Two Week Anniversary - Baptisms and Baby Dedications

Yesterday, I witnessed the most precious things in the lives of my children.  A year ago I had the pleasure of praying with my oldest and leading him to the Lord.  There is nothing better for a Mama's heart than knowing that your child will spend eternity with you and knowing they have made the choice to follow Christ.  Two months ago we were sitting in church when they made the announcement that they were going to be baptizing in June.  After we left church Sam asked if he could be baptized.  I told him to pray about it, because I wanted to make sure he was doing it for the right reasons.  After a week of talking about what it means to be baptized, I called the church office to put  him on the list. 

They had things scheduled so that Baby Dedication was supposed to be last week.  Due to a schedule change, Liana and Isaiah were also dedicated. As parents, one of the most important things we can do for our children is to give them back to God.  We learn about this in the book of Samuel.  This happens to be one of my favorite stories in the Bible.  Hannah was barren.  She cried out to God and asked him to bless her with a son.  When God granted her petition, Hannah took Samuel to the temple and gave him back to God.  With a baby dedication, we promise to raise our children in the fear of the Lord. 


Yesterday, service started off by baptizing 11 people.  Sam was one of them.  John went back with him and then helped him get dressed afterwards. As he stepped into the baptismal, he disappeared.  The pool was taller than he was.  I was a mess.  My heart was overjoyed and I couldn't stop crying.  I have a lot of dreams for each of my children. But, there is nothing I want more for them than their salvation; without that, nothing else matters. 


Then, John and I stood before God and promised that we would place our children in HIS hands.  I was so emotional I could barely stand up.  As the elders gathered  behind us, I know they thought I was going to fall.  I immediately noticed several hands on my back.  ;-)  Each of them was given a Bible. 


After church, we went out to lunch at Chili's.  Everyone was very excited because Aunt Cindy, Ms. Cyndee and Aunt Kathy not only joined us at church, but they went to lunch with us as well!  My kids surprised me by behaving relatively well during lunch. 

Yesterday was also the two week anniversary of meeting my Dad.  That seems so unreal.  It seems like it's been a lot longer than that.  So much healing as taken place during that time.  Life has been so busy, also.  It seems like I have barely stopped for anything.  My big focus right now is getting Dad's Father's Day present finished. 


Being the youngest (and a huge surprise) in my family has it's benefits.  Mom wasn't the greatest about keeping stuff, but thankfully my siblings have kept things.  They all have pictures of me.  The other night, my brother gave me pictures from when I was little and a picture of my Dad.  That meant the world to me.  Yesterday, my sister gave me a packet of photos to make copies of, too.  There is one picture of me that looks just exactly like Liana.  If it wasn't for the "old photo" look, I would've sworn it was her.  I really wouldn't be surprised to one day find out that we are some how biologically related.  Stephanie has always called her Mini Lisa because she looks and acts just like me.


My day was nearly perfect.  The only thing that would've made it better, would've been to share it with my Dad.  I am going to get the DVD of service, though.  One day we will watch it together.  I am so blessed with a great family.  Life is amazing and so worth living. 



For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. - Psalm 107:9 (NKJV)



Blessing,


Weight Loss Mama

Joy

Looking back over the past week, I am truly amazed at how much my life has changed. I can only describe it as awesome. I stand in awe of all that God has done in my life in such a short amount of time. Three months ago, this was nothing more than a dream. My dreams are now becoming a reality.


So let's talk about this for a moment. What happens when God administers healing and restoration to an area in your life? I knew that life would change when I was sitting in the van waiting to see that vehicle pull up. I figured that this was simply out of obligation and that nothing more would happen past that. When they say it's always darkest before dawn, they aren't kidding! I was driving myself into an emotional train wreck. Satan DID NOT want this meeting to take place. He kept trying to convince me to run but I refused.


The meeting was far beyond what I could've ever imagine. I wish I had been able to say more, but that just isn't who I am. I am shy when I first meet new people. I also didn't want to scare Dad off. I wish we had more time together, but I so blessed by the small amount of time we did have.


The changes didn't stop there, though. I brought them home with me. The love I have always desired to have for my father bloomed and continues to grow. The relationship with my kids is stronger.


The relationship I have with my husband has changed dramatically. We love more. We love deeper. We love less selfishly. There was a time in our relationship where John was everything to me. He was my best friend. He was my sanctuary. He was my safe place. He was my hero. No matter what happened in our lives, he was still there with arms wide open to love away the hurt. Somewhere along the way we lost that. I don't know if it was illness and caring for my mom; if it was fertility issues and miscarriages; if it was our journey through foster care and adoption; or what it was. All I know is that we'd lost our way. Too many stressful situations. Too many issues vying for our attention. I became so drained that I stopped feeding his needs and over time he stopped being able to meet my needs because he was so drained. We have spent the last week making up for all of the time we've wasted. I have peace about where we are now.


My views about myself have changed. I have been smiling more. I am happy. For the first time in my life I know what joy feels like. Those two are NOT the same either. Happiness requires that life remain perfect in order for life to be good. Kirk Franklin said it best when he said "I don't want you to just be happy because then you have to have something to be happy with. I want you to have joy, because no one can take that away." I have become excited about my weight loss journey again.


One thing that I have found through this experience is that when God brings healing, it doesn't stay in one place. It ebbs and flows to all the areas of your life. When Jesus passes by everything changes. I have witnessed a miracle and it just keeps giving.

Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9b (NKJV)


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise



As I am writing this my big boys are doing school work and my littles enjoying a snack. Can I just tell you how incredibly blessed I am? I have children who love their mama. Many people are out there with empty arms. Many mamas will wake up this morning wondering where they will get food to feed their children today and will go hungry so their child has enough food in their belly. All of our bellies are full. Many mamas are in the hospitals with their children this morning and have no hope of going home today..this week...or even this month. My kids are healthy. I have a friend who is sitting in the NICU with her daughter who is a micropremie and her prognosis is very grim. Yesterday she was told her daughter wouldn't survive through the night. Thankfully, Miss L showed them she was a fighter.

I really don't mean to sound so depressing because that is NOT where I am at today. So often we take our blessings for granted. If you have a family, house, food and clothing you are blessed beyond measure. Many get so caught up in keeping up with the Joneses that we really miss a lot of what God has for us. I resolve this day not to miss one blessing that God has for me. I will cherish my children like there will be no tomorrow because one day there won't be. Aunt Flossie used to say "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today."

I have struggled a lot this last 6 weeks. Jeremiah's death shook me to the core. I will never be the same. I have struggled not so much with traditional depression, but to get my drive back. I haven't been able to find my joy. I struggle to understand why the day to day things have to be so hard. My spirit is so weak right now. I long to find joy in each day, but it is a struggle. A struggle I don't understand because I WANT to be joyful. With each of my other miscarriages I allowed myself to enter into this deep pit of grief that nearly swallowed me whole. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that this time and I haven't. I guess I thought it would be easier, but it hasn't been. I just don't know how to get my joy back. One foot in front of the other is the only thing I know to do.

Today is a new day. I will embrace my journey. I will embrace everything God has for me with open arms because I don't want to miss anything. Even when it gets hard I will choose to say I am blessed because I am.




This is the day which the LORD hath made ; we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Be Blessed,

Weight Loss Mama

Jeremiah Daniel

DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.

Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure

I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run

I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.




I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.

A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.

I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.

Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.

I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.

John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.

God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.

Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown

"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"