When the Warm Fuzzies Fly South for the Winter

A few moments ago I found a link to a blog that talked about some hard issues.  The author was an adoptive mama of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder - RAD. http://lisa-overcomingmyself.blogspot.com/2011/07/to-mothers-of-unattached-children.html.  I felt like I could've written her post word for word.  My reply to her inspired this blog post.


When we started our journey into foster care, I was such a broken person.  I had already experienced five miscarriages.  I thought I would never be a Mama to earth blessings.  As much as I wanted to save the world, selfishly I wanted to fulfill my own desires to be a mama.  I started out with all these warm fuzzy feelings, but they not my reality most days.  Foster parenting is hard, but it has its own rewards.  I wouldn't change my life for the world, because I love my children, but it is HARD. The moment they bring the child into your home, you have hopes of helping that child heal.  You do your best to help them and finally adoption day comes.  I think every adoptive parent experiences that sigh of relief when everything is final.


What happens when the warm fuzzies fly south for the winter?  What happens when your beloved darling turns into the incredible hulk and you hear things coming out of their mouth that would make the toughest, emotionless man melt into a puddle of tears?  What do you do then?


The first time I heard "I hate you! I don't want to live with you. I want to go live with my birth parents. You don't love me." come one child's mouth I locked myself in my room and cried like a teenage girl who had lost her first boyfriend to a cheerleader.  I had done all I could do to help my children understand that they are loved.  I have tried to make adoption this really beautiful thing for my children.  Their stories don't include all the bad things that happened prior to us. When they ask why they can't live with their birth parents we give them age appropriate facts, but we always try to reassure to them that they are exactly where God wants them to be right now.  I tell them often that I feel blessed to be their Mama and I do.  Out of all the women in the world, God could've easily chosen someone else. Despite all of my hard work to show them how much we love them, my child was screaming words no child should ever say, but most do.  Now it's something I hear on a weekly basis.  Every time this child doesn't get his way, the attack starts.  I am sad to say that I have finally gotten accustomed to this battle of tongue.  Well, as much as any mother could get used to those heart breaking words spewing from her child's mouth.


I have found that my journey is a very lonely one.  Most people do not understand what it feels like to hear your child act this way so often.  Everyone means well when they try to reassure you that everything will be fine, but they don't realize that they are telling me that my feelings are completely wrong or that I shouldn't take things so personally.  In the times that I don't allow something to get to me or react in a way that doesn't give in to the child's tantrums then I am judged then too.  Because of this I have closed myself off to many people.  I can be friendly with almost anyone, but I don't allow very many people inside.  It is hard to handle other's criticism when I am struggling to help my child.  It's one thing to parent when you don't have all the answers.  It's quite another when you feel like you don't have ANY of the answers.


I have found that the solutions are as numerous as there are children.  As frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, I have learned that this road is something that my family has to travel together.  No one has the answers.  We will discover them as we go - together.  And that is ok.  Until then, we pray for spring.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

National Adoption Month

 

 

November is National Adoption Month!  I am so extremely thankful for my precious babies that God brought to me through adoption.  In a couple days we will celebrate Liana and Isaiah's adoption anniversary.  It's hard to believe that it's only been a year since their adoption.  Even harder to believe is the fact that just 5 years ago, Mom, John and I were sitting in a classroom preparing to welcome Sam and Landon into our lives.  We had no idea where our lives were about to take us, but I am so thankful we said "Yes Lord!"  What would've happen if we had denied the gift because they weren't in our TIMING or wrapped up in the pretty little BOX we'd asked God for?


Over the years I have met some pretty fantastic people all because of adoption!  Some I would've never known, some I've known only through facebook, some I would've known but not been able to understand what they were going through.  The case workers, attorneys, GALs (some more beloved than others), friends and family.  I am thankful for those who cared for my kids before they came to me.  Thank you to J and R who stepped up to care for Sam and Landon.  Thank you to the nurses at MMC who cared for Jewel-Anne.  Thank you to the countless people who stood up to love on Liana as she made her journey home to us.  Thank you to the awesome staff at FSRM and  ETCH for caring for Isaiah and for the excellent treatment I received during the time I spent with him there.  Thank you to the staff of Choices Resource Center.  Thank you to a special lady named Amy Rigmy.  Your foster care adoption story helped me know we were doing the right thing.  Even though we've only had a couple conversations over the years I think of you and pray for you often.  Thank you to our birth mothers - without your willingness to give our children life, I wouldn't be able to call them my own.  You've given me the greatest gift one woman can give to another.  I will never be able to express my gratitude to you enough. 


There are a some special people I have to thank as well.  Thank you to our friend Jeff Stroud.  You stepped up and helped us get the ball rolling.  God used you to speak to us saying "It's time."  You helped us get started on the path to adoption.  Without you we wouldn't have Sam and Landon.  God planned their story down to the minute so much that if we'd waited ANY time, we wouldn't have got to be their parents.


Thank you to Stephanie.  In the time I have known you, you have been a great source of strength, information and love for me.  You've kicked my behind when I let others walk all over me.  You helped me find the courage to fight even harder for my kids.  You are the one person on this earth who truly understands this journey because you are fighting it right here, two steps ahead of me!  I am thankful for all the people in my life who have prayed us through this, but to have someone who completely understands where you are in invaluable.  You are always there for me and my family when we need you. You care for my babies just like I would.


Thank you to John.  You stood by me through miscarriage after miscarriage.  You were strong for me when I couldn't be.  You were willing to go on this long, wild rollercoaster called DCS Adoption.  You sat in classes with me amidst the tears still fresh from grief.  Five different times I called you at work to tell you that God had blessed us with another child.  You walked through the door with a smile on your face and no idea how our lives had just changed. ;-)  You have been here every step of the way.  I know that there is no one else I'd rather have taken this journey with.  I love you.


Thank you to our precious Glory Babies.  Without each of you, I wouldn't be the Mama I am today.  Thank you to Michael.  God timed your entrance to our lives perfectly.  OUR plan had been to wait until the following year to start the adoption process.  God gave us you to interrupt our plans.  Days after we found out that you'd gone to Heaven, I told your Daddy that after we'd had a little while to heal, I wanted to start classes.  You were looking out for your brothers even then. 


Most of all, thank You God for loving me, my husband and my kids enough to adopt each of us!  Thank you for all of the people known and unknown who played a part in our journey.  Thank You for extending grace through the pain and tears, strength for my weakness and for caring for my babies even before I could.  Thank You so much for not giving me what I thought was my idea of perfect.  My arms would be so empty if I had waited for that to happen.  I am thankful you know what is best for me. 


Adoption has touched my life in so many ways.  I am so thankful God placed me on this journey.  The road has been long, and often difficult, but there is nothing that compares to the rewards I've been given.  If you are sitting there and have been thinking about adoption, the time is now! Please don't wait a moment longer.  There are over a million children waiting to find their forever homes.  Private Adoption is wonderful, but DCS kids are some of the most amazing little people.  They deserve to have love, too!  I have done 3 infant placements and I cannot imagine my life without them.  Equally as special, though is my the adoption of my big boys'.  Older kids deserve to be loved just as much as the babies.  I challenge you today to let God out of the box you have placed Him in.  Release Him from your idea of perfect and say "yes" to His desire to bless you.  You won't regret it.  If you are ready to say yes, but don't know where to start, please email me.   I want to pray for you and help you get started. 


Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. - James 1:27


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama