Work - Week 2 Completed

 This week, while it still held its challenges, was MUCH better than last week. I went into the week with a completely different mindset. I had therapy midweek. That helped A TON! My therapist made me realize all of the unnecessary expectations I had put on myself. Yes, I need to do my best, but if I do my best and it still isn't enough, then there are other jobs out there. In the end, God has this and He will take care of me. There was a BIG shift after that. 

This week I didn't feel like I was drowning as much - in life, or at work. Don't get me wrong. Life is still life. Some days and moments, it still has me by the throat as though it is determined to choke the very life out of me, but it hasn't succeeded so far. I am taking my wins as they come! Work, I had some wins this week. We have several check points at work (exams if you will). They are divided into categories: Knowledge Checks - These do not count toward anything. If we rock them, Yay! If we don't, yay! These just show our trainer what he needs to focus on to get us ready for our Assessments. Quizzes - I do not remember if these count or not. Assessments - These are major exams. There are six of these. (We must pass these with 80% or greater!) If we fail one, we get a final written warning. If we fail a second one, we get fired. These are obviously taken very seriously. They stress me out VERY much! At the end of the training course, we will have a FINAL - We have to pass that one, too, obviously or we will lose our job. Training is intense and these testing requirements are very intense as well. I am not a great test taker. I have high test anxiety. 

So far we have had two assessments. The first one I scored 91 on, the second 92. I am doing fine. However, the moment I take a second to breathe after an assessment (or any of the above tests) I immediately go into freak out mode about the next one. 

I did have one day where we took six different exams, (it was a combo of KCs and quizzes) I got 100s on 4 of them. Then I started second guessing myself and missed one question on the last two exams. I got so mad at myself because of that. 

All in all it has been a good week, though. It had its stressful moments, but it's been a good week. My next big stressor is that we have a mid training OJT week where we will be taking LIVE calls. We will actually be the rep handling service calls. It won't be this week (thank God!) but I am stressed. I do not feel like I am ready for that yet. They will put us in a special que where we will only be taking certain types of calls (the ones we've been trained on so far), but actually helping REAL people is scary. Not to mention we will have supervisors listening in on every little detail we do grading our calls. That scares me to. I know our calls will always be graded, but knowing that they will be listening to every single call, every single time. It makes me want to do well, but also makes me freak out too. It's like when you have a cop following you. Of course you do your best, but sometimes it stresses you out to the point you make mistakes just because you are trying to do so well. Any way, after that week, we will go back into the classroom for 3ish more weeks for more training and then will have another week of OJT before we are released to be on our own. I guess the theme of this summer is "Do Hard Things!"

August Weigh-Ins

 August Weigh-Ins

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Siatica

Just because life hasn't been interesting enough lately... A couple weeks ago, I started having pain while I was sleeping in my right thigh. It would wake me up at night. It was mid-thigh. It woke me out of a dead sleep. The pain was bad enough I yelled out in pain. I like to think I have a pretty good pain tolerance. I don't normally take pain meds for stuff (ie. headaches, etc) because it usually doesn't help. I have gotten pretty good at handling pain. This pain was bad enough that I woke John up when I shouted. (Sorry, John!) I was crying. It was that intense! I turned over on my side and after about 15-20 minutes the pain subsided and I was able to go back to sleep. All was well in my world again. Until the next night... Over the next two weeks, I would sporadically have these episodes. They would only happen at night. Once they were done that was it. They were getting more frequent, but still only happening at night. However, the last couple nights, when I would wake up, I would still feel lingering soreness from them. I will also note, during/after these episodes, the skin on the back of my thigh was numb to touch. Also noting: The pain would start mid thigh, but would go down almost to my knee and up into my butt. 

Me, in all of my doctor's knowledge, knew I had a pinched nerve so I decided for two weeks that they wouldn't do anything about it. However, yesterday, I realized 1) it wasn't getting any better... only worse. and 2) I had better go in and at least let them document that I was having issues just in case something happened later (for insurance purposes). I was officially diagnosed with Sciatica. I was given a shot in my butt (OUCH!! Ok, it wasn't as bad as I hyped it up to be. In fact, progesterone shots from my infertility treatment days were MUCH worse than that shot!)  She also gave me some exercises to try to help work it out. She did tell me it may take several weeks for it to resolve itself. (Yay me!) 

The shot has helped a LOT! I am still in pain... The pain is pretty constant at this point. I am glad I went in when I did! However, 85% of the pain is gone. It is just painful enough that I can still feel that it is there, but not enough to really bother me. Praise God for that! Now, we just do the exercises and wait for it to work itself out. I am not a fan of this getting old stuff. I like the LIVING part, but not the side effects! 

Work - Starting Week Two

I am determined that this week will be better than the last. Will that relieve this week of its challenges? No, but hopefully, this mindset changes the way I handle it. Even if it changes it just a little bit for the better! I am going to do my best to remember that God is with me come what may. That the will of God won't lead me where the grace of God can't keep me. That I will not take one step where He hasn't gone before me. All the while remembering that the weight of the world doesn't fall squarely on my shoulders. That the only thing I can do is my best (and I must do the best I can) but after that, it is in God's hands and whatever the outcome must be His will and I have to be willing to accept that. Success or failure, HE IS STILL GOD. No matter the challenges I face this week, He will not be dethroned! He will not be up there scratching His head, wondering or worrying, "Oh no! How am I going to fix this? How can I help her? What will I/we/she do now?!" I must remember that even if what I consider the worst outcome happens, HE has a better plan for me.

(Random/not so random thoughts I am having this morning that I can look back on to carry me through this week. Maybe they can help someone else. Maybe not. I don't know.)

Work - Week One Completed

 Week One is completed and not a moment too soon. This week through everything it had at me at work and in life in general. There were moments that I thought I wouldn't survive it but by the grace of God I did. 

Work - work is much harder than I thought it would be. There is so much to do. There is so much to remember. It is very stressful. I am struggling so bad to remember everything I am supposed to. I am taking notes, but even then, I am still struggling. I know a lot of it is the stress that is making my brain freeze up, but in the end the reasoning doesn't matter. I have a huge test to take at the end of each Module and if I do not pass that test with an 80% or greater I can/will lose my job. We have one grace. The first time we get a final written warning. The second time of a lower grade we lose our job. That has caused me to be in freak out mode the whole time. I passed my first assessment with a 91. I allowed myself a moment to breathe. Most people would say "Oh, that's great. I really do have this. Everything is going to be ok!" No, my brain doesn't work that way. I immediately went back into freak out mode again. I struggled so much with the assessment. The things that caused me to lose points on this assessment were pretty key points so I have got to get those figured out before the next one or I could potentially fail the next one. 

Life - While I will not get into everything going on in life right now. Life with ape crazy this week in a few key places that were impossible to ignore. Thankfully, I had a mid-week appointment already scheduled with my therapist for this week so she was able to help me get through the work stress and life challenges. She helped me to see that while I really want this job to work out, if it doesn't, the world will not fall down around me. There are other jobs out there. I can only try my best and be willing to accept whatever happens from there. Good in theory, harder to put into practice, but I am trying. She is right, though. 

Another blow to this week, we got Chewy's cremains back. That was hard. It just made everything completely final. 

Yesterday, the kids went to their aunt's house. John and I spent the day together. We try to spend Saturday's as Date Days. Even if we just do something at home because the kids are here, we try to be intentional about taking a few hours to spend together sowing into our relationship and each other. It is important. You cannot pour from a dry well.  You have to take time to care for yourself and you have to take time to take care of your spouse/relationship. You just do! We spent many years doing the bare minimum for ourselves and each other and trust me when I say, YOU CANNOT POUR FROM A DRY WELL! 

I think I am ready to face this next week. Ok, not really. I am scared, but I am as prepared as I can be. I am going to church this morning. Then I will take some time to mentally rest this afternoon before I get back at things tomorrow. This is going to be a better week. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. - Proverbs 18:21 NKJV

New Glasses

I got new glasses this week. I have entered the era of bifocals. Yay me! I am getting old. I was scared of the adjustment period, but it hasn't been bad. I was spending more time with my glasses off than I was with them on, though so it was time to make the switch to bifocals. I am doing much better with them, now. I am glad I have them. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

 I do not know how vague or forthcoming I will be in my blogs for the next couple months. Some of them may be very vague while others will be very transparent. I will ask that, if you follow me here and know me on facebook, please show me the respect of not posting anything there until I do. 

Life, she is a-changin'. I am not going to go into all the reasons why. I will say that after being a stay at home wife and mom for over twenty years (besides a short stent at Walmart a couple years ago), I am going back to work. It is just time. Life is shifting. John and I will be sharing the trio's school responsibilities so that part of our lives will not change. 

In late spring, we started praying about me going back to work. We both had some requirements and some desires from a position should God bless me with a job. 1) I wanted something I could do from home. When I had my short stint at Walmart, I felt like I never saw my family because I felt like all I did was work and sleep. 2) I wanted weekends off if possible. John, while he works two jobs, has the weekend off from his main job. 3) I wanted a shift that was close to his main job's shift. This way I would be off for appointments and such in the mornings. I would be able to get stuff done since I wouldn't have a weekend day off. There were a few other "wants" but these were the big ones. The big thing was, I wanted God to place me where HE wanted me. 

I started applying for positions in late May. I applied at over 50 places. I had a few interviews. Globe Life wanted me to sell insurance for them. I had a couple companies that decided I didn't have enough experience after interviewing for them. Then, I finally got hired with company A. Company A was the first company that showed real interest in me. It was going to be a telemarketing position where I would be doing political fundraising calls. I didn't have peace about it, but I accepted it because it was a job. My thought process was that I would stay there until I built up some experience and then move on to another company. The problem with this position was, other than the obvious, I have medical problems. The position was 9a-5:30PM *I think*. Each doctor's appointment I had, I would have to schedule time off from work because I wouldn't be able to get to the doctor and get to work before I was to clock in. There was no PTO offered, etc. Still, my plan was to make the best of it. I was supposed to start training for company A this past Monday (7/6).

Then, I got a call for an interview from Company B. I interviewed with them on 7/1. I was sure that I wasn't going to get the position. I had two interviews with them. The first interview was with a lady who went over the position and asked some "interview- tell me a time when... questions" She had some technical issues so a 20 minute interview ended up lasting over an hour. There were two other ladies interviewing at the same time (online). She asked me to stay after the interview. She wanted to know if I thought I would be a good fit for their company since I didn't have any call center experience. I started to freak out because I was already sure I had screwed up the interview at this point. I had gotten tips from a couple people, but instead of using those tips, I went in and was just myself. I told her that I knew that I didn't have the experience another person may have but that I would give it my all and work hard for their company if given the chance. She scheduled a second interview. The second interview was just over an hour later with a gentleman. He went over more details about the company and the position. He wanted to know if I could be a self starter. A lot of my examples were from being a mom to 5 kids. I also told him I was an introvert and I did well in settings where I had to motivate myself. He admitted that he was a fellow introvert so he was excited about that. Again, I spent this interview feeling like I wouldn't get the job, but GOD (and I give Him all the praise!) At the end of the interview, the gentleman told me he wanted to offer me the position. Company B, has PTO, Holidays, benefits, etc. The pay is a bit less than company A, but not by much. Company B seems like a better fit though. My list from earlier? Company B? It meets every single one of those boxes. It's a work from home position. Weekends off. John and I work the exact same schedule. They are also supplying me with the equipment I need to work - something Company A didn't do. I had to supply everything (computer, headset, etc.)  For those wondering, yes I did write Company A and decline the position when I accepted the other position. I felt bad, but I wanted an opportunity where I could grow with the company and I couldn't get that from Company A. 

There has been much stress with me going back to work and I haven't even started yet. I feel like I am not qualified for this job. Obviously, they are going to train me. There is 8 weeks of training. There are tests I have to pass or I do not get to keep the position. That is scary and reassuring at the same time. They said they do everything they can to help us pass the tests short of taking the tests for us. They want to see us succeed. I have a very low self-esteem so it has been an emotional rollercoaster. I am scared of failing. Those closest to me who know what has been going on have listened to me endlessly. I am so grateful for those people. Eventually, this news may become public, but I want to try to make it through the 8 weeks of training first. I keep telling myself that the only thing that will truly relieve this stress is surviving milestones. If I make it through Orientation, my first day...first week, pass my first test...get my first pay check... pass the next test... (there are six of them)... When I am not overwhelmed with stress I know that this is a blessing from God and if He has provided, HE will see me through. It doesn't mean I don't need to do my part. It DOES mean that He won't leave me. 

I would ask that if you see this that you pray for me, but most likely, if you are seeing this, the time has already passed so I made it through this first phase. Prayers are always good, though sooooo... 😉