Work - Week 3 Completed

 Another week has come and gone. Tomorrow starts a new one. I am starting to feel more confidence in what I am doing. There have been times when I text John "I'm not sure whether it was a stupid choice or not on my part, but we just had an exam and I didn't look anything up." Most of the time, that worked to my advantage. I am remembering things, terms, steps, etc. We had one day where we had 6 quizzes, KCs, etc. I passed the first four with 100% accuracy. Then, on the last two, I started second guessing myself and missed one question on both of them. I still passed, but I was really hard on myself because of that. 

This week, we took our 3rd assessment. The assessments are our BIG (will get you fired if you don't pass with 80% or greater) exam that we have at the end of each module. It was my highest score yet. I passed with a 95%!! Of the people that I message/text individually, there are 4, I always hear things like "Great job! I knew you could do it!" I am grateful for those people, because even after getting all of those 100s, I still question my ability to do this job, to pass these exams, whether I am smart enough. I work myself into a frenzy each week, with each exam (especially the assessments). We have 3 hours long to complete these. I usually have some time left after I complete the exam and I set there fretting over whether I will pass it or not. It takes a big toll on my mental health. 

This job is taking a big toll on my mental health as I live in that "perfect" spot nestled between complete trust in God and unabandoned fear! God is bringing me to a place where He is giving me no other choice but to rely fully on Him. Surrender isn't easy for me! Confidence isn't easy for me. I am so afraid if I am confident in my own abilities (even with the aid of God's strength) that I will fall flat on my face. He has never failed me in all of my 43 years. That isn't to say that I haven't failed at some things - far from it. But HE hasn't failed me! That is the difference. I am trying to trust that HIS will is going to be done. 

This past week, I finally picked my Bible study back up. I am going through Angie Smith's Chasing God book. I am learning so much from it. It is actually the opposite of what it says. It teaches us overachievers that "chasing" God isn't necessary. It is more about surrendering to Him. At least, that is what I have gotten from it so far. I am only a few lessons in. I hate that it took me so long to pick it back up, but I also firmly believe I wasn't supposed to be reading it until now. I do not believe I would have understood it the way I do if I tried to continue reading it a few weeks ago. I have also started reading "Healing Your Inner Child" again. This is a book that my therapist recommended. I read a couple chapters when my therapist went on vacation. It is a very heavy, uncomfortable read with a lot to unpack. I just couldn't/wouldn't finish it before now. I promised myself when I picked it back up that I wouldn't make myself read it every day. That I would take it at a pace that would really let it sink in and I would process my emotions as I went. That has helped a lot. I only read a couple chapters this week. That seems like a good pace for me given everything else I have on my plate. As I feel like I can add more, I will, But I still want to take the time to process what I am reading to. It is one of those reads that if you rush through it, you will miss the point. 

Yesterday was date day. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. John is having some health issues right now so our date consisted of lunch, a trip to Walmart and chilling at home. When we got to lunch, I got a headache that would not relent. I dealt with it all day. Finally, around 3 AM, I woke up to a full blown migraine. I took my migraine meds for it, but it didn't go away. I woke up with it. Then, I got the "weird fuzzy headed" feeling. That is always (read: NEVER) fun! Thankfully, it is noon as I write this and it's pretty much gone. 

I guess that is about all for this update. Here's to hoping this coming week will be a good one, too! 

Tylmos - The Next Step In My Osteoporosis Journey

 I had my first injection of Tymlos last night. I woke up this morning no worse for the wear so I guess I am not allergic to it.

I hate taking new medications at night because if you have a reaction to it, you may not wake up to it if it is a major complication. Why yes, I do have pretty major medical anxiety! Why do you ask? Any way, the injection itself wasn't bad. It looks like an insulin PEN with a small screw on needle. No new experience, there. It didn't sting when injected or anything. In fact, I didn't even feel the injection at all. This medication is taken daily. The pharmacist said it can make me sleepy so he recommended I take it at night so that is what I am doing. From what I understand, I will take it about 12-18 months. That is the lifetime maximum I am allowed to have it per the medication recommendations at this point. It is a relatively new medication so that may change before I stop it. For now, those are the rules. So for now, we pray that it does its work during that time!

Can I just say that God has given me the best PCP's office? I knew I had an incredible PCP, but his office staff is equally great! Most of the front office staff is awesome. His nurses are great as well. Most of them know me by sight/voice. There are seven people in my family so they see/talk to me often. Yesterday, when my medication was delivered, I called back to leave a message to thank the girls for all of the work they did to get this medication approved for me. Instead of tying up the nurses' line and then having to be transferred to referrals, I talked to the receptionist and asked her if she would just give them both a message for me. I told her how I appreciated all of the work they had done to get this approved for me. They had worked on this for almost two months, I think. It wasn't just THIS medication. We had to go through a couple meds before we found one my insurance "liked." Not only do they work hard for me and my family, I know they have a lot of other patients and they extend the same care to each one of them. In situations like this, I think about the 10 men Jesus healed in the Bible and only 1 came back to thank Him. I always try to be OUTWARDLY appreciative and give honor where it is due when someone does something to help me. I recognize that this is their JOB, but I want them to know that they are SEEN and APPRECIATED. In the grand scheme of things, it may not make a difference to them...but you never know when it may be just the thing they need to hear that day. Either way, it is something God placed on my heart years ago and I try to live out. It is great to be grateful to God for the blessings, things, people He has placed in our lives, but think about the difference you can make in that person's life if you let them know their act of kindness made a difference in your life. You may make their day. Who knows, in some extreme cases, you may even be the reasons they keep going or even get up the next day. I don't know. My rambling may sound crazy to most. These are just my thoughts. Take them and do with them what you will.

Work - Week 2 Completed

 This week, while it still held its challenges, was MUCH better than last week. I went into the week with a completely different mindset. I had therapy midweek. That helped A TON! My therapist made me realize all of the unnecessary expectations I had put on myself. Yes, I need to do my best, but if I do my best and it still isn't enough, then there are other jobs out there. In the end, God has this and He will take care of me. There was a BIG shift after that. 

This week I didn't feel like I was drowning as much - in life, or at work. Don't get me wrong. Life is still life. Some days and moments, it still has me by the throat as though it is determined to choke the very life out of me, but it hasn't succeeded so far. I am taking my wins as they come! Work, I had some wins this week. We have several check points at work (exams if you will). They are divided into categories: Knowledge Checks - These do not count toward anything. If we rock them, Yay! If we don't, yay! These just show our trainer what he needs to focus on to get us ready for our Assessments. Quizzes - I do not remember if these count or not. Assessments - These are major exams. There are six of these. (We must pass these with 80% or greater!) If we fail one, we get a final written warning. If we fail a second one, we get fired. These are obviously taken very seriously. They stress me out VERY much! At the end of the training course, we will have a FINAL - We have to pass that one, too, obviously or we will lose our job. Training is intense and these testing requirements are very intense as well. I am not a great test taker. I have high test anxiety. 

So far we have had two assessments. The first one I scored 91 on, the second 92. I am doing fine. However, the moment I take a second to breathe after an assessment (or any of the above tests) I immediately go into freak out mode about the next one. 

I did have one day where we took six different exams, (it was a combo of KCs and quizzes) I got 100s on 4 of them. Then I started second guessing myself and missed one question on the last two exams. I got so mad at myself because of that. 

All in all it has been a good week, though. It had its stressful moments, but it's been a good week. My next big stressor is that we have a mid training OJT week where we will be taking LIVE calls. We will actually be the rep handling service calls. It won't be this week (thank God!) but I am stressed. I do not feel like I am ready for that yet. They will put us in a special que where we will only be taking certain types of calls (the ones we've been trained on so far), but actually helping REAL people is scary. Not to mention we will have supervisors listening in on every little detail we do grading our calls. That scares me to. I know our calls will always be graded, but knowing that they will be listening to every single call, every single time. It makes me want to do well, but also makes me freak out too. It's like when you have a cop following you. Of course you do your best, but sometimes it stresses you out to the point you make mistakes just because you are trying to do so well. Any way, after that week, we will go back into the classroom for 3ish more weeks for more training and then will have another week of OJT before we are released to be on our own. I guess the theme of this summer is "Do Hard Things!"

August Weigh-Ins

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Siatica

Just because life hasn't been interesting enough lately... A couple weeks ago, I started having pain while I was sleeping in my right thigh. It would wake me up at night. It was mid-thigh. It woke me out of a dead sleep. The pain was bad enough I yelled out in pain. I like to think I have a pretty good pain tolerance. I don't normally take pain meds for stuff (ie. headaches, etc) because it usually doesn't help. I have gotten pretty good at handling pain. This pain was bad enough that I woke John up when I shouted. (Sorry, John!) I was crying. It was that intense! I turned over on my side and after about 15-20 minutes the pain subsided and I was able to go back to sleep. All was well in my world again. Until the next night... Over the next two weeks, I would sporadically have these episodes. They would only happen at night. Once they were done that was it. They were getting more frequent, but still only happening at night. However, the last couple nights, when I would wake up, I would still feel lingering soreness from them. I will also note, during/after these episodes, the skin on the back of my thigh was numb to touch. Also noting: The pain would start mid thigh, but would go down almost to my knee and up into my butt. 

Me, in all of my doctor's knowledge, knew I had a pinched nerve so I decided for two weeks that they wouldn't do anything about it. However, yesterday, I realized 1) it wasn't getting any better... only worse. and 2) I had better go in and at least let them document that I was having issues just in case something happened later (for insurance purposes). I was officially diagnosed with Sciatica. I was given a shot in my butt (OUCH!! Ok, it wasn't as bad as I hyped it up to be. In fact, progesterone shots from my infertility treatment days were MUCH worse than that shot!)  She also gave me some exercises to try to help work it out. She did tell me it may take several weeks for it to resolve itself. (Yay me!) 

The shot has helped a LOT! I am still in pain... The pain is pretty constant at this point. I am glad I went in when I did! However, 85% of the pain is gone. It is just painful enough that I can still feel that it is there, but not enough to really bother me. Praise God for that! Now, we just do the exercises and wait for it to work itself out. I am not a fan of this getting old stuff. I like the LIVING part, but not the side effects! 

Work - Starting Week Two

I am determined that this week will be better than the last. Will that relieve this week of its challenges? No, but hopefully, this mindset changes the way I handle it. Even if it changes it just a little bit for the better! I am going to do my best to remember that God is with me come what may. That the will of God won't lead me where the grace of God can't keep me. That I will not take one step where He hasn't gone before me. All the while remembering that the weight of the world doesn't fall squarely on my shoulders. That the only thing I can do is my best (and I must do the best I can) but after that, it is in God's hands and whatever the outcome must be His will and I have to be willing to accept that. Success or failure, HE IS STILL GOD. No matter the challenges I face this week, He will not be dethroned! He will not be up there scratching His head, wondering or worrying, "Oh no! How am I going to fix this? How can I help her? What will I/we/she do now?!" I must remember that even if what I consider the worst outcome happens, HE has a better plan for me.

(Random/not so random thoughts I am having this morning that I can look back on to carry me through this week. Maybe they can help someone else. Maybe not. I don't know.)

Work - Week One Completed

 Week One is completed and not a moment too soon. This week through everything it had at me at work and in life in general. There were moments that I thought I wouldn't survive it but by the grace of God I did. 

Work - work is much harder than I thought it would be. There is so much to do. There is so much to remember. It is very stressful. I am struggling so bad to remember everything I am supposed to. I am taking notes, but even then, I am still struggling. I know a lot of it is the stress that is making my brain freeze up, but in the end the reasoning doesn't matter. I have a huge test to take at the end of each Module and if I do not pass that test with an 80% or greater I can/will lose my job. We have one grace. The first time we get a final written warning. The second time of a lower grade we lose our job. That has caused me to be in freak out mode the whole time. I passed my first assessment with a 91. I allowed myself a moment to breathe. Most people would say "Oh, that's great. I really do have this. Everything is going to be ok!" No, my brain doesn't work that way. I immediately went back into freak out mode again. I struggled so much with the assessment. The things that caused me to lose points on this assessment were pretty key points so I have got to get those figured out before the next one or I could potentially fail the next one. 

Life - While I will not get into everything going on in life right now. Life with ape crazy this week in a few key places that were impossible to ignore. Thankfully, I had a mid-week appointment already scheduled with my therapist for this week so she was able to help me get through the work stress and life challenges. She helped me to see that while I really want this job to work out, if it doesn't, the world will not fall down around me. There are other jobs out there. I can only try my best and be willing to accept whatever happens from there. Good in theory, harder to put into practice, but I am trying. She is right, though. 

Another blow to this week, we got Chewy's cremains back. That was hard. It just made everything completely final. 

Yesterday, the kids went to their aunt's house. John and I spent the day together. We try to spend Saturday's as Date Days. Even if we just do something at home because the kids are here, we try to be intentional about taking a few hours to spend together sowing into our relationship and each other. It is important. You cannot pour from a dry well.  You have to take time to care for yourself and you have to take time to take care of your spouse/relationship. You just do! We spent many years doing the bare minimum for ourselves and each other and trust me when I say, YOU CANNOT POUR FROM A DRY WELL! 

I think I am ready to face this next week. Ok, not really. I am scared, but I am as prepared as I can be. I am going to church this morning. Then I will take some time to mentally rest this afternoon before I get back at things tomorrow. This is going to be a better week. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. - Proverbs 18:21 NKJV