't been to clinic to weigh for June. I was due to go back two weeks ago, but because we were supposed to be in Florida they increased the amount of pills I got so I would have enough to cover me the extra two weeks. As of right now, I still have just over a week of meds left so I won't have an official weigh in for June. To be honest with you, though, I am scared to death to step on the scales. I have been more lax with everything this month. We ate out as a family more than we should have. As of right now as long as it's a loss then I will be happy with that. I did some measurements in hopes to calm the freaking out I was doing. I have lots inches this month so the scales can't be too mean to me. ;-)
The challenges I will face in the next week are huge. Thursday is my birthday. We are going out to eat at Chili's. Even though I know I need to get more strict with my diet again, I have given myself permission not to count calories that day. My birthday is always very difficult for me. It marks the half-anniversary of Mom's death. As of 2007 it became one of the most bittersweet days of the year for me. Five years ago, I spent my birthday sitting in the fertility specialist's office waiting to hear the bad news that we couldn't try this month because I had been spotting for two weeks. She did an ultrasound to check for egg growth then sent me out to have bloodwork done. Later that afternoon, the nurse called me to tell me I was pregnant. Talk about a birthday surprise! John and I were both over the moon. We spent 4 perfect days in glorious bliss. I went back in on Monday to have more labs drawn to find out that my world had crashed. My precious baby boy was now dead.
Out of all of my miscarriages, Michael's death hit me the hardest. It's not that I love him more. I think it's because we were going through treatments and I was more aware of everything. We had our hearts completely invested, but at the same time he was a total surprise. We were sure that God was finally going to allow our dreams to come true. Now, I realize that He did allow our dreams to come true. It's taken me almost 5 years to get to this place where I see things through my Father's eyes. God didn't bless us with pregnancies to "take" them from us. He didn't give us our angels and change His mind. They each had a purpose and they lived out that purpose without ever having to touch the earth. He chose to give us 7 precious gifts that were never meant to take one breath this side of Heaven. They were always meant to be Heavenly treasures.
This year I am determined to focus on happy, positive thoughts and not allow myself to sink into the depression that is my usual gift to myself. My angels don't want me sad and depressed. They want me happy because when I am filled with joy then I am willing to do what I need to get healthy. My angels always stay close to my thoughts. They are never far from my mind, but I am more at peace with our temporary seperation than I was at this point last year.
Later this week, I am going to call Dad to schedule a visit. I put the finishing touches on his photo album last night. As I sat there looking at the picture of the two of us together, I was in awe. Both of us could've went the rest of our lives without knowing each other. God didn't have to answer the prayers of a woman with such brokeness, but He did. Dad didn't have to embrace me, but he did. I finally understand that look that I see in my daughters' eyes when they see Daddy walk through the door every day.
If you'd asked me last year what I thought 28 would hold for me, I would've never imagined this. Two adoptions, two miscarriages, facing death, deciding to live, losing 70 lbs, meeting my dad and one of my siblings, being able to talk to another one...My Father loves me so much that He would move earth to bless me. My Dad has embraced me in a way I never thought he would. My husband has been so supportive of me. My children are a present that I open daily. I never know what each day will bring, but even on the most challenging days I wouldn't trade this life God has given me for all the world has to offer. Why would I when I am already the richest woman alive?
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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