When the Warm Fuzzies Fly South for the Winter

A few moments ago I found a link to a blog that talked about some hard issues.  The author was an adoptive mama of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder - RAD. http://lisa-overcomingmyself.blogspot.com/2011/07/to-mothers-of-unattached-children.html.  I felt like I could've written her post word for word.  My reply to her inspired this blog post.


When we started our journey into foster care, I was such a broken person.  I had already experienced five miscarriages.  I thought I would never be a Mama to earth blessings.  As much as I wanted to save the world, selfishly I wanted to fulfill my own desires to be a mama.  I started out with all these warm fuzzy feelings, but they not my reality most days.  Foster parenting is hard, but it has its own rewards.  I wouldn't change my life for the world, because I love my children, but it is HARD. The moment they bring the child into your home, you have hopes of helping that child heal.  You do your best to help them and finally adoption day comes.  I think every adoptive parent experiences that sigh of relief when everything is final.


What happens when the warm fuzzies fly south for the winter?  What happens when your beloved darling turns into the incredible hulk and you hear things coming out of their mouth that would make the toughest, emotionless man melt into a puddle of tears?  What do you do then?


The first time I heard "I hate you! I don't want to live with you. I want to go live with my birth parents. You don't love me." come one child's mouth I locked myself in my room and cried like a teenage girl who had lost her first boyfriend to a cheerleader.  I had done all I could do to help my children understand that they are loved.  I have tried to make adoption this really beautiful thing for my children.  Their stories don't include all the bad things that happened prior to us. When they ask why they can't live with their birth parents we give them age appropriate facts, but we always try to reassure to them that they are exactly where God wants them to be right now.  I tell them often that I feel blessed to be their Mama and I do.  Out of all the women in the world, God could've easily chosen someone else. Despite all of my hard work to show them how much we love them, my child was screaming words no child should ever say, but most do.  Now it's something I hear on a weekly basis.  Every time this child doesn't get his way, the attack starts.  I am sad to say that I have finally gotten accustomed to this battle of tongue.  Well, as much as any mother could get used to those heart breaking words spewing from her child's mouth.


I have found that my journey is a very lonely one.  Most people do not understand what it feels like to hear your child act this way so often.  Everyone means well when they try to reassure you that everything will be fine, but they don't realize that they are telling me that my feelings are completely wrong or that I shouldn't take things so personally.  In the times that I don't allow something to get to me or react in a way that doesn't give in to the child's tantrums then I am judged then too.  Because of this I have closed myself off to many people.  I can be friendly with almost anyone, but I don't allow very many people inside.  It is hard to handle other's criticism when I am struggling to help my child.  It's one thing to parent when you don't have all the answers.  It's quite another when you feel like you don't have ANY of the answers.


I have found that the solutions are as numerous as there are children.  As frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, I have learned that this road is something that my family has to travel together.  No one has the answers.  We will discover them as we go - together.  And that is ok.  Until then, we pray for spring.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama